To 'go off' a friend like this ?

[catfunk]

This is the second time this has happened and I feel like somethings wrong with me. When a good friend hurts my feelings I just completely switch off from them and can't make myself want to see them.

Bit of a long story but - Good friend of around 15 years (male) he's moved around a lot with his family over the years, new location every 2 years or so... but we've always remained friends, spent the odd Xmas together, lovely visits, etc. Couple of years ago they moved to my area, it was going to be their forever home, we all spent loads of time together, introduced his wife to my girlfriends, all great. I adore his DC they had sleepovers at mine etc.

They had some very difficult times during the pandemic (which we were there for at drop of a hat supporting them and helping out because we love them) and they decided to relocate again which is a whole other thread but fine- we'd help them pack, support them, we planned to visit their new place etc. Hadn't heard from them in a couple of weeks which was very unusual. I messaged to ask if they needed help packing, when did they complete etc. Reply came - sorry we moved last week. It was all very quick and didn't have time to call you.
I was so hurt. Kept contact minimal and polite since as I just didn't feel like talking to them much you know? I miss them but I feel like our friendship is tainted. I'm not great with confrontation so don't want to just call him let rip.

Same happened about 10 yrs ago when another good friend behaved like a dick and It's like a switch just goes off in my and I think they're an arsehole and don't want to see them anymore. But I also feel like I'm wasting 15 years of friendship here!

I'm not sure about this one. The fact is you are entitled to feel how you feel and if the friendship has changed for you then so be it. I do find it odd that you were annoyed that they didn't take your help to pack and just got on with it but then again if they have moved far away then presumably it's more difficult to see them. If they lived very close to you now (not sure how close) then they could have arranged to see you to say good bye.

I think the whole thing sounds odd. They disrupted their family and moved to their so called forever home. Then they disrupted them again and moved far away. They didn't say Goodbye.
They sound rather selfish.

The Irish Goodbye is at the end of the night when you haven't the energy to let everybody know when you'll next be in touch etc...

it's not ghosting people!

I know this is classic armchair psychology but why so many moves? Have you ever wondered why they cannot sit still @catfunk

I have gone off a friend quickly on two occasions, but it was in one case because I found that the person was gossipping maliciously about me to others, and on the other occasion because they started lecturing me about my 'bad habits' and, even when I promised not to do those things which may have disturbed them, kept at me: 'But I don't see why we can't discuss it. Why do you do it?'

What happened here would not have bothered me at all, If you'd made a definite arrangement that they'd broken, I would understand being annoyed about it; but moving house is one of the most stressful things people can do, and, if it happened quickly, I wouldn't expect them to contact you instantly about it; they may well have been overwhelmed with the stress and rush. It's not as though they became uncontactable, or as though they didn't tell you for months.

Of course there may be things that you haven't told us, like why they moved twice in such rapid succession, especially during a pandemic; but I certainly wouldn't hold it against them just that they hadn't been sufficiently prompt in telling you when they'd moved.

I've met people like that. They think everything will magically be different in Scotland, Cornwall, The South of France. They get there and they still have to take out the rubbish and pay bills.

Sometimes moving house is an all consuming highly stressful event. Maybe he could not cope with seeing friends whilst frantically packing and just wanted to focus on packing!

One of our moves was sudden, our good friends kept asking to come over and say goodbye but it would have meant half an hour of coffees and hugs we didn’t have time for. We didn’t even manage to pack all our stuff, left lots of it behind!

I think they sound like shits. They don't need you anymore so off the fuck without a word. I'd give it a while until you see if they contact you again and if you want to hear from them.

Left to myself, I’d move on every couple of years — no secret agent stuff, no armchair psychology about thinking things will be different in Lisbon/Truro/Galway, I just like a new place.

And as someone who maintains strong, longterm friendships without physical proximity, what strikes me is that the OP maintained a good friendship with this man since long before he lived close to her — it hasn’t just been a friendship of proximity. So it’s perfectly possible he doesn’t view moving on, especially in the stressful circumstances the OP suggests, as in any way the kiss of death to the friendship, as it’s clearly coped before with lots of moves. That doesn’t make him a bad person.

YANBU. You feel as though he's told you that you're bottom of the pile in his list of important people - I know moving house can get very busy, but who's too busy to send a two minute text?

It isn't necessarily about the time, it's the headspace. If you sit down at the end of a long day you might have the time to start texting people but you wouldn't necessarily have the energy to do it. I quite often don't. It's not that I like a person any less, I've just lost the ability to engage. This may be something to do with me being an depressed introvert, but sometimes I just lack the energy to do stuff even if technically I have the time.

I would not end a friendship over this. I would however think the person was less close as a friend than I had previously thought but to me that's OK. Some people you can be friendly with, they're just not your close, inner circle. The problem here I think is that it seemed like these people were close and for whatever reasons, they're now not. And the perpetual moving is odd.

@RattlesnakesUnfold

Sometimes moving house is an all consuming highly stressful event. Maybe he could not cope with seeing friends whilst frantically packing and just wanted to focus on packing!

One of our moves was sudden, our good friends kept asking to come over and say goodbye but it would have meant half an hour of coffees and hugs we didn’t have time for. We didn’t even manage to pack all our stuff, left lots of it behind!

That's a good point. It's easy to think "why didn't they make time to see me?", forgetting they have other friends too

It would have to be a really good friendship for me to travel 6 hours to see anyone (discounting friends abroad). I wouldn't be in a hurry to visit these people. It sounds like he's a user.

Of course it's weird to move without saying goodbye. Anyone saying otherwise - well - I find that very odd.

We moved 6 hours from friends, and a few days before we moved, we had a big get together at our house to say farewell.

It isn't necessarily about the time, it's the headspace. If you sit down at the end of a long day you might have the time to start texting people but you wouldn't necessarily have the energy to do it. I quite often don't. It's not that I like a person any less, I've just lost the ability to engage. This may be something to do with me being an depressed introvert, but sometimes I just lack the energy to do stuff even if technically I have the time.

I agree with this. Sometimes if you have spent a week or so dealing with the grief of a house move or equally stressful event, the sort of personal interaction which this requires can be the straw that broke the camel's back. It may not mean that the person values you less than others it just requires a degree of engagement which they can't find at the time.

I think we all need to be a bit more realistic about this sometimes. Adults especially if they are quite itinerant will have a fairly large network of people who they know. Not everyone can always be right at the top of the priority list.

I do think not sending a text is weird. But I can understand how it could happen by accident.

I’m not sure why this is an issue really. They moved house without your help and you’re bothered enough about this you want to drop the long standing friendship? Bit farfetched.

@DavidTheDog

I just remembered the phrase: Irish goodbye. that's what they do

Not a very pleasant phrase.

In France and Ireland it's called an English goodbye!

The time period in the run up to moving is usually manic. People often don't have time to personally arrange specific goodbyes if a moving date ends up being set at relatively late notice.

That period of 'radio silence' was probably when they were running around frantically trying to sort stuff out.

On the surface, it all sounds a bit full-on and exhausting. But it's clear that you're a giver, they're not givers- or at least, not to the extent that you are. That's ok too. It doesn't make your friend a bad guy, but you need to alter your expectations. You deserve to get what you give, OP. But maybe they don't give back as much. It's a lesson in expectations. Slow your roll a bit. Your 'give' is quite full on. And personally, I would feel stressed by the amount of 'give' that you give. I'd feel overwhelmed by a sense of obligation, a sense that I would owe you. I just would, even if you expected nothing, I'd feel like I owe you too much. An Irish Goodbye explains everything... I'm half Irish... it's a thing. People do it when they feel overwhelmed, almost guilty about how much they owe in gratitude to someone. It's too much. Sorry- your kindness is extraordinary. It was also too much for your friend (I won't pass judgment on his frequent moves. That's another thread/topic).

Find a balance, OP. It's healthier for you and the people around you. Less is more.
I think you can stay friends with him. Just dial back on what you give to others and on what you expect from others.

@longwayoff

Hmm. I would take that enormous hint that has been dropped and definitely not pursue them for an explanation. If they're friends they will contact you soon. If not, then leave them alone.

I agree with this.

I can understand your surprise and hurt but their behaviour is telling you that even though moving is both busy and stressful, they never thought once of you to send a text.

They sound flakey to say the least.
Poor children being moved a out constantly.

OP, I wouldn't be making any effort going forward.
Leave contact to them to make and move on in your life.

The radio silence was them organising the move.

Ignore the house move stuff - why are the moving so often and causing such an upheaval to the kids? They sound very selfish

They arent arseholes, they are living their life.

Why on earth do you think their life circumstances are all about you?

When they move and where is non of your business and they dont have to update you especially not immediately on their whereabouts when they are clearly expeceptionally busy.

You have no reason to be hurt by this and no right to be mad at them when they did nothing wrong.

I understand why you are hurt, OP. You have invested a lot in this friendship over the last year, on the understanding that you were helping your friend and his family establish a long term home.

The fact that they have chosen to move away so soon probably feels like a bit of a rejection of the life you were generously sharing with them. Also the fact that they didn't see any reason to mention to you that they were leaving makes clear that they didn't value your support, or view the friendship in the same light as you did, and you are possibly feeling a bit foolish as well as hurt.

But in fact... this is just what they do. Every move is meant to find the home and life they dream of, and when it doesn't they move on. It is definitely not a personal rejection of you, given that it is a strongly established pattern. I would just let it settle and see if he stays in touch.

You say you met up every weekend, who mostly instigated these meet ups - you, them, 50/50ish?

We have friends who we love dearly but they want to spend so much time with us and I find it very intense. DH more laid back, doesn't bother him. They would try to arrange meeting up every weekend (even during lockdown - sitting in a park etc distanced) .... I have started making up social situations to avoid it. I enjoy their company but we have other friends we want to spend time with and also I enjoy a night or two at home, in the garden, chilling with DH and/or teens depending on what they're doing - more so since lockdown, I don't want the effort of a full on social weekend every weekend.

Could be similar?

@Bluedeblue

Of course it's weird to move without saying goodbye. Anyone saying otherwise - well - I find that very odd.

We moved 6 hours from friends, and a few days before we moved, we had a big get together at our house to say farewell.

That sounds like my idea of HELL... who on earth is packed up ready to leave their house tomorrow and invites people over and hosts a bloody party?

utterly bizzare