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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 'go off' a friend like this ?

175 replies

catfunk · 07/06/2021 22:35

This is the second time this has happened and I feel like somethings wrong with me. When a good friend hurts my feelings I just completely switch off from them and can't make myself want to see them.

Bit of a long story but - Good friend of around 15 years (male) he's moved around a lot with his family over the years, new location every 2 years or so... but we've always remained friends, spent the odd Xmas together, lovely visits, etc. Couple of years ago they moved to my area, it was going to be their forever home, we all spent loads of time together, introduced his wife to my girlfriends, all great. I adore his DC they had sleepovers at mine etc.

They had some very difficult times during the pandemic (which we were there for at drop of a hat supporting them and helping out because we love them) and they decided to relocate again which is a whole other thread but fine- we'd help them pack, support them, we planned to visit their new place etc. Hadn't heard from them in a couple of weeks which was very unusual. I messaged to ask if they needed help packing, when did they complete etc. Reply came - sorry we moved last week. It was all very quick and didn't have time to call you.
I was so hurt. Kept contact minimal and polite since as I just didn't feel like talking to them much you know? I miss them but I feel like our friendship is tainted. I'm not great with confrontation so don't want to just call him let rip.

Same happened about 10 yrs ago when another good friend behaved like a dick and It's like a switch just goes off in my and I think they're an arsehole and don't want to see them anymore. But I also feel like I'm wasting 15 years of friendship here!

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/06/2021 09:54

Even if we'd said we were busy, they'd often pop their head over the gate (they live near), "Oh I thought you were out, shall we get a takeaway". It's too much!

grapewine · 08/06/2021 09:55

You say you met up every weekend, who mostly instigated these meet ups - you, them, 50/50ish? OP says in updates that it was mostly instigated by them.

Catswithflamingos · 08/06/2021 09:56

I have a very low tolerance for Issues with friendships, but do you know where that has got me?

No friends. Would not recommend

4fingerKitKat · 08/06/2021 09:59

I think this thread reveals a lot about how different personalities and friendship styles.

I have friends I care about a lot who I am in infrequent contact with, friends I care about less that I am in more frequent contact with, it depends on circumstances.

I would personally find some of the friendships described on here (constant updates and pictures of a house move etc) far too intense and needy. It’s not my style at all, I do have the headspace to absorb that much about other people’s lives on a daily basis.

You might not want a less intense friendship any more than I don’t want an intense one. That’s up to you.

But I don’t think it’s right for you to think he has behaved particularly badly just because he hasn’t done things the way you would have done.

ramarama · 08/06/2021 09:59

I'm really surprised at people's reactions here calling the OP 'intense'.

If the OP was close enough to have their children over for sleepovers, then they were owed a proper goodbye. Even if just for the kids sake?!

4fingerKitKat · 08/06/2021 10:00

*don’t have the headspace

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 08/06/2021 10:03

There’s no indication that they didn’t tell the op they were moving? They just didn’t do a big wave off at the door and last dinner type thing.

I wouldn’t want that either. I’d be a “moving in a week or so be in touch once I get settled” type of person.

I wouldn’t do a big Cheerio and see you off when there’s kids anyway coz that would just be a shitshow on top of packing and organising a move

TheVanguardSix · 08/06/2021 10:16

If the OP was close enough to have their children over for sleepovers, then they were owed a proper goodbye.

You are right! I don't disagree in the least. But the friends, in OP's case, were the kids, less so the parents, obviously. And she's only realising this now, probably. I bet these sleepovers were mostly at OP's. I bet she was the mug who bore the brunt of the sleepovers (self-declared 'mug' here, talking from experience) and that her kids didn't get invited over nearly as much.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 08/06/2021 10:22

The fact that they have chosen to move away so soon probably feels like a bit of a rejection of the life you were generously sharing with them.

This is batshit. People have their own lives, and they are allowed to relocate without it being taken personally.

The OP says herself that the family have had a very difficult time lately - that is likely to be behind the move. They're not bad people for wanting a fresh start elsewhere.

stackemhigh · 08/06/2021 10:23

Very odd as they’re now wanting to spend a weekend with you.

They’ve show themselves in the foot.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/06/2021 10:24

I know what you mean but for me it's usually over things like dishonest behaviour, backstabbing or misaligned values.

I think as you've maintained the friendship through many moves he didn't see the need for an official goodbye iyswim. He was probably just very stressed and busy, tbf I've been known to disappear for short periods in similar circumstances.

Don't end the friendship over it I say.

Wheresthebeach · 08/06/2021 10:27

I'd be upset...a text saying goodbye to a close friend isn't too much to expect. Or a 'Hi We're here ! '.

Just let it cool for a bit. You're probably mixing up emotions - it's hard when friends move. You're happy for them, but sad for you. We've had that - our closest friends moved 3 hours away. Its tough. They were thoughtless, not intentionally hurtful.

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 08/06/2021 10:29

They sound like quite flaky people but the moving issue in and of itself wouldn't throw me at all. I'd be surprised but it seems in keeping with their flittish lifestyle rather than a personal slight. I would definitely let it go. Is it possible you slightly over invest in friendships OP? Then get particularly hurt when something goes wrong?

LoudestCat14 · 08/06/2021 10:33

they decided to relocate again which is a whole other thread

What was your immediate reaction to them telling you they were moving again, OP? Did you voice disapproval, tell them how upset you were about them going, make them feel guilty for wanting to move? I'm basing those questions on your general tone of disappointment in them as friends. Playing devil's advocate a bit more, did you have repeated conversations about it or try to talking them out of it? I'm just wondering whether their 'oversight' in not letting you know they'd moved was a consequence of how you took the news in the first place...

Frogcorset · 08/06/2021 10:33

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

The fact that they have chosen to move away so soon probably feels like a bit of a rejection of the life you were generously sharing with them.

This is batshit. People have their own lives, and they are allowed to relocate without it being taken personally.

The OP says herself that the family have had a very difficult time lately - that is likely to be behind the move. They're not bad people for wanting a fresh start elsewhere.

Agreed, though I think this is a big psychological gulf between people who move around and those who don’t — I’ve always moved countries a lot, and so have a lot of my friends, and our friendships aren’t proximity dependent. But I remember when we lived in a village in England with a very static population — a big percentage of the parents of DS’s primaryschool classmates had gone to the same school and never left the area, and their parents were all local too — that some people did appear to see it as a rejection of them, the village and their lifestyle, when we moved away after eight years, because it didn’t occur to them as a normal thing to do, and they couldn’t conceive of having good friends in another country, or in fact anywhere where you didn’t live very close and see them all the time. The dad of one of DS’s friends is visibly mystified that DS (9) has stayed in touch with his son almost a year and a half on, and that they talk and play games together online.
LoudestCat14 · 08/06/2021 10:37

BigSandyBalls2015 Ugh, that must be so annoying! I would hate friends intruding constantly like that. Don't they ever take the hint?

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 08/06/2021 10:43

It is odd they didn't tell you they were moving when they did.

Perhaps they needed a breather from you all? I don't know.

It's odd and deliberate.

So personally I would take this as a hint that they want a distance between you that's more than geographical.

I wouldn't strop and sulk but just keep things calm, polite and distanced.

It's hurtful, you're right. Now it's your time to take stock. In a year or so, perhaps they'll tell you why they moved without telling you but IME people are rarely truthful about these kinds of behaviours.

billy1966 · 08/06/2021 10:51

@BigSandyBalls2015

Even if we'd said we were busy, they'd often pop their head over the gate (they live near), "Oh I thought you were out, shall we get a takeaway". It's too much!
That would drive me mad.

In fact I would not be able to contain my displeasure.

It wouldn't matter how nice🙄they were.

People who impose on you like that are inherently selfish.
They want to visit and your opinion on it doesn't count.

They are not real friends.
Time to be ruthless!

DavidTheDog · 08/06/2021 11:05

We are all managing two competing needs - the desire to be close due to the fear of abandonment, and the desire for space due to the fear of overwhelm. We all have different tolerances for these and different ways of managing them.

4fingerKitKat · 08/06/2021 11:14

@DavidTheDog

We are all managing two competing needs - the desire to be close due to the fear of abandonment, and the desire for space due to the fear of overwhelm. We all have different tolerances for these and different ways of managing them.
Very wise!
Original poster
catfunk · 08/06/2021 11:24

Thanks for all the sensible replies ! Does sound like I'm a 'giver' - lots to reflect on there. And yes my mum is a bit of a martyr - don't know what this means really but I'll look it up and see if I'm turning into her. Highly possible !

To clarify to the mean or judgemental replies - I'm not mental, intense, don't impose on friends 😂 and I'm certainly not upset that I didn't get to help pack or that they've moved. Happy never to pack/ move a house ever again- I was just offering in case they should need it.

The issue is spending a lot of time together and being very close then them moving literally to the other side of the country without a word. We knew the move was coming up but not for a month or 2. We were very supportive about the move as we're used to them doing it every 2 years even though this was meant to be their 'forever home' when DC Started school here.

They've now asked when we're coming to visit and I don't feel like making a 12 hr round trip and taking time off work to see people Who couldn't even be arsed to send a text saying they'd gone. That's the crux of it. But maybe I do need to get over myself ! As lots have reminded me- moving is stressful and maybe they don't owe us anything.

Thank you all x

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 08/06/2021 11:30

Why don't you have an honest conversation in which you explain why you're hurt and see what they say?

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 08/06/2021 11:30

@DavidTheDog

We are all managing two competing needs - the desire to be close due to the fear of abandonment, and the desire for space due to the fear of overwhelm. We all have different tolerances for these and different ways of managing them.
This is really well put.
DrSbaitso · 08/06/2021 11:31

Oops, to clarify..."why don't you" is not meant in an accusatory way. I mean it as if making a suggestion.

An0n0n0n · 08/06/2021 11:32

They haven't behaved like dicks. At all.

They are entitled to live their lives without informing you of everything the minute it happens. You sre at serious risk of alienating people if you are upset about this sort of thing.