Another “Child Free” wedding one

[SarBear2021]

So I’m due to be maid of honour/chief bridesmaid (whatever you want to call it) for my friend in a few months time.

I agreed to be MoH ages ago, but a date wasn’t set and no specifics were discussed as we didn’t know when the wedding would be taking place and what form it would take due to covid.

Date has now been set and friend is planning a huge celebration in her parents (huge) garden. Friend has also decided that the only children invited will be family children. It’s her wedding so her choice, etc.

The wedding is a 5 hour drive (longer on trains) to the middle of nowhere. Coaches are being arranged to carry guests from the parents house to and from a hotel 45 minutes away. There are no airBnBs, guest houses, etc. close to parents house.

My problem is that I have a 9 month old who I’m currently breastfeeding and who has been exclusively breastfed since birth (as I did with my 2 older children). Both older children weaned around the 3 year mark and I have no reason to believe that my 9 month old will be weaned in 3 months time.

The wedding is a whole day affair and will require a 2 night stay. I’m sure my baby will be fine without me, but I’m concerned about my health and the possibility of getting mastitis. I’ve had it 3 times in the last 9 months (typically when I’ve done a KIT day at work and not fed the baby all day). Pumping doesn’t really work for me.

I’ve mentioned this to my friend and she’s just said “I’m sure you’ll sort something out”.

I’m struggling to find a solution. So far I have

1. Take the baby and someone to look after it, leave them at the hotel, but make a 90 minute round trip (plus feeding time) at least once on the day of the wedding to feed them. - I don’t really want to do this as I can’t afford the expense of an additional room for someone to travel just to look after the baby and I think I’d struggle to find a 2 hour window on the day of the wedding to take a feeding break. (Friend has made it clear that baby cannot be at her parents house during the wedding)

1. Go without the baby, take a pump, and hope for the best.

1. Don’t go.

I feel like a shit friend for dropping out of her wedding but I really can’t see a feasible alternative.

I also feel like if she really wanted me there then she could extend the list of children invited to include the bridal party. (The only extra child would be mine as the other children in the bridal party are family).

So who is being unreasonable? And what’s the solution?

Option 3.

Option 3 and don’t feel bad.

I can see bride’s concern, what happens if baby needs feeding during the ceremony itself or during photos? Even if taken out you could hardly just ignore your DC.

When I got married ds was 10 months. We stayed in a hotel for 1 night and I had stopped bf. Wouldn't be missing my baby for 2 nights for a thoughtless mate.
I could never use a pump.. What lf op leaks? Imagine the wedding pics!! Friend would likely be fuming if she ruined them with wet patches!
Why not ask the btb straight up how she thinks you can solve this...?

Do not go.

It’s fine to have a child free wedding if you understand that some parents won’t be able to attend. She’s decided on a set up that’s a nightmare for some parents and that has consequences. Worse still there will be some kids there!

One day if she has kids she will cringe about what she expected from you.

If she was a good friend then she would know that you can't leave a breastfed baby at home for a few days. I wouldn't go.

Do you want to go?

Invite her to your house for a full day to see what it's like!

I seem to have a different opinion to everyone here which makes me worry!

For my first DS there is no way I would have gone without him but by the time the second came around if it was my best friend and I really wanted to go then I would have.

I never pumped at all with my first and fed for 18m but my second never latched so I pumped for him for a year and there are some ways to make it work better. You are obviously prone to clogs/mastitis so if you are going to need a solution. The bellababy double pump on amazon is v reasonable and gets great reviews. You also need a pumping bra or cut holes in an old sports bra, it holds the flanges closer and steady. You need to check the flange size and may need an insert. If your nipple is 18mm and the flange is 24mm you are never going to get any output because it won't be anywhere near close enough to stimulate a let down. Pics of baby and some heat or massage while pumping all helps. You would probably need to start pretty soon to get what works for you...I definitely wouldn't take a pump and hope for the best.

Obviously her letting the baby come would be easiest but just in case.

Also if you decide its not what you want/the logistics just don't work there is 0 judgement, was just giving some pumping tips in case you were really wanting to be there but didn't feel you could.

I've got a breastfed 9mo. We're going to a wedding in August. I was hoping to have weaned her off the booby by now but it's not happening and I doubt it will by August. I told the couple this and said that DP (he's their friend) would likely be coming alone and I would stay back with kids as to not interfere with their ceremony and day. The groom said he will be reserving a bench at the back of the church for parents to tend to crying children and any kids under two are welcome, because it's unreasonable to expect them to be left.

If she wants you at her wedding that badly, she can think of a solution.

and she wants the MOH to be focused on her.

Why does a bride need a MOH to focus on her? What exactly does a MOH do anyway?

I would be open with her and explain all the options you have looked into and explain why they don't work and then apologise and say therefore I am sorry but I just can't come, much as I want to.

This way you are not burning bridges because you are clear that you want to go and have exhausted all options.

She may change her mind or she may not but at least you have done everything that you can.

I seem to have a different view from most people. If this is a good friend, I think I’d do a combination of 1 and 2, depending on how you feel about being away from the child. I breastfed until my DC was over 2 and as someone who suffered from mastitis a few time, I can understand the concern. But at least in my case, my DC had significantly reduced feeds by 12 months as weaning became more established. So I managed to go away for about 36 hours when DC was 13 months and neither of us had any issues - I didn’t pump, baby had cow’s milk and water and food. I’ve been to several weddings where friends pumped. In your case, I’d plan to take a pump and use that if needed. If you don’t want to be away from the DC for two nights, I’d keep them at the hotel so you could go back at night/see them in the morning. I do think there’s a big difference in not inviting a 3 month old exclusively fed baby to a wedding and not inviting a 1 year old. (And I say that was someone who doesn’t have easy access to childcare).

Sometimes the only option is to not go.

I was in a similar situation and ended up getting really stressed trying to make something work. As soon as I decided and told everyone I couldn't go I felt so much better.

It's unfortunate that you might not attend, as she's a good friend, but people who make the decision of no dc have to accept that sometimes people with dc simply don't have any other options other than to not attend

Option 3 all the way .

I agree with other poster who said people who restrict DC from coming have to accept that some people with DC just won't come.

I honestly don't understand why people ban DC from coming to their weddings makes no sense to me. I have little interest in kids but still welcomed them at my wedding. If not I would have fully expected people to turn down the invite.

She's made it too hard for you to go. One extra baby makes very little difference to her and a huge difference to you!

If she honestly can't acknowledge the problem - don't go. Your baby's needs and your health are more important than your friend's bridezilla moment.

I was reading your OP thinking “two nights? No, it’s just not possible if you can’t pump.” You could leave a breastfed 12-mo in the day time (e.g. for 8hrs to work) but not for two consecutive nights.

Ask her if she’d like your breasts to be rock hard, painful and leaking in all the photos. She clearly doesn’t understand at all. Explain to her one more time, and if she doesn’t believe you or is pissed off, then show her this thread.

Also as an aside, I really don’t get all these self-obsessed brides who want their grown-up friends to be maids of honour/bridesmaids and fawn over them. Comes across so juvenile and annoying.

Just don't go, decline gracefully.

Don’t go. I wouldn’t have left DD for two nights at that age, I still wouldn’t and she’s two and still bf.

She’s being rigid and unreasonable.

Tell her today and put it from your mind.

Completely understand your concerns are valid ones. But I'm also in the other camp, particularly given you're MoH and your child is 9 months rather than a newborn. I've left my breastfed baby to go on a wedding, took a pump (appreciate this may not be an option for you) for when I was starting to feel engorged and slipped into the loo.

If your baby takes water in a sippy type cup or whatever, I'd probably see if they'd take milk too. I was lucky as both mine were equally happy to be BF or have pumped milk in a bottle.

But it's ultimately your choice and only you can decide what you're comfortable with and no doubt your friend will understand.

OP has said pumping doesn’t really work for her. It doesn’t work for some women, just as breastfeeding doesn’t. She got mastitis from her KIT days because she couldn’t properly pump.

I too left my breastfed babies for weekends away around 9-12 months, but I woke up each morning hugely engorged and had to pump and dump. If pumping doesn’t work for you, then you can’t just walk around all day like that.

I understand that hence why I wrote that I appreciate it may not work for her. My view was only based on what I was comfortable doing and others have shared different views. My pumping got a bit out of hand and seemed to result in too much milk production which was painful when I stopped... I was also lucky in that my parents/husband were equally good at settling our children as babies so it made the decision easier.

We're all different and the joy of being a parent is that we can make our own decisions and good friends should respect that.

@GroggyLegs

Outrageous that she can't include her bridesmaid's baby as a 'family child'! Wtf? Also, mastitis is a horror.

I would sadly decline I think. Don't feel like shit - she could have helped you resolve this. If there weren't already children there I'd understand, but she's being deliberately awkward - why?!

But surely the point of being a MOH is that you're involved in the weeding. OP will be involved with her child if she brings a baby.

Also, we don't know how many guests have small children - if she makes one exception then she needs to deal with the fall out of people being upset/other people wanting go bring their kids.

Option 3. Or, hold fire for a couple of weeks to try pumping again... And, when it doesn't work, back to option 3. You have a baby and a career and don't have the luxury of time to be ill.