To think my father is totally selfish & demanding - how would you respond?

[Rae34]

I'm in my 20s, was always close to him growing up - we had a very good relationship until a few years ago when we became argumentative and nasty. I actually thought he might be ill for a while. About a year ago, it came to a head when I said if he didn't change, I would reconsider having a relationship at all. It was very hard for me. Things have improved a lot since then.

I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he responded nothing more than a hug, a card and a day out with me - how nice, I thought. Now is the time to mention my dad and I are both writers and another important point is he is a complete cheapskate.

A few months ago he said he wanted me to proofread his new book, which is hundreds of pages long - as a favour, by the way - not paying me. I stated I would be unable to do this as I work full time & am really busy completing my own projects on the side. He wasn't happy but accepted it.

He has now contacted me again and said 'For my birthday I want you to proofread and edit my book.' Not even asking or enquiring, just this is what you have to do.

Right now I am job hunting (which feels like a second job) and trying to finish my own project. I do not want to do this. I already told him I would not do it. And here he is AGAIN, telling me to do it. AIBU to tell him where to go? He is not short of cash by the way - he could easily ask a proper editor to do this for him.

I'm an academic and there are a lot of people on this thread who don't understand what a time-consuming task proofreading is. It's also boring compared to creative work.

Exactly. There’s a lot of total cluelessness on here.

OP, I’d get him a bottle of wine and be done with it.

You could have proof read a chapter or two in the time you have invested in this thread, for example.

No she couldn’t. You clearly don’t have any understanding what proper proof reading involves.

Hi Dad
I’m not a professional proof reader and don’t have the skills to do your book. I’d hate to mess things up for you and miss something, so I’m not going to be able to do this for you.
Shall we go to xxx for birthday lunch? Let me know.

The OP who suggested that you would get better advice on the relationships page is entirely right. You could ask MN to move your thread to the relationships section if you wanted to.

Have you considered that he wants you to do it because he values your opinion?

Proofreading is not offering an opinion. It is a professional job. You could hate the book and still proofread it to a professional standard!

OP’s dad has made it clear that he wants the professional job of proofreading with a 2 month deadline. He did not say, ‘just finished my latest book, I wonder if you could have a read through and tell me what you think’.

You could have proof read a chapter or two in the time you have invested in this thread, for example. It's not about your commitments, it is about your resentment.

With that sentence alone, @MrMucker, you've demonstrated that you know nothing about proofreading.

Proofreading and editing a book is an enormous amount of work. I've seen a few comments saying "just do what he wants you're being unreasonable" I think this just shows a lack of understanding as to what this actually entails. You're talking about days of work, that could have been paid elsewhere. It's like asking a photographer "photograph and edit my entire wedding for free", a developer "build me a website for my business", a decorator "paint my house" - no. A birthday present for your dad is a nice bottle of whisky, a meal, or some time together like you say.

He's being totally unreasonable. I know you've tried to lay that boundary but I think you need to stand your ground and offer to stick to the original plan. Don't allow yourself to be guilt-tripped or bullied into what he wants, you did well standing up for yourself before and it looks like you'll have to do it again. Sorry you have to deal with this @Rae34, sounds like a really stressful situation. Good luck x

Jesus Christ, some real bitches on this thread. Get a grip of yourselves 😳

He's being cheeky. I'd offer a compromise of saying you're very busy and you can only do an hour a week. Presumably that won't meet his deadline of two months, in which case you've offered and he will have to compromise on the deadline or pay someone else to do it.

Lots of people on here clearly don't realise how long it takes to proofread/edit.

He is being totally unreasonable. I think I you just have to keep repeating that you don't have time and don't get drawn any further into his drama.

Could you explain to him again that you don't have the time to give proof reading his book justice and tell him he would be best paying for a professional but say that you would however love to read his book and give an opinion on it (read as in a normal read not a proof read) as a compromise?

A lot of people on here don't seem to understand that proof reading and editing a book is a lot more effort than reading it once and uttering nice platitudes about it to your relative who wrote it even though you think it's crap.
OP you are under no obligation to do this for your father, you are entitled to set boundaries.

"Lots of people on here clearly don't realise how long it takes to proofread/edit."

^^ This.

And it's not just the time involved but the relationship necessary for a writer to take constructive feedback on the chin. You don't have that now and certainly wouldn't afterwards.

Great editors make great books.

Don't do it.

Proofreading is one thing - boring, much more fiddly than just 'checking for typos', hugely time consuming but ultimately neutral. It's either your, you're or yore.

Editing is a giant, subjective, potentially relationship-threatening argument waiting to explode.

It's like the old saying: don't lend money you can't afford to give away. Never edit the work of anyone you don't mind never speaking to again.

This thread has really brought all the trolls out of their holes, hasn't it?!

Absolutely.

It's always perplexing to know why certain threads bring out the utter loons - I guess Friday evening / late night posting by possibly drunk idiots plays its part.

OP, I hope you are able to sift through the thread to find the useful posts that give good advice. Ignore the horrible attacking posts, they are trolls & posting only to upset. 💐

Halztangz and others

the dad here is asking daughter to do his professional work for him. If you work for yourself, to make money, and need a service to complete that work, you hire someone professionally. I assume you can claim something in tax etc,
The dad is trying to outsource his work for free using emotional blackmail. Just because OP is in same business doesn’t mean he shouldn’t pay her .as self employed this is her livelihood too, and she needs paying for it

It is not the same as what you’d do for your parents or family normally, outside of work. Of course you help out with your time. But this is his profession- he will make money off the back of her graft that he is demanding for free

I get it OP, both my parents do this, go on and on to try and get me to do things I've already said I don't want to do, using emotional blackmail in the process. It's absolutely infuriating, and personally, I'm trying to get to the point where it washes over me rather than winds me up, but it's hard.

I always think it's worth remembering, when you post on MN, that people like my parents and your dad also post on here, so obviously they're going to think you're being selfish, or recognise their own behaviour and not like the comments directed at it and so react defensively.

I think you've had some good advice on this thread as to how to respond to your dad (keep calm and repeat no), and probably you already knew deep down but just needed to vent.

Good luck with it all!

I don't think people here seem to understand what proofreading and editing a book entails. It's a mammoth job, and you need to immerse yourself in the story. Not a good thing to do when you are crafting your own manuscript.

Maybe pay yourself for a professional to proofread his book if it's about the same price as a present?

"Sorry, like I said I can't do that for you. Where would you like to go for our day out?"
Then be a broken record. Repeat repeat repeat.

@MrMucker

Well you say you are a writer yet you've missed something important to really good writers, that being given a book to proof read is an opportunity, a seriously good way to professionally develop. The skill of proofreading is good for your own writing. You come across as angry and entitled, and your unwillingness to help your father comes over as controlling and unappreciative. You could have proof read a chapter or two in the time you have invested in this thread, for example. It's not about your commitments, it is about your resentment.

And another clueless poster. You could have run 10km in the time it took you to type that. Oh wait, no you couldn’t have, because I know how long that takes.

It doesn't matter how long it takes to proof read anything. She doesn't want to and that's that.

But she can hold that line without deciding her father is terrible and selfish, without being dramatic and odd in response, and without expecting that composing the perfect text message will somehow change her fathers personality and transform the entire dynamic of their relationship.

OP, just say no and move on with your life. Emotional blackmail only works with your participation and that's exactly what you're giving him right now.

Say no that doesn't work for me. send him some chocolates or a golf club or a kindle or whatever for his birthday. Move on with your life and stop expecting him to change to suit you.

The idea of boundaries in these relationships is to bring yourself peace and emotional independence regardless of someone you find difficult. If he paid attention to what you want then you wouldn't need so many boundaries in the first place. Your boundary isn't doing its job when you get yourself in a flap trying to get the other person to behave as you wish.

So you're both being unreasonable, in my book. Which I won't ask you to edit for free

@knittingaddict @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop Unfortunately for your narrative, I used to be a full time proofreader, and I still do occasional commissions now. I know full well the time it takes.

And yet if I were OP, I would still do it for her father, for his birthday.

@BarbaraPapa

Proofreading is one thing - boring, much more fiddly than just 'checking for typos', hugely time consuming but ultimately neutral. It's either your, you're or yore.

Editing is a giant, subjective, potentially relationship-threatening argument waiting to explode.

It's like the old saying: don't lend money you can't afford to give away. Never edit the work of anyone you don't mind never speaking to again.

Oh gosh, I had missed the fact that the OP's DF wants her not just to proofread but also to EDIT. I agree entirely, editing is a minefield and it would be completely inappropriate for the OP to edit her DF's manuscript when all of these issues with him trying to control her are present already. It would be a nightmare for both of them. He's not going to respect her advice as an editor. He needs to pay a neutral professional editor who isn't emotionally invested in the relationship.

Don't even think of editing his book, OP!

[quote vikmc87]@Binglebong actually OP did say it if she got paid...

I'm sickened that he wants to add something like this to my already full plate. I asked him before if he would pay me to do it and he said he wouldn't

I am not for or against, I just think there are bigger issues here and reading between the lines there seems to be some resentment around money (isn’t there always).

The fact that your father (male, old) now has the ability to concentrate on his work while you a young woman try to write your own book seems unfair to you. ”my first book by the way as a young woman)”

You have mentioned a couple of times that you work full time and he doesn’t have to work at all due to the inheritance your grandmother left him. I think it is a big ask for him to ask you to do this but I think your issue is that you would like more money from him so you don’t have to work full time... and I think that is unreasonable.

In my 20’s I worked three jobs, one straight out of university (professional job), an evening one in a university and a weekend one in a library to save up enough money to buy a house. My grandmother had died and left money to my father so he didn’t have to work anymore and he too is a controlling man. I didn’t have the expectation that my father should give me money and he didn’t. I saved up the deposit on my own. I was an adult and should provide for myself.

Your is being unreasonable for asking you to proofread the book but I think you need to reframe why you are actually angry.[/quote]
My apologies, you're right. I read that as her testing the water to see if he wanted her to do it professionally or as a favour as even if she still didn't have time she would affect how she saw the request and how much he was pisstaking.

Which shows in itsself how much work good proof reading is - i read something, took my own interpretation and remembered that as fact. A proofreader would have no be sure that does not happen anywhere in a potentially long book - there would be endless cross referencing among other work.

[quote Tippexy]**@knittingaddict* @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop* Unfortunately for your narrative, I used to be a full time proofreader, and I still do occasional commissions now. I know full well the time it takes.

And yet if I were OP, I would still do it for her father, for his birthday.[/quote]
And how long do you think it would take you to edit and proofread a full-length novel? When do you think the OP should do it? Should she sacrifice her own novel to edit her father's? Is he even likely to take her advice?

Editing, by the way, takes a hell of a lot longer than proofreading. There might be structural changes needed and it takes a lot of thought and effort to think about how to make a whole book better. At the very least it will take quite a few days, yet the OP works full-time and wants to write her own book.