The expectation of daily sex.

[Chillionice]

Being 44 yr old mother of 3 (13/11/10) with husband for nearly 15 yrs I would love some advice or reassurance about how to manage the sexual expectation.

My husband & I have may incompatibilities and underwent counselling 5 yrs ago. He has begrudgingly accepted that our sex life is not going to be as colourful or plentiful as he would like. A daily morning session seems to have been settled upon yet I still struggle with this. Eroticism was never a part of our marriage, kissing ended years ago & we are left with this daily session that seems to placate my husband but still fills me with dread and sadness.
I write this at 7.21 on a Monday morning having started the day, the week etc exactly the same way once again. This interaction between us to me confirms the loneliness of our relationship - both sides wanting something so different and kind of compromising on this middle ground. I frequently try to put off a dawn toilet visit incase my husband stirs and feel a lot of resentment that I can seldom start the day relaxed, dozing, contemplating bird song etc. Nor am I excused if I’ve been up with the kids in the night or have a challenging day ahead. It feels relentless, unwaning, an appetite I can never sate.

One of our incompatibilities that counselling could only do so much to resolve was poor communication. My husband is emotionally very distant and easily offended meaning I really have to just accept this situation and be grateful try to think it’s only 5 minutes of the day.
So anyone in the same boat with any advice of how to keep a positive mind for 5 mins daily to hold a marriage together, please let me know how you do it!!! Thanks.

@Marvellousmadness - read the thread! She's left him, and is doing brilliantly.

Such a great update. You were a sex slave. He didn't view you as human. I can't tell you how happy I am to read your update. Good for you OP.

Wow op I am so happy for you. My blood ran cold reading your earlier posts and I am so pleased for you that you are free from that monster subjecting you to daily abuse.

Well done for doing what you needed to do. As hard as it must have been, congratulations on breaking free of your slavery. He sounded absolutely vile. You are amazing and strong and I wish you all the very best for your new future.

So happy for you OP. You were so brave to post in the first place and so many people helped you understand what was happening and shared their stories. It's great to hear you are now away from him.

This is awful! If you don't have any interest in sex with him why do you stay? You could be with someone where you actually want to have sex with them. Think how much happier your life would be?

Wow - well done, OP.

Fantastic news OP.

The following may be helpful to you: www.supportthroughcourt.org/

Or even: www.flows.org.uk/
Coercive control is a recognised form of domestic abuse.

Both the above may help you get the divorce and child arrangements sorted more cheaply.

@Chillionice I just found your thread today. I read your Op and the replies in the beginning, realised it was from last year, then selected ‘see all’ to read all your responses and see if there was an update.

So, happy for you when I read your update. It is so wonderful that posting here last year resulted in you getting the support and feedback that you needed in order to change your situation. Thank you for letting us know.

💐🥂Here’s to a wonderful new beginning.

Wonderful update, courageous woman x

I'm in the opposite position. I want it constantly but dp is a lot less. He worries his sex drive is too low but it's probably normal. If he doesn't want sex... we don't have it. I wouldn't want him to do anything he didn't enjoy or want to do. Neither should your husband. What he's doing is wrong

That is really frightening, but totally believable. I know some women within religious groups who see it as "God's Will" that they suffer.

I remember your first post so well and the reluctant acceptance that this was somehow normal and reasonable behaviour. Delighted that you have moved on. Such as strong, brave woman 💐

Glad that things have improved for you OP.

I was horrified to read your original post when this popped up in Active. I want you to know that a total stranger, many thousands of miles away, is absolutely thrilled for you. Wishing you a peaceful life away from this man, and wishing you and your children much happiness. I'm thrilled you got away x

I hope you listen to the birds each morning and I'm wishing you lots of everything for the future.

good for you! Big love x

congratulations!!

I was so upset for you reading your first posts and over the moon to read your update.

I am so pleased to read this. I completely understood what you said before about exchanging one sadness for another but really I do not think I could have tolerated the demands and behaviours you wrote about. You can sacrifice your whole life for your children but what does does that teach them about self worth. At some point the balance tips and it is no longer possible to stay. You and your feelings do matter. I hope you have some peace, I feel certain you do.

I completely disagree. I dated a guy for years & the routine that he convinced me to get into was first I had to give him oral, then PIV, and he would finish anally. It was eventually not even a discussion, I just rolled over on me tummy and he'd do his thing in me backside. This was several times per week.

Hurrah! Well done OP.

Ive never had daily sex with any boyfriend.

That is a lot of sex. .

You know you don't have to have sex when he feels like it. That it's ok to say no. He is not entitled to you.

You have to help yourself out of this situation. Practice saying no.

@Chillionice

I read your earlier posts with rising horror at the abusive and entitled behaviour of your husband, so I was very glad to read

Yes, I am fine and so are my kids. I am rediscovering and redeveloping my resolve & esteem which have been absent or trampled on for many years now.

I wish you and your children all the kindness and strength to get through the next stages in your lives, away from the nastiness which was unleashed on all of you when you made your break to freedom. 🌹

Well done, and what great DC you have raised. 💐

So he decided to have a wank in the bed right next to you, and was doing it so vigorously that the bed was rocking?!

That's very intentional. He's punishing you for daring to suggest that you don't want sex every single day. He wanted to wake you up and upset you. It's gross and it's bullying.

Any normal person would go and do that in private. I'm fully aware that my husband will wank in the shower or when I'm not home, if we haven't had much sex lately. He wouldn't start doing it right next to me in the middle of the night. That isn't normal at all.

Stop having sex with him. Go and speak to a divorce lawyer. Don't tell us that this bully must be placated by raping and abusing you, all for the good of your children - that's bullshit and, deep down, you know it is.