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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘don’t bother coming if nobody can hold the baby’

286 replies

nina3638 · 04/06/2021 14:31

basically my family are having an outdoor get together tomorrow. they’re having the maximum 30 people over in the garden and i said i’ll come but not passing my 9 week baby around as i just think that’s too many people passing her about. she’s only had one set of jabs nevermind covid or anything else.

i said to my grandma i’m not going to pass her around and she said ‘well __ will want to hold her, she loves babies you have to let her hold her’ i said no cause i can’t let one person and say no to everyone else who wants to, that looks rude. and she said well don’t bother coming.

so is this all i’m good for now? nobody wants to just say hi and catch up with me anymore, i’m only worth coming if i’ll pass my baby around?

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 04/06/2021 21:18

@nina3638

basically my family are having an outdoor get together tomorrow. they’re having the maximum 30 people over in the garden and i said i’ll come but not passing my 9 week baby around as i just think that’s too many people passing her about. she’s only had one set of jabs nevermind covid or anything else.

i said to my grandma i’m not going to pass her around and she said ‘well __ will want to hold her, she loves babies you have to let her hold her’ i said no cause i can’t let one person and say no to everyone else who wants to, that looks rude. and she said well don’t bother coming.

so is this all i’m good for now? nobody wants to just say hi and catch up with me anymore, i’m only worth coming if i’ll pass my baby around?

sling. be firm, or do not go.

Pissed me right off people wanting to mother my children as babies, and not respecting my boundaries.
This is not their baby, it is your baby, be firm.

GettingItOutThere · 04/06/2021 21:19

oh and i speak pre covid, during this covid no-one would be touching my 9 week old baby! end of

JustanotherTuesday · 04/06/2021 21:40

@nina3638

also to those saying not everyone will want to hold the baby: the majority of my family is made up of baby crazy people who adore newborns and pretty much play pass the baby whenever there’s a new one in the family. i wouldn’t mind if i thought just a few people would want a cuddle but i think there would be at least half wanting one
My husband's family is like that with new babies. I've heard them call them communal babies, as everybody gets a turn. I don't think I'd go if I was in your place and just explain why if anybody asks you.
LizzieW1969 · 04/06/2021 21:52

Please don’t feel bad about this. Your grandmother was really unkind. I wouldn’t pass a 9 week old baby around pre-covid. She’s not a parcel.

This with bells on.

I enjoy cuddling newborn babies myself, but I would only want to do that if the mother offered me the opportunity, and during a private visit.

saraclara · 04/06/2021 21:57

Go. Have the baby in a sling or something else that makes a kind of barrier, and cheerfully say "I can't wait until this virus is over. I'm really looking forward to you all being able to hold her when life gets back to normal"

If anyone pushes it, tell them that your stance is on the health visitor's instructions because of the new variant. After all, it is supposed to be affecting children more than previous variants (the majority of cases where I live are in the 0-9 and 10-19 age range)

Looubylou · 04/06/2021 22:21

My child is 10 and I am now used to my mother looking totally disappointed and saying "oh, are you on your own" if I turn up anywhere alone.

snowone · 04/06/2021 22:57

Personally I wouldn't expect to hold a new born baby in this current situation. My SIL came round to a family gathering last weekend with her 6 week old and not once did anyone ask to hold her.

faithfulbird20 · 05/06/2021 04:09

I'd do what @saraclara said. Emphasise the health visitor bit.

faithfulbird20 · 05/06/2021 04:10

Your gran is very rude btw. She can't tell you what to do. She needs to stay in her own lane.

midsummabreak · 05/06/2021 04:15

HmmYou can’t please some grans. Do whatever makes you feel happy. Flowers Gran will realise that you have the best intentions for your baby when she gets over her own issues

HoppingHamster · 05/06/2021 04:19

Just tell everyone you don’t want anyone holding baby as he has terrible reflux and is often very sick on people.

And yes yes, you’ve seen a doctor and all the techniques to manage it are wonderful.

Yummymummy2020 · 05/06/2021 04:22

I wouldn’t go. I would see people I want to see in smaller groups over time. Nothing wrong with being careful, your granny is being a knob!!!! You are not under any obligation to pass the baby around so don’t let her feel you are!

BusyLizzie61 · 05/06/2021 07:56

@nina3638

also to those saying not everyone will want to hold the baby: the majority of my family is made up of baby crazy people who adore newborns and pretty much play pass the baby whenever there’s a new one in the family. i wouldn’t mind if i thought just a few people would want a cuddle but i think there would be at least half wanting one
Presumably the group is made of adulr males and females as well as children? So presuming most are couples or families, it's hardly going to be 15 people is it! Many of whom I would have thought have already held baby and seen as local. It all sounds very ott, as ultimately if you were going, baby's really at the same level of covid risk regardless of cuddles with family members, if there are 30 in the garden in such close proximity. Though I thought in England grounds of 30 in gardens is not currently permitted.

To me, it sounds as though your Gran knows what you're like and has called you out on your behaviour.

BusyLizzie61 · 05/06/2021 07:58

Groups not grounds

saraclara · 05/06/2021 08:35

Though I thought in England grounds of 30 in gardens is not currently permitted

Up to 30 people can meet outdoors, @BusyLizzie61. Doesn't matter whether it's in a park or a garden.

www.gov.uk/guidance/covid-19-coronavirus-restrictions-what-you-can-and-cannot-do#meeting-family-and-friends-outdoors

MrsBobDylan · 05/06/2021 08:55

I would never, even pre-pandemic, ask to hold anyone's baby (and I love babies in an obsessive way).

I wouldn't go. You grandmother is trying to emotionally blackmail you in a very unpleasant way. Your baby, your bloody choice for her. Babies are real people too, not a cuddly toy.

ChangePart1 · 05/06/2021 08:57

Wow I had to do a double take when I saw this post as this is almost exactly what happened to us, same age baby, except it was my stepmum’s birthday party and she disinvited us.

We were due to attend, our first event since having DS, but I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of passing him around as I didn’t really know any of the attendees barring my dad and stepmum. So we sent a message saying we were really excited to see everyone but that as DS was a bit under the weather we’d probably keep him with us, hope that’s okay and see you soon.

She messaged back saying it would be far too stressful to ‘keep DS segregated away from everyone’ so it was best we didn’t come. Just straight up disinvited us.

To be honest it was the latest in a long line of issues we’d had since we had DS, stepmum would frequently make shitty snotty comments about how we were doing everything wrong, stuff like how we were insane to keep him in our room for six months, how I was overly precious for not wanting total strangers to come up and touch him (which I stand by!) and should buy a ‘hands off’ sign for his pram, how we were stupid for not starting solids until 6m and so forth.

This was the straw that broke my back and after the party was over I sent a message saying that I was sick of being undermined and judged for every single decision I’d made, she had her time raising her son and now it was our time to do things our way whether she agreed with it or not, and that I expected her to be at least silent or civil in the future in my house when she wanted to say something negative about our parenting.

It stopped the behaviour in its tracks and we’ve moved on fine.

I empathise with that horrible feeling, I was so looking forward to going, it was a big deal for us (first event, first time we’d been away from home with him) and when she told us not to attend it was like a punch in the guts.

Personally I wouldn’t go in your shoes. I wasn’t keen on the idea of passing DS around a group of people who I didn’t know well who might have been drinking or smoking or not know how to hold a baby and so forth. Don’t let anyone tell you off for being precious, this is your child and if you’re not happy with others holding him then that’s entirely down to you as parents and very normal at such a small age.

ChangePart1 · 05/06/2021 09:02

And god no, don’t faff around buying slings! As the parent if you ever feel uncomfortable with someone wanting to touch or hold your baby you only need to use words and tell them to please step back or that you’re not comfortable with that just yet. You don’t have to pretend otherwise.

I hate the idea that newborns are just cute packages for anyone to have a go on. They’re people. My issue with strangers touching newborn DS wasn’t a worry about germs, it was recognition that he is a person too and every Tom dick and Harry don’t automatically have the right to touch him for their own benefit just because he’s tiny and can’t prevent it. Flame away for those who think that’s precious 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m embarrassed to admit I never really realised the impact it can have emotionally on new parents having people pounce to hold the baby or request to do so, pre kids I sort of just assumed I’d hold a baby when I first met them. After having DS I realise what a huge deal it can actually be for some parents, after sitting on my hands chewing my lip with anxiety watching relatives hold him wrongly, wanting him back with me but feeling pressured to let everyone have a hold. Now I never, ever ask to hold a baby. If a parent wants you to hold their baby they’ll offer.

Katyppp · 05/06/2021 15:20

I think a lot of women see their baby as a way to shift the dymanics of family relationships
Possibly for the first time, they have the thing that others want and it puts them in the driving seat and enables them to control others.
Sending out pompousd edicts in advance is ridiculous and draws attention to how self-important the mother is.
I bet secretly she would be disappointed if no-one wanted to hold the baby so she couldn't make a fuss about not allowing it!
I

Original poster
nina3638 · 05/06/2021 17:26

well, success. i went and managed to stand my ground and say no to people holding her and they all understood (except for my grandma who pushed the most to hold her and was annoyed that i wouldn’t let her).

glad i saw people but also glad i haven’t risked my baby by passing her around.

OP posts:
chaosmaker · 05/06/2021 17:31

Great result OP :)

TheTamingOfTheresa · 05/06/2021 17:34

This has reminded me of a dinner invite years ago. I accepted, we had a long chat , then I said “ oh by the way I’m vegetarian “. She rang back the next day and uninvited me. I didnt say anything but 20 years later I can’t believe I didn’t tell her to fuck off. Boundaries x

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 05/06/2021 17:36

Well done! It took me a decade to learn how to stand up for myself as a mother. You are well ahead of schedule.

GorgeousNightingale · 05/06/2021 17:36

well done OP
Hope the cantankerous old boot learns a lesson (though I doubt it)

ARealHoliday · 05/06/2021 17:39

Group message to the family that you’ve been told not to come as you’ve said that you aren’t passing your baby round and want to observe social distancing