To think my father is totally selfish & demanding - how would you respond?

[Rae34]

I'm in my 20s, was always close to him growing up - we had a very good relationship until a few years ago when we became argumentative and nasty. I actually thought he might be ill for a while. About a year ago, it came to a head when I said if he didn't change, I would reconsider having a relationship at all. It was very hard for me. Things have improved a lot since then.

I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he responded nothing more than a hug, a card and a day out with me - how nice, I thought. Now is the time to mention my dad and I are both writers and another important point is he is a complete cheapskate.

A few months ago he said he wanted me to proofread his new book, which is hundreds of pages long - as a favour, by the way - not paying me. I stated I would be unable to do this as I work full time & am really busy completing my own projects on the side. He wasn't happy but accepted it.

He has now contacted me again and said 'For my birthday I want you to proofread and edit my book.' Not even asking or enquiring, just this is what you have to do.

Right now I am job hunting (which feels like a second job) and trying to finish my own project. I do not want to do this. I already told him I would not do it. And here he is AGAIN, telling me to do it. AIBU to tell him where to go? He is not short of cash by the way - he could easily ask a proper editor to do this for him.

Some people here think that adult children should do everything their parents ask of them

I am genuinely lost on the thread?

shine your brightness on me quickly @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop
very quickly

I think you're just a bit upset that no one fawned over the fact you peer review scientific papers and you got more upset when people said novel proofreading is just as hard - remind me again how many novels you've proofread?

@lighteincastlewindow

Some people here think that adult children should do everything their parents ask of them

I am genuinely lost on the thread?

That's because you're not very bright.

I suppose I will have to defer to the superior intellectual proofreader here. I am beaten and chastised by your literacy.
👍

@Rae34

It was only a year ago I had the conversation with him *@Totallyrandomname* about potentially limiting contact between us - which to me is obviously the nuclear option.

It tends to go:

nice time together, boundary manipulation, nice time together, boundary manipulation - so the boundary stepping is sprinkled with nice times in between. I reckon it is to do with the way he was raised because his sibling is manipulative in a similar way.

Get a grip, you come across like the world is on your shoulders, he asked you to read his book, your not bloody dying ffs

@lighteincastlewindow

I suppose I will have to defer to the superior intellectual proofreader here. I am beaten and chastised by your literacy. 👍

Or you could just admit that your first post on this thread was tone deaf rather than further digging your heels in

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger I love this comment 🤣 🤣 157 messages later, just read his bloody book.

Got you’ve got some odd ones on this thread. I think you’re being entirely reasonable. You know what though, just not wanting to would be a good enough reason. You’re allowed to not do something even if the requester doesn’t have past bad form,

The people giving you a (weird) hard time are the same ones that tell people they’re unreasonable to expect childcare from their parents. They’re just here because they don’t say boo to a goose in real life.

*god

Or you could just admit that your first post on this thread was tone deaf rather than further digging your heels in

RTFD.

Christ on a bike!
Are half the pp here pished?
Proofreading isn’t a quick check of grammar and hey great read.
Utter lunacy on this thread, who knew you owed your parents for feeding and clothing you 🤷🏼‍♀️

@lighteincastlewindow

I suppose I will have to defer to the superior intellectual proofreader here. I am beaten and chastised by your literacy. 👍

I'm not a proofreader.

Neither are you clearly, given I've said that three times now and you're still calling me a proofreader 🤣 what do you peer review, finger paintings drawn by toddlers?

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger proofreading is not "reading a book".

Google is your friend here. Or, you know, you could RTFT where people have explained the time, effort and value of proofreading.

I'm not a proofreader.

Neither are you clearly, given I've said that three times now and you're still calling me a proofreader 🤣 what do you peer review, finger paintings drawn by toddlers?*

Still upset?

@lighteincastlewindow god no not at all, and never was - merely baffled at your posts and total lack of reading comprehension for someone who "peer reviews scientific papers".

Waiting for you to tell me how many novels you've proofread? It can't be zero seeing as you're so sure that it isn't as hard as your "job"

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop you wouldn't be able for it, far too emotional. I've proofread 6 novels; but are you proofreading or editing, 2 wholly different jobs, tripped yourself up there ... pet.

You sound so spiteful. He’s your dad ffs

I'd assume that your dad wanting you to proofread his book isn't just about the proofreading - I think maybe he just wants you to read his book, to take an interest in what he's achieved. I know that if I'd written a book I'd feel sad if my family weren't interested in reading it.

@Binglebong actually OP did say it if she got paid...

I'm sickened that he wants to add something like this to my already full plate. I asked him before if he would pay me to do it and he said he wouldn't

I am not for or against, I just think there are bigger issues here and reading between the lines there seems to be some resentment around money (isn’t there always).

The fact that your father (male, old) now has the ability to concentrate on his work while you a young woman try to write your own book seems unfair to you. ”my first book by the way as a young woman)”

You have mentioned a couple of times that you work full time and he doesn’t have to work at all due to the inheritance your grandmother left him. I think it is a big ask for him to ask you to do this but I think your issue is that you would like more money from him so you don’t have to work full time... and I think that is unreasonable.

In my 20’s I worked three jobs, one straight out of university (professional job), an evening one in a university and a weekend one in a library to save up enough money to buy a house. My grandmother had died and left money to my father so he didn’t have to work anymore and he too is a controlling man. I didn’t have the expectation that my father should give me money and he didn’t. I saved up the deposit on my own. I was an adult and should provide for myself.

Your is being unreasonable for asking you to proofread the book but I think you need to reframe why you are actually angry.

You asked him what he wanted and he told you a hug and a nice day out which was lovely. Clearly he also wanted/expected his book to be proofread so he then added that to his initial request. So it’s not just your presence he wants but also proofreading. I do think that’s a bit sneaky and disingenuous .

To properly proofread a book to professional standards is not a couple of hours work - unless it’s a book of first words for babies. He is not asking the OP just to read his book. Reading and proofreading are entirely different. I don’t feel you are being unreasonable. He is not short of the money to get this done and expecting someone who has their own work and who is job hunting to do it is a big ask.

I'm agree with you OP. As for those saying she'd do it if he paid her, well yes, for days and days of work why should she do that for free?
If anyone's partners are builders, electricians etc, are you happy for them to do days and days worth of work for free?
I'm not a proof reader but can imagine it's very mental taxing work, that alongside usual work and job hunting, is a massive ask.
I think he's cheeky for asking after you already said you have no time. It's manipulative to ask again and frame it as a birthday present.