To 'go off' a friend like this ?

[catfunk]

This is the second time this has happened and I feel like somethings wrong with me. When a good friend hurts my feelings I just completely switch off from them and can't make myself want to see them.

Bit of a long story but - Good friend of around 15 years (male) he's moved around a lot with his family over the years, new location every 2 years or so... but we've always remained friends, spent the odd Xmas together, lovely visits, etc. Couple of years ago they moved to my area, it was going to be their forever home, we all spent loads of time together, introduced his wife to my girlfriends, all great. I adore his DC they had sleepovers at mine etc.

They had some very difficult times during the pandemic (which we were there for at drop of a hat supporting them and helping out because we love them) and they decided to relocate again which is a whole other thread but fine- we'd help them pack, support them, we planned to visit their new place etc. Hadn't heard from them in a couple of weeks which was very unusual. I messaged to ask if they needed help packing, when did they complete etc. Reply came - sorry we moved last week. It was all very quick and didn't have time to call you.
I was so hurt. Kept contact minimal and polite since as I just didn't feel like talking to them much you know? I miss them but I feel like our friendship is tainted. I'm not great with confrontation so don't want to just call him let rip.

Same happened about 10 yrs ago when another good friend behaved like a dick and It's like a switch just goes off in my and I think they're an arsehole and don't want to see them anymore. But I also feel like I'm wasting 15 years of friendship here!

That's a very hurtful way to be treated. I would feel very uncomfortable and used if close friends I'd spent a lot of time with just left without a goodbye of some sort.

I know you can sometimes have friends for a season - you think you'll stay in touch, but there isn't enough beyond the shared hobby/location/stage of life to sustain the friendship long term. However, it sounds as though you have been close with these friends for a long time across various locations, so it's not likely to be that. Surely the children will be missing you a lot.

The other side of friendships for a season, is friends that ebb and flow over time, with periods of stronger connections and weaker connections, but who always pick up again.

I feel like there's something missing from the story. Not sure I would cut them out completely quite yet. I'd wait and see what happens, but from a distance.

I was about to say you were BU, but then I read that they moved 6 hours away! So yes, I'd be hurt, not because they didn't take me up on my offers of help, but that they didn't bother saying goodbye before moving that far.

If you're such good friends that you meet every weekend and are like family, it's really weird to think that they weren't bothered enough to say goodbye.

You’re being unreasonable. They had difficult stuff happen during Covid, and moving is stressful and time-consuming, and your friendship has continued through many previous moves. They were doing you a favour by not getting you to help them pack, surely? And you knew they were leaving and were planning to visit them in their new place, which hasn’t got any further away since they left.

maybe they're in witness protection and had to move quickly

I think it’s very weird. And why are they always moving anyway?

You sound like a friend of mine who was a bit intense. She was great but could be a bit controlling. I was going through an extremely rough time and didn't tell her my every movement because I needed space, and bang! End of friendship.

You don't know what's going on in their heads. Friendship includes giving people room to breathe.

@catfunk

I don't think you are as good friends as you thought.

You were there when he/they needed you, and they didn't bother with you when they didn't need you. You are surplus to requirements, and YANBU to cut them off. So WHAT if you 'run out of people' as someone said further back? Who needs flaky unreliable people in your life when it just suits them at that time for you to be there? And you will always make more friends/meet new people. Everyone does.

They're 6 hours away now, I would fuck 'em off to be honest. Just ghost them. They haven't given you a moment's thought. They don't deserve anything more than ghosting. They sound so flaky and unreliable, they probably won't care, and will move onto the next victim to be their new friend, and be there while it suits them.

I understand how you feel. Two of my friends left the country for good and only told me after they had moved. It makes you feel a bit unimportant in their lives if they can't even make a quick call to let you know.

Basically someone you considered to be a best friend didn’t even say goodbye before they moved 6 hours away?

OP he is thoughtless and I don’t blame you for feeling sad (in addition to bereft for losing proximity to your friend),

If you are close friends I’d text him and say you wished they’d had a chance to say goodbye.

But TBH he does sound like a bit of a user.

I know how you feel, and its horrible. A few months ago I messaged a fellow mum from school, to ask if she was okay as I hadn't seen her around for eight weeks weeks. She read it and left it a few days. Then she messaged me saying that she had moved over 200 miles away! I was completely mind blown, because we were quite pally and kept in contact throughout lockdowns. It made me realise that we weren't really friends, if she didn't even tell me that she was moving, and that she had already moved!!! I regret all the time I wasted on her, as it wasn't real.

@catfunk

Thanks for your insight *@Namechangedandoverwhelmed*. I feel like I've never had high expectations, in fact I've usually bent to his wishes and done the running around. Which is why I'm feeling a bit used I guess.

I think this is the crux of it, the friendship sounds very uneven with you doing the bulk of the supporting. Do they ever help you?

I also didn't understand from your first post the issue. But do now. I'd be hurt too. They could have phoned or popped in.

I think they move so much they are used to making friends for the time they are there. But you thought they had really become a big part if your life. Expectations were different.

Do you know why they moved away so far? Maybe one or both of them actually get uncomfortable being so close to people and they were trying to leave the relationship you all had?

There will be other friends who value you and your love and care. Take some time to lock your wounds and start nurturing other friendships.

@Beautiful3 that's so sad. I hate people like that. Why bother to keep in touch with you if it wasn't a genuine friendship. Some people are odd.

The constant relocating sounds a bit weird ( unless work related and no choice). I get why you’re hurt. My only caveat would be, I think the pandemic has been unbelievably tough and stressful for some people ( almost traumatic for some) and a lot of people have behaved out of character. Is it possible you don’t know the full story of what’s going on with them? I live overseas and quite a few friends reluctantly moved back during covid with zero fanfare. One person didn’t even tell the school as she couldn’t bring herself to do it as it meant it was final. All I’m saying is, people sometimes do really odd things and unless it’s consistent I try to give benefit of the doubt.

I would ket this onego...moving house is crazy busy.

Someone I considered to be a close friend who I'd supported throughout her pregnancy didn't tell me when the baby arrived and I only found out when I texted casually a few weeks later (not wanting to hassle!). I must have been left off 'the list' and I was hurt but suddenly realised exactly where I stood and stepped back after that. It's hurtful and YANBU.

If you consider them good friends, then be honest - tell him you were hurt they left without saying goodbye.

You don’t know what was going on with them for those two weeks - they could have been very stressed, upset about leaving, lots of things. Some people naturally reach out and share in those circumstances and some people hunker down and close off.

Maybe they were having a wobble about leaving, and found it easier to cut off from you for a bit as they were upset about moving away from a good friend?

Maybe there’s a good reason, maybe there isn’t, but the grown up thing to do here is be straight with them and give them a chance to apologise or explain and take it from there - either continue or cool the friendship depending how they respond.

Many years ago I lost a good friendship over what turned out to be a misunderstanding (a third party should have passed on a message to me and forgot, I thought the friend had let me down badly) - I was really hurt and didn’t give the other person a chance to explain, went cold on them, they in turn went cold on me and by the time I found out the truth about the original misunderstanding the friendship was beyond salvageable. So I would always give people a chance to explain rather than assume badly of someone.

I don't mean this to sound rude, but the way you write makes you sound a little bit territorial.

I can see why as you've had such good times together and you clearly care about him - but you write in a way that suggests that you didn't think much of their decision to move ("that's another thread but fine, whatever" sort of thing).

You then jumped to help them, probably as a kind friendly gesture, but I've found out the hard way that that sort of thing can come off controlling instead to some people.

I just wonder if some of that came across in that sort of "wrong" way to them too. It might be that his wife also didn't like how close you two were, and there were some small tensions you weren't aware of?

To be clear, I'm not saying you are any of those things, just saying that things can come across in the wrong way to other people who are wrapped up in their own worlds.

I think this is your issue. You have bad boundaries and expect to "win" people's respect and admiration by letting them walk on you, then when they mysteriously fail to respond appropriately to your self-sacrifice, you cut them off. Did you have a martyr mother, by any chance?

Your subtext seems to be "Look what I've suffered for you, and yet you treat me like this?" Except you don't actually say it. It's passive-aggressive.

You need to learn to not do things you don't want to do and talk about it like a grownup when you have an issue.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. Moving house is very stressful and, as a pp said, some people’s response to that is to hunker down and get on with it and not make contact until they’re well on the other side of it. I’m certainly like that.

I find moving house all-consuming and the idea of having to ring round and make nice during that would make me resent anyone who expected it. I am ready for socialising when the dust has settled a few weeks later. I don’t really like goodbye meet ups or anything, because all I’m focussed on is moving and it’s just too much.

I moved abroad a couple of years ago. A pp said they were upset friends of theirs didn’t ring round to tell people before they went - why? What would it have achieved to call everyone and say, “I’m off”? It’s not like they could come and visit - house was in boxes. We had no time for socialising or long phone calls. Everyone who needed to know knew. We got in touch once we were settled to say here’s our new address, feel free to visit and we’ll chat soon.

I can’t see what the problem is with that. It’s not all about you.

It doesn’t sound like they were more like family, they sound like they were friends. They didn’t need help with moving, to be honest I cannot imagine involving friends with my packing or moving either. I think you are being absurd to throw away a friendship over such a non event, but it is up to you of course.

From a perspective of personality adaptations, I’m sensing a bit of a borderline process in you (and would guess that your friend has a stronger schizoid).

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I think this is your issue. You have bad boundaries and expect to "win" people's respect and admiration by letting them walk on you, then when they mysteriously fail to respond appropriately to your self-sacrifice, you cut them off. Did you have a martyr mother, by any chance?

Your subtext seems to be "Look what I've suffered for you, and yet you treat me like this?" Except you don't actually say it. It's passive-aggressive.

You need to learn to not do things you don't want to do and talk about it like a grownup when you have an issue.

Yes, exactly. And that’s a pattern you see an awful lot on here, even if the incident being complained about is not being invited to a wedding, not being chosen as bridesmaid, being left out of a social occasion etc.