The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

Daily? Every morning?

Fuck that. Tell him to go wank, or buy him a blow up doll.

OP I'm so so happy to read your post. I remember you posting originally and it was so disturbing to read how stuck and low you were with it all. I'm in awe of you getting to where you are now!! - You are an inspiration to women out there who remain stuck in awful relationships. There is hope and you are proof of that.

A sad 5 minute shag a day used to seem bearable in comparison to every other weekend etc without the kids

coerced into sex or fear losing the dc eow, what a choice

I felt sick reading your OP. Well done for getting out. It's hard to leave a relationship, but you are an absolute hero. You deserve better and you are heading for better. You will not regret leaving. I hope you are as bloody proud of yourself as you should be!

@Chillionice So happy to read your update. I am in awe. Will have a glass of wine tonight to celebrate your new life, your freedom. I am truly happy for you and I wish you all the best.

What a brilliant update OP.

So pleased that you got away and are living life on your own terms.

You rock

I find it difficult to comprehend how any counsellor with their salt would allow you to be trapped into a verbal contract like that. I would report her to whatever her governing body is. You have been manipulated into accepting that your body exists for his sexual gratification whether or not your heart or mind agrees. You must know deep down that you are more than the sum of your vagina’s availability. Your body is not something made specifically to be a receptacle for your DH’s dick. You absolutely must get him to accept that without your consent, he is raping you - and not allow him to manipulate you into minimising this or guilt-trip you into apologizing for “making him feel bad” about getting off.

Wow OP you have done so well. Taking control as you have in that situation is unbelievably brave. Well done you and thank you so much for the update xx

I just saw that you are liberated from that marriage! I am so relieved!!! I wish you and your kids every happiness in life. I do hope the kids have access to counselors to unravel the shit their father put them through too.

Fantastic!!!

Really pleased with your update OP! Yippee!

Well, he can fuck right off then, the absolute man-child.

Ooops - sorry! Will now read the whole thread ...

Ahhhh, I am SO happy for you, OP. It can take some time to realise that you are worth far, far more, and I am thrilled that you got there!

I've just read this from the beginning and have experienced every known emotion!

OP, you are strong and courageous. Enjoy your new life.

I hope anybody else in similar situations reads this and gets strength from your story.

Very many kudos to you, OP. What a massive and enriching step you've taken to awaken and brighten the rest of your life. So very pleased for you and your children, they will hugely benefit from your bravery and conviction to get rid of this odious man.

I suspect that once the furore has died down and custody arrangements are sorted, he will revert back to his need for daily sex and spend much time and effort trying to secure a partner for that. His need to see his children will take a back seat... win-win for everybody.

Here's to you and your children - and your new life!

OMG I'm so glad I read all your posts before commenting, didn't realise at first it was an older initial post.
SO so happy to hear he was the root of his own undoing and that he literally undid the marriage himself in his rant. Why should you have borne the responsibility for all that?
It's amazing how one finds the strength to do all the next steps like making a new home, financial and legal issues, supporting the kids when before you doubted yourself and had so little energy as it was all focused on, as you say, the simmering resentment of injustice. (Can you tell I've been through something similar?)
So happy for you.

You're amazing, OP. Bloody well done.

I was so sad when I read your thread originally. I genuinely shed a tear for the soul-destroying nature of your marriage then, the situation was crushing.

So pleased for you, OP.

Saluting your bravery Chillionrice! I hope life is immeasurably better away from that horrible 'partner'.

My husband and I have a similar sexual appetite therefore we have sex most days, I would say 5 days a week. I have a very high sex drive but even 7 days a week for me would be relentless. I want sex when we both feel like it and not because it’s a daily habit we have to stick to. I would be considering if the marriage is still something you want, however I do understand it’s hard with kids (I have two and that’s what has stopped me leaving in the past when we’ve experienced other issues)

Sorry just read the update. That will teach me for not reading the most up to date posts. Xx

He's raping you, he's raping you on a daily basis. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I am also so sorry for what you are going through. It may "only be 5 minutes" but I am guessing that those daily 5 minutes taint most of your waking moments, doing it, recalling it, and then knowing you have to go through it all over again the next day. It's really difficult isn't it when you have children and you contemplate how you might cope when/if you try to find a way out of this relationship.

Well done OP. Wish you all the best for your happy future.

I think you can take credit for very likely helping other women escape these awful men.

Another one here who did not read to the end or look at the dates! So pleased for you, well done, such courage and wishing you a good life