‘don’t bother coming if nobody can hold the baby’

[nina3638]

basically my family are having an outdoor get together tomorrow. they’re having the maximum 30 people over in the garden and i said i’ll come but not passing my 9 week baby around as i just think that’s too many people passing her about. she’s only had one set of jabs nevermind covid or anything else.

i said to my grandma i’m not going to pass her around and she said ‘well __ will want to hold her, she loves babies you have to let her hold her’ i said no cause i can’t let one person and say no to everyone else who wants to, that looks rude. and she said well don’t bother coming.

so is this all i’m good for now? nobody wants to just say hi and catch up with me anymore, i’m only worth coming if i’ll pass my baby around?

I couldn't pump either. What I used to do in these situations is get my partner to look after the baby for an hour and leave to go straight after a feed. Mine were colic though so I had a good excuse not to bring them if anyone asked.

@DingDongThongs

her family don't seem that nice- personally I'd pass.

You can't/couldn't express? What has that issue got to do with this?

Breast-pads?

You do realise OP isn't you?

OP how much do you want to go? Could always make an appearance they have to go as the baby needs you :)

I'm just saying the "just" express comments are a bit ignorant to how easy it is just just randomly pump for 1 meal. Esp when all people have to do is respect the parents rules.

@nina3638 I do think most people understand. I love squishy babies but I've held my bf's 9 month old twice. First having gone into the bathroom, washed hands, got entirely redressed, wiped down bathroom, washed hands and put on the mask she picked. The second time, outside, having done a lateral flow. No one with any common sense expects you to play pass the parcel in a pandemic with a tiny baby

What I used to do in these situations when non-host relatives made you feel like you weren't actually wanted because they only cared about the baby?

Do you really expect all 30 people at the party to want to hold your baby?

What are your concerns when you say she has not had all her vaccinations? Might some of them be carrying diphtheria?

The idea that a “close” family would actually interact with one another like this is utterly alien to me

Yep- though you do get these miserable old battleaxes that just spout bile. Though, why OP just doesn't tell "Grandma" to FO, I don't know....

Jeez- I never understand the passing a baby about as if it is a spliff.
Just nope.
Who wants others babies to hold, and who wants their baby held by strangers?
I’d not go.

Your grandma made a silly, hurtful comment.

Please don't escalate this though. There is no need to contact the host about this.

Go and stick to your guns. If anyone asks, just say that this is the first big gathering you've been to and passing baby around is out of your comfort zone right now. If it was me, I would def deflect this back on to myself, making it my issue. If you say that its for dc's benefit/protection, then people have a license to start debating the issue, trying to trump your authority with theirs. Dont let them do that. Just say you're not comfortable with passing baby round at the moment and then change subject.

Anyone who pushes this will look like a fool.

Congrats on your new baby.

Even without covid I refused the whole 'pass the baby' thing and said she wasn't a dog. (Controversial I know) My second was born in lockdown one so now is too old to be passed about and he would not be having any of it either.
Its a horrible position to be in but it's your baby and your choice. X

what does she think it is, pass the parcel?

@Atl2018

Even without covid I refused the whole 'pass the baby' thing and said she wasn't a dog. (Controversial I know) My second was born in lockdown one so now is too old to be passed about and he would not be having any of it either. Its a horrible position to be in but it's your baby and your choice. X

I would pass my dogs around either!

@SleepingStandingUp

What I used to do in these situations when non-host relatives made you feel like you weren't actually wanted because they only cared about the baby?

No I meant in a situation where I didn't want lots of people passing round a few weeks old baby (pre pandemic our weddings/funerals would have hundreds attending). Also agree with PP that people see you as a baby mama for the first few months which is PITA, pandemic or no pandemic.

Well she’s told you the rules
say whuuuut??
she doesnt get to dictate the rules, just ignore this bossy boots

Just don't go.

Problem solved.

her family don't seem that nice- personally I'd pass.

Where do you get that? All we know is that GM isn't that nice. And GM doesn't dictate what happens at a get together that someone else is hosting.

Dont go. Im not usually too much of a fusspot over Covid. But 30 folk is too many.

Why would you want to spend time with these awful people?

@OhGodNotThisAgain

Why would you want to spend time with these awful people?

Again. GM is one person. The OP has given no indication at all that anyone else is awful. These are people that she wants to see.

I would definitely not pass the baby around, I had a baby during covid restrictions too. But I still wouldn't like passing her around even without covid.

Your baby, your choice! And she is INCREDIBLY rude to speak like that in my opinion

If you don’t feel comfortable telling people no then don’t go. Don’t put yourself through the worry and the stress

@oakleaffy

Jeez- I never understand the passing a baby about as if it is a spliff. Just nope. Who wants others babies to hold, and who wants their baby held by strangers? I’d not go.

It's a family party not a random group of strangers in the park. Fair enough if you wouldn't want to hold your niece, grandchild, cousin etc but it's odd you'd consider them stranger territory

Definitely strap her to you and practice your best ‘thanks so much but I’m going to keep her as she’s settled’ line. Not that you should need to be polite, your baby, your choice. But always better to have something prepped. X

How hard is it to just say ‘Best not, under the circumstances!’ if someone asks to hold the baby. They can hardly rip him from your arms.

I remember all these hints and comments from older relatives about what I should be doing with my baby, back in the 1980's, I just ignored them and did what I felt was best for me
and so should you OP

Don't pick him up - he's got covid"?

I'm clearly in the minority here but I think you're being a bit of a princess. Realistically, not everyone will want to hold the baby, surely half of the guests will just come and coo at it for 5 minutes and then turn their attention elsewhere. I've ever only held someone's baby if they've said, 'would you like to hold her?' and I think most people have the same attitude. There's also nothing stopping you from saying 'Because of X Y and Z I'd rather you not hold her, I hope you understand' - and I'm sure most will.