Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

Maybe I missed it but if you’re both in the wedding who’s taking care of your baby during the ceremony? Or do you plan on walking down the aisle with him and holding him throughout? I wouldn’t blame her for not wanting that. But the logistics of this wedding sound like an absolute nightmare for everyone. You really might be better off not going/stepping down.

option 3 without doubt.

No brainer. Don't go.

Sounds like a good solution. She can either invite your baby or lose you.

If both you & DH are in the bridal party, who would be looking after the baby during the ceremony?

@Shelby2010

If both you & DH are in the bridal party, who would be looking after the baby during the ceremony?

Good point!

Option 2. It's a close enough friend, the baby is old enough to be on solids for a day, and if it was my friend theres no way I would want to miss her wedding.

She sounds monumentally shit. I would say to her that as her MoH you'll assume you're fairly important to her big day and as a result you'll need to bring your bf baby or not come at all. Which would she prefer? But honestly, the fact that she hasn't considered your needs and by extension your baby's it really screams that she doesn't value you as much as you deserve to be valued. What a nob.

@KnobJockey it’s not about leaving the baby, as I’m sure the baby will be fine. It’s about the risk of mastitis, etc. for me as I wouldn’t be able to feed for 2 nights/3 days and I can’t seem to get anything when I’ve tried to pump.

One of our other friends would have held the baby during the ceremony. And they’re not having a top table so no issues with seating plans later on

Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

Were you banking on her having a very long engagement OP?

You need to explain it clearly and simply - given your previous experience it is highly likely you will develop mastitis if you don’t feed the baby for 2 days, so you can either drop out now, or she can allow your baby to come. It’s her wedding, so it’s her choice.

I've gone to weddings where I was breastfeeding but only when

• baby came to the wedding
• it was one night away and my mum came with us (and it was also near other relatives so not too much hassle for my parents as they could combine it with visiting other family)

The arrangements the OP describes would be too much.

@DioneTheDiabolist no, I was banking on her inviting at least my youngest to her wedding. I’m surprised that she’s made a child free except for family children rule.

I opt for 3. There is no way I would have left my baby for two days and she was formula fed. End of.

I'd bow out & be done. I had a child-free wedding apart from family children but I cannot imagine ever saying to a breastfeeding friend "sort something out" when she's in the wedding party. She's not exactly making this easy for you is she? Not a very good friend...

All the best op, what about suggesting you have to pull out and then she may reconsider allowing your little one ?

I was banking on her inviting at least my youngest to her wedding.
That was your mistake OP. You knew you would be breastfeeding, it was up to you to ask about it at the time.

You’re not a shit friend for dropping out; she made the rules, the consequences are hers.

If she gave a shit about you at all (and she should, you're the maid of honour), this shouldn't even be an issue, she'd have said "Of course bring the baby, it fine" and just cracked on.

Some people are awful.

Even if she has nieces and nephews I just don't think you truly get it until you have kids of your own. We got an save the date / invitation to a child free wedding when I was pregnant with my first. I fully intended to go, had lined up my mum to babysit, planned to express milk in advance, the works. About 2 months before the wedding, when DD was 2 months old it had become glaringly obvious that it just wouldn't work.

If she won't allow you to take your baby, you can't go.

My sisters in similar situation at the moment, would love to hear what the brides response is.

I just don't get this. We had a child free wedding EXCEPT for the two breast fed babies who no one would even have known were there. It makes zero difference to the plans, costs or atmosphere to have such small babies there, unless the mother is so self-absorbed she doesn't know to take them out if they cry at an inappropriate moment (in which case it's unlikely we'd be friends in the first place ).

I feel for you OP, but if your shoes I wouldn't be going.