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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 'go off' a friend like this ?

175 replies

catfunk · 07/06/2021 22:35

This is the second time this has happened and I feel like somethings wrong with me. When a good friend hurts my feelings I just completely switch off from them and can't make myself want to see them.

Bit of a long story but - Good friend of around 15 years (male) he's moved around a lot with his family over the years, new location every 2 years or so... but we've always remained friends, spent the odd Xmas together, lovely visits, etc. Couple of years ago they moved to my area, it was going to be their forever home, we all spent loads of time together, introduced his wife to my girlfriends, all great. I adore his DC they had sleepovers at mine etc.

They had some very difficult times during the pandemic (which we were there for at drop of a hat supporting them and helping out because we love them) and they decided to relocate again which is a whole other thread but fine- we'd help them pack, support them, we planned to visit their new place etc. Hadn't heard from them in a couple of weeks which was very unusual. I messaged to ask if they needed help packing, when did they complete etc. Reply came - sorry we moved last week. It was all very quick and didn't have time to call you.
I was so hurt. Kept contact minimal and polite since as I just didn't feel like talking to them much you know? I miss them but I feel like our friendship is tainted. I'm not great with confrontation so don't want to just call him let rip.

Same happened about 10 yrs ago when another good friend behaved like a dick and It's like a switch just goes off in my and I think they're an arsehole and don't want to see them anymore. But I also feel like I'm wasting 15 years of friendship here!

OP posts:
SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 08/06/2021 11:32

@catfunk You sound like a lovely person OP. It really sounds like this is a symptom of them being a bit impulsive and flaky rather than a reflection on you. I would probably back of abit emotionally because they're not reliable but maintain the friendship if you enjoy their company.

TheLeadbetterLife · 08/06/2021 11:39

If you expected them to be moving later then clearly something happened to bring it forward - hence a radio silence. It was probably fast moving and stressful and they just wanted to get on with it.

You get used to maintaining long distance friendships when you live a long way from old friends, or move a lot. Big goodbyes don’t seem warranted because they’re not goodbyes - a goodbye sort of implies it’s the end.

ddl1 · 08/06/2021 11:41

They've now asked when we're coming to visit and I don't feel like making a 12 hr round trip and taking time off work to see people Who couldn't even be arsed to send a text saying they'd gone. That's the crux of it. But maybe I do need to get over myself ! As lots have reminded me- moving is stressful and maybe they don't owe us anything.

This at least indicates that they do want to continue the friendship and haven't just forgotten you.

I wonder if one reason why they didn't say a lot to others about the move might have been nothing to do with their level of friendship with people, but because their previous move had gone wrong in some way (I presume, since they moved again so soon) and so they wanted to keep their next move low-key till they were sure they were moving.

I don't think you're obliged to make a 12-hour round trip and take time off work to see them in the near future. (In fact, if people nagged me to do that, and laid a guilt trip on me about it, I'd have it much more against them than for not texting me promptly about a move.) Zoom, e-mail and texting could do for the time being. Plenty of people maintained long-distance friendships by letter-writing, before such technology even existed! And if they're that desperate for a meeting in the near future, they could make the 12-hour round trip. But I wouldn't throw away a long-term friendship out of vindictiveness at an omission at a very stressful time.

TeenTitan007 · 08/06/2021 11:41

YADNBU. Given the high frequency of meetings and involvement in each other's lives, disappearing with no intimation is not on. At the very least they should've texted or just dropped by on their way out to their new place. Just a goodbye was definitely needed or a phone all to say they can't meet and why. Their behaviour is not ok and seem like they don't value/respect friendships.

ddl1 · 08/06/2021 11:43

I meant 'till they were sure the move would be successful' rather than 'till they were sure they were moving''.

Original poster
catfunk · 08/06/2021 11:45

@An0n0n0n

They haven't behaved like dicks. At all.

They are entitled to live their lives without informing you of everything the minute it happens. You sre at serious risk of alienating people if you are upset about this sort of thing.

Please can you clarify where exactly I said I expect friends to inform me of everything the minute it happens ? You've completely made that up to have a go at me 😂
OP posts:
DavidTheDog · 08/06/2021 11:57

The issue is spending a lot of time together and being very close then them moving literally to the other side of the country without a word.

This is another clue that you have a bit of a borderline process going on.

earminted · 08/06/2021 12:01

You sound perfectly normal OP.

A 12hour round trip would be a no from me.

Cushionsnotpillows · 08/06/2021 12:04

"On the surface, it all sounds a bit full-on and exhausting. But it's clear that you're a giver, they're not givers- or at least, not to the extent that you are. That's ok too. It doesn't make your friend a bad guy, but you need to alter your expectations. You deserve to get what you give, OP. But maybe they don't give back as much. It's a lesson in expectations. Slow your roll a bit. Your 'give' is quite full on. And personally, I would feel stressed by the amount of 'give' that you give. I'd feel overwhelmed by a sense of obligation, a sense that I would owe you. I just would, even if you expected nothing, I'd feel like I owe you too much".

Yes this! What LEAPT out at me from the OP is that you are a full on Fixer (Giver heading towards martyr type) and you are feeling rejected as they haven't met your expectations. It's too much for most people hence you feeling like you need to cut people off before, when they've probably done no more than back away from your insistence on closeness.

sadperson16 · 08/06/2021 12:08

@DavidTheDog,that is one of the best things I have ever read.

I think OP,your so called friends, aren't friends.Take a breather,regroup.
Friends do not leave without a word

JanuaryJonez · 08/06/2021 12:13

I agree that you're a Giver OP, but I do think YANBU to be a bit hurt or offended. Many of the harsher comments on here are really missing the point.

Moving is ridiculously stressful, but not giving you a date and only getting in contact once they've moved is strange. I think they probably loved your company but because they're moving six hours away, they've sort of checked out of the (type of) friendship you had.

If they're now asking when you're visiting I would accept but put a date in for a at least a month away to get some perspective. Or was the invite more "You must come and visit" vague invite?

grapewine · 08/06/2021 12:27

I'd tell them they're welcome to come visit when they've settled and a date can be agreed. If they want to see you, let them do the work for a bit. If they don't, you'll know where you stand with them even better.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 08/06/2021 12:53

OP sounds a bit of a head banger to me, though there'd be fuck all chance that I'd do a 12 hr round trip to visit them. Surely they'd have more of an incentive to "visit" the area they'd recently lived in and catch up with all their acquaintances?

billy1966 · 08/06/2021 12:54

@grapewine

I'd tell them they're welcome to come visit when they've settled and a date can be agreed. If they want to see you, let them do the work for a bit. If they don't, you'll know where you stand with them even better.
This.

A 12 hour round trip would not be for everyone regularly.

Original poster
catfunk · 08/06/2021 12:56

@Cushionsnotpillows

"On the surface, it all sounds a bit full-on and exhausting. But it's clear that you're a giver, they're not givers- or at least, not to the extent that you are. That's ok too. It doesn't make your friend a bad guy, but you need to alter your expectations. You deserve to get what you give, OP. But maybe they don't give back as much. It's a lesson in expectations. Slow your roll a bit. Your 'give' is quite full on. And personally, I would feel stressed by the amount of 'give' that you give. I'd feel overwhelmed by a sense of obligation, a sense that I would owe you. I just would, even if you expected nothing, I'd feel like I owe you too much".

Yes this! What LEAPT out at me from the OP is that you are a full on Fixer (Giver heading towards martyr type) and you are feeling rejected as they haven't met your expectations. It's too much for most people hence you feeling like you need to cut people off before, when they've probably done no more than back away from your insistence on closeness.

I don't know where this 'insistence on closeness' has come from. All I would have expected is a text saying they've got a date and are leaving and we probs won't see them for a long time.

They were the ones who always invited us over (their house is more suitable for socialising), instigated days out etc. I was very happy to see them and accepted - but hardly insisting on being close as they've lived all over the place so I'm used to not seeing them 🥴

OP posts:
Original poster
catfunk · 08/06/2021 13:00

@DavidTheDog what's this borderline process please ? Can you post a link or some info?

Do I have some kind of borderline personality disorder because Im hurt when friends disappear without a word?

OP posts:
DavidTheDog · 08/06/2021 13:10

that is one of the best things I have ever read

Thank you everyone who has complimented my theory, it’s come together over time from quite a few books, theories and experiences.

OP I am referring to a process rather than a disorder. (I like to think of a disorder as the harmful expression of a process).

I’ll look up the reference if anyone is interested, but think of it this way. What do you most crave? Love, security or respect?
Love - borderline.
Security - schizoid.
Status - narcissist.

This does not imply criticism or ill-health, just how we learned to adapt as children in order to stay safe. I have a strong borderline process and very weak narcissistic process.

The theory helps me to understand myself, moderate my less helpful behaviour and have self compassion Smile

Nanny0gg · 08/06/2021 13:11

@Nekoness

So basically the problem is they left to the other side of the country without even saying goodbye?

Yeah, that’s completely different than being pissy because they moved a week early and were moving an hour or two away from you.

I can see why you’re so hurt. Spending weekends together but then when they made up their minds to start a new life elsewhere, they were basically flipping you the bird without even looking back as they fucked away.

^This
Winederlust · 08/06/2021 13:13

The lack of contact about the move does sound odd on the face of it, and YANBU to be upset.
However I do think YABU to consider ending the friendship based just on this one incident. As evidenced by the responses on this thread there are a million and one possible reasons for your friend's actions, some reasonable and forgivable and some not so much. The ONLY way you will find out whether the friendship is worth maintaining is to speak to him about it and find out why.

Original poster
catfunk · 08/06/2021 13:20

@DavidTheDog thanks for that. Off the top of my head i would think I'm mainly security but I guess love comes as part of that in My eyes. My parents were loving and I didn't have a difficult childhood or anything.

I'll get over myself and try not to take it personally. He has reached out since and has given some dates to visit so hasn't ditched us. I just found it very weird and rude at the time but there must be a reason behind it.

OP posts:
DavidTheDog · 08/06/2021 13:30

My parents were loving and I didn't have a difficult childhood or anything.

No, a traumatic childhood would lead to a disorder.

3scape · 08/06/2021 13:33

2 weeks? Sorry. You're too needy. They have family, are moving house and you're petulant that they are not in touch with you,? Wow

HSHorror · 08/06/2021 13:40

Yabu in that this is really minor.

But obviously sad you didnt get to say goodbye.

But i would also say ive been blanked by 2 friends previously and in both cases it is them who has generally been quite self involved. When their kids are about what my kids wanted to do never mattered. and i was generally ok with that (possible sen).
So i feel the blanking reflects more about how they only think of them/their family. In one case we drifted apart after meeting at the park with dc for her to then announce that her dc had been sick overnight. My dc had a school trip coming up and also would get very ill after vomiting. We left soon after. And yes dc did end up vomiting within 2 days.
The other friend i have no idea. I think it's that her dc became closer to another family. But i dont think she realises that she is actually cutting out my dc in quite a rude way. Ie never invited to the park/ disappears from the park without a goodbye/will purposely take dc off elsewhere when they were happily playing. I would suspect trying to keep kids apart but im pretty sure it's not, it's more thoughtless. But annoyingly i think would be really upset if it were their dc. I feel that it's not surprising that the dc in both these situations are getting used to not treating other kids that nicely.
Im sure youve done nothing wrong but it's worth considering your general behaviour as well as other people's.

Original poster
catfunk · 08/06/2021 13:53

@3scape

2 weeks? Sorry. You're too needy. They have family, are moving house and you're petulant that they are not in touch with you,? Wow
@3scape eh? Can you elaborate please ?
OP posts:
JustLyra · 08/06/2021 13:57

I think it’s really weird on their part. It takes two seconds to text someone close and say “Got a date. Manic busy. Will give you a shout when we’re settled”.

To not mention it to someone you’ve seen most weekends says, to me, “You were great when we needed someone to help amuse our kids in the pandemic, but you’re not needed now”.

Which is entirely their right, but I would be hurt and I wouldn’t be rushing to make a 12 hour round trip to visit.