To 'go off' a friend like this ?

[catfunk]

This is the second time this has happened and I feel like somethings wrong with me. When a good friend hurts my feelings I just completely switch off from them and can't make myself want to see them.

Bit of a long story but - Good friend of around 15 years (male) he's moved around a lot with his family over the years, new location every 2 years or so... but we've always remained friends, spent the odd Xmas together, lovely visits, etc. Couple of years ago they moved to my area, it was going to be their forever home, we all spent loads of time together, introduced his wife to my girlfriends, all great. I adore his DC they had sleepovers at mine etc.

They had some very difficult times during the pandemic (which we were there for at drop of a hat supporting them and helping out because we love them) and they decided to relocate again which is a whole other thread but fine- we'd help them pack, support them, we planned to visit their new place etc. Hadn't heard from them in a couple of weeks which was very unusual. I messaged to ask if they needed help packing, when did they complete etc. Reply came - sorry we moved last week. It was all very quick and didn't have time to call you.
I was so hurt. Kept contact minimal and polite since as I just didn't feel like talking to them much you know? I miss them but I feel like our friendship is tainted. I'm not great with confrontation so don't want to just call him let rip.

Same happened about 10 yrs ago when another good friend behaved like a dick and It's like a switch just goes off in my and I think they're an arsehole and don't want to see them anymore. But I also feel like I'm wasting 15 years of friendship here!

I think the people who don't understand why you feel the way you do perhaps don't have very close friendships, or their friendships are just very different. I too would be hurt, as would my dearest friend, if either of as had behaved that way.

However, I wonder if it's not a big thing to them as they move around so often that they have forgotten the significance of a proper goodbye.

Personally, I would just give it some time.

Hmm. I would take that enormous hint that has been dropped and definitely not pursue them for an explanation. If they're friends they will contact you soon. If not, then leave them alone.

@longwayoff

Hmm. I would take that enormous hint that has been dropped and definitely not pursue them for an explanation. If they're friends they will contact you soon. If not, then leave them alone.

Yeah... this too.

Mumsnet is a strange place sometimes. I think expecting a goodbye text at least is totally reasonable and I can see why you are hurt. Or at the very least something to say they have arrived safely, new house is nice etc.
I can also relate to the tendancy to give up on friendship. It's like you've seen something in them you now can't un see.
I'd let him make the next move regarding contact and take it from there. Inevitably your friendship will scale back with the distance but you can still maintain something.
To play devils advocate, perhaps they are sure they told you the date and wonder why you stepped back knowing they were leaving very soon

I think the people who don't understand why you feel the way you do perhaps don't have very close friendships

More likely we have actual friendships that we don't ditch after a single perceived slight. Because
we don't build our friendships by running around after people and then getting upset when they don't do as we want.

I don't think he's necessarily been a dick, although he has been thoughtless.

I do think he's got different values about friendship than you do though. I think he thinks friendships are transient, and can be picked up and dropped according to current needs. You think that friendship involves mutual support and consideration. Neither is wrong, just different. I've realised, and it's taken me forever, that people put you into categories of friendship and also have different ideas of friendship. And you don't have any say as to which category you're in. So there are people some people would drop everything for and others they wouldn't bother to pick up the phone to inform them they're moving, depending on their perceived closeness (although they'd happily socialise with both). And there's others who'd help anyone who they considered any kind of friend.

It's important to work out which kind of category your friends come into to avoid disappointment and also which category they've put you in, if they're the type to categorise their friends. Once your expectations are lowered you can decide what effort you're prepared to put into these friendships and you're less likely to be hurt by them.

It sounds like you both viewed the relationship very differently.

I also think it's a boundaries issue.

You gave too much and expected reciprocation, even if you don't think you did.

I'm the same and I have cut off countless people off my life.

I wouldn’t live up to your friendship expectations. I don’t even see extended family that much, let alone friends. In fact, the thought of having to keep up friendships with such high expectations for contact is exhausting.

Your friends sound very flighty though, all the moving around. So, I doubt the lack of contact is meant personally, it’s just more practical to be in touch less because they aren’t there anymore, aren’t around for meet ups. Maybe the friendship just meant less to them - if houses and places are so temporary and disposable to them, maybe friendships are too.

I would take it less personally and perhaps reduce your expectations of people.

@Hatethisplacetho

Why exactly were you hurt?? Moving house is busy and stressful just let them get on with it! You sound a bit clingy, or am I reading this wrong. You wanted to help them move but they did it on their own like grown adults.. no offence needs taken for that surely ... If you don’t hear from a friend in a couple of weeks, and you know they’ve had tough times lately, just message to see how they are instead of deciding you’re hurt that they didn’t call you up on a favour and cutting them off..?

This

This is one of the very rare occasions on AIBU when I completely agree with the OP. I would be very upset if someone I considered a close friend did this to me. To move away without even a text from the car saying 'heading off for the new house now!' is awful. I would assume that I was mistaken in thinking we we were close. I would be embarrassed about that, hurt that I wasn't important to them and I would definitely let the friendship slide.

A very close friend of mine moved during lockdown. We couldn't see each other because of lockdown but she kept me and a couple of other friends involved via WhatsApp. We knew when she offered on the new house, when she exchanged contracts etc. We saw photos of the packed up house where we've had so many fun evenings and then photos of the new one when they arrived. It's sad that she's moved 200 miles away but her sharing the experience confirmed that we are still an important part of her life. We are booked to go and visit her as soon as lockdown is over - can't wait!

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I think this is your issue. You have bad boundaries and expect to "win" people's respect and admiration by letting them walk on you, then when they mysteriously fail to respond appropriately to your self-sacrifice, you cut them off. Did you have a martyr mother, by any chance?

Your subtext seems to be "Look what I've suffered for you, and yet you treat me like this?" Except you don't actually say it. It's passive-aggressive.

You need to learn to not do things you don't want to do and talk about it like a grownup when you have an issue.

This.

If you can show people that you expect them to respect you, from the very beginning of the relationship, then you won't find yourself years down the line feeling used because you've put so much into the relationship and got nothing in return.

Hi Op
Had v similar experience with friends that had become like family. Birthdays, weekends together. Kids loved each other. They moved quite suddenly and subsequently split up and friendship has gone to nothing.
Looking back I see that they had pushed for the closeness and we responded bc they seemed lovely. But I think so much of it was them trying to appear to be this amazing fun family when really it was all falling apart in their relationship and understandably they weren't ready to share that.
I felt devastated. I really cared about them. I also very used and angry that I had allowed my kids to be left so sad and confused by their friends disappearing.
A year later we exchange the odd message and they have said they will visit after covid allows. I kind of hope they don't. My kids have stopped asking after them as much and I don't want to reopen old wounds for them and for me.

I can't decide if you are BU or not.

but some people are just not good with goodbyes.
I know people who never say goodbye at parties, not even to the host, they just leave when they had enough.
it's odd to me but they just didn't like the hassle of it.
that's what came to mind, especially with their history of moving often it seems it just doesn't mean that much to them

I just remembered the phrase: Irish goodbye.
that's what they do

@Mumdiva99 thanks mum diva. I was really quite crushed, because I really like her. I managed to text back, "I hope you settle down and enjoy the new place. I'm sure X (her daughter) will make lots of new friends soon." It left me thinking wtf, she moved and didn't tell me for 2 months! Its left me feeling that nothings real anymore. For the past couple of months I haven't text most friends (apart from one, I've known since age 5!) Because I'm now thinking that they're not real friendships. My nan used to always say, there's nowt more strange than folk!"

I can see both sides of this. I think it is pretty weird to move house to the other side of the country without so much as a goodbye text to someone who has been a close and supportive friend. There may have been a perfectly reasonable explanation but I can totally see why you would see this as a bit of a slap in the face.

On the other hand you do sound a bit intense and like someone who feels friendship has to be "won" by duty, obligation and ticking the boxes. For a lot of people it just doesn't work like this: its either there or its not and it can't be forced. It is possible that you made him and his family feel slightly claustrophobic with offers for help and support etc. I'm not saying that's right or good but I can imagine people feeling like this. There may also have been numerous other things you weren't aware of which meant moving was difficult or emotional for them.

I do understand the impulse to cut someone off when they've hurt you as I've done this myself. But I would be careful about doing this. You don't really want to lose a lifelong friendship over something which was rude but probably not intentionally so.

I'd take a step back, give them a bit of space and ask yourself whether your behaviour could have made them felt a tiny bit controlled or imposed upon. If you genuinely feel the answer is no, then just leave it to breathe for a bit and chalk it up to one of those things. Its unlikely you'll feel as upset as you do now in two years.

@iluvnettletea and how do you do that, exactly? Show people that you expect them to respect you when you first meet them? Unless you walk up to someone and say ‘Shall we be friends? Oh but just to say, I don’t tolerate flaky people, people that treat me with total disregard, people that bitch about me behind my back.’ Yadda, yadda. Often you don’t know how someone’s going to treat you until....well, they do. Sometimes there’s little warning signs but other times not.

I also totally agree with the poster who said people put their friendships into categories. They absolutely do, but how you’re really meant to find out which category you’re in, again can be quite difficult until you’re shown, and then the hurt (if it’s a lesser one than you initially thought) is already there.

YANBU OP. I can’t imagine moving 6 hours away and not telling any of my close friends until a couple of weeks later, and even then only because they’d messaged me?! Such odd behaviour and I’m surprised so many on here don’t think so. A message a week before or something ‘Hey, just thought I’d let you know, we’ve got our completion date for the new house, we’ll be leaving next Friday. Will miss you all very much.’ Or something would’ve taken about 30 seconds to send.

Two silly scenarios in my mind:

1. He is working as a secret agent and cant reveal date and location of move.
2. Wife got paranoid about cheating and his good "friendships" and wanted him to cut all contact and move.

In all seriousness, maybe wait and see if they reach out after the business.

I just remembered the phrase: Irish goodbye. that's what they do

Not a very pleasant phrase.

I don't blame you.
I had similar with my cousin. Sent Christmas presents to their address for kids only to receive a Christmas card a week or so later with their new address on. I didn't even know they had moved! I felt a bit humiliated to be honest and I definitely wasn't going to chase around getting the presents redirected to the new address.

Moving house is crayzee. I don’t think I’ve ever had time to placate my more needy friends during a move. Once we didn’t even have time to say goodbye to long-standing neighbours, and went back afterwards.

If it’s Covid related it may simply be that one of their jobs fell through and they had to move somewhere for work quickly.

A friend of mine has moved during the pandemic to be near her DH’s new workplace.

Tbh this sounds like abandonment issues on your part. You’ve interpreted a relatively minor incident as abandonment and want to cut off your friends because of it. This is what people with BPD/EUPD do. (I don’t mean you have a personality disorder, simply that it’s a recognised issues in some kinds of mental illness).

YANBU to be hurt that they effectively did a moonlit flit on you, by leaving without even letting you know when they were going.
That just IS hurtful.

I understand that your feelings are hurt, and can see why it would affect how you feel about your friends - but I don't know that I would just cut them off entirely as friends. My sister, on the other hand, would absolutely cut them off dead for this, as she expects her friends to treat her as she treats them and once it has been demonstrated that they don't, she no longer wants to stay friends with them.

Not sure who is right though!

I would be upset too, they sound like users to me.

They planned it all and had a date, packed and went without even a text? Rude if you were the friends to them you thought you were.

Seems like sadly they dont view you the same way

Sounds to me like you’re more into them than they are to you.

Personally I’d find you very intense.

It’s just different ways of doing things.

I've just googled 'Irish Goodbye', how strange, it's something I might do and I'm not Irish.

My lovely in laws are Irish and goodbyes usually take at least half an hour.

I've just realised that these two statements may be linked.