To 'go off' a friend like this ?

[catfunk]

This is the second time this has happened and I feel like somethings wrong with me. When a good friend hurts my feelings I just completely switch off from them and can't make myself want to see them.

Bit of a long story but - Good friend of around 15 years (male) he's moved around a lot with his family over the years, new location every 2 years or so... but we've always remained friends, spent the odd Xmas together, lovely visits, etc. Couple of years ago they moved to my area, it was going to be their forever home, we all spent loads of time together, introduced his wife to my girlfriends, all great. I adore his DC they had sleepovers at mine etc.

They had some very difficult times during the pandemic (which we were there for at drop of a hat supporting them and helping out because we love them) and they decided to relocate again which is a whole other thread but fine- we'd help them pack, support them, we planned to visit their new place etc. Hadn't heard from them in a couple of weeks which was very unusual. I messaged to ask if they needed help packing, when did they complete etc. Reply came - sorry we moved last week. It was all very quick and didn't have time to call you.
I was so hurt. Kept contact minimal and polite since as I just didn't feel like talking to them much you know? I miss them but I feel like our friendship is tainted. I'm not great with confrontation so don't want to just call him let rip.

Same happened about 10 yrs ago when another good friend behaved like a dick and It's like a switch just goes off in my and I think they're an arsehole and don't want to see them anymore. But I also feel like I'm wasting 15 years of friendship here!

@Frogcorset

You’re being unreasonable. They had difficult stuff happen during Covid, and moving is stressful and time-consuming, and your friendship has continued through many previous moves. They were doing you a favour by not getting you to help them pack, surely? And you knew they were leaving and were planning to visit them in their new place, which hasn’t got any further away since they left.

Read it properly, it's not about the helping them to pack, it's that they didn't even say goodbye, they just upped and left!

I would definitely find that odd if a good friend was moving 6 hours away and hadn't arrange for a quick coffee, or even a text before they left

@DavidTheDog

The issue is spending a lot of time together and being very close then them moving literally to the other side of the country without a word.

This is another clue that you have a bit of a borderline process going on.

I thought the same. As someone with this diagnosis.

Its rude of them.Psychology is interesting but the top and bottom is rudeness and a lack of manners.

Psychology is interesting but the top and bottom is rudeness and a lack of manners.

There’s no real etiquette around announcing you’re moving date though. The OP is not unreasonable for feeling how she’s feeling, and they undoubtedly have their own stuff going on too, but neither is right nor wrong, nor rude, in this situation.

They are entitled to live their lives without informing you of everything the minute it happens

I dont think the OP is expecting a text saying what they are having for tea/watching on TV/if they've done a poo that day. I think moving house is a slightly bigger deal with all the organising and work that goes into it. If you are good enough of a friend to have their kids overnight, I think a ten second text saying "we are moving - details to follow!" is the least they could do

I read it properly, @curlyLJ. If you read it properly, you’ll see that the friendship has lasted through fifteen years of the friend moving every couple of years, so the friend presumably doesn’t view this move as massively impacting on the friendship. He may have said goodbye to friends he knew were unlikely to stay in touch, but living near the OP was a new and temporary thing, while the friendship isn’t. At least from his POV.

@JustLyra

I think it’s really weird on their part. It takes two seconds to text someone close and say “Got a date. Manic busy. Will give you a shout when we’re settled”.

To not mention it to someone you’ve seen most weekends says, to me, “You were great when we needed someone to help amuse our kids in the pandemic, but you’re not needed now”.

Which is entirely their right, but I would be hurt and I wouldn’t be rushing to make a 12 hour round trip to visit.

Yes definitely. A simple very quick text

Maybe they were bit sad/felt awkward about leaving so stuck head in sand a bit?

Also your feelings might be displaced - I think you’re sad/hurt that they’ve left you.

They’ve been in touch now so I would say we miss you and yes let’s meet up when works for everyone tho no rush as it is a long way in the car on a hot day

@DavidTheDog, there are norms and rules that govern how we behave in society. A close friend with children who have also formed a bond, moving far away and not saying anything, seems rude to me.

DavidTheDog is right though, there aren’t really any well-defined rules of etiquette around moving house, as this thread clearly shows. Probably because it’s such a very individual and circumstantial experience.

Personally I find it stressful and don’t like to have anyone, bar the person I’m actually moving with, involved.

Maybe because I like to see friends and family when I’m not stressed out and feeling vulnerable / emotional, which I always do when moving, even though I’m also excited about it.

YANBU. To leave without a goodbye to close friends is rather rude.

I’d feel the same as you OP

@TheLeadbetterLife I didn't want to be 'involved' in the moving. Just a quick 'see ya, we're completing soon so probably won't see you for a year or so' would have been nice.

Agree it must have been more stressful /emotional than They let on though and that's likely the reason for the radio silence.

Can't get my head around this strange moving every 2 years family, to be honest.

Me neither @sadperson16. Always seems to be driven by him but wife goes along with it. I've asked her along if she's happy with it etc and she usually says it's fine. But I do worry about her and DC a bit.

@sadperson16

Can't get my head around this strange moving every 2 years family, to be honest.

A childhood friend of mine spent many years away as their base home lay empty.

Every two years with Shell, they had a different posting, all over.

They moved International schools until eventually they begged their parents for the security of boarding school.

Having lived the expatriate life for years before children I think it is massively disruptive to move every couple of years.

My friend describes the horror of always being the "new girl", even in International School which is very geared towards transient families.

She put down roots when her children were pre school and hasn't moved since.

Some children might thrive in that environment, but for those that don't, it's very hard.

She has a great relationship with her lovely parents but they know she found it very hard and has made very different choices.

@catfunk

Me neither *@sadperson16*. Always seems to be driven by him but wife goes along with it. I've asked her along if she's happy with it etc and she usually says it's fine. But I do worry about her and DC a bit.

Is it a career thing, as in the case of my friends father?

If you haven't had contact with someone for two weeks you are somehow embittered and considering ending a friendship your needs as a friend are too great. You need to develop your independence and emotional resilience so that you are not upset by such a tiny break in communication. Most adults aren't attached at the hip. Someone moving house with family definitely doesn't have time for a chat. They need space, it sounds as though you're struggling to respect that.

[quote catfunk]@TheLeadbetterLife I didn't want to be 'involved' in the moving. Just a quick 'see ya, we're completing soon so probably won't see you for a year or so' would have been nice. [/quote]
I know, and it probably seems mad to you, but to me even that would be too much. Not because it's a lot of work to send a text, it's more the fear that it might lead to a long conversation, or questions, or even offers of help that I would feel awkward turning down.

I don't want to be in a position where I have to expend the energy being friendly for fear of inadvertently causing offence. Sometimes friends aren't used to "efficient Leadbetter", who can be distracted and brusque, so I avoid those sorts of interactions when I have a difficult task to undertake. It's all too much headspace.

I'm very much in a zone when I'm moving and I find it difficult to contemplate anything else. I only want to deal with the professionals involved - removers etc - who don't care whether I'm being a good friend!

Maybe your friend is the same?

By the way, I also know a couple who move all the time. They never can seem to settle, and always do it too fast without thinking about what they really want, then end up in yet another place that isn't quite right. I think they're mad. They both instigate the moves, in the sense that they both agree the houses aren't right, but he's the one who seems to do everything too fast when they are house hunting, leading to them picking the wrong thing again. I don't know how or why she puts up with it.

Thank you @leadbetterlife that does make sense and I hadn't thought of it that way

@3scape have you read the updates ? I wasnt sulking because they didn't talk to me for 2 weeks 😂😂😂

@billy1966 not career related although his job does involve a lot of travel. Even more reason I would have thought to settle somewhere if wife and dc are alone for long periods so they have support around them 🤷‍♀️

[quote catfunk]@billy1966 not career related although his job does involve a lot of travel. Even more reason I would have thought to settle somewhere if wife and dc are alone for long periods so they have support around them 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
If he is driving all the moves, given that HE travels so much, it certainly sounds against the best interests of his wife and family.

Do you know him as well as you think?

Because I know from personal experience of my husband travelling, just knowing that you have good friends in an emergency is comforting, especially with young children.