AIBU to think weddings are a massive hassle

[Mexicantortilla]

Just realised the wedding we were invited to about a year ago is in 4 weeks, 1 I don’t have time to shop for an outfit, 2 I’ve just looked online and discovered dresses cost over £100! 3. It’s on a Friday so means booking an annual leave day 4. Just also realised riding boots or work shoes won’t be suitable and I don’t think my feet have worn anything else for years! Seriously think I’m giving back word, ..,,,and god knows about a gift....this is a total headache! Why would anyone want to go to a wedding?

@fashionablefennel

I'm happy, albeit the sum total of my existence doesn't revolve around being a wife.

😂

Because one cannot enjoy wedding unlike they are a traditional good wifey can they?

That's why I love MN, the goady posts never disappoint.

Yeah, I ignored that one but maybe I shouldn't have done. Just so tired of the leaps of logic and derogatory implications for anyone who doesn't find weddings inherently objectionable.

I've seen many, many women on here say how 'proud' they are to take their husband's name, or how their wedding day was 'the best day of their life', or how they cried when they tried their wedding dress on.

Given that, along with the expense and hassle and boredom of attending, it is not surprising that those of us who reject all these things feel quite strongly about it.

It is not neutral.

I'm happily married and did it in a registry office with 4 guests and no name change, dress, being 'given away', rings, et cetera.

I'm happily married and did it in a registry office with 4 guests and no name change, dress, being 'given away', rings, et cetera.

So? Why do you think it makes you superior in any way?

See, I don't have friends like this who'd be offended I didn't spend a load of money on their event. What kind of friend does this, takes the strop, pouts like a child when others don't give up their money and loads of personal time to indulge them?

Neither do I @osbertthesyrianhamster. Nor do I have friends who would have such an extravagant event in the first place TBH.

It's the expectation that mainly women will get caught up in a whirlwind of hysteria around a bunch of trivial and expensive things auxiliary to the wedding that are all about status: dress-buying/hens/worrying about who is going to sit with whom/what the hotel is going to be like/where they can get a fascinator etc

I totally get why you really dislike this aspect @thepeopleversuswork, and it is an aspect that I dislike as well. This has never been my experience of weddings. I have never been involved in anything to do with anyone’s wedding other than mine and my sister’s wedding. I have just turned up at other weddings as a guest and that was that. I get the impression that it isn’t the fact that two people want to get married that you dislike, but the whole over the top wedding industry, and I agree with you that it is getting ridiculous.

I had a modest wedding with just my sister as a bridesmaid. All she did was what I expected of her – to walk down the aisle at the church behind me carrying a bouquet of flowers. I simply don’t understand what “bridesmaid/MOH duties” are. I didn’t need any help choosing a dress, venue, catering, flowers etc. I did it all myself with the help of my mum. I don’t see the point in wedding favours, matching chair covers and other pintless fripperies. Basically, I don’t understand high maintenance brides.

Given that, along with the expense and hassle and boredom of attending, it is not surprising that those of us who reject all these things feel quite strongly about it.

Why? You don't have to do any of that, as you know because you didn't. And why did you go to any weddings if the pleasure of celebrating with the couple wasn't enough to offset the hassle and boredom? I doubt they wanted guests who spent the whole time thinking how shit it all was.

Normal friends are just happy to celebrate with their bride and groom, big wedding, small registry office, wedding abroad, humanist, whatever..

It doesn't matter what YOU would have chosen personally, it's not about you. I will never understand that judgmental and superior nastiness against weddings on here. How dare anyone choosing something different!

My personal favourite is the idea that the length of your marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.

Isn't it part of the fun to be part of a wedding so different than yours? People making different choices, having different religion, different tradition?

@fashionablefennel

I'm happily married and did it in a registry office with 4 guests and no name change, dress, being 'given away', rings, et cetera.

So? Why do you think it makes you superior in any way?

Er, I don't. I was responding to the posters who said that the only reason anyone would object to having to attend a huge wedding is because they are 'bitter' or 'jealous' or 'anti-marriage'.

@DrSbaitso

Given that, along with the expense and hassle and boredom of attending, it is not surprising that those of us who reject all these things feel quite strongly about it.

Why? You don't have to do any of that, as you know because you didn't. And why did you go to any weddings if the pleasure of celebrating with the couple wasn't enough to offset the hassle and boredom? I doubt they wanted guests who spent the whole time thinking how shit it all was.

Tell that to my family/in-laws.

The absolute shitstorm that would have arisen if, for instance, my husband and I had refused to attend his cousin's MASSIVE wedding and had refused for our daughter to be a flower girl - it would not have been worth it.

The upset and distress of other family members far outweighed how boring and annoying it was for me. I went as an unselfish act for the benefit of others.

The absolute shitstorm that would have arisen if, for instance, my husband and I had refused to attend his cousin's MASSIVE wedding and had refused for our daughter to be a flower girl - it would not have been worth it.

Well that's a family problem. Not a "weddings are inherently bad" problem. I assume you capitalised "massive" because you place a value on how many people come to these things.

But also, assuming no truly terrible happenings, like an usher puking on you or the groom's father hitting on you or whatever....assuming it was a standard wedding do, then while it might not have been the most thrilling thing you ever did, was it really THAT bad?

My personal favourite is the idea that the length of your marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.

I know, it's such spiteful bullshit.

I was responding to the posters who said that the only reason anyone would object to having to attend a huge wedding is because they are 'bitter' or 'jealous' or 'anti-marriage'.

Well, I gotta say, the strength of feeling being expressed on here is more than I'd expect for "because it's not very exciting". You don't see this level of venom over team away days at work or boring meetings. I don't think it's quite as benign as "because I don't find them very thrilling" or "it's not the do I would have chosen".

The more it goes on, though, the more I think it's largely an extreme and adult version of "I'm not like other girls", which I personally dislike far more than the idea that some women like weddings.

@DrSbaitso

I was responding to the posters who said that the only reason anyone would object to having to attend a huge wedding is because they are 'bitter' or 'jealous' or 'anti-marriage'.

Well, I gotta say, the strength of feeling being expressed on here is more than I'd expect for "because it's not very exciting". You don't see this level of venom over team away days at work or boring meetings. I don't think it's quite as benign as "because I don't find them very thrilling" or "it's not the do I would have chosen".

The more it goes on, though, the more I think it's largely an extreme and adult version of "I'm not like other girls", which I personally dislike far more than the idea that some women like weddings.

There's nothing benign about shoring up patriarchy and women's inferiority and chattel status. So no, I don't think it is benign however you look at it.

@DrSbaitso

The absolute shitstorm that would have arisen if, for instance, my husband and I had refused to attend his cousin's MASSIVE wedding and had refused for our daughter to be a flower girl - it would not have been worth it.

Well that's a family problem. Not a "weddings are inherently bad" problem. I assume you capitalised "massive" because you place a value on how many people come to these things.

But also, assuming no truly terrible happenings, like an usher puking on you or the groom's father hitting on you or whatever....assuming it was a standard wedding do, then while it might not have been the most thrilling thing you ever did, was it really THAT bad?

As I said, my daughter was a flower girl which added a whole extra world of hassle (especially as we all live far apart).

But no, in the scheme of things it was just annoying, boring and expensive, not desperately awful.

As I said, my boredom and irritation was outweighed by the wish to do something nice for other people, who really did strongly want us there.

I was answering your earlier question about why people don't "just say no". In the real world it's often not that easy.

There's nothing benign about shoring up patriarchy and women's inferiority and chattel status. So no, I don't think it is benign however you look at it.

Before, you were complaining about it being boring and annoying. The arguments only seem to turn moral and socio-political once it's pointed out what a ridiculous overreaction that is. Do you think every woman in an abusive relationship on here had whatever wedding practices you find objectionable, and everyone in a good marriage didn't?

Someone on here said she is offended by the idea of women marrying at all. She used the word chattel too. That would include your own wedding, for all the same reasons, however stripped down it was.

But no, in the scheme of things it was just annoying, boring and expensive, not desperately awful.

That's good to hear. If you'd been less determined to hate it, you might even have enjoyed it when they started playing It's Raining Men. I love it when they play It's Raining Men.

@DrSbaitso

My personal favourite is the idea that the length of your marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.

I know, it's such spiteful bullshit.

It's not bullshit. Sorry.

www.insider.com/study-couples-who-spend-more-on-weddings-more-likely-to-get-divorced-2018-7

papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2501480

@DrSbaitso

There's nothing benign about shoring up patriarchy and women's inferiority and chattel status. So no, I don't think it is benign however you look at it.

Before, you were complaining about it being boring and annoying. The arguments only seem to turn moral and socio-political once it's pointed out what a ridiculous overreaction that is. Do you think every woman in an abusive relationship on here had whatever wedding practices you find objectionable, and everyone in a good marriage didn't?

Someone on here said she is offended by the idea of women marrying at all. She used the word chattel too. That would include your own wedding, for all the same reasons, however stripped down it was.

But no, in the scheme of things it was just annoying, boring and expensive, not desperately awful.

That's good to hear. If you'd been less determined to hate it, you might even have enjoyed it when they started playing It's Raining Men. I love it when they play It's Raining Men.

There was absolutely nothing patriarchal about my marriage and no sense in which I was or am chattel.

Not one aspect of the patriarchal bullshit.

There was absolutely nothing patriarchal about my marriage and no sense in which I was or am chattel...Not one aspect of the patriarchal bullshit.

Some women who have posted on here think that all weddings and marriages contain those aspects, whatever the ceremony is like. They feel about your wedding the way you do about ones that weren't like yours.

Don't blame me. I enjoy all weddings where the couple is happy and I care about them.

I don't "blame" you. I state that you are wrong. It's not about "feelings" or personal accusations.

I would not have got married if it meant supporting or continuing any patriarchal traditions. So i was extremely careful to make sure I didn't.