DP and trans child...what to do?

[Fiddlediddleriddle]

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

@NotBadConsidering that’s one extreme case - it doesn’t justify your disgusting transphobia. Honestly it’s not worth talking to people like you I’m sorry I engaged.

Bizawiz how many cases are enough to see that this poses a safeguarding risk to women and girls?

Seeking to safeguard women and girls is not transphobia nor is it disgusting.

Throwing the rights of women and girls under the bus to solve a problem concerning male violence is what is disgusting.

@NotBadConsidering I’d really caution against using one or two headlines and using them to fear and hate monger. The incidents are of course deplorable. We see similar things with islamaphobia, people hold up headlines of terrorism and use it to justify hate towards Muslims.

With regards to the issue of toilets and changing rooms, I return to my point about gender neutral spaces. A lot if not all of public places have them, either as designated unisex spaces or as disabled facilities. But I don’t think this issue should be blown up to be bigger than it is

@NotBadConsidering I’d really caution against using one or two headlines and using them to fear and hate monger. The incidents are of course deplorable. We see similar things with islamaphobia, people hold up headlines of terrorism and use it to justify hate towards Muslims

Exactly 💜

[quote Bizawit]**@NotBadConsidering I’d really caution against using one or two headlines and using them to fear and hate monger. The incidents are of course deplorable. We see similar things with islamaphobia, people hold up headlines of terrorism and use it to justify hate towards Muslims

Exactly 💜[/quote]
But you see the thing is this is exactly what the TRAs do, they say that transwomen are unsafe. in this country transwomen are pretty much in the safest demographic. If transwomen were being attacked then it would be all over the papers, yet this doesn't happen (thankfully).

But on a fairly regular basis there are articles about trans identifying males committing sexual offences and often these crimes are being recorded as women's crimes.

Again why should women have to put themselves at risk to solve a problem of male violence?

And by the way TRA's are not satisfied with third spaces. They want affirmation.

Bizawit and Sleeplessem, whose feelings would you have prioritised at my daughter’s school?

The feelings of a female classmate who wanted guaranteed access to single-sex loos and changing rooms to avoid panic attacks after being raped?

Or the feelings of a male classmate, newly identifying as female, who wanted access to those same facilities?

Both nice, non hateful kids, by the way.

Not hypothetical.

Who should ‘be kind’ here?

@lifeturnsonadime

Bizawiz how many cases are enough to see that this poses a safeguarding risk to women and girls?

Seeking to safeguard women and girls is not transphobia nor is it disgusting.

Throwing the rights of women and girls under the bus to solve a problem concerning male violence is what is disgusting.

The answer to this is always n + 1, n being the number of cases of women/girls being attacked.

[quote Bizawit]@NotBadConsidering that’s one extreme case - it doesn’t justify your disgusting transphobia. Honestly it’s not worth talking to people like you I’m sorry I engaged.[/quote]
@Bizawit and @Sleeplessem

How many cases would it take for you to care about eroding safeguarding?

www.womenarehuman.com/category/crime/

Scroll through, take your time, read all of the reports.

If you saw a male entering a space with a 10 year old girl, how could you be sure it wasn’t any of the multitude of males listed on that website, or any chancer who might take advantage of your lax attitude to safeguarding?

Accusations of transphobia are pointless. It’s male violence that is the issue.

The answer to this is always n + 1, n being the number of cases of women/girls being attacked.

I know, it is so depressing.

The big lie here is that transwomen are more at risk than women and girls. The stats just don't play this out, yet the TRAs have convinced women that they need to be 'kind' to protect transwomen.

Trans people of all genders are extremely vulnerable to violence and discrimination- this is not a case of isolated incidents, it’s systematic , and people like you are enabling it

Please can you link specific examples of this violence and discrimination in this country in the last 12 months? Presumably there will be news articles and convictions to support this statement.

Well, that’s nice.

Did you read what I wrote?

Also @NotBadConsidering even if your policing of toilet spaces was justified (which it isn’t) how on earth do you suggest policing it? Genital inspections at the door? Or perhaps a dna test?

Anyways I have better things to do with my day than argue with people on the internet!

So I take it you would prioritise the anxious male trans child over the anxious female raped child?

That’s clear enough, I suppose, but sadly sexist.

Anyways I have better things to do with my day than argue with people on the internet!

In other words I cannot back up my statements with evidence so I'm not going to bother to engage any more.

And @DodoPatrol your daughter has absolutely no business asking about anyone else’s genitals. I’m sorry you are raising her to be just as hateful as you

You are very obsessed with genitals @Bizawit, this is the third time you’ve suggested “inspecting” them now. You know that there are other male/female signifiers, don’t you?

@Bizawit

Also *@NotBadConsidering* even if your policing of toilet spaces was justified (which it isn’t) how on earth do you suggest policing it? Genital inspections at the door? Or perhaps a dna test?

Anyways I have better things to do with my day than argue with people on the internet!

Alternatively, just keep safeguarding in place and make sure society knows males cannot be in female spaces? It hasn’t required genital inspections or DNA tests ever since single sex spaces were decided upon, so there’s no need to start now, thankfully.

@DodoPatrol

So I take it you would prioritise the anxious male trans child over the anxious female raped child?

That’s clear enough, I suppose, but sadly sexist.

Yep, the whole trans rights movement is sexist. I feel so sorry for that girl.

I’m baffled by the message that my daughter should not ask people about their genitals. She doesn’t. Why on earth did you think she did, from what I wrote?

Yep! This idea that humans can’t correctly sex each other unless they peer into someone’s pants is utterly ludicrous

And no answer to the very real situation I proposed. It concerns me that some people would knowingly leave a 10 year old girl alone in female public toilets with a stranger male because they wouldn’t want to upset that male’s feelings.

Dodo this is a typical TRA argument, that women are somehow obsessed with genitals.

to your daughter, how did the situation resolve?

Women and girls of all genders are extremely vulnerable to male violence and discrimination. This is not a case of isolated incidents, it’s systematic, and people like you are enabling it.

Yes male violence. Most vAWG is committed by men who they know/ are in intimate relationships with , in private settings. NOT trans teens in public toilets.

And I spend my life doing research / advocacy on violence against women and girls. What do you other than hate on trans people and spread misinformation about how dangerous they are on social media?

LTB. It can't end well. If you don't leave him now, you'll have to do it later.