To think my father is totally selfish & demanding - how would you respond?

[Rae34]

I'm in my 20s, was always close to him growing up - we had a very good relationship until a few years ago when we became argumentative and nasty. I actually thought he might be ill for a while. About a year ago, it came to a head when I said if he didn't change, I would reconsider having a relationship at all. It was very hard for me. Things have improved a lot since then.

I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he responded nothing more than a hug, a card and a day out with me - how nice, I thought. Now is the time to mention my dad and I are both writers and another important point is he is a complete cheapskate.

A few months ago he said he wanted me to proofread his new book, which is hundreds of pages long - as a favour, by the way - not paying me. I stated I would be unable to do this as I work full time & am really busy completing my own projects on the side. He wasn't happy but accepted it.

He has now contacted me again and said 'For my birthday I want you to proofread and edit my book.' Not even asking or enquiring, just this is what you have to do.

Right now I am job hunting (which feels like a second job) and trying to finish my own project. I do not want to do this. I already told him I would not do it. And here he is AGAIN, telling me to do it. AIBU to tell him where to go? He is not short of cash by the way - he could easily ask a proper editor to do this for him.

@HollowTalk

The mistake you made was posting it in AIBU. There are so many complete idiots on this thread. You should repost in relationships where you will get some help in dealing with a very difficult father.

Also posting overnight. I've noticed before that for some reason the small hours bring out all the arseholes on MN, presumably because they know they're less likely to get picked up and deleted, at least for a few hours.

Just say no.

If he goes in the huff, so what? He seems dead set on ruining the relationship with you, anyway.

I’m surprised by so many of these comments.

He is being completely out of order.

Do you ask an accountant friend to do your taxes for free because it’s your birthday? Can you phone the plumber and ask them to fit a new bathroom for your birthday?

He’s not asking for you to give the book a quick read because you’re his daughter and he values your opinion (this would be a nice thing to ask) but he’s asking for you to complete a professional service.

I also think bringing up the money is bang out of order. My Dad does this - he likes to be be generous but only so he can brag about it and bring it up often, I don’t think he even really knows he’s doing it.

I’d always assumed books for proof read and edited via the publishers who sent them out for editing to people / companies they are affiliated with. Will the publisher just publish it no questions asked when he says it was proof read by his daughter, anyway?

[quote Melitza]@Losttheequipment proof reading a book properly would be at least a week of uninterrupted work.
Its not what you do for close family unless they pay you as a job to do so or you're currently unemployed.[/quote]
Blimey. In our family , we do and often have given each other a week's work ( and far more than a week) without ever even thinking of payment. In my world it's just what family and friends freely do for/ ask of each other as a matter of course without counting the cost.

We regard each others skills and assets as communal, to be shared and drawn on as need arises by whoever needs them.

@wickedwitchofthedance

I'm another one to say why wouldn't you proof read it. An hour a day for a few while wouldn't kill you. Your just looking and listing excuses. Being in your 20s and working full time whilst doing your own projects are just excuses. Think people who are single parents and work full time are a lot busier.

Plus your not even a mother so why are you posting on a PARENTING forum.

Your message is so condescending. The deadline is in 2 months and proofreading and editing a novel would take much more than 60 hours. I've done proofreading in my 20s (not in English, which is my second language) and it's a demanding job. It's as if someone asked you to take a month of annual leave and work full time for free. Even if YOU would do it, it's reasonable to say no.

OP, I'm with you 100%.

OP, if your Dad is as much of a pain as you say, I’d be very tempted to say I’d do it. Reiterate a) you’re a writer not an editor or proofreader so you may miss things b) it’s hard to edit a friend/relative’s work c) you’re quite busy. Then run the book through spellcheck, do find and replace on a few things (does he type with two spaces after a full stop? You can F&R that and there’ll be track changes all over the place) and add a few random comments (“expand this bit”, “this detracts from the main argument/plot”) and send it back within his ridiculous deadline.

I can relate to the boundary pushing, my PILs are just like that.

However you're being an absolute drama llama about all of it.

As PPs have said, you can politely and calmly say no without whipping yourself into a frenzy or jumping to the conclusion he's even turned his mind to your time and boundaries let alone decided to give a 'fuck you' to them.

He wants something, he's a CF asking over again. But you don't need to get into a flap about it. Just say no again and move on with your day.

Stop eyeing his inheritance. It's his to spend or not spend as he wants.

People don't have to do and say exactly what you want in order for you to have your boundaries. Boundaries are about controlling your own time and attention etc, not what other people say and do. Accept that he's a bit cheap, a bit pushy, a bit oblivious to other people's schedules or whatever. That doesn't mean you have to do what he wants but likewise it doesn't mean that you get to change him.

I think people may be struggling as they don’t know how long it takes to properly proof read a book. Are you able to tell us how long you think it would take? I think that some people think it’s a nice leisurely afternoon of reading (3/4 hours)

Think you maybe got a lot of drunk replies last night OP, yanbu.

He sounds like he's stirring for whatever pleasure that gets him.

Respond with 'whilst I'd love to be able to proof read your book, I still don't have time & can't see it being an option for the next year at least. Pay a pro to do it. if you want me to chip in for your birthday let me know by x date. Otherwise, it's dinner on me or a surprise.'

Hope it's not too dramatic

@Posieandpip

Sorry but i think you're really overreacting and playing the victim unnecessarily. He asked again, he probably just had the idea. Stop banging on about boundaries like he's overstepped something massive. You just said you didn't have time. It's really not tue big deal you're framing it to be. Anyway, if he gave you some of HIS inheritance as a gift to help you out, he probably thinks you might want to do a nice thing foe him in return?

A gift should be given freely with no strings attached. With your logic because of this inheritance OP should now forever be in debt to her father? If he thinks that, it's emotional blackmail.

If he wanted to give money for a favour, he should have said that at the time, and OP could decide if she was ok with it or not.

There'll be no need for you to 'look after' your dad when he's older. With all the money he's got he should be buying in care. The time and stress involved in running round after elderly parents indefinitely will be far more than what he's asking of you now. Which I agree is unreasonable. Think long term and stick to your original decision otherwise you'll set a precedent that he gets his own way.
Sadly this is often the fallout of accepting large gifts of money. You're now somewhat beholden.

I agree with @Malbecfan , offer to read the book and point out anything major you spot, but say that you aren't a professional proof reader and haven't got the time to do a thorough job so he'll need to get it done professionally as well.

Whether or not he was slightly cheeky to ask, the OPs hysterical reaction to the mere question and subsequent dramatic accusations towards her father not respecting her 'boundaries' by merely asking... And then towards posters who disagreed with her by saying they're 'gaslighting'... Well, it's all just a ludicrous and nonsensical overreaction. All she needed to say was 'No, sorry dad, I'd love to hut really no time. Let's have a good day together instead.' Done. Problem solved.

Instead she's come to Mumsnet for help in composing rude and melodramatic replies to her dad and also to bang on about how terrible her dad is for DARING to ask her for a favour when she's busy.

This whole thing is so irritating, for some reason. I think because yes the dad was maybe being mildly cheeky but OPs reactions is just so out of proportion that it's ridiculous.

OP, your dad sounds mildly irritating at worst but you sound REALLY difficult.

I am genuinely lost on the thread?

Easily done, unless you have extensive experience peer reviewing academic papers or similar...

In our family , we do and often have given each other a week's work ( and far more than a week) without ever even thinking of payment. In my world it's just what family and friends freely do for/ ask of each other as a matter of course without counting the cost.

You must realise that you're in quite a privileged position to be able to work for free for a week? Not many of us can afford to forgo paid work for that long to benefit out families and my family would never ask that of me because they wouldn't want to take advantage.

I'm sorry you're getting such a tough time on here. Your OP clearly states that your relationship had previously become so nasty that you had to consider going NC.

People tend to insert their own wonderful Dad into the scenario you outline and then judge you on that but that's not fair.

I DO sympathise with everything you have written. He sounds like my D, a selfish self absorbed narcissist, becoming nastier with age.

I had a similar confrontation where I begged him to treat me nicer. Sadly that triggered a narcissistic rage, he was unable to acknowledge or change and we are now NC. So you have done well to maintain a relationship thus far.

Repeated no's in grey rock fashion is the safest option here.

OP, you need to make it clear that you cannot do this it give him some affordable options eg you know I can’t do that, Dad, but would you like to go for a meal at lovely restaurant ( or whatever) and fake it from there. If he comes back about the money calmly remind him what he said it was for.
Mine is not like yours in terms of expecting work done but I need to do some work on boundaries as he thinks he can comment on all sorts of things eg whether sons girlfriend stays over, DH’s driving. DH’s weight etc and it is really wearing. So far I’ve just tried to shut down the recent comments but he’s made them again so I’ve decided that if there is a third one in the next phone call I have to address it firmly. I should point out that DH does speed a bit but DF considers speeding to be doing 72 on the motorway. DF conveniently forgets his years of drinking in the 80s after work and coming home late, driving home after 3 pints. But apparent it’s my DH who is the bad driver. Bizarrely he also forgets that he and stepmum lived together before marriage but apparently it’s not ok for my adult DS to have girlfriend over at ours. He really does think he can tell me how to parent. I’m in my 50s.

OP there have been some very nasty, dimwitted posters overnight. Please don't take a word they said seriously.
Hold the line. You don't have to do everything this man says just because he donated his DNA. You are your own person with your own shit to do and that's that.

Your dad is being v unreasonable and seems to be thinking of what he can gain from your request of what would he like for his birthday.
To me giving someone a birthday present is gving them a nice treat they will enjoy. Instead he is asking you to do many days of work. Very unfair of him.

My dad is exactly the same. Just keep telling him you haven’t got time.

Well you say you are a writer yet you've missed something important to really good writers, that being given a book to proof read is an opportunity, a seriously good way to professionally develop. The skill of proofreading is good for your own writing.
You come across as angry and entitled, and your unwillingness to help your father comes over as controlling and unappreciative.
You could have proof read a chapter or two in the time you have invested in this thread, for example. It's not about your commitments, it is about your resentment.

I'm an academic and there are a lot of people on this thread who don't understand what a time-consuming task proofreading is. It's also boring compared to creative work.

I also detect more than a whiff of sexism in the father's request. There's a long tradition of male writers and academics relying on their wives' unpaid labour to proofread (and in the old days) type their manuscripts. The great man does the creative part, the woman does the grunt work.

How would people feel I wonder if a man said to his daughter, 'For my birthday present I'd like you to spend a week tidying my house and doing my piles of washing and ironing.' Because it's not dissimilar. If he's too grand to do it himself he can hire a professional.

I would just laugh it off OP. 'You want me to proofread your whole manuscript? LOL no. I've already told you, I have writing of my own to do.'

You're right to be indignant that your dad is trying to get you to be his unpaid skivvy but you're giving him too much headspace. Maybe see a counsellor to help you worry less about your excellent decision to stand up to your dad. You can't make him stop trying to push your boundaries, all you can control is the way you choose to respond to him. Good luck!

@Tippexy

I would proofread it. I think you’re being unfair.

You obviously have no clue about the amount of time and work that goes into proof reading, let alone editing. It's an expensive and skilled job.

If it was so easy more people would do it and I wouldn't have had to return the last book I read on my kindle. Ok story but totally unreadable due to the number of typos I had to report.

For some weird reason I'm getting the vibe that MrMucker is a man.

You're not the OP's dad by any chance, MrMucker?