To wonder what everyone is so busy with?

[JT1994]

Or am I just too sociable? I’m 27 and the only single friend but not desperately seeking a relationship. I seem to be, 95% of the time, the only one suggesting plans/enthusiastic about actually doing ANYTHING. I work ful time Monday to Friday, as do most of my friends, except one who doesn’t work much but still never has time or makes effort to see us. She goes off on weekends with her partner which is cool but during the week I’m not sure what she’s so busy with as she has recently moved to the area and isnt hanging out with lots of other friends. It just seems like she can’t really be bothered or just doesn’t want to hang out?

And other friends have other things on top of work (no kids yet) as do I.. but it seems like maybe I just prioritise friends and socialising and doing fun stuff more? Especially now the weather is good. And it’s not that I’m suggesting big wild nights out, that’s not what any of us are really into. Would just love to feel like people are actually keen and enthusiastic for things. I get so excited for an evening at the beach with a bbq or picnic and my friends and to some of them it just seems like they’d prefer to be sat at home watching tv or scrolling social media???

Sometimes the group chat actually really gets me down, purely because I feel like it takes the joy out of things for me, kinda p*ssing on my bonfire feeling. I love my friends but I wish they’d be a bit more enthusiastic and excited and keen about things! Do they just use all that up on their boyfriends or what? Maybe I’ll find out eventually

I'm busy every night. Usually enjoying my own company!

"@Taliskerskye I was eternally grateful when I was dumped on from a great height that I had a fucking good set of pals. I wouldn’t have coped on my own".

I think you would have @Talisk. You are made of strong stuff. Glad you had your friends there for you.

I think it’s finding people with mutual interests and maybe being comfortable doing your own thing. I had a couple of friends that sound like you who were always wanting to spend time with me I suspect it was because they didn’t like being alone but it was at times just watching tv on sitting in a pub on a quiet Monday with nothing to chat about because I’d spent the weekend with her . I’ve always been comfortable with my own company I can easily ‘ entertain ‘ myself .
Over those years those friends are no longer friends but we are different their idea of friends is you spend all your free time with but that’s not my idea .
Join clubs if you don’t just like relaxing at home as that’s what some people enjoy just pottering about at home there is nothing wrong with it but we are all different .

@Taliskerskye

I was a bit at date nights when you’re childfree. I think they’re mostly twaddle anyway, but I can see how kids might stop you just going to the pub or something. But date nights for childfree is worrying sign of a relationship impo!

but it seems like maybe I just prioritise friends and socialising and doing fun stuff more?

Yep. I'm like you OP and my social life and getting out and about meeting people is important to me. A lot of people would rather just stay home and watch TV or maybe spend their money on other things. I made a big effort a few years ago to join some different groups and have thankfully made more likeminded friends now.

Just wanted to add that you seem like a lovely person and being sociable and making time for people is a fantastic trait in a person so don't let some of the more nasty comments here get you down!

[quote Taliskerskye]@Gwenhwyfar
That doesn’t make much sense. I said make new friends always. Even if I moved away I would.
But if you’re the type of person who relays on your dp and your children and doesn’t nurture friendships, how’s that going to change if you move. Unless you move on your own, which is basically my point.

Friends even if they’re miles away are there for you when you need them.[/quote]
I thought you were arguing more that friends will always be there. My point is that they won't, they change through life and if you are dumped you'll have to make new ones, just like if you moved away.
In any case, it's important to keep friends anyway. I think most of us can agree with that.

I see all sides here. When I was in my mid to late twenties, before I had kids, i was out after work most nights and up for doing stuff all weekend. Eventually everyone else's situations started to change, whether it was work, relationships, children and I ended up feeling like one of those yappy dogs dropping a ball at their feet always begging them to play with me. I got bored of it so started going out and doing stuff on my own where I made more friends.
I was the first one in my first friendship group to have kids (although I was single) and I started seeing much less of everyone. Stuff was organised by others and I just couldn't go. Before covid, we had all reached the stage where we only met up for special occasions like birthdays. Never during the week and never spontaneously for no reason. That's where we are now.
I always thought that when covid restrictions started easing up, I would be really excited to start making plans with the various groups. And they have all been organising things, but I don't want to go, and I don't know why.
The two occasions I went out, I was miserable and just wanted to be home with my partner and kids. Going out and doing things with other people feels like such a drain and I really don't want to. I'm hoping this will pass at some point though.

OP, I totally get you. I'm a very social person and I love and look forward to hanging out with friends. This past year has been awful for me, sitting bored at home. And I'm married with 1DC.

I do agree with some comments who say that being in a couple does have a social element to it, we chat, crack jokes whilst watching TV, having dinner etc. Which of course you wouldn't do if you were single.

Ignore the people here who basically say their DH and DCs are the only people they are interested in hanging with. All you have to do is scroll through the relationship forum to find women who are posting on MN because they have no one to talk to in real life, have no friends, want to leave their husbands but no where to go etc.

@Imnothereforthedrama it’s not at all that I don’t like being alone or just pottering around, I don’t want to be with my friends 24/7! I’m literally talking about just the odd evening or weekend. I love spending time on my own and pottering at home but I also love spending time with friends

I'd much rather be home with my DH watching TV most nights than faffing with a beach BBQ.

On a weekend maybe but not during the week.

Just want to get in from work and enjoy my home and DH and chill.

I think that's the difference is that your friends are in couples. Much less need to get out if you have company and comfort at home. X

Think you've been given a REALLY hard time here OP.
Some friends are very lazy. In time you'll find friends who reciprocate as much as you do.
I have 5 friends and it's balanced, the amount of effort we put in is equal. That's rare. We've talked about it recently.

@FaceAcher
Are you 27
In any case you’re unkind. What an unkind thing to say,
Smug central. When your relationship goes tits up remember this post.

@Oblomov21

Think you've been given a REALLY hard time here OP. Some friends are very lazy. In time you'll find friends who reciprocate as much as you do. I have 5 friends and it's balanced, the amount of effort we put in is equal. That's rare. We've talked about it recently.

I don't think anyone is giving OP a hard time, but I think it's probably the wrong crowd. Most on here are married mothers and not young and single. I'm middle-aged and single so I'm closer to OP's mentality, but still not able to go out as often. It's even worse being in my situation imo. You're lonely, but you don't have that much energy to go out all the time.

Christ, some people on here... talk about being old before their time...

OP some of us us 30+ year olds are still quite fun you know!

OP I’m 32 and single with a dog, if you were in south London I’d be your friend but I’m guessing you’re nowhere near if you live close to a beach!

I completely disagree with you Gwenwydar. She had been called needy and demanding.

It's about mental effort. I can text, WhatsApp, messenger someone 20 times, despite the fact I can't meet her this week. I could phone.

I'm free most week nights, and most weekends, if I check with Dh, out of politeness, to meet a friend/ group of friends.

This ...., not being able to meet:

unless you've got a newborn/working late investment banker/ no time because you are running 15 different companies and also running the local holy communion, is just bullshit. And even then, you could text.

"Christ, some people on here... talk about being old before their time..."

Yep. 30 is the new 300!

I am busy. It’s just not socialising with people who aren’t going to really progress my life. That’s doesn’t mean I hate them or I never want to hang out, but at the end of the day I’d rather work on things that will provide me with a better future or personal fulfilment or achievement than sit around having yet another beer.

People are different. This shouldn’t be surprising.

@Oblomov21

I completely disagree with you Gwenwydar. She had been called needy and demanding.

It's about mental effort. I can text, WhatsApp, messenger someone 20 times, despite the fact I can't meet her this week. I could phone.

I'm free most week nights, and most weekends, if I check with Dh, out of politeness, to meet a friend/ group of friends.

This ...., not being able to meet:

unless you've got a newborn/working late investment banker/ no time because you are running 15 different companies and also running the local holy communion, is just bullshit. And even then, you could text.

Ok. I must have missed the insults. For me, I have to say that after so long under lockdown, texts wouldn't do much. I want to meet people now. Luckily, I have friends who do too, though only on the weekends and arranging it is still hard work.

Well it does seem a bit sad. When I was 27 some friends were in couples and some weren't but we all still hung out at the pub several nights a week, went away camping, bbqs, cinema, theatre, house parties. It slowed down after that as people were buying houses and spending their weekends at B&Q or saving for their wedding or some such adult thing. The run up to 30 is a bit of a transition period for many. Looks like you're going to need new friends to supplement the current ones who don't have much interest in socialising now.

Being "busy" is just the 2021 excuse for "I don't want to".

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to, but there is with obfuscating and lying.

WTF?

"I’d rather work on things that will provide me with a better future or personal fulfilment or achievement than sit around having yet another beer."

No. That's career progression. Linking in with Boris and his Eton types.

Wanting to better yourself by hanging out with people in an upper echelon. Good luck with that.

The rest of us just make friends. With people that we like.

I agree, it seems a bit dull - when I was 27 I was out practically every night. It was a rare night that I was in my flat. And I was coupled up. But I had different groups of friends, my sister, my bf and would go out with workmates too. Weekends were full too.

I don't know if it's covid that's made your friends less keen to go out OP or something else. Maybe they are just introverts who need their own space. I am much older now and find it difficult to go out every night - kids and a full on job and less tolerance to alcohol mean I don't have the stamina I used to. Still love going out though.

I agree with Daph.
If you don't want to , just have the bollocks to say no thanks, I don't want to.