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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘don’t bother coming if nobody can hold the baby’

286 replies

nina3638 · 04/06/2021 14:31

basically my family are having an outdoor get together tomorrow. they’re having the maximum 30 people over in the garden and i said i’ll come but not passing my 9 week baby around as i just think that’s too many people passing her about. she’s only had one set of jabs nevermind covid or anything else.

i said to my grandma i’m not going to pass her around and she said ‘well __ will want to hold her, she loves babies you have to let her hold her’ i said no cause i can’t let one person and say no to everyone else who wants to, that looks rude. and she said well don’t bother coming.

so is this all i’m good for now? nobody wants to just say hi and catch up with me anymore, i’m only worth coming if i’ll pass my baby around?

OP posts:
LaBellina · 04/06/2021 15:07

I'd contact her and say I'm excited to come but as I'm sure you understand I'm planning on keeping baby Fred with me as she's so young. Am I still welcome as gran suggested you didn't want me unless you could hold Fred

^^ this!!
I would do this. And make sure everyone else knows too how rude your grandmother treats a young mother for not wanting to pass around her baby. She sounds like a nasty person and I would find it hard to get past this.

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2021 15:07

Do you usually accept invitations on a negative? If it bothers you that much then maybe better not to go as people will ask.

Treezan82 · 04/06/2021 15:07

YANBU xxxx

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2021 15:08

Yeah good one @LaBellina keep the drama going. Hmm

5475878237NC · 04/06/2021 15:09

I think you will be pressured into having to repeatedly justify wanting to protect your baby so wouldn't go.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 04/06/2021 15:09

What a spiteful comment from your gran! I don't blame you for being upset about that. I think it would be a shame if you didn't go to see other family members and have them meet your baby from a distance. Honestly, I'd go with your baby, let the host know what your grandmother said just to avoid any awkwardness during the party and completely ignore your grandmother. That was such a rude thing to say. Surely nobody is daft enough to kick up a stink about not passing a baby around at the moment? It's bad enough when there's no pandemic with every fucker thinking they've got the right to hold a near-stranger's baby

MumInBrussels · 04/06/2021 15:09

@ScissorsBike

Just go alone for a few hours. It would be good for your mental wellbeing to leave her for a bit - there's no need to be surgically attached!
She's breastfeeding and her baby is 9 weeks old. In what world do you think leaving her baby for several hours would be good for her mental health?
Rosieandjim04 · 04/06/2021 15:10

Must be PFB pandemic aside, I would be happy if people wanted to hold my baby. I could have a break!!!

LaBellina · 04/06/2021 15:11

@BarbarianMum

Yeah good one *@LaBellina* keep the drama going. Hmm
The only one who is trying to start drama now is you with that comment.
Deadringer · 04/06/2021 15:12

Why are people so precious about this stuff, and i don't mean the op, but a lot of pps. This is your family op, who presumably you love and want to spend time with. If so go and enjoy yourself and don't allow the baby to be passed around, that's your perogative, it's unlikely that anyone will try to wrestle the child from you.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 04/06/2021 15:12

I wouldn't go. Best way to avoid everything.

Couchbettato · 04/06/2021 15:12

Second the sling option.

If you want to go, go.

Honestly who does your grandma think she is?

She sounds like an entitled spoiled brat and if she was my grandma I'd be telling her as much too, but probably in fewer, more colourful words.

SueSaid · 04/06/2021 15:12

@eddiemairswife

I just can't understand some people's desire to hold babies. I had 4 of my own and 5 grandchildren, but never felt the need to hold any stray baby that happened to be around.
Me neither. I liked my own obviously but never quite got the 'can I have a hold' culture around newborns.

Just go and say no if anyone asks then change the subject. Your grandma sounds a right one.

SilverGoblin · 04/06/2021 15:12

Does the host live locally.

Can you get her round to yours for a baby cuddle or arrange to show up early on the day for one so she feels special. Maybe make her into your co conspirator who will help run interference for you where other relatives are concerned.

But first, straight out ask her what she thinks about what GM says and tell her your fears as that may be enough to get her on side. I am assuming that she is a reasonable person so treat her with trust and see if that that gets you anywhere.

I know, not showing up, flouncing, causing a big stink or telling nan to fuck off makes for an entertaining thread for other people to read but maybe try talking first. Hopefully, as your family, they care about you and might be open to helping you tactfully approach this.

Best of luck to you, hope you get sorted and have a nice time.

RedcurrantPuff · 04/06/2021 15:13

I think not allowing anyone to hold her is maybe a bit precious but I can’t stand it when babies are passed around like a game of bloody pass the parcel

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2021 15:13

Well she’s told you the rules, either go and let them hold the baby or don’t go. So don’t go. I’d not be handing round my baby either. So I’m with you on that.

Ormally · 04/06/2021 15:16

"so is this all i’m good for now? nobody wants to just say hi and catch up with me anymore"

It's said that during the pregnancy you feel it's all about you, the moment that is concluded, it's all about the baby (not by me, but there is more than a grain of truth in it).

I would feel very exposed with 30 people and an obligation to keep saying no (one or 2 may not even ask, if there's an opportunity to pick her up).

A pram I have seen has a little sign that says 'I am cute and cuddly, as you can see. But please ask first, before touching me.' I thought it quite a good idea and assumed it's there for a reason I don't know.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2021 15:17

I'd go to the party, stay outside, just tell anyone who wants to hold her that they can't because you don't want to take any risks. If anyone can't cope with that they aren't worth talking to. And I mean your grandma here

Tistheseason17 · 04/06/2021 15:18

Sling , or breastfeed constantly!
And you can say no politely. Their problem is not yours. See the people you want to, then leave.

Cadent · 04/06/2021 15:20

Your grandma is not hosting needs to keep her bloody beak out!

This would make determined to go and avoid the cow.

Peppapeg · 04/06/2021 15:21

It sounds like grandmother is saying that rather than the host saying it directly, I wouldn't assume she feels that way too. She may have mentioned ah it'll be nice to have a cuddle or whatever, but it doesn't mean she has said I hope she doesn't bother coming otherwise. Still not very nice from grandmother, and of course you're under no obligation to pass baby around, but if you genuinely want to go don't be put off by a comment from one person out of 30.

Bibidy · 04/06/2021 15:21

I'd either go without the baby, or not go at all. I think you've got the perfect excuse not to attend given that your baby is so little, but if you do attend and take her I think you can expect some awkwardness having to tell people they can't hold her.

Not that you are wrong to do so, but it's pretty much 100% guaranteed that people will ask you so I'd just rather avoid it completely.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/06/2021 15:22

@Bluntness100

Well she’s told you the rules, either go and let them hold the baby or don’t go. So don’t go. I’d not be handing round my baby either. So I’m with you on that.
They're not her rules to make though, she isn't even hosting so why shouldn't the OP go and see her family like she wants to do?
AGirlCalledJohnny · 04/06/2021 15:24

@eddiemairswife

I just can't understand some people's desire to hold babies. I had 4 of my own and 5 grandchildren, but never felt the need to hold any stray baby that happened to be around.
God, really? I’d push you out of the way to get to one. If my youngest had ever slept, I’d probably have kept going until my uterus collapsed.

But also, fuck that.

Xmassprout · 04/06/2021 15:24

Babies aren't little dollies that are there for people's entertainment. Some babies are happy to be passed around, some aren't. And that's perfectly OK. Some parents are happy with their baby being passed around and some aren't. And again, that is perfectly OK.

I totally agree with wearing a sling, that was my go to at family gatherings. People are less grabby when you're wearing a sling. If baby is asleep in something like a pram, sometimes people will just grab them without giving a crap if they wake them or startle them