AIBU to think weddings are a massive hassle

[Mexicantortilla]

Just realised the wedding we were invited to about a year ago is in 4 weeks, 1 I don’t have time to shop for an outfit, 2 I’ve just looked online and discovered dresses cost over £100! 3. It’s on a Friday so means booking an annual leave day 4. Just also realised riding boots or work shoes won’t be suitable and I don’t think my feet have worn anything else for years! Seriously think I’m giving back word, ..,,,and god knows about a gift....this is a total headache! Why would anyone want to go to a wedding?

Yes, weddings are a load of hassle. Forking out to go on hen and stag parties, buying stuff to wear, getting presents, etc. It’s all just a big fuss.

My DP and I intend to have a family only registry office thing and probably just tell our friends on social media afterwards.

@ZealAndArdour We did this.
Didn’t tell anyone we were getting married. Got it done in the local library with our parents as witnesses, changed our status on Facebook and watched everyone lose their minds lol.
I got my dress from monsoon. Husband his suit from next. Bought some flowers from the supermarket, stayed in a stately home that night and the next day was back home painting the living room. 🤣

@Fangsalot89 Sounds ideal!

For many it's the formulaic pattern of most weddings that gets irritating, well it does for me, sorry I am obv a misery guts.

All the palaver and expense for a guest to essentially have a meal, a few drinks and a natter. The worst part of a wedding (non family), is being stuck at a table for dinner with those you don't know that well. It is very hard sometimes to keep up a convo for a few hours when you don't have much in common. I don't drink alcohol so I can't even get hammered to help me make the conversation flow!

I only go to immediate family hitches now, and politely decline all others with a card and a cash gift. No one minds, (as long as they know early enough). Everyone is different and just suit yourself.

When you get to a certain age (me), you can get away with it easily enough, old fart that I am, lol.

Most of them in the UK are just too fucking long. And then the trend for having them some place that costs a bomb to get to, stay in, be stingy with food or have long waits for food, then they ask for you to bung them cash, too. We mostly decline. The ones where they only invite you to the evening do and it's in the middle of nowhere - nothing but a tacky attempt to blag more cash. Or worse, the 'Come watch us marry, then fuck off whilst the all-day people get their meal and come back when they're done (which they often aren't at the time the evening do starts and all the seats are taken) and give us money - buy your own drinks, too, and no food.

Or destination weddings, when the real wedding is in the UK. 'Come pay a bomb to watch us pretend to get married!' Nah.

If you have friends or family who are the same size as you ask can you borrow. Or else try your local charity shop. Asos have normally a great range if you have to buy new. Filter by size style and price and there you go. New Look tend to have shoes that are suitable for weddings without a expensive price tag. I always bring flats for when the meal starts.

We had a 3pm wedding and no evening do. So it wasn't a long drawn out affair. As DH and I are from opposite ends of the country his family had to travel to my home town. We had an afternoon wedding to allow them time to travel on the day, and not have the expense of two nights in a hotel.

1. Ebay for dress and shoes (most of my clothes are from there)
2. Get them a chicken brick. It's timeless.

I find the bummer attitude towards weddings from people on Mumsnet absolutely baffling

OK, you did ask, so let me explain why weddings make feel a bit like I've died inside.

a) They are astronomically expensive, not just for the people hosting them but for everyone who attends. Any resistance to spending money is seen as evidence of cynicism or being a "downer" but really even a cheap wedding costs a fortune.
b) A lot of women fixate obsessively on weddings to the point that the wedding becomes more important than the marriage and it becomes the sole topic of conversation for about a year. It's really very tedious spending a lot of time with someone who is going on all the time about wedding planning.
c) Because I resent the way women are made to feel that marriage is the sum total of what they can achieve in life and the awful Disneyfication of marriage, which is responsible for a huge amount of poor life choices. Marriage is an important financial contract but the woo around it is ridiculous.
d) I just think weddings are incredibly naff. Even the tasteful weddings are naff.

Having said all that, I love going to other people's weddings -- once I can get past the nosebleed cost and the self-indulgence.

Shoot me, but that's how I feel.

Not all weddings are over indulgent swankfests @thepeopleversuswork. I agree that far too many bridezillas are fixated on a "dream wedding" - mainly the ones I read about on MN.

I have never been to a ridiculously expensive and showy wedding. I don't have self absorbed friends or family.

I like a good wedding. I have been to a massive two wedding receptions in the last 11 years.

@RampantIvy

Not all weddings are over indulgent swankfests *@thepeopleversuswork*. I agree that far too many bridezillas are fixated on a "dream wedding" - mainly the ones I read about on MN.

I have never been to a ridiculously expensive and showy wedding. I don't have self absorbed friends or family.

I like a good wedding. I have been to a massive two wedding receptions in the last 11 years.

Fair enough. I have been to some great weddings. Its the not the weddings themselves that bother me, its the weird, obsessive and utterly navel-gazey state they seem to put women in.

@thepeopleversuswork

I find the bummer attitude towards weddings from people on Mumsnet absolutely baffling

OK, you did ask, so let me explain why weddings make feel a bit like I've died inside.

a) They are astronomically expensive, not just for the people hosting them but for everyone who attends. Any resistance to spending money is seen as evidence of cynicism or being a "downer" but really even a cheap wedding costs a fortune.
b) A lot of women fixate obsessively on weddings to the point that the wedding becomes more important than the marriage and it becomes the sole topic of conversation for about a year. It's really very tedious spending a lot of time with someone who is going on all the time about wedding planning.
c) Because I resent the way women are made to feel that marriage is the sum total of what they can achieve in life and the awful Disneyfication of marriage, which is responsible for a huge amount of poor life choices. Marriage is an important financial contract but the woo around it is ridiculous.
d) I just think weddings are incredibly naff. Even the tasteful weddings are naff.

Having said all that, I love going to other people's weddings -- once I can get past the nosebleed cost and the self-indulgence.

Shoot me, but that's how I feel.

I don't share these experiences. Well, there's something in c), definitely, but these days I think the poor life choice is just as likely to be not getting married.

I like being married, which obviously colours how I feel about it. If you've had different experiences, it stands to reason that you'll see it differently. It does seem a bit of a shame, though, because they can and should be so joyful. There's enough to be miserable about, if two people I care about have found each other and are happy and want me to celebrate with them, I'm all in.

I like being married, which obviously colours how I feel about it. If you've had different experiences, it stands to reason that you'll see it differently. It does seem a bit of a shame, though, because they can and should be so joyful. There's enough to be miserable about, if two people I care about have found each other and are happy and want me to celebrate with them, I'm all in.

I didn't like being married at all. And maybe that has coloured my judgement.

I can totally understand that finding someone you genuinely want to spend your life with must be a joyful experience. But I just think a lot of the time women put the cart before the horse with weddings.

And also deep down there's something that offends me about the idea of a woman getting married. I know a lot of people have good, strong, life-affirming marriages. But to me it still feels too much like being chattel. And I'm uncomfortable with celebrating that.

Call me a cynical old bitch, I probably am. It's how I feel.

I think weddings are lovely. Watching two people commit to enduring love is very special. It doesn’t matter if it’s simple or grand, as long as it is sincere and solemn.

Nobody needs to buy a new dress as a guest - although it’s sometimes fun. Our daughter’s was very different to planned, with some people in wellingtons and raincoats and some in top hat and tails. It was fantastic with many people coming miles just to see them coming out of the church.

Our son’s is in France next year. People have a choice. Most of our family friends are making the effort and are planning road trips, votes etc already.

its the weird, obsessive and utterly navel-gazey state they seem to put women in.

I can't disagree with that. Like DrSbaitso I like being married. It is our 40th wedding anniversary soon, and I don't feel like DH's chattel at all. We treat each other with consideration and respect, which probably why we are still married to each other.

What are your views on same sex marriage?

Call me a cynical old bitch

No.

to me it still feels too much like being chattel.

There's nothing in it legally, these days, to justify that. I always feel that if it really were so patriarchal in its modern form, more men would be keen to do it. Still, if that's how you feel, it's how you feel. You shouldn't do it if it makes you feel like that. But I really think that that's not how most people who marry see it, and not what they're celebrating.

Anyone who hates weddings as much as some posters on here claim to do should do the decent thing and send regrets.

I was very happy on my wedding day and as far as I could tell, so was everyone else. Well, I knew some people had private pain of their own, but they seemed genuinely glad to be present. If someone was going to spend the day thinking it was shit, an imposition and wishing they were somewhere else, I would truly rather they weren't there either.

I agree with you @DrSbaitso.

Go to you local charity shop. I volunteer in one and we had lots of suitable dresses for under £10, shoes and bags too

Me too, I wish them every happiness - but can't see that need my presence. Or present, given that most are pushing 40!

I don’t mind the actual day, tbh. I’ve had a fabulous time at some peoples weddings.

It’s all the preamble and seeing some of my closest friends become unrecognisable in the planning process.

@Mexicantortilla

Yes, but I think I expected it not to happen due to lockdown really, have to say I’ve not watched the news for a week or 2 either....are weddings going to be allowed? Might actually be my saviour if they’re not and they might just opt for close family!

With all due respect, would it have been better if you had planned ahead and had a backup plan in place , in case it did happen, ?

The weddings may be beautiful and grand ect, although I'd be thinking how long before who chests on who.

*cheats