AIBU to think weddings are a massive hassle

[Mexicantortilla]

Just realised the wedding we were invited to about a year ago is in 4 weeks, 1 I don’t have time to shop for an outfit, 2 I’ve just looked online and discovered dresses cost over £100! 3. It’s on a Friday so means booking an annual leave day 4. Just also realised riding boots or work shoes won’t be suitable and I don’t think my feet have worn anything else for years! Seriously think I’m giving back word, ..,,,and god knows about a gift....this is a total headache! Why would anyone want to go to a wedding?

@Hawkins001

The weddings may be beautiful and grand ect, although I'd be thinking how long before who chests on who.

I'd be so upset if I knew that someone I had invited to my wedding had spent the whole time thinking this about me and my husband. I'd rather they didn't come.

I haven’t read the full thread so someone might have suggested this, but you can rent a dress from a few different sites.

Here’s a roundup of some: www.elle.com/uk/fashion/g29187954/rent-dress/

But I agree, weddings ARE an expensive hassle for guests.

Get them JL vouchers as a pressie!

@Hawkins001

The weddings may be beautiful and grand ect, although I'd be thinking how long before who chests on who.

What a sad view.

Been to loads of wedding from tiny registry office and pub after up to huge affairs.

The last wedding I went to which was almost two years ago was my nieces. I had to fly to America and buy three outfits as it was a traditional three day Chinese wedding. One entire large suitcase had all our wedding outfits in. I was so worried it would get lost in transit.

If people don’t like weddings and it’s such a hassle they just shouldn’t go.

Honestly op, YANBU. Sometimes it is just a hassle, it's expensive and if you're on a budget your better of prioritising your money elsewhere.

I have a wardrobe of dresses that I've worn once to weddings and most likely will never wear again!

As I've gotten older I've been invited to less weddings and normally now it's to close family and I'm excited to go. Otherwise I just say no and save my money.

@Hawkins001

The weddings may be beautiful and grand ect, although I'd be thinking how long before who chests on who.

I really think that it might be better if you declined invitations in the future. Cynicism has little place at weddings.

Most weddings I’ve attended are between people who are sincere in their making of vows that mean a lifetime commitment to each other. That is what is so lovely, not big satin bows on the backs of chairs or the guests dresses (who nobody notices anyway).

@Hawkins001

The weddings may be beautiful and grand ect, although I'd be thinking how long before who chests on who.

I always wonder on the large showy weddings how long will it last.

From the ones I’ve seen where it’s all been about the brides big day and the vows and lifetime commitment seem so far in the distance and not even thought about. When real life kicks in and there’s no no big day plans to focus on cracks start to show.

I really think that it might be better if you declined invitations in the future. Cynicism has little place at weddings.

A wedding is sort of the ultimate expression of faith so you're right that cynicism is not appropriate at the wedding. I certainly don't think its right to take an attitude like this to a wedding, that's just bad manners.

But I do get irritated when people tell me my perspective on weddings is "sad". Its very annoying to be told that don't possess any critical faculties and you only feel as you do because you are "jealous", "bitter" or "sad".

There's nothing in law that dictates that we all have to be as enraptured by weddings as some women are. People are quite capable of accepting that their friends like different books/films from them and hold different political opinions, why is it that we as women are expected to have a totally uniform perspective on weddings and anything that deviates from this is a sign of some desperate mental flaw?

I have always found weddings a bit meh annd embarrassing for a bunch of reasons: social/political/aesthetic. I'm very happy for people to enjoy them, will always wish people well from the bottom of my heart when they do get married etc and would never express any cynicism to a person getting married. But they do slightly make me die inside. And I reserve the right to feel like this without being told that I'm bitter.

I meant my comment about who cheats, as a reality one, yes of course I wish any couple all the best and positivity, but at the same time considering how common affairs happen, it would seem a common perspective, besides the threads on here, show how frequent they can happen,

@thepeopleversuswork

I really think that it might be better if you declined invitations in the future. Cynicism has little place at weddings.

A wedding is sort of the ultimate expression of faith so you're right that cynicism is not appropriate at the wedding. I certainly don't think its right to take an attitude like this to a wedding, that's just bad manners.

But I do get irritated when people tell me my perspective on weddings is "sad". Its very annoying to be told that don't possess any critical faculties and you only feel as you do because you are "jealous", "bitter" or "sad".

There's nothing in law that dictates that we all have to be as enraptured by weddings as some women are. People are quite capable of accepting that their friends like different books/films from them and hold different political opinions, why is it that we as women are expected to have a totally uniform perspective on weddings and anything that deviates from this is a sign of some desperate mental flaw?

I have always found weddings a bit meh annd embarrassing for a bunch of reasons: social/political/aesthetic. I'm very happy for people to enjoy them, will always wish people well from the bottom of my heart when they do get married etc and would never express any cynicism to a person getting married. But they do slightly make me die inside. And I reserve the right to feel like this without being told that I'm bitter.

I agree with all of this @thepeopleversuswork

You've summed it up really well - the idea that all women must enjoy weddings or are a misery guts. It's really childish and completely baffling to me - why can't se accept that different people like different things?

why is it that we as women are expected to have a totally uniform perspective on weddings and anything that deviates from this is a sign of some desperate mental flaw?

We don't. We're not. Your feelings are your feelings.

But if one finds the idea inherently offensive, as you've said you do, or if one is going to spend the whole time thinking it's an imposition or they're going to cheat on each other, or that you'd rather be stabbed in the eyes or whatever others have said...then for goodness' sake, don't go. It's supposed to be a happy event and a celebration with people you care about. I wouldn't want anyone there who was offended by it or thought badly of me for doing it and I expect most people feel the same.

*why can't se accept that different people like different things?

The language being used by the wedding haters on here is pretty strong, much stronger than I would expect if they were simply discussing what clothes or TV programmes they like or don't like.

I don't mind if you find weddings a bit dull and they don't rock your world. But if you're going to spend the whole time being offended or angry that I invited you, or feeling imposed upon, or thinking I and my husband must be adulterers in waiting, do me a favour and send your regrets. I don't want you there.

I get invited to second weddings now and one does feel a bit cynical about them -couple had an affair, got divorced from their partners and now married and then say these Elaborate vows and I just think "sure you said the same last time!"

And yes to weddings where you are sat on tables with people you don't know, very tedious making small talk for hours.
And evening dos where no food provided and cash bar. I refuse now unless it's maybe an excuse to see my parents as well (say a cousins wedding)

Clothes wise, just smart black trousers and a smart top. Not bothered with a dress for years. Too much hassle with tights and Uncomfy shoes.

I get invited to second weddings now and one does feel a bit cynical about them -couple had an affair, got divorced from their partners and now married and then say these Elaborate vows and I just think "sure you said the same last time

I tend to avoid second weddings for that reason.

Everything anyone suggests you have a negative answer for.
You are quite disorganised, and also negative. Do you even like the couple? Why accept?

We were invited to a famous footballers wedding last year, for last week and was thrilled. Then denied because of covid numbers. Not a problem. Totally understand.

I'd hate to think that anybody felt any of the things you feel if I had a wedding/bbq/party. It speaks more about your attitude.

Weddings are nothing but a massive PITA. I absolutely hate them with a passion. 

I feel exactly the same. In my culture it's a 3 day affair. The absolute expensive of 3 days of extravagant outfits for our family, the travel and then accommodation. In the last decade I have only attended siblings weddings and 1 day weddings. We have been invited to 2 family weddings this year and have declined. I get that this is not the experience of many people, but for me personally I do not enjoy attending weddings.

@Oblomov21 was it LA's wedding?

Go the Carrie Johnson route and hire a dress?

Well said @DrSbaitso

IceCreamAndCandyfloss I feel similarly but haven't known many second marriages where I was close enough to be invited; at least not divorced people. A few widows/widowers which were lovely, but i think I've only ever been to three weddings where people had divorced previously.

One was my sister in laws but as it was a registry office first time, it didn't count - but still felt a bit contrived, if I am honest. I am sure it was sincere but didn't feel like a first wedding. It was a nice day and very enjoyable to see my SIL so happy, but a bit odd to have a 50 something having a 'full trimmings' cathedral wedding.

One was a druid (ish) wedding and great fun because it was kept simple with a hog roast, hand tying, broom jumping and the vows were very non-traditional.

It's supposed to be a happy event and a celebration with people you care about. I wouldn't want anyone there who was offended by it or thought badly of me for doing it and I expect most people feel the same

Yeah I totally get that. And I'm totally prepared to leave my cynicism at the door when I go -- in fact it would be rude not to. I always wish all the best for people I love getting married.

I suppose what winds me up is more the expectation that women are supposed to be obsessed by and enraptured by weddings in and of themselves and if they're not they are mean and bitter. The generic "ooh I love a wedding" thing. I refused to be railroaded into that just because its what you're supposed to do. Just makes me feel a bit sick.

@DrSbaitso

*why can't se accept that different people like different things?

The language being used by the wedding haters on here is pretty strong, much stronger than I would expect if they were simply discussing what clothes or TV programmes they like or don't like.

I don't mind if you find weddings a bit dull and they don't rock your world. But if you're going to spend the whole time being offended or angry that I invited you, or feeling imposed upon, or thinking I and my husband must be adulterers in waiting, do me a favour and send your regrets. I don't want you there.

This kind of echoes my point though - why can't people accept that some people do hate weddings, that some people do find weddings a massive imposition, a complete waste of time etc.? In the same way that some people hate football, or hate action films, or hate jeggings. Some people do think of weddings in the same way as these things - a PITA, a waste of time and money, boring, pointless, dull etc.

We are all different, we all like/don't like different things, weddings being one of them. I don't understand why people can accept that when it comes to anything else but not weddings. Really odd.

But if your point is that we should temper our language when talking about language - not use strong words like 'hate' or 'loathe' or 'boring' or 'waste of time', then we must also expect those on the opposite side of the spectrum to temper their language too. 'Love' to describe a wedding is pretty strong language too isn't it?!

If I knew anyone was thinking this about our wedding, I'd just be very confused as to why they had accepted the invitation, and not just made up an excuse not to come. Unless you are a super-close friend of family member, most people would rather you just said no thanks. I don't get it.

@FishintheStream

If I knew anyone was thinking this about our wedding, I'd just be very confused as to why they had accepted the invitation, and not just made up an excuse not to come. Unless you are a super-close friend of family member, most people would rather you just said no thanks. I don't get it.

I agree with you but there is huge social pressure to attend weddings which, in part, stems from the assumption that everyone enjoys or doesn't mind them.

As such, there is a fairly high bar for what excuses are acceptable, particularly given that the invitations tend to go out so far in advance.

Again, because of the assumption that everyone (especially women) likes weddings, just saying "I don't enjoy weddings so I won't come" isn't good enough. So people who don't enjoy weddings are left either to go along or to make up a lame excuses which likely won't be believed anyway by the couple who'll then get all offended because they can't understand why someone wouldn't enjoy their wedding.

If these decisions are being made against a backdrop of friends and family connections then it's usually easier to just accept the invite and accept that it'll be a day and lots of money wasted.

Personally, I always try to turn down wedding invitations but on the occasions that I feel compelled to go along I'd obviously never ever show my feelings.

You can pick up lovely outfits preloved in charity shops or online, it doesn't have to cost a lot. Strappy shoes in a sale.