Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

If a solution doesn’t work it doesn’t work. That includes it being too expensive.
You can tell her ‘I’ve tried to sort it out but it’s just not working. Sorry.’

I wouldn't have been able to leave my 9 month old for 2 days. I wouldn't want to leave my 11 month old for one overnight to be honest. I also breastfeed and he'd miss me. I'd probably say as much if it were me and say I couldn't attend in the circumstances. She may be too self-involved to understand but only you know where your priorities lie.

Bin it too hard.

Surely a breastfed babe in arms baby is exempt from the “no children” rule?

Option 3.

I’ve been you, it’s too ridiculous, or expensive to do the first ones and she’s not going out of her way to make your life easier.

Option 3. Don’t go.

In her defence I imagine she’s child free and therefore thinks this’ll be easier than it actually is to sort out.

I say don’t go.

The standard advice in this situation would be your husband or someone you trust situated very close by with the child so you can pop out for feeds. Close by as in upstairs at the hotel or at the home where the wedding is being hosted. If your friend can’t understand that is a necessity, I would bow out.

Option 3.
It doesn’t work for you and the risk of mastitis is not worth the Hassle in my opinion

Tell her it's just not possible to leave your baby for 2 nights due to breastfeeding. Terribly sorry, you will have to pull out of moh duties.

I think you have to be honest and say you’ll really struggle with this especially as it’s over 2 days. I had a child free wedding myself (before having children) but it was a 1 day thing and the only people with very young children lived locally, no-one there was still breastfeeding either and we did it as we had a very small intimate wedding. We didn’t invite any children though..I think it’s a bit unfair to say family kids can come as looks like you don’t like your friends kids of something / seems more personal!

I think it’s unreasonable of your friend as yes it’s her wedding but you have to consider your guests as well, especially maid of honour. Does she have kids herself? She might not ‘get it’ with breastfeeding etc if she’s never had kids but I still think it’s unfair.

It sounds a bit of a faff. So your baby would be one by the wedding? If it were me I’d go and take a pump in case of engorgment - it’s clearly a very good friend if you are MoH, but that’s me - each to their own.

Option 3, you don't have to tie yourself in knots for someone's wedding. It doesn't work for you.

I think I'd go for telling her it will have to be option 3, unless she can suggest a better solution. Maybe she'll come to her senses.

Oh god, stop stressing - just don’t go. There is no other answer.

Weirdly, your baby takes priority over her huge garden wedding do.

Just explain clearly and simply why you can’t go and feel no guilt, whatever her reaction.

I sympathise and would also tell her that regrettably you can't attend the wedding if she won't allow you to bring your baby with you.
I have been asked to be MoH for my friend's wedding next year and she's stressing me out with the dresses me and the other bridesmaids should wear. I tried to tell her politely that I have body image issues and would feel very uncomfortable with what she wants me to wear but it's falling on deaf ears. She also doesn't want children at the wedding.

Just be honest and say ‘I know you’ve said you’re sure I’ll sort something, but it’s not that easy. Either I bring the baby or I can’t come - I’ll understand either way’.

If you’re close enough to be maid of honour, you’re close enough to say upfront that there is no magic solution. You might need to be prepared for her to say ‘In that case don’t come’ - and that’s her right. But it’s also your right to recognise that it’s impractical for you to leave your baby, and to tell her so.

Your friends should consider your need to feed the baby. Its not unreasonable of difficult to understand that a breast fed baby needs to be near mum. I would explain to her firmly but nicely. You are breast feeding and pumping doesnt work for you so u will need to bring the baby or not go. And then leave the ball in her court (different if u wanted to bring all 3 children but I dont understand what she expects you to do).

Option 3. When you make it that difficult for someone to attend your wedding, it's only to be expected that they will drop out.

Outrageous that she can't include her bridesmaid's baby as a 'family child'! Wtf?
Also, mastitis is a horror.

I would sadly decline I think. Don't feel like shit - she could have helped you resolve this. If there weren't already children there I'd understand, but she's being deliberately awkward - why?!

I have a 10 month old who is breastfed (not my choice to continue past 6 months but he point blank refuses a bottle still...). I wouldn't feel comfortable about leaving him for 2 days. That said, when I got married I had a child free wedding quite a few hours away and invited a friend who had a 6 month old at the time, with the same attitude as your friend (ie she'll just get her mum to babysit). As I hadn't got kids myself at the time I was really naive (she did attend actually, and didn't say a word... and I've spoken to her about it since, now that I understand how tough it must have been for her!). If your friend hasn't got children it's likely that she just simply doesn't get it. Maybe what's needed is a proper, honest sit down conversation where you explain the issues? I wouldn't have known about mastitis etc before having children myself!

What are her reasons for not allowing the baby at her parents house for the wedding? Does it just come down to the ‘no kids’ rule? Most people understand that if circumstances change eg someone has a baby that things have to be reconsidered and that people can’t/don’t just ditch their v young BF babies.
Yes you agreed to be MOH but you didn’t know the complicated set of circs, Christ I hope if I ever get married I don’t turn into this level of thoughtless twat. Have you explained about the mastitis etc? Also I wouldn’t have felt comfortable leaving my baby overnight at that age and I don’t think people should expect you to. Also I would want to look after my bridal party, I really don’t like the idea of it being THE BRIDE’S DAY and everyone having to worship them and cater to their every whim.

If it's too difficult you just can't go!
She's actually made it very easy for you.

Easy. Option 3.

If it's not going to work for you, which it doesn't sound like it is, decline.

It's all very well and good a bride & groom doing exactly what they want for their special day, but it doesn't over rule what you want to do with your day.

Leaving your kids behind for 2 days, especially a baby is a v big ask. Just because it's now seen as normal to have child free weddings, doesn't mean it is unreasonable to say no, it doesn't work for you and you won't be going.

Don't go.

Just to add, your friend probably doesn't get that a one-year old may need or be used to being breastfed several times a day. I find a lot of women don't get it unless they've breastfed until toddler years. If she's a good friend she should understand if you explain it to her. If she remains stubborn, just tell her you can't be MoH.