Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

I would not be able to attend under those circumstances. There's no way I could leave my breastfed babies for 2 days. Even one day would have been an issue. 9 months is still so young and it could cause problems for the breastfeeding relationship/mess with your supply and as you say, cause you to get mastitis.

I would send my friend a warm but clear email or text stating how much you want to be there and respect her choices but that under the circumstances it sadly makes it impossible for you to attend. She then can choose which is more important to her - having you present or having a totally child free wedding. She is of course free to choose that if she wants, but she cannot force you to leave a dependent child without their biggest source of comfort and nourishment.

Pull out and don't go 🌸

@queennotififi

I'd write her an email and give a very matter of fact run down of your situation, especially having mastitis 3 times and the pain it has caused you.

I'd ask if she can include your baby in the family children rule so that you don't risk mastitis again. Then leave it in her court.

If she comes back and says your baby can come now, great. She gets it.

If she comes back and still says it is your problem to solve, then I'd tell her you're sorry but you won't be able to come - and consider whether the friendship is all it's cracked up to be.

I'd do this. Plus explain mastitis, how painful etc. People who haven't had it may well not understand how debilitating it can be.

I think PP have been too quick to jump to option three. Give your friend/friendship every chance to work this out before going there.

I think you have to drop out. I wouldn't personally see it as a sign she doesn't care, because it is such a hassle justifying why some people are allowed and others not.

If the hotel was 30 mins away I'd say have someone travel up with you.

Anyone who insists breastfed babies are included in the "no kids rule" is no friend. She may be ignorant about breastfed babies and engorged breasts etc so have a chat and educate her. If it's still a no then bow out with absolutely NO guilt. Seriously if she'd have you in pain and your baby in distress for her wedding in her parents garden then she's not worth it at all!

Your baby needs you more than she does. If have another shot at explaining the circumstances and what mastitis is before cancelling on her though.

Option 3.

Sorry you have been put in this difficult situation. Don't leave your baby.

Could you go with a different option- step down as MOH, get a rental further away, bring dh and dc (maybe drop older ones with relative if possible) they drop you at the church/ house and then pick you up when you/ baby have had enough. It might just take the pressure off you and puts the ball back in her court. Was dh invited? If she did let the baby come who would be looking after it during the service, reception? I don't think that you are obliged to find a solution but you might want an alternative.

I wouldn’t go.

If you really want to go, I would leave the baby and hire a double breast pump. A decent pump makes a whale of a difference and baby’s intake does reduce from about a year old. I went to a 2 night hen do when dd was circa 12/13 months. The bride to be also had a baby a couple of months younger. We both pumped and dumped.

I’d probably take the pump and slip away as often as possible for little-and-often pumping (I have a history of mastitis too, I understand the huge fear). But that’s just me, and if it doesn’t work for you it doesn’t work! Your friend is being hugely inflexible and it’d really make me question the friendship, tbh

A don’t go from me too, even without the feeding issue, 2 nights away from your family is a big ask. It’s too
Far and too Complicated, end of.

Id do option 3. Just explain that you need to breastfeed your baby.

Option 3 for me too. Your baby has to be fed and if pumping is not an option what else can you do?
As an aside I’ve never understood child free weddings. At any wedding I’ve ever been to, if there’s any trouble it’s caused by adults. Arguing, getting drunk, wearing weird clothing, once the groom got caught snogging the best man!
Just say no.

If the bride can't accommodate your baby then you can't go. Tell her you've tried to work it out but can't, so either she accommodates baby or you can't go to the wedding. I don't see any other answer

The bride has visions of a just-walking one year old being breast fed on demand when she has decided that she doesn't want the day to be about babies or random children and she wants the MOH to be focused on her. All valid points IMO. I think you need to respect her wishes and either go without or stand down and, as leaving your baby at home isn't viable, I'd contact her ASAP and say that you've tried everything but it's not going to work and that you don't want to spoil her day by either being absent for long periods or by not doing your job properly because you're poorly with mastitis. She doesn't want to hear about any effect on you or your baby so make it all about her and it'll be fine. Tell her you can have a big celebration with her later in the year closer to home. Baby comes first to its parent but not to a stressed-out bride I'm afraid.

I think explain to her that you can't make it work if your baby isn't included. I now have an ebf 6 month old, but before I did I genuinely wouldn't have understood how hard it can be to leave a baby - for practical reasons, not just some desire to stay with the baby.

Im a fan of no children weddings, but it has to be practical for everyone. I hate this ridiculous behaviour from brides, I dont know its acceptable. Last year I got a wedding invite stating a list of unacceptable colours of guests clothes because the bride doesnt like them. Urgh. I declined that invite because im not buying clothes to suit someone elses taste. Anyway, rant over - I wouldnt go.

You can't really be chief bridesmaid cattying a baby, and as there is no sign of DH/DP being invited, then it requires the presence of another adult willing to care for an unrelated baby for much of the day.

You either rely on pump or can the whole idea. Was your mastitis previously when your babies were this age?

I had to do this with baby at 6 months.
I took a pump and it was fine.
Though you'll need to start pumping now to get a stock up in your freezer. I allowed for 30-35 oz a day and started pumping months in advance. When I returned there was about 3oz left so it was well judged amount-wise. A year will obviously need more.

If it was me...
Listen Jane I am tying myself in knots trying to sort out how to leave the baby and avoid getting mastitis. I totally understand that you don't want babies at the wedding so I think I have to drop out.
Our friendship is very important to me and I hate letting anyone down. But obviously my kids and my own health come first.

Depends on how much you value the friendship (I do think she should make allowances for you, for what it’s worth, so maybe you want to rethink it anyway). What about stepping down from MOH duties then attending the ceremony, but not the reception. And have someone nearby with the baby, either to then stay over or drive home.

I think its option 3. There may be some fallout but so be it.

Option 4..... Hire a camper/mobile home parked nearby. Very close if you want to make a point, discreetly if you want to be subtle.

Is your partner invited? Friend/partner to stay with your baby.

Save on hotel bills.

When dd was getting married her MOH had a young dc, dd's only request was that the dc's df took charge of dc during ceremony and photographs etc so MOH could be fully engaged with the important bits of the wedding.
Your df is being very unrealistic.

bf that should say not df