Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

Having had Mastitis I wouldn't go. You don t have to.

I would feel horribly guilty I admit but I just don't see how it can work.

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

Anyone who insists breastfed babies are included in the "no kids rule" is no friend. She may be ignorant about breastfed babies and engorged breasts etc so have a chat and educate her. If it's still a no then bow out with absolutely NO guilt. Seriously if she'd have you in pain and your baby in distress for her wedding in her parents garden then she's not worth it at all!

I get what you’re saying Sweetpea, but that as a general rule doesn’t always work. The op has said she normally bf’s until her children are around 3 years old. Her baby will be a year old by the time of the wedding and maybe walking, so not a “babe in arms.”

It makes it a lot harder, as if a bride makes an exception to allow those being bf to come, younger babies may then be excluded, whilst toddlers could come!

@eattolive While that's true since OP is the MOH I don't think it matters. It's fine to include the bridal party in the family exception with regards to children attending.

If it’s a hassle, don’t go. If she really wanted you there, she’d have included your baby in the ‘family children’ rule.

Thank you for all the lovely supportive comments. I wrote this thread thinking that perhaps I was being unreasonable and a bit “precious third born”! I feel much better after reading all your replies.

To answer a few questions

DH is invited to the wedding and would be considering with me. We’d leave the older 2 with one set of grandparents and take the other with us to babysit if we went with that option. DH is a groomsman (sorry I forgot to mention that in my OP).

I like the idea of getting a campervan and parking it outside friends parents house but don’t think I’m bold enough for that.

Friend doesn’t have any children. She is late 30’s and has plenty of nieces, nephews and friends with children so I’d hope wouldnt be quite so naive as to the demands of looking after children

I had the conversation with friend where I said I didn’t know what to do and raised the issue of leaving baby for 2 night, possibility of mastitis etc. That was what prompted her comment of “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I don’t want to be so direct as to say if baby can’t come then I can’t come as that feels a bit like an ultimatum.

I’m going to call friend and say that I can’t find a solution that will work and allow me to go to her wedding so I’m going to have to step down and decline the invite. Not sure where that will leave DH. Wish me luck!

@timeisnotaline

Generally I think don’t go, with the baby can’t be within 45 min rule. But, you say kit day? Are you going back to work? Is your friend going to see a month after your wedding that you are leaving baby a few days a week and think well she obviously worked something out, she just couldn’t be bothered to do it for me. I’d feel a very low priority as your friend in this scenario.

That's completely different tho as the OP can still feed morning and night when working. Unless the OP works 3 full days straight including nights and doesn't return home, then it isn't comparable regardless of what she may think. I would make that distinction very clear to the bride.

It’s not an ultimatum OP, it’s just a fact. If you can’t take your baby then you can’t go and she’ll have to accept it.

To be so dismissive about you having to sort something out is so uncaring of the well-being of someone she thought was important enough to her to include them in her wedding.

Please stand firm, don't go. It's too much hassle.

I'd try to make contact with a breastfeeding advisor , or if possible the health professionals who advised you when you've previously had mastitis. If they think it would be detrimental to your health- and it sounds as though it would be- I would tell your friend that you've been advised by HCPs not to leave your baby for 2 days due to the risk to your health, and you regret that you will be unable to attend.

I'm glad to read that the advice and suggestions on here have been sensible and supportive. I agree; I wouldn't leave my similarly aged breastfed baby either. Let us know how the conversation with your friend goes!

Who is closer to the couple - is it originally your friend or DH's (as you both have roles) or equal?

Maybe you could take baby to hotel, you drive to the ceremony, stay for the meal and speeches while DH stays with baby at the hotel. You drive back to hotel to be with baby and DH goes to evening party (by taxi?) while you are at the hotel with the baby. And give her the option of choosing a different MoH and DH steps down as groomsman but at least you've both made an effort to be there for them. Are there really no hotels within 45 mins of the parents house?

Good luck! Let us know how it goes with your friend!

I'm breastfeeding my 1 year old. At a child free wedding or any event that required an overnight stay (especially 2+ nights!) I would say that I couldn't go. I wouldn't be able to. It wouldn't be fair on my child.

*Friend doesn’t have any children. She is late 30’s and has plenty of nieces, nephews and friends with children so I’d hope wouldnt be quite so naive as to the demands of looking after children

I had the conversation with friend where I said I didn’t know what to do and raised the issue of leaving baby for 2 night, possibility of mastitis etc. That was what prompted her comment of “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.*

I would say that she doesn't get the intricacies of looking after a child that you are the parent of. Looking after a child for a day or overnight is not the same.

I think no children weddings are fine providing that the majority of the guests are local. It is totally unreasonable to expect you to attend a two day event whilst you are breastfeeding. The bride and groom can't complain if guests can sort out childcare.

Her wedding is exceptionally tricky logistically. You are not a bad friend for declining.

The suggestion before of you and DH taking it in turns to attend, 45 min taxi ride between hotel and venue is just not practical. Far too much hassle. After the treck of travelling to the wedding, this on top is just extra silliness. And taking grandparents all that way to babysit (and pay their accommodation) is not ideal at all.
It's expensive, attending weddings. Might as well use that £ for something you and your family will actually enjoy.

Declining is completely fair enough.

My 11 month old is also breastfed and I need to go to my university town to do two days of research in the library next week. My husband is having to come with me and watch my son and ill pop out the library every few hours to feed cause I just couldn't leave him for 2 days and 2 nights without breast milk... One for his sake and two cause I can't pump either and wouldn't want to cause some issues with my milk production.

Unfortunately, you may have to pull out. Of course it's your friends choice not to have kids as her wedding but then she can't blame you for dropping out because you can't find a solution for your little one.

Saw your update, op. Good luck with speaking to hour friend!

I think child free weddings are a bit miserable personally. It could be argued that it’s discriminatory. Imagine if people were excluded for being too old, because their hearing aids might whistle or they might talk too loudly during the ceremony, or they might moan about the food at the reception or there is nowhere to sit when the photographs are taking too long, or the music at the party isn’t to their liking?

OP, in your position I’d just say you won’t be able to attend, option 3. Bride clearly clueless about how painful Mastitis is and how unwell you could become.

Just decline . Any decent friend would not have put you in this position in the first place . Do it now giving her plenty of notice . And hold firm in your decision. Your family comes first.

I also think that the only solution is not to go. Your friend has made it too tricky, requiring you to be away for 2 nights, so don’t feel bad about this. (Obviously it will be a disappointment for you, as she’s a close friend.)

It might concentrate her mind once you explain to her that it really isn’t possible for you to go.

Don't go and don't feel guilty! If I were in your shoes I'd tell her to eff off to be quite honest. She sounds horrible.

I'd go with option 3. If she's making the no kids rules she needs to suck it up when people say they can't make it.

Option 3

If you are so close to be maid of honour and your DH is also very involved, I’m confused as to why she simply does not understand

Is there someone who can intervene for you? Another friend or her mum or sister? Someone to make her understand it’s a very difficult situation?