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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘don’t bother coming if nobody can hold the baby’

286 replies

nina3638 · 04/06/2021 14:31

basically my family are having an outdoor get together tomorrow. they’re having the maximum 30 people over in the garden and i said i’ll come but not passing my 9 week baby around as i just think that’s too many people passing her about. she’s only had one set of jabs nevermind covid or anything else.

i said to my grandma i’m not going to pass her around and she said ‘well __ will want to hold her, she loves babies you have to let her hold her’ i said no cause i can’t let one person and say no to everyone else who wants to, that looks rude. and she said well don’t bother coming.

so is this all i’m good for now? nobody wants to just say hi and catch up with me anymore, i’m only worth coming if i’ll pass my baby around?

OP posts:
Chasanddive · 04/06/2021 15:25

I wouldn’t be going to such a large event at the moment especially with a small baby plus older grandparents. The cases are on the rise. My kids school have sent my 2 home to isolate as there has been an outbreak within the school. Another 2 schools in my area have closed. I really wouldn’t chance it

Cadent · 04/06/2021 15:25

@Bluntness100

Well she’s told you the rules, either go and let them hold the baby or don’t go. So don’t go. I’d not be handing round my baby either. So I’m with you on that.
Grandma doesn't get to make the rules and need to butt out
jumpbounce · 04/06/2021 15:26

Given that social distancing hasn't been removed yet even though people are allowed huge numbers in their gardens of course I wouldn't be passing my baby around because I would/should be distanced from others.
I probably just wouldn't go after what has already been said. I don't think any new mother should be made to feel bad for not wanting to pass her baby around covid or no covid.

PandemicPalava · 04/06/2021 15:27

Maybe she said it in the hope that this would make you change your mind about passing the baby around… Call her bluff and stay at home. It sounds like it would be risky anyway

FuckPolitenessSSDGM · 04/06/2021 15:28

I wouldn't go. It sounds like if you do go no one will respect your boundaries and will be all over you and your baby. Your grandma has been so rude already. People can be so insensitive.

chesterelly · 04/06/2021 15:28

Contact the host and say "Grandma has said I shouldn't come to your do if I'm not prepared to play pass the parcel with baby. I hope you understand why I'm reluctant to do this with rising COVID numbers & her not having all her jags yet. so if I do come it'll be on the proviso that no one holds her so I'm not seen to be playing favourites. I hope you understand. Maybe we can arrange a date for you to visit us at home and you can give her a cuddle when there's just you there"
Get the host on side and anyone else who you know would support your position, get them to say "Nina is being so sensible and such a good mum. COVID brings a whole level of extra worry for new parents" v loudly in Grandma's earshot.

Faultymain5 · 04/06/2021 15:29

I can't wait to get so old, to be so rude, insensitive and downright cantankerous.

Don't go.

JonahofArk · 04/06/2021 15:29

Is your gran the host? Are you going to her house? If yes, then I wouldn't go, and if no, I'd ignore her and go, and do what I pleased when it came to my child.

Crinkle77 · 04/06/2021 15:29

@Holly60

Or could your partner take a book and stay in car with baby - if anyone asks baby is sleeping and you don’t want to disturb
That is a bonkers idea. Don't know where you are but it's roasting here so no way they cousit in the car. Plus it would look odd.
DPotter · 04/06/2021 15:30

Contact the host and explain to her that because of covid you can't let anyone hold the baby and please can she help you explain that to everyone - get her on side. If that's a problem for her then best not to go. If she says OK but when you get there, pressure is applied 'oh come on just a quick cuddle' then take and baby and go home.

If you don't trust them not to try and pressure you in to letting them hold the baby, then just don't go. There'll be other meet ups

Enwi · 04/06/2021 15:31

Only on mumsnet would people be criticising your parenting choices and telling you to leave your baby at home rather than agreeing that yes, it is incredibly rude and unkind to uninvite you from a social gathering because you’re being cautious.

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2021 15:32

This is definitely a baby wearing moment. But don’t bother saying hello to grandma.

wildeverose · 04/06/2021 15:32

@Holly60

Or could your partner take a book and stay in car with baby - if anyone asks baby is sleeping and you don’t want to disturb
It's boiling hot - can't expect a bloke and a baby to sit in the car for a couple hours!
Normando91 · 04/06/2021 15:35

This pisses me right off. I’m due in the next fortnight and have had family/friends message asking to do things once baby is here, have family wanting to come and stay over as they live quite far etc. I’ve had to be firm and say sorry but I don’t want baby around too many people until he’s at the very least had all his vaccines and would rather not be passing him around everyone considering we are in the middle of a pandemic.

I don’t understand how anyone can possibly not understand that?!

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 04/06/2021 15:37

@Normando91

This pisses me right off. I’m due in the next fortnight and have had family/friends message asking to do things once baby is here, have family wanting to come and stay over as they live quite far etc. I’ve had to be firm and say sorry but I don’t want baby around too many people until he’s at the very least had all his vaccines and would rather not be passing him around everyone considering we are in the middle of a pandemic.

I don’t understand how anyone can possibly not understand that?!

Quite.
Rockbird · 04/06/2021 15:37

I adore babies and would love a hold of a newborn. But I'm also respectful of the fact that babies aren't there to be passed round and the pandemic.

In your shoes I'd be pissed off with Gran but as you actually want to go, I'd keep baby in a sling and just politely tell people that you won't be passing them round. If it does get too much then make a run for it but I suspect most people will be fine and understand.

sarah13xx · 04/06/2021 15:39

Oh no! I fear this might end up being my situation.. we have a family wedding when DS is around the same age. Have no idea what covid numbers will be doing by then but he’s not being passed round half the wedding 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m already thinking of limiting it to our close family only who holds him when he arrives and saying to friends to meet him outside and ideally not hold him 🙈 it’s so hard to draw the line and people are so pushy when it comes to babies!

squirrelnutkins1 · 04/06/2021 15:39

That's so rude! I agree with sling or pram. Hope you're ok OP X

IntermittentParps · 04/06/2021 15:39

Do you know she's speaking for this other relative?
Could it just be her own view, and everyone else if you say 'I'm hanging on to BabyNina because of germs, you know how it is,' will just shrug and think fair enough and not make a thing of it?

WeAllHaveWings · 04/06/2021 15:40

It isn't her house so not her place to revoke the invite.

If you want to go then go and just tell anyone that asks that covid guidelines for such young newborns is they should be kept away from other people (no-one is going to look it up and check!) and you can't wait until they are lifted and everyone gets to know your dd.

Personally, in current pandemic, I wouldn't be going to a large gathering with a newborn.

randomlyLostInWales · 04/06/2021 15:40

IME a sling will help put people off passing baby around.

Oddly a baby that screamed until held by me or occasionally DH didn't.

MoiraNotRuby · 04/06/2021 15:43

Just go and don't pass the baby round. Don't over complicate things.

I love cuddling babies if their parents want a break, but I respect thats not always the case!

IEat · 04/06/2021 15:46

It really will be all the baby until they’re 7 or so

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/06/2021 15:47

@RuthTopp

She told you not to come , so don't. I would put my baby at risk , or myself frankly. She has shown you her true colours. Believe her.
This.

I'm sorry to have to say this, but she is a Horrible Grandma.

Stanleysaysyes · 04/06/2021 15:47

Havent rtft but you are being entirely reasonable op in current circumstances. Its totally understandable that you are cautious and protective. I just wouldnt attend and let them get on with it.

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