AIBU to let my boyfriend and his daughter sleep over

[FeelingUnsureNow]

Just that really. Been seeing bf for 8 months. Because of our jobs and distance, we only see each other once or twice a week and we are really great together. My 16 year old son is cool with sleepovers, his 12 year old is cool with it but my 14 year old daughter is not happy. She likes him, is indifferent to his daughter and doesn't want them to sleepover because she feels like it's an invasion of her space. Fair call, I think but not sure how to tell him without offending. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for letting them stay. Be kind please. Just trying to get perspective and do the right thing.

On any other thread on likely any other topic I’d definitely be on the same page as you regarding mummy martyrdom. If you’d care to search my posting history (don’t suppose you’ll find that a good use of time/effort, mind...) you’ll certainly find plenty of evidence across the site of me making fierce and uncompromising arguments against that narrative, across the board.

But having a man you hardly know (let’s be honest, 8 months is really not a long time to properly know someone, especially after bad relationships, because your view can often be muddled by the relative positives, but that’s another discussion for another time) sleep at your house when your teenage daughter has told you she’s not comfortable with it? No, that’s not a situation where your argument is persuasive enough to convince me.

Anyway, I’ve said what I need to say and OP can take what she wants from this discussion.

@FeelingUnsureNow I wish you well. Please do remember, though, that your first responsibility is to yourself, then your children, and then, after that, you can consider his feelings. Anything other than that is not the right balance for you right now in these circumstances.

But having a man you hardly know (let’s be honest, 8 months is really not a long time to properly know someone, especially after bad relationships, because your view can often be muddled by the relative positives, but that’s another discussion for another time) sleep at your house when your teenage daughter has told you she’s not comfortable with it? No, that’s not a situation where your argument is persuasive enough to convince me.

I don't disagree with you there. I think suggesting that OP waits longer to start introducing overnights is a very reasonable middle ground in this case!

@PolkadotFlamingos

And no, I am not telling people to get a man to be happy but for me, meeting him has been good for everyone. I'm a much better parent when I'm not engulfed with grief.

This is concerning though. I'm not being unkind, really, but there is an infinite universe between being with a man and being engulfed in grief. I hope you healed properly from your horrible relationship, before you entered this one. It's not normal to be in grief once you're over someone and meeting someone new, being happy single first should be a happy situation!

Also OP if you were engulfed by grief before you met him, that is pre 8 months ago.

Absolutely no length of time for your daughter to be processing everything that ye have all been through.

You sound like you are doing your best and after many years of going through what you have, of course it is easy to understand why you wish to grasp it.

But your gut was telling you something when you chose to put up a thread.

Proceed with great care and as a mother of teenage girls, I would recommend you get her some counselling too.

She is hurting from what you have all been through and helping her process this sooner rather than later will be of enormous benefit to her.

Crikey op, you're getting a bit of a hard time here.

It seems only the very best humans are members of mumsnet.

I would talk to your daughter, find out what her reservations are and go from there. It's your home and life too, there has to be a compromise somewhere.

You are actually asking op to do something emotionally damaging to her, on the basis of your pop psychology "empire evidence" pseudo woo.

It's empirical evidence. Otherwise known as science. Sorry that you think that peer reviewed scientific studies are "woo"

I simply disagree with you that it is a good thing to teach children that parents should always prioritise their children, whatever the cost to themselves and regardless of the nuances of the situation.

You've made this up though. Nobody said that. They said that a child's needs should take priority. Not at any cost. My own posts have been quite nuanced if you are referring to me, e.g. the value my step-mother has brought to my life.

People have objected to the very fast pace of the introduction and them trying to move to someone staying over in a house with teenage children, and especially to the idea of continuing to do so much when the DD has said it makes her uncomfortable. That is not remotely close to what you wrote,

@QuentinBunbury

they are tripping over themselves to be seen as putting their kids first 100% of the time. It's a big part of the "fashion" in parenting these days. I find it highly toxic, I would hate for it to happen to my daughter.

This.

🙄🙄🙄 Yes, those monstruous parents who care about their children's feelings. How could they?! 🧐

It seems only the very best humans are members of mumsnet.

Jesus. You don't have to be one of the "very best humans" to decide not to make your DD feel uncomfortable in her own home when it's so easily avoidable, surely?

What a strange statement. I've always put my DC first and I started parenting 26 years ago! My parents did too and their parenting started 50 years ago! I don't think it's some new 'fashion' at all!

Agreed. It's natural for most people to behave like this. It's not some superhuman effort, it's instinctive. I suppose it evolved that way so that the species survives!

Unfortunately for some children there are outliers and they just don't get it and never will, yet still have children.

*You've made this up though. Nobody said that. They said that a child's needs should take priority. Not at any cost. My own posts have been quite nuanced if you are referring to me, e.g. the value my step-mother has brought to my life.

People have objected to the very fast pace of the introduction and them trying to move to someone staying over in a house with teenage children, and especially to the idea of continuing to do so much when the DD has said it makes her uncomfortable. That is not remotely close to what you wrote*

No, I wasn't referring to you. I wasn't referring purely to the case in this OP either, I've said that many times. I was briefly and sweepingly referring to a general attitude I'd seen much of on other threads and hints of on this one.

Yes, these monstrous parents that would advise a woman seeking advice, that it isn't a good idea to force a new 8 month relationship on her 14 year old daughter.

A daughter that has grown up in an abusive household seeing her mother treated badly, and engulfed in grief before meeting this man 8 months ago.

Many people on MN have the judgement to read the OP's posts and realise that she would be wise to proceed with care and caution.

I make no apology for wanting my children to have the safest, calmest, securest environment to grow up in.

It certainly beats the environment a lot of children grow up in, with absent, self serving parents spouting platitudes of it all being character building.

That somehow having a chaotic childhood builds resilience 🙄

It's empirical evidence. Otherwise known as science. Sorry that you think that peer reviewed scientific studies are "woo" confused
In the context of OPs request (a one off sleepover for a specific event) I asked you for evidence to back up this statement that you made:
A 14 year old girl who is made to feel miserable and uncomfortable in her own home through this crucial developmental stage may have long-term harm from this. If the OP instead meets her boyfriend 30 mins away in between where they live and doesn't impose him on her DD's family home against her will, it will be mildly inconvenient for a few years (if the relationship which is a few months long actually endures). I think the balance of potential benefit/ harm is pretty clear.

You haven't actually done that. Your statement is woo. I know there is empirical evidence about various aspects of psychology but remain to be convinced that a mother having a boyfriend stay over occasionally causes psychological harm.

If you have evidence I'd love to see it of course. But on the whole I think its out of order to claim someone's going to harm their child because your parenting philosophy differs from theirs.

Also, this wasn't my quote but people seem to be missing out a vital part of it:
they are tripping over themselves to be seen as putting their kids first 100% of the time. It's a big part of the "fashion" in parenting these days. I find it highly toxic, I would hate for it to happen to my daughter
It's not healthy to put anyone first 100% of the time, because there are naturally times where your needs and theirs don't align and it's harmful to always prioritise others.
I think its very valuable for children to learn to share, compromise, take turns, do things they don't want to sometimes because their parents do. Finding it weird so many people think that's controversial

If prioritisation about whether dinner is lasagne or Caesar salad - then fine, mum gets a pick some nights. If it's about picking a holiday then mum can give options but as controller of the money will always choose. It isn't that simple, it's about a girl being made to feel uncomfortable in her own home because of strangers suddenly moving in. That's a lot more serious than what's for dinner. It isn't unreasonable that she might need a bit more time to get to know this man and his child before sharing her home. "One night" to her will look like the start of him moving in, there's a whole heap of steps that need to be in place to make that ok and rushing her now won't give her comfort it'll be done in an appropriate way.

@aSofaNearYou

*You've made this up though. Nobody said that. They said that a child's needs should take priority. Not at any cost. My own posts have been quite nuanced if you are referring to me, e.g. the value my step-mother has brought to my life.

People have objected to the very fast pace of the introduction and them trying to move to someone staying over in a house with teenage children, and especially to the idea of continuing to do so much when the DD has said it makes her uncomfortable. That is not remotely close to what you wrote*

No, I wasn't referring to you. I wasn't referring purely to the case in this OP either, I've said that many times. I was briefly and sweepingly referring to a general attitude I'd seen much of on other threads and hints of on this one.

Well I can't comment on your perception of general unspecified other threads you have read. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Not sure anybody can respond to that in a meaningful way, so what's the point of posting it?

@QuentinBunbury

It's empirical evidence. Otherwise known as science. Sorry that you think that peer reviewed scientific studies are "woo" confused In the context of OPs request (a one off sleepover for a specific event) I asked you for evidence to back up this statement that you made: A 14 year old girl who is made to feel miserable and uncomfortable in her own home through this crucial developmental stage may have long-term harm from this. If the OP instead meets her boyfriend 30 mins away in between where they live and doesn't impose him on her DD's family home against her will, it will be mildly inconvenient for a few years (if the relationship which is a few months long actually endures). I think the balance of potential benefit/ harm is pretty clear.

You haven't actually done that. Your statement is woo. I know there is empirical evidence about various aspects of psychology but remain to be convinced that a mother having a boyfriend stay over occasionally causes psychological harm.

If you have evidence I'd love to see it of course. But on the whole I think its out of order to claim someone's going to harm their child because your parenting philosophy differs from theirs.

Did you? Where??

You haven't actually done that

No, you're right. I haven't, personally done studies on it. I don't need to because lots of qualified psychologists and psychiatrists have been doing that research for several decades and consistently shown this to be the case in various different contexts. Are you saying they're all wrong? Based on what?

Well I can't comment on your perception of general unspecified other threads you have read. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Not sure anybody can respond to that in a meaningful way, so what's the point of posting it?

I did tell you several times you were dissecting a passing comment unnecessarily. It was a minor observation of attitudes on here. A few people got it. What more do you want? It wasn't directed at you.

Research into what I actually referred to obviously, which was imposing a new relationship into the family home against the children's wishes. Not the random crap you made up about "sleepovers". Pretty sure the OP isn't a ten year old.

@aSofaNearYou

Well I can't comment on your perception of general unspecified other threads you have read. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Not sure anybody can respond to that in a meaningful way, so what's the point of posting it?

I did tell you several times you were dissecting a passing comment unnecessarily. It was a minor observation of attitudes on here. A few people got it. What more do you want? It wasn't directed at you.

Ok. It seems you admit it was a pointless and baseless comment that you will not even attempt to justify so I'll just disregard it and hope others do likewise. 🤷🏻‍♀️

it's about a girl being made to feel uncomfortable in her own home because of strangers suddenly moving in.
They aren't moving in! They are staying over for one night after watching a football match!

Research into what I actually referred to obviously, which was imposing a new relationship into the family home against the children's wishes. Not the random crap you made up about "sleepovers". Pretty sure the OP isn't a ten year old.
Go on then. Find me some research about that which isn't about cohabiting/step parents. You clearly know the evidence base very well so should be easy, I had a Google as a lay person but nothing came up.
Seriously I'm happy to eat my words if you can show me that a mum having her boyfriend to stay sometimes is damaging.

Well I have to say I think that @FeelingUnsureNow has a much more balanced view of the situation than many other posters.

@QuentinBunbury

Research into what I actually referred to obviously, which was imposing a new relationship into the family home against the children's wishes. Not the random crap you made up about "sleepovers". Pretty sure the OP isn't a ten year old. Go on then. Find me some research about that which isn't about cohabiting/step parents. You clearly know the evidence base very well so should be easy, I had a Google as a lay person but nothing came up. Seriously I'm happy to eat my words if you can show me that a mum having her boyfriend to stay sometimes is damaging.

Are you for real? You've tried to google studies about the effects of a parent imposing new partners into children's lives against their wishes and came up with nothing??

Ok then. 😂

I'm in disbelief at some of these posts. Are people really this bonkers?!

Can’t believe people are talking about the Bf moving in! She asked about his staying over after watching a football game. As a guest, not a co-habitee. This thread is crazy now.