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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my father is totally selfish & demanding - how would you respond?

279 replies

Rae34 · 04/06/2021 23:12

I'm in my 20s, was always close to him growing up - we had a very good relationship until a few years ago when we became argumentative and nasty. I actually thought he might be ill for a while. About a year ago, it came to a head when I said if he didn't change, I would reconsider having a relationship at all. It was very hard for me. Things have improved a lot since then.

I recently asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he responded nothing more than a hug, a card and a day out with me - how nice, I thought. Now is the time to mention my dad and I are both writers and another important point is he is a complete cheapskate.

A few months ago he said he wanted me to proofread his new book, which is hundreds of pages long - as a favour, by the way - not paying me. I stated I would be unable to do this as I work full time & am really busy completing my own projects on the side. He wasn't happy but accepted it.

He has now contacted me again and said 'For my birthday I want you to proofread and edit my book.' Not even asking or enquiring, just this is what you have to do.

Right now I am job hunting (which feels like a second job) and trying to finish my own project. I do not want to do this. I already told him I would not do it. And here he is AGAIN, telling me to do it. AIBU to tell him where to go? He is not short of cash by the way - he could easily ask a proper editor to do this for him.

OP posts:
wickedwitchofthedance · 05/06/2021 06:00

I'm another one to say why wouldn't you proof read it. An hour a day for a few while wouldn't kill you. Your just looking and listing excuses. Being in your 20s and working full time whilst doing your own projects are just excuses. Think people who are single parents and work full time are a lot busier.

Plus your not even a mother so why are you posting on a PARENTING forum.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/06/2021 06:07

[quote lighteincastlewindow]@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop you wouldn't be able for it, far too emotional. I've proofread 6 novels; but are you proofreading or editing, 2 wholly different jobs, tripped yourself up there ... pet.[/quote]
How have I tripped myself up Confused I don't believe I said they were the same job? I'm well aware they're different and why.

Also, you're a big fat liar.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/06/2021 06:11

@wickedwitchofthedance

I'm another one to say why wouldn't you proof read it. An hour a day for a few while wouldn't kill you. Your just looking and listing excuses. Being in your 20s and working full time whilst doing your own projects are just excuses. Think people who are single parents and work full time are a lot busier.

Plus your not even a mother so why are you posting on a PARENTING forum.

Lol @wickedwitchofthedance the OP would take about a year to proofread the whole book if she only took an hour a day.

Also YAWN at your last line - anyone can post here.

Immunetypegoblin · 05/06/2021 06:12

Wow. This thread has really brought all the trolls out of their holes, hasn't it?!

OP I sympathise - my (rich) dad is nowhere near as bad as this, but does tend to equate favours with love, even if the favours are bonkers or ones someone else could easily be paid to do. If we refuse he feels unloved and sad. A firm line is needed and he eventually settles down. We do show love in other ways, but it is a bit wearing....

RedHelenB · 05/06/2021 06:12

@choli

A couple of years ago he came into his inheritance after my grandparent died and gave me a portion of it as 'early' inheritance to add to my savings to help me get on the property ladder. You didn't try to test your boundaries by saying No to that Wink
This!
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/06/2021 06:13

Oh and @lighteincastlewindow proofreading and reading a novel aren't the same. HTH. You have not proofread six books, you can barely get your S&G right on an Internet forum, bless your deluded heart.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/06/2021 06:14

Also so what if the OP accepted inheritance - people on here act like doing that is akin to drowning kittens, when in reality they'd bite off their parents' hand if offered the same

Deedoubleyou · 05/06/2021 06:27

My dad works as an aircraft engineer/designer. Totally reasonable for me to demand he builds me an aeroplane for my birthday then?

Losttheequipment · 05/06/2021 06:33

Have you considered that he wants you to do it because he values your opinion?

If there’s not an unrealistic deadline I would do it. To me, that’s the kind of thing you do for your close family.

anon12345678901 · 05/06/2021 06:42

@wickedwitchofthedance

I'm another one to say why wouldn't you proof read it. An hour a day for a few while wouldn't kill you. Your just looking and listing excuses. Being in your 20s and working full time whilst doing your own projects are just excuses. Think people who are single parents and work full time are a lot busier.

Plus your not even a mother so why are you posting on a PARENTING forum.

Why say the last line? That's ridiculous to say. It's not just for parents.
Somanysocks · 05/06/2021 06:43

It's all about his control of you Op, and can you imagine if you did do it for him but didn't do it well enough.

Posieandpip · 05/06/2021 06:43

Sorry but i think you're really overreacting and playing the victim unnecessarily. He asked again, he probably just had the idea. Stop banging on about boundaries like he's overstepped something massive. You just said you didn't have time. It's really not tue big deal you're framing it to be. Anyway, if he gave you some of HIS inheritance as a gift to help you out, he probably thinks you might want to do a nice thing foe him in return?

Melitza · 05/06/2021 06:43

@Losttheequipment proof reading a book properly would be at least a week of uninterrupted work.
Its not what you do for close family unless they pay you as a job to do so or you're currently unemployed.

ShonkyCat · 05/06/2021 06:48

If he wants an opinion on the book, he can ask her to read it and then give him her opinion, not proofread and edit it which, as we have hopefully established at this point, is an expensive and time-consuming job.

Also have to roll my eyes at the poster polishing her halo for saving her Dad £1000 a week in costs by caring for him herself. She definitely won't be doing that to protect her inheritance then.

Marshy86 · 05/06/2021 06:59

Hi Op, how much would it cost to get some one to edit his book ? Could you say Hi Dad, as previously mentioned I just don't currently have that time available and would prefer to stick to our original plan however if you would prefer I could pay to get your book edited instead of us spending the day together ?

skodadoda · 05/06/2021 07:02

[quote Rae34]@Tippexy I have a full time job, I am editing my own book (my first book by the way as a young woman) - he has already published his and he is well past the early stage of his career. I will not be able to focus on what I am doing if I am doing his work.

Do you know what ever other normal, non cheapskate author does? They pay an editor. That's what they do. I can't do this on top of everything else. And he knows it - I already told him.

But he has reframed it as 'for my birthday' because he thinks I can't get out of it then.[/quote]
That’s bullying. I can’t imagine why some pp are saying you’re being unfair. I would remind him of his original answer.

skodadoda · 05/06/2021 07:07

@Advic3Pl3as3

You are an arsehole. He’s your dad.
He has just as much obligation to her as she has to him. It works both ways. How about asking him to proofread her book? It is a professional, time consuming job. What a stupid comment.
bigvig · 05/06/2021 07:17

He's a cheeky git. Also if he's a miser and usually mean I doubt he would give you some inheritance early. Have you seen the will? It is possible he gave you that money because he had to. Regardless though he sounds unpleasant and I would refuse to proofread for him.

Zzelda · 05/06/2021 07:23

[quote lighteincastlewindow]@TheLeadbetterLife Jesus, he wants her approval, it's not hard to proofread for grammar be it 500 pages, he wants her to see what he has written. Maybe she is in competition with him? Maybe she doesn't like him, maybe she is too self-involved, maybe he is a complete pain in the backside. But OP needs to figure which it is and get on with it and be honest with herself. and then him.[/quote]
It's not just proofreading for grammar. It's proofreading and editing, which means considering the phraseology and style used, looking for inconsistencies and plot holes, checking facts and references. Plus there's the added difficulty inherent in doing this for a relative who may take offence at having their work corrected.

How has OP not been honest? She knows what is involved, she has told him she can't do it. What else is she supposed to say?

Quartz2208 · 05/06/2021 07:25

OP anyone who is saying you should do it doesn’t have a clue as to the time it would take to edit and proof read it!

Lavender201 · 05/06/2021 07:33

Jesus Christ what a weird thread. Mumsnet really does get strange overnight.

@lighteincastlewindow won’t stop banging on about the fact they peer review scientific journals, and how clever that makes them, even though it’s completely derailing the thread. The tone of their posts doesn’t ring true to any of the academics I know at all, so I have to assume they’re a teenager having too much fun on half term.

Malbecfan · 05/06/2021 07:35

OP, I think some strange people were out overnight.

I do have some idea about proof-reading, but again this is of the science journal article type, rather than a novel. It took me an hour plus to spell/grammar/sense-check a paper my daughter wrote and it was only around 8 sides of A4 (some were diagrams). That was not proof-reading as has already been defined as I didn't have to check references or the actual science.

Can you compromise with your dad? For example: "Dad, I don't have the skills or expertise your novel deserves to proof-read it to the standard you need. However, I would genuinely love to read it before it is professionally proof-read." You aren't refusing to read the book, but you are hopefully extricating yourself from an onerous task which you say that you can't really manage.

ISpeakJive · 05/06/2021 07:35

Haven’t read the whole thread but can you pay for the proof reader as his birthday gift?

HollowTalk · 05/06/2021 07:35

OP, doesn't he have an editor to show his work to, if he's already published?

Zzelda · 05/06/2021 07:36

@Posieandpip

Sorry but i think you're really overreacting and playing the victim unnecessarily. He asked again, he probably just had the idea. Stop banging on about boundaries like he's overstepped something massive. You just said you didn't have time. It's really not tue big deal you're framing it to be. Anyway, if he gave you some of HIS inheritance as a gift to help you out, he probably thinks you might want to do a nice thing foe him in return?
OP has already explained that this is a tactic of his - ask for something, receive a reasonable explanation why it's not possible, ask again and again and again. Given that she's already had a conversation with him about boundaries, has explained the problem in doing it, and he could get this done very easily via professional proofreader, his request is way out of order.
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