AIBU to think weddings are a massive hassle

[Mexicantortilla]

Just realised the wedding we were invited to about a year ago is in 4 weeks, 1 I don’t have time to shop for an outfit, 2 I’ve just looked online and discovered dresses cost over £100! 3. It’s on a Friday so means booking an annual leave day 4. Just also realised riding boots or work shoes won’t be suitable and I don’t think my feet have worn anything else for years! Seriously think I’m giving back word, ..,,,and god knows about a gift....this is a total headache! Why would anyone want to go to a wedding?

Have a wedding in a few weeks. Hen is £600 minimum, I have a dress etc already, the wedding is in another part of the country, so train and accommodation is about £250. Gift £100, spending money at the wedding £100 ish. £1050 minimum and that doesn’t include having my hair done etc.
I can afford it and it is a good friend but I do slightly resent the whole thing and it wouldn’t go down well if I didn’t attend the wedding or hen.

This kind of echoes my point though - why can't people accept that some people do hate weddings, that some people do find weddings a massive imposition, a complete waste of time etc? In the same way that some people hate football, or hate action films, or hate jeggings. Some people do think of weddings in the same way as these things - a PITA, a waste of time and money, boring, pointless, dull etc.

Hating something is rather extreme don't you think?

I don't watch reality TV or football because I find it boring. I don't hate those programmes though, they just don't rock my boat. Weddings aren't pointless to the people getting married though, and I'm sure that the bride and groom would rather not have guests who thought that marriage was pointless.

I guess that opinions are based on people's experiences. I have never been to an expensive OTT wedding in the middle of nowhere or abroad, or where there were unrealistic and expensive expectations of the guests.

MrsJuliaGulia I think that everyone who knows me knows very well that they couldn't guilt trip me into doing anything I don't want to do. For a start I would scale back the gift and not feel the least bit guilty. The pay bar must be extortionate if you think you will need £100

@RampantIvy

This kind of echoes my point though - why can't people accept that some people do hate weddings, that some people do find weddings a massive imposition, a complete waste of time etc? In the same way that some people hate football, or hate action films, or hate jeggings. Some people do think of weddings in the same way as these things - a PITA, a waste of time and money, boring, pointless, dull etc.

Hating something is rather extreme don't you think?

I don't watch reality TV or football because I find it boring. I don't hate those programmes though, they just don't rock my boat. Weddings aren't pointless to the people getting married though, and I'm sure that the bride and groom would rather not have guests who thought that marriage was pointless.

I guess that opinions are based on people's experiences. I have never been to an expensive OTT wedding in the middle of nowhere or abroad, or where there were unrealistic and expensive expectations of the guests.

MrsJuliaGulia I think that everyone who knows me knows very well that they couldn't guilt trip me into doing anything I don't want to do. For a start I would scale back the gift and not feel the least bit guilty. The pay bar must be extortionate if you think you will need £100

The thing is though @RampantIvy that the wedding mania is very gendered. It's more or less expected that if you're female you'll be beside yourself at the prospect of a wedding and get fully stuck into Bridezillaville when your friends walk up the aisle/immerse yourself in boring discussions about hemlines and table settings etc/watch Mamma Mia on a loop.

Watching football or reality shows: well, football used to be very gendered, less so now. But if you're not interested in football people tend to leave you be, they don't seem to see it as a character flaw or a sign of hidden depression.

If you're a woman and you're 'meh' about weddings people assume that you're one of more of either:

• bitter about being being single/unmarried
• lacking in the nurturing qualities that are supposed to make a woman a woman
• miserable and cynical
• not a team player/wish your friend the worst outcome with the marriage

I've really gone out of my way to be supportive of friends who are getting married and I'm very happy when people I love get married. But I don't understand why I should automatically be in ecstasy at the prospect of a wedding in the abstract.

I absolutely despise weddings. They're a chore and a hassle. Didn't even want to go to my own lol. We had a tiny lockdown wedding with only witnesses. I always find it amusing seeing people get offended at not being invited to weddings because I'm genuinely thrilled when this happens,

I really hate weddings. I tend to avoid them if I can find a legitimate reason 🙈

@RampantIvy

This kind of echoes my point though - why can't people accept that some people do hate weddings, that some people do find weddings a massive imposition, a complete waste of time etc? In the same way that some people hate football, or hate action films, or hate jeggings. Some people do think of weddings in the same way as these things - a PITA, a waste of time and money, boring, pointless, dull etc.

Hating something is rather extreme don't you think?

I don't watch reality TV or football because I find it boring. I don't hate those programmes though, they just don't rock my boat. Weddings aren't pointless to the people getting married though, and I'm sure that the bride and groom would rather not have guests who thought that marriage was pointless.

I guess that opinions are based on people's experiences. I have never been to an expensive OTT wedding in the middle of nowhere or abroad, or where there were unrealistic and expensive expectations of the guests.

MrsJuliaGulia I think that everyone who knows me knows very well that they couldn't guilt trip me into doing anything I don't want to do. For a start I would scale back the gift and not feel the least bit guilty. The pay bar must be extortionate if you think you will need £100

Well, no, I would necessarily say it is extreme if that's how someone feels.

If you think saying you 'hate' weddings is extreme, then isn't it also 'rather extreme' to say you 'love' weddings?

I totally get that weddings aren't pointless to the people getting married but they rely on the presence and involvement of other people. I'm all for cracking on with whatever you want to do in life, whatever you find meaningful, fun, purposeful etc., But do so without impinging on other people's life, time, money, energy etc.

I've never been to an OTT or 'destination' type of wedding either.

This kind of echoes my point though - why can't people accept that some people dohateweddings, that some people do find weddings a massive imposition, a complete waste of time etc.?

Because if we are supposed to be close enough for me to invite you to my happy life celebration, I wouldn't think you'd consider it an imposition. If you truly thought I was imposing on you and wasting your time by doing that, then I don't think we are actually friends. You don't have to find the concept fascinating in abstract, but if you care about me, I'd hope you wouldn't HATE my happy celebration, feel imposed upon by it, consider it a waste of time. If you feel that way about things that matter to me, you aren't the kind of friend I want and I'd rather you didn't come.

It seems a very strong reaction to something which I would think was, at worst, a slightly dull affair for people who don't much care about dinner and dancing. If it wasn't at all sweetened for you by the fact that it's mine and I care about you enough to want you there - you still considered it nothing but a waste of time and an actual imposition - then don't come. You aren't someone I want there.

I can't help but feel that the level of vitriol being expressed here is about something else. That's usually the case when people have reactions that are really much stronger than the situation warrants.

@MrsJuliaGulia

Have a wedding in a few weeks. Hen is £600 minimum, I have a dress etc already, the wedding is in another part of the country, so train and accommodation is about £250. Gift £100, spending money at the wedding £100 ish. £1050 minimum and that doesn’t include having my hair done etc. I can afford it and it is a good friend but I do slightly resent the whole thing and it wouldn’t go down well if I didn’t attend the wedding or hen.

See, I don't have friends like this who'd be offended I didn't spend a load of money on their event. What kind of friend does this, takes the strop, pouts like a child when others don't give up their money and loads of personal time to indulge them?

@DrSbaitso

"You don't have to find the concept fascinating in abstract, but if you care about me, I'd hope you wouldn't HATE my happy celebration, feel imposed upon by it, consider it a waste of time. If you feel that way about things that matter to me, you aren't the kind of friend I want and I'd rather you didn't come."

But the thing is a lot of people do expect you to find it fascinating in abstract.

You would have to be a bit miserable not to want to celebrate a dear friend getting hitched to someone they really love, of course, but that's not really what's being talked about here.

It's the expectation that mainly women will get caught up in a whirlwind of hysteria around a bunch of trivial and expensive things auxiliary to the wedding that are all about status: dress-buying/hens/worrying about who is going to sit with whom/what the hotel is going to be like/where they can get a fascinator etc. The whole ghastly wedding shabang.

One of the reasons I hate it is because its so gendered. Men quite understandably wash their hands of all this, this but no-one accuses them of being cynical or miserable.

I can't help but feel that the level of vitriol being expressed here is about something else. That's usually the case when people have reactions that are really much stronger than the situation warrants.

I have horrendous social anxiety and I absolutely hate having to go to events where I feel trapped and can't just leave whenever I want to. All I really want to do in my spare time is chill out at home with a book or Netflix and the idea of having to spend my precious free time around so many other people when I could be at home fills me with utter dread. I was honestly so happy when my own tiny wedding was over.

Also, the money.

I can't help but feel that the level of vitriol being expressed here is about something else. That's usually the case when people have reactions that are really much stronger than the situation warrants.

Well it is about something else in my case. It's about the sexism. No one judges men for not becoming beside themselves with excitement at the abstract possibility of going to a wedding. That's why gets my back up.

@thepeopleversuswork

I can't help but feel that the level of vitriol being expressed here is about something else. That's usually the case when people have reactions that are really much stronger than the situation warrants.

Well it is about something else in my case. It's about the sexism. No one judges men for not becoming beside themselves with excitement at the abstract possibility of going to a wedding. That's why gets my back up.

It's not a woman thing. I don't have much interest in weddings as a concept and arranged my own with very little hassle.

It's about friendships and relationships. I would hope that if I invited you to my wedding, you would realise it's because I want to celebrate with you, not because I think weddings excite you as a woman.

If you can't make that distinction, don't come.

It's the expectation that mainly women will get caught up in a whirlwind of hysteria around a bunch of trivial and expensive things auxiliary to the wedding that are all about status: dress-buying/hens/worrying about who is going to sit with whom/what the hotel is going to be like/where they can get a fascinator etc. The whole ghastly wedding shabang.

I don't have that expectation. I don't know anyone, including those friends of mine who do love the whole ghastly wedding shebang, who expects all women to feel the same. I can't recall anyone on this thread saying that they think all women should feel like that about weddings in general, though I admit I'm not going to read back through it.

Actually, what I'm seeing is women with a hatred of weddings that far surpasses any love for them that I've ever seen elsewhere, conflating this with the concept of being invited to one by someone they supposedly care about. If you're just a guest, all you have to do is turn up. You don't need to fuss about dresses and flowers, so why make that the issue?

Nobody is going to think you love the wedding industry and obsess over fascinators just because you attended a wedding. But if you cannot see it as a personal invitation, and instead as an insult to yourself as a woman, then stay home.

@DrSbaitso

I respectfully disagree.

I totally get your point about celebrating the wedding of someone you love. Of course the wedding of a good friend is a cause for joy and you should leave your cynicism at the door.

But I'm sure you must have come across this phenomenon where you as a woman are expected to get swept up in generic wedding mania. I've been to so many weddings like this when I'm one of a cast of thousands there are WhatsApp groups involving people who barely know the bride and groom discussing where to buy shoes etc.

What about the whole 'catching the bouquet' thing? Where all the females are expected to fall over themselves for some absurd bit of superstitious symbolism. When was the last time a bloke got excited about catching a bouquet at a wedding?

I'm sure you must have come across this phenomenon where you as a woman are expected to get swept up in generic wedding mania

Not really. The stuff is marketed at women but I've never felt pressured to get into it. I would certainly agree with not socialising girls to think they must marry or anything like that.

But that's a completely different issue. I'm not asking you to become obsessed with weddings just because I'm inviting you to mine. It's a crazy leap of logic. And if you cannot see the invitation for what it is - a personal invitation to my happy celebration because I want to share it with you - and instead use it to hold me responsible for a whole lot of other crap that has nothing to do with me, then seriously, don't come!!!

What about the whole 'catching the bouquet' thing?

People still do this? I've actually never seen it outside of old films.

But OK. So don't participate. Don't try to catch it.

My cousin got married a few years ago. My parents sent a card with 50 pounds in it and politely declined, wishing them all the best. My aunt went and between travel costs, hotel, taxi to the venue, food costs, gift, and outfit, it cost her an absolute bloody fortune. She really regretted going in the end.

Weddings are lovely, but i think more and more, the expectations on guests is just too much.

But that's a completely different issue. I'm not asking you to become obsessed with weddings just because I'm inviting you to mine. It's a crazy leap of logic. And if you cannot see the invitation for what it is - a personal invitation to my happy celebration because I want to share it with you - and instead use it to hold me responsible for a whole lot of other crap that has nothing to do with me, then seriously, don't come!!!

You keep saying "don't come". I'm not coming! I'm not invited!

I've gone out of my way to say several times that I'm not talking about weddings of people I know and love, I'm talking about "wedding fever" and the trappings of it. It's concrete vs abstract.

It's not such a crazy leap of logic: the bouquet-catching is an exact example of the sort of thing I'm talking about whereby women think they're going to 'catch' marriagability by catching a bunch of flowers. I can't see why people can't see how gendered this is.

I genuinely wish you all the best for your marriage, but I reserve the right to find this sort of thing absolutely nauseating without wishing you ill at a personal level.

But we're clearly going to have to agree to disagree....

I was once charged with making a dick-shaped cake for a hen do for a bride who absolutely loves trash. The do was everything stereotypical and awful about British hen parties.

It really wasn't my thing, but it was her thing and she had gamely gone along with my hen party activity even though it wasn't something she had huge personal interest in. I never thought that meant she had to love my hobby, and she never thought it meant I had a deep, abiding interest in phallic desserts. It was just my happy thing, then her happy thing. If I'd felt insulted or imposed upon, or thought celebrating with her was a waste of time, or hated the idea on principle, we wouldn't really have much of a friendship. Better to stay home.

I have a dread of weddings too. I didn't know I did until I was asked to be bridesmaid to my best friend who's getting married for the first time at the age of 45 next year.

I just can't feel excited for her. I do feel like a bad friend for this. While she's getting married, I'm separating from my husband of 20 years. To say I feel disenchanted with the whole idea of getting married is an understatement.

To top it all off, I have really bad social anxiety. I'm fine in small groups but the idea of being with hundreds of people I don't know fills me with dread. Add to that I'll be in the spotlight as a bridesmaid and will have to wear something I don't feel comfortable in. I've tried to explain to her about the social anxiety but I think she believed me and started getting offended. I fear a fallout from this and think it best to just grit my teeth.

I just wish people stopped wasting money on weddings and just made a commitment to each other. By all means have a small registry wedding if you're doing it for legal reasons and give the money to charity instead.

I'm talking about "wedding fever" and the trappings of it. It's concrete vs abstract.

Yes but the abstract, and the things you personally associate with it, aren't really relevant. People aren't saying they hate the abstract, they're saying they hate actually attending, they consider it an imposition, it wastes their time, they assume the couple are a pair of cheaters.

I would hope that they could separate their own personal associations from whaf it actually means to their friends who invited them. I'm not a fan of organised religion just because I've attended religious weddings. But if they can't, then they should stay home.

I know I keep saying it, but what else is there? If I can't convince someone that my wedding invitation isn't intended as a personal affront to every female guest, what's the solution?

I just wish people stopped wasting money on weddings and just made a commitment to each other. By all means have a small registry wedding if you're doing it for legal reasons and give the money to charity instead.

People can do whatever they like. I'm sure you've spent some money on yourself in the past instead of donating it to charity.

@Elbels

I bloody love a wedding, getting dressed up? Seeing two people in love celebrate their relationship? Hanging out with my friends for the day? Lovely food and booze? Everyone is a good mood? Music? Dancing?

It's the best!

I find the bummer attitude towards weddings from people on Mumsnet absolutely baffling.

Exactly this! Everyone is so down on weddings.

I love them.

@DrSbaitso

This kind of echoes my point though - why can't people accept that some people dohateweddings, that some people do find weddings a massive imposition, a complete waste of time etc.?

Because if we are supposed to be close enough for me to invite you to my happy life celebration, I wouldn't think you'd consider it an imposition. If you truly thought I was imposing on you and wasting your time by doing that, then I don't think we are actually friends. You don't have to find the concept fascinating in abstract, but if you care about me, I'd hope you wouldn't HATE my happy celebration, feel imposed upon by it, consider it a waste of time. If you feel that way about things that matter to me, you aren't the kind of friend I want and I'd rather you didn't come.

It seems a very strong reaction to something which I would think was, at worst, a slightly dull affair for people who don't much care about dinner and dancing. If it wasn't at all sweetened for you by the fact that it's mine and I care about you enough to want you there - you still considered it nothing but a waste of time and an actual imposition - then don't come. You aren't someone I want there.

I can't help but feel that the level of vitriol being expressed here is about something else. That's usually the case when people have reactions that are really much stronger than the situation warrants.

No, women expressing 'strong' opinions which go against the grain aren't always "about something else" (read: jealousy, bitterness). Some of us have just arrived at our own conclusions which differ from the norm.

You can't win. People get offended if they are not invited, but are miffed when they ARE invited.

If you really hate them, just DECLINE!
If you were invited to 2 weddings on the same day at the opposite side of the country, you would decline (at least) one. It's really not that hard.

It's a happy gathering, usually nice food, nice party, I love weddings. I received invitations of events hosted in places I would have never thought visiting, made a weekend or a holiday of it, what's not to like?

If it's not your cup of tea, go elsewhere next time.

No one is expecting (or care) if you spend a fortune having your hair/nails/ makeup and god knows what done.