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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 'go off' a friend like this ?

175 replies

catfunk · 07/06/2021 22:35

This is the second time this has happened and I feel like somethings wrong with me. When a good friend hurts my feelings I just completely switch off from them and can't make myself want to see them.

Bit of a long story but - Good friend of around 15 years (male) he's moved around a lot with his family over the years, new location every 2 years or so... but we've always remained friends, spent the odd Xmas together, lovely visits, etc. Couple of years ago they moved to my area, it was going to be their forever home, we all spent loads of time together, introduced his wife to my girlfriends, all great. I adore his DC they had sleepovers at mine etc.

They had some very difficult times during the pandemic (which we were there for at drop of a hat supporting them and helping out because we love them) and they decided to relocate again which is a whole other thread but fine- we'd help them pack, support them, we planned to visit their new place etc. Hadn't heard from them in a couple of weeks which was very unusual. I messaged to ask if they needed help packing, when did they complete etc. Reply came - sorry we moved last week. It was all very quick and didn't have time to call you.
I was so hurt. Kept contact minimal and polite since as I just didn't feel like talking to them much you know? I miss them but I feel like our friendship is tainted. I'm not great with confrontation so don't want to just call him let rip.

Same happened about 10 yrs ago when another good friend behaved like a dick and It's like a switch just goes off in my and I think they're an arsehole and don't want to see them anymore. But I also feel like I'm wasting 15 years of friendship here!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/06/2021 22:38

I'm similar - I'm better just not having anything to do with someone for a while until I forget about it, but my instinct is to cut them off - I feel you're either my friend or you're not, and if you're not, there's no point in seeing you.

Hatethisplacetho · 07/06/2021 22:43

Why exactly were you hurt?? Moving house is busy and stressful just let them get on with it! You sound a bit clingy, or am I reading this wrong. You wanted to help them move but they did it on their own like grown adults.. no offence needs taken for that surely ...
If you don’t hear from a friend in a couple of weeks, and you know they’ve had tough times lately, just message to see how they are instead of deciding you’re hurt that they didn’t call you up on a favour and cutting them off..?

MsVestibule · 07/06/2021 22:44

YANBU. You feel as though he's told you that you're bottom of the pile in his list of important people - I know moving house can get very busy, but who's too busy to send a two minute text? At what point would he have contacted you if you hadn't messaged him?

I would wait for him to make the next contact and decide from there where you want to take it.

highlighteryellow · 07/06/2021 22:46

I understand being hurt but I wouldn't lose a 15 year friendship over this, personally.

Bagamoyo1 · 07/06/2021 22:46

Someone who moves every 2 years is clearly a bit flaky in my opinion. Those poor kids.

DrSbaitso · 07/06/2021 22:47

Moving house is stressful and time consuming.

You are allowed to dump longstanding friends of many years at the drop of a hat if you want to, but be careful you don't run out of people. You might be doing them a favour; if it's that easy for you to ditch people permanently, then you probably aren't as committed a friend as you think.

Chihuahuacat · 07/06/2021 22:47

It’s a tricky one - when I moved house I told as a few people as possible as it’s very stressful and I didn’t want to tempt fate until we actually had the keys. Could it just be that?

Original poster
catfunk · 07/06/2021 22:48

@Hatethisplacetho I wouldn't say I'm clingy at all. In fact I would have known when they were going if I was clingy but then stopped being in touch so much so I didn't think much of it - assumed they were busy....
Just would have expected a call or text to say they're leaving to move to the other side of the country when we'd ran around after them for a year and spent most weekends together previously !

OP posts:
LawnFever · 07/06/2021 22:48

I don’t get what the issue is? You offered to help but they sorted stuff out themselves because moving is busy and stressful - what’s the problem here, that they weren’t more needy and just got on with moving?

I think you sound hard work tbh, it’s not like you’d arranged an exact time to help and they let you down, not taking you up on an offer of help is hardly worth this level of drama from you.

ConstanceMarkievicz · 07/06/2021 22:49

You don't know that they weren't about to let people know.

They sound ridiculous moving twice during the pandemic!

LunaNorth · 07/06/2021 22:51

I’m a bit like this. It’s like I allow multiple small transgressions for years, but then a line is crossed and I just can’t let people back over it.

I’ve cut off four or five ‘good friends’ that I’ve suddenly realised weren't that good after all. It’s not something I particularly like about myself. I’m working on having better boundaries in the first place.

Original poster
catfunk · 07/06/2021 22:51

@LawnFever

I don’t get what the issue is? You offered to help but they sorted stuff out themselves because moving is busy and stressful - what’s the problem here, that they weren’t more needy and just got on with moving?

I think you sound hard work tbh, it’s not like you’d arranged an exact time to help and they let you down, not taking you up on an offer of help is hardly worth this level of drama from you.

I suppose that we saw/ spoke to them every weekend (usually on their request tbh) then they just slipped off to the other end of the country without a goodbye?
OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 07/06/2021 22:51

Can't they settle anywhere?

LawnFever · 07/06/2021 22:52

Just would have expected a call or text to say they're leaving to move to the other side of the country when we'd ran around after them for a year and spent most weekends together previously !

But they did tell you they were moving Confused

Sounds like you’ve only helped them out in the past to get some kind of pat on the back rather than because you’re friends and that’s what friends do.

Original poster
catfunk · 07/06/2021 22:52

Some good perspectives here though, thanks all.

OP posts:
Original poster
catfunk · 07/06/2021 22:55

@LawnFever that's not the case at all.
If you had close friends/ neighbours that you saw every weekend, like family etc. You know they were moving in winter but no date, not even a month firmed up at that point. Then they just leave without a goodbye after 2 weeks of radio silence. Wouldn't you think it odd? I do!

OP posts:
Halo1234 · 07/06/2021 22:55

But they said they are moving though. U offered to help pack. I dont get it. Are u annoyed they didn't tell u the exact day? Don't throw away an otherwise good friendship. I dont think its a big deal and tbh I am struggling to see what they should have done differently.

HectorPlasm · 07/06/2021 22:57

I'm the same. Tolerant of a lot but there is always a tipping point where I'm done and switch off.

Nekoness · 07/06/2021 22:59

So basically the problem is they left to the other side of the country without even saying goodbye?

Yeah, that’s completely different than being pissy because they moved a week early and were moving an hour or two away from you.

I can see why you’re so hurt. Spending weekends together but then when they made up their minds to start a new life elsewhere, they were basically flipping you the bird without even looking back as they fucked away.

Original poster
catfunk · 07/06/2021 22:59

Yes @Halo1234 In reverse I would have at least tried to say goodbye- at least a text if not a face to face - after spending most weekends together like family for best part of 2 years.

And no I'm not pissed off that I didn't get to help them pack, I've helped them move twice over the years so happy to leave them to it 😂

OP posts:
Namechangedandoverwhelmed · 07/06/2021 23:00

YANBU because you can be friends with whoever you like.

However you wouldn’t be my friend, I would never live up to your expectations! You seem to hold your friends to a high standard and once they fall short, you’re through with them.

I had a good friend like you a few years ago. I was always worrying that she would take against me. Eventually, being fallible like most people, I did disappoint her and she has been distant towards me ever since.
Part of me is sad but also relieved to be free of her lofty expectations.

Friends don’t owe you anything OP. You can ditch who you like but I hope you enjoy your own company!

Original poster
catfunk · 07/06/2021 23:01

Yes @Nekoness a 6 hour drive away now so can't just pop over to visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
catfunk · 07/06/2021 23:03

Thanks for your insight @Namechangedandoverwhelmed.
I feel like I've never had high expectations, in fact I've usually bent to his wishes and done the running around. Which is why I'm feeling a bit used I guess.

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JustCallMeJulia · 07/06/2021 23:05

It is very rude that they buggered off without so much as a goodbye after you had put a lot of time and effort in to welcoming them to your area and helping them settle.

It takes no time at all to send a quick watsapp or whatever. Though they should have popped round really, before leaving.

Yes, I have cut out a couple of friends too. Years later I regret it a bit. But these things happen and I had good reason at the time.

Original poster
catfunk · 07/06/2021 23:18

Urgh i guess it's even worse as seeing them now will entail a 2 or 3 day visit which I just feel weird about now despite them asking. Would be easier if it was a quick coffee!

OP posts: