Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

@Blackcat333

I'd ghost and block now and just save YOUR money and spend it haven't a nice little holiday with your family. I really wouldn't look back or care.

Me too, what's the point of shelling out loads of money to go to a wedding of people you aren't planning on being friends with afterwards

If you feel let down by them to the point you are going to reduce contact with them after the wedding, why spend even more money on fitting yourself into their schedule?
Just don't go. It's their problem/fault if their bridal/groom party is short

Mastitis is really bad and can be dangerous!
No way I would have left either of my children for two whole days when they were breastfeeding.

Cost wise I can get

I have family only children coming

Or will be more kids then friends as obv a limit to who can come so ace wise

Tho as you are bm and dh best man you would have thoight being part of bridal party so leeway

Great you have found a solution

But

Why are you spending all this money if not going to keep friendship

Good thing as granny coming , you can feed day of wedding and then again not till evening , so not lots of back and forth - unlike if a new bubs

as If you will be doing that at work anyway

When is wedding

Don't go.

Op fair play, you're a better person than me!

Bride has given you a crap excuse and expected you to just roll over to accommodate her and what a good friend you are doing that.

I too would seriously be questioning the future with this couple who think you're good enough to have major roles in their wedding but who's baby isn't important at all, well done for separating this. I couldn't and anything against my dc is an instant game changer and I'll immediately drop that person like a hot potato!

Bride sounds like a spoiled brat.

The "if I allow one baby I have to allow them all" excuse is crap. There are weddings where the only children are nursing infants, or in the bridal party, or the children of close relatives. There's no "all children or none" etiquette rule.

Of course, she's under no obligation to make such exceptions, but she shouldn't pretend she can't.

I’m just irritated by the whole thing and don’t want to have any more discussion about it
DH and I don’t want to let the couple down and will fulfil our duties on the day, but it’s likely that we’ll be cooling the friendship somewhat for a period of time at least after the wedding.

I think there's still time to change your mind and Only go to wedding if you really want to go, instead of accepting B&G have made this a logistical nightmare for you, her MOH!

Meh, I think you're free to leave the wedding after main thing whenever you want, just step out. No point in making a fuss, you've a baby to get back to.

If you & DH are both starting to dread this wedding & haven't yet paid for non refundable hotels etc, then you can still say to B&G

"On reflection, sorry but we have to decline your kind invitation. we've looked into it and realise it's too expensive/ not practical for me to be MOH or attend with the wedding arrangements you have.
I'd have to take a 2 hour break in the middle of the day just to travel back to hotel to feed my baby unless you want leaky boobs through my MOH dress.
I have a baby, I can't do a childfree long wedding day in the middle of deepest rural village and a 3 day stay. We've tried to bend over backwards to make it work , it doesn't "

2 nights of two hotel rooms for you and PIL ... Surely that's £500 there alone before you pay for all meals out for parents too, this taxing to and fro middle of nowhere just to feed your baby you're not allowed to pretend exists, MOH dress, shoes , travel and wedding present etc.. then of course the hen weekend...

I would never have treated any of my bridesmaids like this. Because they are my closest friends.

A baby won't increase catering costs!

@SarBear2021
I agree with others….it seems crazy you are going to go to the wedding when you fee how you do, especially as you are going to drop the friendship after. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, no offence.

I understand weddings are expensive and dropping kids is one way to save money but there are consequences unfortunately. I really would go back to the couple and say you are pulling out. There is no point in spending lots of money if you plan to drop the friendship after.

Fair play on your decision OP, I understand why you still want to go to fulfil your obligations even if you don't see this friendship going for the longer term. Sorry your friend can't be more accommodating. I don't understand why people don't understand that leaving a couple of older children is entirely different from leaving young breastfed babies who may never have spent any time away from their primary carers.

And just to answer the question which I’ve apparently left unanswered about returning to work; when I returned to work I’ll be able to feed the baby before I leave and when I get back so a maximum of 10 hours between feeds, which is a bit different to being away for 3 days and 2 night. Apologies for not clearing that up sooner, but I thought the time difference was relatively obvious.

This was my situation with both of mine. With DS2 I returned to work when he was 11 months, I used to feed him in the morning, after work and then once overnight. He coped fine with that because he was eating well by that point and knew that mummy milk was from me only. I couldn't have left him overnight at that age though. I didn't get on with pumping either and to top it off my babies wouldn't drink any pumped milk that I did manage to express, I think I had high lipase (they'd drink formula from bottles fine).

It's really not as easy as people think to "just leave" some breastfed babies for that length of time, and you're wise to consider the risk of mastitis too.

Weird update on both sides. A nine-month-old doesn't add to catering costs (and bride could easily introduce a 'no children over 1' rule) and you're going to go despite being pissed off and planning to withdraw from the couple, which is going to create a lovely atmosphere...

Lol, I wrote my post early this morning and realised it sounded a bit unsympathetic to bride who wants the wedding how she envisages it and I came across a bit harsh.

OP, I just can't help but see it may be incompatible with what you can actually do , even with the practical plans you have tried to make, and how uncomfortable it might be for you (with boobs that start filling up).

Are you sure you fully understand bride's expectations of you -as her MOH/ bridesmaid - for the day?

In my experience part of the fun of wedding is also getting ready with bridesmaids in the morning which starts early and then wedding goes on into late evening. That's not a 9-5pm, it could be bride expects you to "arrive at hers at 8am to get ready together and be around until 10-11pm " I.e 27+ hours (not including travelling time of hotel to venues and back) .

So you would have to return to baby at the hotel early afternoon on wedding day to feed which will be stressful - as either baby goes in PILs car to bring him/ her to you at venue so that you can strip off bridesmaid dress (which won't be breast feeding friendly) to feed your baby in their car since baby isn't allowed in bride's parents house.
Or you disappear off for 2+ hours to go back to feed baby at the hotel.

The bride will probably want you for most of photos and for you to stay around for her - it could become awkward & stress her too- that you will disappear off for a chunk of her wedding day .

Weddings are usually full on from once everyone starts getting ready, the wedding cars arrive, the ceremony starts, until after photos at church, photos at venue, post service drinks at venue and wedding line, wedding meal, speeches, cake cutting evening do starting... B&G'a first dance...

It'd be different if wedding was at the hotel baby was staying in or extremely near, but I think you said nearest hotel to venues is a 90 minute (in total there & back?) drive away?

That's why I see trouble ahead...

Lol ie 15+ hours not 27! My maths...

I would suggest you ask your friend whether there is a spare room in her parents house so you can arrange for a close friend to look after your baby in there. If she is not able to accommodate then maybe just let her know you won't be able to attend.

Really don't go.
If you are going to cool this relationship do it now. Both for you and for the bride and groom who will have pretty much ex friends on their wedding photos etc.
It's their choice at the end of the day.

Yeah, I really don't get why bridesmaid's bf 11 month year old baby can't be included if some of other wedding party family DC's are coming.

Bridesmaids have to attend the whole day and it's a huge time commitment for a bf mum. Fine if they can express but OP can't. Baby can be taken for a walk during ceremony by DH so no disturbing the service. Baby won't add to costs of catering, just some potential noise and a buggy.

But it is bride's choice. I just think it's an impractical demand by B&G - given the inaccessibility of their venue, on a bf mum they care about so deeply she's chosen as MOH but whose baby they don't want to welcome or make it possible for mum to bf him/her.

@GrimDamnFanjo

Really don't go. If you are going to cool this relationship do it now. Both for you and for the bride and groom who will have pretty much ex friends on their wedding photos etc. It's their choice at the end of the day.

This.

You can be as pissed off as you want and are within your right to cool the friendship. But fwiw I think you're taking this far too personally. You're rant about them only thinking about their costs and not costs to the guests, we'll everyone ultimately considers their costs first. And then you're second one about picking guests vs menu first just reeks of bitter judgement.

The wedding is three months away. Politely decline now citing that you're very sorry you can't make it work with your toddler (not baby, an active babbling 1 year old is very different from a tiny baby who will sleep through the majority), you want to let her know now so she has notice to fill you position and you hope she has a nice day. Then you can cool the friendship if you so with. But it's ultimately their day, don't ruin it and the memories by being sulky and then being in all the photos only to cut them off after and ruin their nice memories.

@Notwavingbutdrowing3

Yeah, I really don't get why bridesmaid's bf 11 month year old baby can't be included if some of other wedding party family DC's are coming.

Bridesmaids have to attend the whole day and it's a huge time commitment for a bf mum. Fine if they can express but OP can't. Baby can be taken for a walk during ceremony by DH so no disturbing the service. Baby won't add to costs of catering, just some potential noise and a buggy.

But it is bride's choice. I just think it's an impractical demand by B&G - given the inaccessibility of their venue, on a bf mum they care about so deeply she's chosen as MOH but whose baby they don't want to welcome or make it possible for mum to bf him/her.

The dh is best man /groom so won’t be able to take almost 1yr for a walk in Ceremony

@boredbuttercup all this. Plus some people don’t like children at their weddings. Maybe they aren’t being direct enough and stating costs are an issue. Maybe they just don’t want the noise and mess of small children at their wedding. Their day = their way

(I breastfed mine till 18 months.)

I would go and take a pump.

At 9+ months baby is on food as well as breast milk do you won't be producing as much as before so a few pumps should be enough.

It's too much like hard work, if it were me l wouldn't go.

The OP has said that she’s never been able to pump. I’ve never breast fed a baby, but quite a few posters have said that a lot of women are not able to pump.

Also, the OP is mostly worried about developing mastitis, pumping before she leaves won’t do anything to stop that happening.

I mean it's her wedding and all that but it's a bit mean to not help out her MoH who presumably is a very close friend

I can't wrap my head around why you are bending over backwards to accommodate her especially when you are going to back away.

Just say NO fuck off in MN style 'this doesn't work for us!'