AIBU to think weddings are a massive hassle

[Mexicantortilla]

Just realised the wedding we were invited to about a year ago is in 4 weeks, 1 I don’t have time to shop for an outfit, 2 I’ve just looked online and discovered dresses cost over £100! 3. It’s on a Friday so means booking an annual leave day 4. Just also realised riding boots or work shoes won’t be suitable and I don’t think my feet have worn anything else for years! Seriously think I’m giving back word, ..,,,and god knows about a gift....this is a total headache! Why would anyone want to go to a wedding?

The more I see this, the more I think it's really a determination not to be seen as "that" kind of woman (whom, I must say, I've never actually met in real life; yeah, some of them love dresses and flowers and wedding faff, most are pretty ambivalent unless it's their own, and nobody expects all women to love it).

Be careful about overshooting the mark. It's fine not to care about weddings in the abstract, and to find them a bit dull. But if it's making you consider your loved ones' celebrations to be an imposition, a waste of your time, an excuse to blame them for an industry or to see them as adulterers in waiting...be careful. Bridezilla isn't the only monster formed by weddings.

@DrSbaitso

It's the expectation that mainly women will get caught up in a whirlwind of hysteria around a bunch of trivial and expensive things auxiliary to the wedding that are all about status: dress-buying/hens/worrying about who is going to sit with whom/what the hotel is going to be like/where they can get a fascinator etc. The whole ghastly wedding shabang.

I don't have that expectation. I don't know anyone, including those friends of mine who do love the whole ghastly wedding shebang, who expects all women to feel the same. I can't recall anyone on this thread saying that they think all women should feel like that about weddings in general, though I admit I'm not going to read back through it.

Actually, what I'm seeing is women with a hatred of weddings that far surpasses any love for them that I've ever seen elsewhere, conflating this with the concept of being invited to one by someone they supposedly care about. If you're just a guest, all you have to do is turn up. You don't need to fuss about dresses and flowers, so why make that the issue?

Nobody is going to think you love the wedding industry and obsess over fascinators just because you attended a wedding. But if you cannot see it as a personal invitation, and instead as an insult to yourself as a woman, then stay home.

"If you're just a guest, all you have to do is turn up. You don't need to fuss about dresses and flowers, so why make that the issue?"

No, its not a case of just turning up like you'd rock up to the pub or whatever. You have to travel which might involve staying overnight, you have to get the dog looked after for the day/weekend, you have to wear nice clothes, you have to hang around like a spare part while the couple are pissing about with photos, you have to sit through a boring service, you have to sit through an awkward meal with random strangers, you have to move around/stand here/sit down/go over there at very specific points when the service or the order of the day dictates. It's all very tedious, expensive and dull.

Imagine the MN thread if wedding guests actually did 'just turn up'

Imagine the MN thread if wedding guests actually did 'just turn up'

quite, but RSVP "NO" it's not that difficult is it.

@DrSbaitso

There might be an element of not wanting to be seen as 'that' kind of woman for some people. Not that I think that's necessarily a bad thing.

I've seen a variety of reasons why people don't like weddings on here, ranging from frustration at the cost to social anxiety to feminism. I don't think its quite as simple as you're implying.

But I do agree that its churlish to be sulky or cynical about a specific wedding once you've agreed to go.

Yes, they do take a bit of effort and maybe since lockdown it seems a bit overwhelming after a year of pandemic loungewear. But it doesn’t happen every day, you can get a cheap dress in Zara and some flat straps sandals. Stop being such a misery….. why did you accept the invitation in the first place? If you really can’t be arsed let the bride/groom know ASAP so they can offer your place to someone else. You never know: they may be great full for the cancellation.

@fashionablefennel

Imagine the MN thread if wedding guests actually did 'just turn up'

quite, but RSVP "NO" it's not that difficult is it.

As I said upthread, yes it is very difficult to refuse to go to a wedding. This stems, partly, from the assumption that everyone (women especially) is interested in weddings.

The bar is set very high for excuses not to go to weddings. Its hard to think of an excuse 18 months in advance of the actual day. And just replying "No" isn't really acceptable. I mean it might be in the RSVP itself but when you next see that person, I think there is a feeling of being compelled to give a suitable excuse.

Hire a dress like Carrie!

It's all very tedious, expensive and dull.

Then don't go. If it's not worth it to you to make the couple happy, don't go. You aren't that close.

I've seen a variety of reasons why people don't like weddings on here, ranging from frustration at the cost to social anxiety to feminism. I don't think its quite as simple as you're implying.

You may have a reason why a specific bride, groom or couple is being unreasonable in their particular do. That's fine.

It's churlish to extrapolate from that to all weddings. Of course, one has a perfect right to be churlish, but yet again...if the very concept of it makes you as angry and offended and imposed upon as so many on here appear to be, you might like to have a think about what's really infuriating you so much, because this really isn't a normal reaction to the very idea of being invited to a friend's wedding. And guess what I think you should do?

There might be an element of not wanting to be seen as 'that' kind of woman for some people. Not that I think that's necessarily a bad thing.

Well, it's a bit "I'm not like other girls" in that it implies that anyone who doesn't get quite so enraged about it is indeed a vapid twat with a fascinator obsession. Nobody thinks that accepting an invitation to a wedding makes you yourself obsessed with them.

I agree for me weddings are an absolute waste of people's time and money. Anyway if it goes ahead you have the perfect excuse of either ;loss of smell, temperature or cough and you have to isolate until test results come back sorry about that. Voila

As I said upthread, yes it is very difficult to refuse to go to a wedding.

it really is not.

When you are working, when you are already going to a wedding, when you are away.. you manage just fine - you don't really have a choice.

Just make up an excuse if you need.

Refusing to attend a sibling's wedding IS weird though.

@DrSbaitso

It's churlish to extrapolate from that to all weddings. Of course, one has a perfect right to be churlish, but yet again...if the very concept of it makes you as angry and offended and imposed upon as so many on here appear to be, you might like to have a think about what's really infuriating you so much, because this really isn't a normal reaction to the very idea of being invited to a friend's wedding.

I can't speak for others but I have explained this several times. I don' t have this reaction to being invited to a friend's wedding per se. I do have this reaction to the idea that I should be enthralled by weddings in general just because I'm a woman.

I do have this reaction to the idea that I should be enthralled by weddings in general just because I'm a woman.

That's just you. The people usually most chuffed about weddings around me are men! Some love a party.

Hi all, have just joined mumsnet.

I do have this reaction to the idea that I should be enthralled by weddings in general just because I'm a woman.

It wouldn't even occur to me to have this thought when I get a wedding invitation. It's a separate issue.

@fashionablefennel

I do have this reaction to the idea that I should be enthralled by weddings in general just because I'm a woman.

That's just you. The people usually most chuffed about weddings around me are men! Some love a party.

I love a party too, but men just don't get caught up in wedding fever. They turn for the beer and to see their mates, they have a laugh and they go home. At a push they will hire a suit.

They don't get embroiled in worrying about bridesmaid's dresses or vows or who will sit where. Maybe they ought to: and we could wash our hands of the whole circus.

it is very difficult to refuse to go to a wedding.

You can say you're already booked for another one.

If it's your sister's or something, though, then being that reluctant to go suggests some deeper problem than receptions being a bit dull. Maybe it's easier to blame the wedding industry than whatever is clearly really going on.

They don't get embroiled in worrying about bridesmaid's dresses or vows or who will sit where.

They do if they're organising it. My brother in law vetoed a certain colour for the bridesmaid dresses because it's worn by the enemy football team.

If you're just a guest and not part of the wedding party, you've been very unlucky if you've been expected to take part in devising the table plan (which you'd need to do for any sit-down event, like a bar mitzvah or corporate function). That's really not standard.

They don't get embroiled in worrying about bridesmaid's dresses or vows or who will sit where. Maybe they ought to: and we could wash our hands of the whole circus.

Many grooms will be involved in sitting plans and all sort of details.

Guests? Couldn't care less about bridesmaids dresses or sitting plans!

*Guests, male or female, I mean.

I like being married, which obviously colours how I feel about it. If you've had different experiences, it stands to reason that you'll see it differently.

Not necessarily. I'm married to someone I love and on my terms, meaning that I care to be known for my own profession and by my own name, and am fortunate enough to have a husband who is proud of the fact. I'm happy, albeit the sum total of my existence doesn't revolve around being a wife. Still I don't care for the brouhaha that surrounds weddings, either.

Aside from all snide suggestions that such people are 'misery guts' who don't have lives or friends to speak of, there are some people who find identikit, formulaic weddings really boring. I'll happily attend them for the people I love but am not keen on the events themselves; they're not my cup of tea and there's a level of expectation associated with them that I find disproportionate these days. It's also fair to say that weddings and funerals (the latter especially) have a very nasty habit of bringing out the worst in some people.

This comes from a very experienced event organiser who knows a thing or two about throwing elongated (2-3 day) conferencing and/or social events, together with receptions, meals and drink, even trips and visits. They have all been a blast. I also attend a goodly proportion of other people's similar events. Just depends on whether said event is your cup of tea. Rigid adherence to social convention isn't mine, nor is it DH's. We eloped.

I'll happily attend them for the people I love but am not keen on the events themselves; they're not my cup of tea and there's a level of expectation associated with them that I find disproportionate these days.

Finding them a bit dull isn't the issue. Some of the posts on here go way beyond that.

What are you expected to do? At any wedding where I've been a guest and not part of the bridal party, I've never been expected to do anything except show up (assuming I said I was going), adhere to the dress code and possibly buy a gift. Some have been harder to get to than others but there's no location that'll suit everyone.

I wonder how many Bridezillas who go nuts over weddings are responding to pressure over hearing what shit, boring wastes of time weddings are?

I don't go to weddings...too much faff.

I'm happy, albeit the sum total of my existence doesn't revolve around being a wife.

😂

Because one cannot enjoy wedding unlike they are a traditional good wifey can they?

That's why I love MN, the goady posts never disappoint.

Yes I agree, If I ever get married I'll be doing it with 2 witnesses and no fancy food or clothes.