DP and trans child...what to do?

[Fiddlediddleriddle]

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

Bizawit

If you think that poster is angry, you clearly haven’t read the comments directed to JKR on Twitter from TRAs who clearly had some serious problems with women voicing their opinions about issues affecting them.

I can try to find a link if you like but I warn you, it’s unpleasant, violent and misogynistic reading, and completely disproportionate.

Makes Mummyoflittledragon’s post looks like something Mother Teresa would write.

It sounds awful that you you have to put up with this. It sounds even worse that your daughter has to put up with it too. Having him there is not helping her mental health. She needs to see that you have her back. Kick him out!

@FrippEnos

Taliskerskye

As you say that you are "slightly gender critical" don't you think that this should be discussed fully and openly?

Discussing things like sex and gender and the enforced terminology and labeling of people.

It's a thread where someone has posted for advice as they have what sounds like a bullying partner making their child miserable. Mention the word trans though, and the thread goes the same way they always do. Surely the issue in hand is the partner's behaviour, not the ins and outs of being trans

I know that the statistics (WPATH) show that >80% of children who believe themselves to be trans later desist, often realising they are gay or lesbian. I would always take the supportive ‘watchful waiting’ approach, rather than unquestioning affirmation if my child believes themselves to be trans. I would still leave a partner who wouldn’t/couldn’t put the needs of my child before their own opinions.

Surely the issue in hand is the partner's behaviour, not the ins and outs of being trans

Which is why the vast majority of posters in the first few pages agreed that the partner’s behaviour was unacceptable and didn’t discuss the trans aspect.

Hi all I am so sorry I haven't been able to reply individually dp got up early and I haven't had a chance to yet.

So far I haven't had the opportunity to discuss this with him as the kids have been about most of the day but I am planning to as soon as I can.

I will update ASAP!

Also I have just read all of the new posts and I am so appreciative of all of the them. This is an emotive issue, and I totally understand that a lot of people will understand my dp's take on this but I can also see that everyone has said this doesn't matter what matters is my child which is the way I feel too.

Thank you

You sound better op. Keep your chin up. I decided watch and wait too.

You got this OP. Stay strong.

The trans thing is a red herring imo. Your child is having mental health issues and your DP is making it worse. Your responsibility lies with your child. Get rid of the DP unless he can be 100% supportive of doing what's best for your child.

Good luck OP. It really doesn't matter if he thinks the trans thing is bollocks. I think its bollocks. But it's about respecting someone enough to address them as they want. If they're asking to be addressed as One's Magnificence High Regent of the Underworld then he would have a point but saying she instead of he or changing to a feminine nickname really isn't anything to get wound up over. She'll grow out of it or not but she will always remember that you supported her.

I don't think he's likely to be evil. You've known him many years and been together 8 years and you trusted him enough to bring him into your young kids' lives. However - you fundamentally disagree on this issue. It's not the first time and it won't be the last that a child/step-child is a factor in a break up.

You should leave him of course for the sake of your child but don't burn all bridges. You have another child to whom this man was a /is a step-father.
He has to leave so you can address your child's mental health and you have to put your kids first - but I doubt he's the monster he's being made out to be. Do it calmly - in a "it's better fro everybody way" - and then focus on sorting you child out.

ISeeTheLight

the problem is that in a few years the "trans thing* could well be part of the problem and even making things worse.

I am interested to know. Does he use female toilets or male or disabled when out and about. The same for changing facilities in swimming baths.

@Christmasfairy2020

I am interested to know. Does he use female toilets or male or disabled when out and about. The same for changing facilities in swimming baths.

Why? The OP posted about her partner's treatment of her child and herself, not for strangers to nose about their toilet habits

Why?
The OP posted about her partner's treatment of her child and herself, not for strangers to nose about their toilet habits

I think if you post on a popular forum about your child being trans then those are questions people will ask. Some, like you Quaagers, will think it’s no-one’s business. Others will think it’s absolutely the business of, for example, young girls who may suddenly encounter a male in a space they believed was for women.

Of course it should be discussed. As I said before, surely we’ve moved on now from #nodebate?

@Christmasfairy2020

I am interested to know. Does he use female toilets or male or disabled when out and about. The same for changing facilities in swimming baths.

Omg none of your business where her child goes to the toilet.

Omg none of your business where her child goes to the toilet.

As I said upthread, it is absolutely the business of women who are expecting their single sex spaces to be just that, if a male suddenly starts using them too. You can’t expect people not to want to know.

I feel uncomfortable sharing bathroom spaces with people who are obsessed with what is in a teenagers pants tbh. Seriously, this is not a time and a place for your soapbox. The OP is in a difficult situation and your posts lack any empathy.

@Itwontstopraining

I feel uncomfortable sharing bathroom spaces with people who are obsessed with what is in a teenagers pants tbh. Seriously, this is not a time and a place for your soapbox. The OP is in a difficult situation and your posts lack any empathy.

This! Really not the thread, glad it's not just me.

I feel uncomfortable sharing bathroom spaces with people who are obsessed with what is in a teenagers pants tbh

Don’t be creepy. No one needs to “look in someone’s pants” to correctly work out the sex of a man/post-pubertal boy.

There’s nothing wrong with women wanting same-sex toilets, changing areas and the like.

Really not the thread, glad it's not just me.

Good for you that you’re not bothered. Plenty of women are though. It’s no-one’s place to tell them they can’t discuss it.

But there’s no need or justification for being so angry at trans men as a group/ category of person

I haven't seen any post on this thread expressing concern about transMEN. Oddly enough.

Go with the trend. He/she will grow out of it when the fashion dies down. Don't make drama as that'll make it worse. Act like you're cool and accepting then watch the backtrack 😂