Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

She has no interest in helping your situation so I wouldn’t be spending any extra money trying to work round it either. I wouldn’t leave mine for two nights at that age breastfeeding.

I think you have to not go. Having a one year old at the wedding is probably not what the bride wants - a babe in arms is different from a one year old. If you are still breastfeeding then you just can't go

Don't feel bad about missing it if it's too hard. My bf baby was not eating much solids at that age still and didn't take a bottle. There was no way I could of done this type of wedding without having the baby near by for feeds every four hours. I do agree with no kids at weddings if people want. But I would personally make an exception for bf bab if it was still very much attached to the mother and was miles and miles away. It's a bit cruel tbh.

I really don't understand why people say "no kids" to weddings. Where are they expecting the kids to go? Your 'friend' isn't making this easy, I would tell her now you can't go.

I wouldn't be unhappy with the friend in this situation, but I wouldn't go. I wouldn't like being away from my toddler and also have a very young breastfed baby. It's their decision I suppose, but I know my toddler would want to dance and play with other kids and I'd like either my partner or I to have the baby, so it wouldn't work.

@Duchess379

I really don't understand why people say "no kids" to weddings. Where are they expecting the kids to go? Your 'friend' isn't making this easy, I would tell her now you can't go.

Because if you know loads of people with kids, you end up paying out a small fortune to include them, as well as losing out on space, even though you’re really not that fussed about them being there. ‘No kids’ is a much easier rule than debating about whose kids you will or won’t invite.

Of course, if you make that rule, you have to accept that some people will decline the invite. Just as if you choose to get married miles from anywhere, which enforces a hotel stay. It’s not the rule that’s the problem - it’s the guests who think they’re above sticking to it, and the brides/grooms who get annoyed if people politely decline because of it.

I'd tell her quite plainly (I assume you are very good friends to be the MoH) that it's not possible to leave your baby for 2 nights so the only options are bring the baby or to not come at all. I'd not be going to any exhausting, ridiculous and expensive lengths to attend anyones wedding - even my own!

Don't go. I've not left my toddler yet for one night and he's 2 and a half! He'd have been ok not seeing me overnight for a night at that age, but really upset if I then wasn't around to see him and comfort feed for another day and night.

Tell he your predicament and make it clear that you haven't figured anything out! I'm sure it would be easier for her to figure something out than it would for you.....

@Duchess379

I really don't understand why people say "no kids" to weddings. Where are they expecting the kids to go? Your 'friend' isn't making this easy, I would tell her now you can't go.

I think the same, totally respect people's decisions, but my oldest (who is still very young), would love it and at least one of us would of course sit at the back to take any potentially noisy/crying kids out asap. I wouldn't go in OP's position, but would expect the friend to be understanding as to why.

Also, if family kids can come she clearly has some leeway. You are playing a more important part in the wedding than most of her family would be. I'd be quite insulted if she won't budge to be honest. My feeling is that she will see sense.....

Neither of you are being unreasonable here. I would explain to her again that you have tried but that you don't have an acceptable solution, so you'll regretfully need to pull out of the wedding. I think it would be wrong to put pressure on her to make an exception just for you. You need to respect her choices, just as she needs to accept your situation and your choice, if you don't go.

I don't get it- you must be close for her to ask you to be her chief bridesmaid. Surely you should be able to explain the issue to her the way you have set it out here?

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

It is just unfortunate that the decisions both of you have made are incompatible with the decisions the other one has made, in terms of you being able to be her MoH.
It happens.
You just say "I can't make this work, so unfortunately am not going to be able to be there, but I hope everything all goes well and I can't wait to see all the photos afterwards"

I stepped down from being my friend's bridesmaid donkey's years ago as I found I was going to be heavily pregnant at the time of her wedding. It was a shame, but it was just the way life goes sometimes. Didn't effect our friendship.

I'd not go.

Option 3- don’t go

* Option 3. When you make it that difficult for someone to attend your wedding, it's only to be expected that they will drop out.*

^This

Generally I think don’t go, with the baby can’t be within 45 min rule. But, you say kit day? Are you going back to work? Is your friend going to see a month after your wedding that you are leaving baby a few days a week and think well she obviously worked something out, she just couldn’t be bothered to do it for me. I’d feel a very low priority as your friend in this scenario.

Don't go. It's so much hassle and she isn't prepared to do anything to help you. Why would you put your baby through 2 days without you when it isn't necessary and you don't want to?

DH and I had a mostly child free wedding. We needed to keep numbers down and if all children were invited they would have accounted for almost 2/3 of attendees.

We asked in our invite that if people could make alternative arrangements for their children and were comfortable doing so we hoped they might come without them so that we could invite all of our close friends and family. For various reasons some people had to bring their DC and that was fine, I'd have never of expected someone in the OP's position to leave their baby. Most people came without children.

This approach worked for us but it meant we had to send invites in three batches, as we needed to know how many children were coming before we could invite a full compliment of adults .

@BackforGood

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

It is just unfortunate that the decisions both of you have made are incompatible with the decisions the other one has made, in terms of you being able to be her MoH.
It happens.
You just say "I can't make this work, so unfortunately am not going to be able to be there, but I hope everything all goes well and I can't wait to see all the photos afterwards"

I stepped down from being my friend's bridesmaid donkey's years ago as I found I was going to be heavily pregnant at the time of her wedding. It was a shame, but it was just the way life goes sometimes. Didn't effect our friendship.

The most sensible post on the thread.

If it’s not a complete ban on children as family children are going I think that should also include members of the wedding party’s children also.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my young child for 2 nights. I would pull out.

I'd write her an email and give a very matter of fact run down of your situation, especially having mastitis 3 times and the pain it has caused you.

I'd ask if she can include your baby in the family children rule so that you don't risk mastitis again. Then leave it in her court.

If she comes back and says your baby can come now, great. She gets it.

If she comes back and still says it is your problem to solve, then I'd tell her you're sorry but you won't be able to come - and consider whether the friendship is all it's cracked up to be.

I'd say don't go your friend is being awful, guessing she's never breastfed

If people want child free weddings then they have to understand some parents may choose to decline

My kids are 6 and 2 I've declined 4 invites during that time

We are a family, not a couple so if my kids aren't coming then neither am I!

Another vote for number 3.

Personally I wouldn't blame the mastitis specifically, I'd just say you'll still be breastfeeding so there's no way you can be away from your baby for a full day and night, let alone two nights. Quite aside from anything else, how's your baby going to take their milk when you're away? Not all babies switch between breast and bottle easily. If you get them to take a bottle, will they be happy to switch back to breast (because not all do)? I honestly don't think it's worth disrupting your baby's feeding when your friend doesn't seem that bothered.

As someone else said, she's allowed family members to bring their children so really it's not actually a child-free wedding. I get that she wants to restrict numbers but if you're the only person in the bridal party with an extra child/baby she really could extend the rule to include you. I'd be more sympathetic to her if she had no children at the wedding whatsoever but that's not the case.

She's made her decision which she's entitled to do. Don't feel bad about putting your baby first.

I definitely couldn't leave my baby and go - my baby is breastfeeding and very attached to me, and at 1 year old they are still so little.