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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘don’t bother coming if nobody can hold the baby’

286 replies

nina3638 · 04/06/2021 14:31

basically my family are having an outdoor get together tomorrow. they’re having the maximum 30 people over in the garden and i said i’ll come but not passing my 9 week baby around as i just think that’s too many people passing her about. she’s only had one set of jabs nevermind covid or anything else.

i said to my grandma i’m not going to pass her around and she said ‘well __ will want to hold her, she loves babies you have to let her hold her’ i said no cause i can’t let one person and say no to everyone else who wants to, that looks rude. and she said well don’t bother coming.

so is this all i’m good for now? nobody wants to just say hi and catch up with me anymore, i’m only worth coming if i’ll pass my baby around?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2021 14:48

@ScissorsBike

Just go alone for a few hours. It would be good for your mental wellbeing to leave her for a bit - there's no need to be surgically attached!
Other than being upset by Nan op hasn't expressed any issues with her mental well-being. Why does she need to leave her 2 month old baby for her mental health?
saraclara · 04/06/2021 14:48

@ComDummings

I wouldn’t bother going after that comment
Except Grandma is only one family member, and the others would like to see OP and the baby. Not going would punish people who don't even know that GM has said this, and would probably be horrified.
thebabessavedme · 04/06/2021 14:49

I would go, any resonable people will understand your position totally, those that dont get it will have to lump it, I'm always up for a cuddle with a new baby but right now I wouldn't take the risk, who knows what anyone of us might be carrying, I certainly would feel terrible guilt if I was to pass covid to a tiny baby.

InkieNecro · 04/06/2021 14:50

@PleasantBirthday

The thing is though, get used to it. Even your own parents will only see you as the baby appendage for a while. I think all new mothers experience this to some degree.

It's hard at the time but you will look back and laugh.

My youngest is 3, I still haven't found it funny to look back on, it was horrible Sad
EnidPrunehat · 04/06/2021 14:50

I tend to the view that it is better not to start by saying what isn't going to happen in these circumstances because you can so easily find yourself on the wrong end of an unecessary hoo-hah. Go, with the baby, but be prepared for a shorter visit and if and when people want to start passing her around just say that right now you'd rather not. If things get silly then come home.

daisyjgrey · 04/06/2021 14:52

I had my daughter 11 years ago (so no pandemic) and my ex-husband had some family members that I reeeally didn't want hoofing the baby around, I used to put her in a sling when we went round, and pretty much got left alone, people tend not to want to bother a baby that is strapped to you in a seemingly complicated arrangement of fabric.

Also, your grandmother is a twat, and I'd not go on principle, and be honest if anyone asked why.

eddiemairswife · 04/06/2021 14:52

I just can't understand some people's desire to hold babies. I had 4 of my own and 5 grandchildren, but never felt the need to hold any stray baby that happened to be around.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/06/2021 14:52

@ScissorsBike

Just go alone for a few hours. It would be good for your mental wellbeing to leave her for a bit - there's no need to be surgically attached!
With DD1, it was absolutely not good for my mental health to leave her for a few hours at 9 weeks old. Hmm I had a complete panic attack when PIL insisted on taking her for a walk and were gone for significantly longer than they said they would be even though they knew I was unhappy about them taking her at all.
BelleBlueBell · 04/06/2021 14:53

@thebabessavedme

I would go, any resonable people will understand your position totally, those that dont get it will have to lump it, I'm always up for a cuddle with a new baby but right now I wouldn't take the risk, who knows what anyone of us might be carrying, I certainly would feel terrible guilt if I was to pass covid to a tiny baby.
I wouldn't go as it's already been made clear that the host absolutely must hold the baby. That's no fun for anyone and it would take a really strong willed person to stick to their guns and potentially spoil the get together
AryaStarkWolf · 04/06/2021 14:53

@nina3638

oh and it’s not her hosting it’s a different relative. but the different relative is the one i mentioned in the original post who absolutely ‘must’ hold the baby
Can you contact the relative who's hosting and explain that you really want to come and see everyone but you don't feel comfortable leaving anyone hold the baby because of covid etc and see how they react, they might be absolutely fine about it and your grandmother might just be making something out of nothing
FictionalCharacter · 04/06/2021 14:54

I hate this so much - people seem to think a new baby is public property and that they somehow have a right to hold her. Your baby, your decision and you owe other people absolutely nothing.

Winkywonkydonkey · 04/06/2021 14:54

Wear baby in a sling. If that doesn't work, loudly comment about how her nappy is dirty and stinks. Everyone will soon forget about wanting to hold her.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/06/2021 14:54

YANBU OP. Your baby is not there for the entertainment of others and is not a toy to be shared around. I agree with the suggestion of putting her in a sling.

ColinTheCat · 04/06/2021 14:55

We went to an event recently, 15 people. I told OH before hand that I didn't want to pass the baby around (6 weeks old). After we'd been there a few hours I felt differently. I let 2 people have a hold. There wasn't any pressure from anyone to do so though.

godmum56 · 04/06/2021 14:57

@ComDummings

I wouldn’t bother going after that comment
me either, what a nasty comment. I am a non parent who used to manage a young team in the NHS. New Mum team members would often pop in over lunch to show off the latest cutie. It was always the mums choice who and whether to let bay be held by others and none of us would have dreamed of insisting its just plain rude.
Roystonv · 04/06/2021 14:58

Agree with other posters; have a chat with the host .... you would love a catch up but Gran has got you worried and are they happy to support your decision 're no passing baby around.

StormcloakNord · 04/06/2021 14:58

This used to do my bloody head in.

Get your filthy hands off my baby ffs Grin

But yes, I'd be really offended and upset if I was told not to come to a party because I refused to hand round my living breathing little human like a fucking party favour.

Just don't show up, and make it clear you assumed you weren't welcome because you wouldn't be playing pass the parcel with your baby.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/06/2021 15:00

@StormcloakNord

This used to do my bloody head in.

Get your filthy hands off my baby ffs Grin

But yes, I'd be really offended and upset if I was told not to come to a party because I refused to hand round my living breathing little human like a fucking party favour.

Just don't show up, and make it clear you assumed you weren't welcome because you wouldn't be playing pass the parcel with your baby.

tbf though it wasn't even the host of the party who said that, it was grandma who doesn't speak for everyone I presume
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 04/06/2021 15:01

white baby vest, sharpie.

"no touching, there is a pandemic, you know" in big letters?

Tubs11 · 04/06/2021 15:01

I think you should go, people might be more respectful than you think. If someone asks to hold the baby just say you're not comfortable with it due to the pandemic. I'm sure people will understand your reasonings, I know I would.

StormcloakNord · 04/06/2021 15:02

@AryaStarkWolf in which case I'd be sending a message round to everyone just saying I was excited to see them all but just wanted to mention due to lack of vacc's and COVID that I wouldn't be passing the baby around, then take it from there.

Middleofthenight2 · 04/06/2021 15:03

I agree with the sling, if people ask say not now she's sleeping/content/cuddling Mummy.

C152 · 04/06/2021 15:05

I wouldn't let up to 30 different people hold my 9 week old newborn on the same day, regardless of the potential risk of COVID.

Your choice is to either miss out on the event, or go and be prepared to be firm about no one holding your baby (just say, 'we're not letting anyone hold her until she's a bit older' - you don't have to give a reason or an excuse; she's not a toy there to amuse other people) and ignore anyone rude, like your grandmother appears to be. Personally I would go with option number 2, but it depends how much energy you have.

WellLarDeDar · 04/06/2021 15:05

I think you should talk to the actual host and some of your other family about how you feel. Must feel so rubbish being made to feel like the only reason you're invited is so people can hold your baby like its some sort of party entertainment.

I dont understand why people feel entitled to hold other peoples babies. It's a privilege not a right if a parent lets you, babies are lovely but they are still people nonetheless.

bishbashbosh99 · 04/06/2021 15:05

I think she's being a bit of a dick but also I'm not sure what the magic number is for your baby to be passed to. I bloody love passing my own around so I can have a break (aka get drunk🤣)

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