To think this message for my ex dil was condescending?

[fieldsofgold65]

My ex dil sent me a message this morning as I had mentioned to my son that my gd had said her homework wasn't getting done at her mums house.

She sent the following - 'hi fieldsofgold, just off phone from (my sons name) and he mentioned that gd had told you that she doesn't do her homework at my house and that you were concerned that I 'just wasn't bothering'. Just to let you know that gd does do her homework at my house, I have her full time so of course she has to do her homework at my house. I'm not sure why she said that and will discuss with her in the morning, if she feels she is doing too little homework then I can definitely give her more work. She is in top maths and top spelling group at school, and we read every night before bed reading a page each as we go. Her teacher is thrilled with her both socially and academically, she says she is perfectly behaved and a joy to have in class so I am not worried about her in the slightest and her homework is certainly being done x'

I mentioned it to my son out of concern however I wish I hadn't bothered now. Her message has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I find it condescending and a passive aggressive attempt at her telling me to butt out. AIBU?

YABU. Dil did nothing wrong just put you in your place.

Sounds like your DIL is doing a fantastic job. She should be supported and commended, not sneakily criticised. What does your DS do to help?

Just posting for An inevitable reverse or similar sort of threads disappears in flames thing

I actually think the message was measured and calm.

In no way is it condescending you're just one of those MIL's 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Yabu. The message is not condescending at all.
You will spoil things between you and your gd if you continue with stunts like this.

No poll
YABU

I bet she is delighted that you are an ex mother in law. She was far more polite than you deserved

I think she was very polite and I too would be sticking up for myself and my child in her position.
You raised your concern, and you were told not to be concerned and the reasons why. Surely you should be happy now instead of moaning?

Very measured response from DIL fair play she's a better person than I'll ever be. I'd have probably told you to go forth and multiply whilst adding I'd lived with what you raised and your parenting was also far from perfect.

You are 100% the DIL here and your message was spot on and I would have done the same.

It sounds like your son might have not used the right words when he spoke to her. Unless you did use those words. YABU and are lucky she didn't send you back worse.

What's the issue? You were concerned, you spoke to your son about it. He should have had more tact to deal with any issues, if there are any, himself. DIL hasn't done anything wrong, in fact providing a detailed response about exactly how much schoolwork DGD does was kind of her. Both of my children's grandmothers are supportive and kind and offer to sit down and help with homework when we see them. They enjoy it.

OP won't be back 😂

Basically you got what you asked for. Not in the least bit condescending.

Maybe it leaves a bitter taste because she's actually been polite and pleasant in her message..perhaps that's something you struggle with yourself? Anyway YABVVU

I don't even think that's passive aggressive, I think she was (quite rightly) putting you back in your box

I'm a GM who does childcare for my LP DD. My DD'S ex wouldn't know how the children are doing at school. I do, because my DD shares her school report with me. She does the same with their father, but it always seems to get lost.

Be concerned that your Son didn't automatically know how his DD was doing at school. If he hasn't got PR so information can be requested, then kick his arse into gear. If you didn't use the term 'just isn't bothering with homework' then pick him up on that. If you did and your Son plays Disney Dad while she does the grunt work with your GF, then you should both feel ashamed.

How rude. Of you. Based on the information about maths and spelling groups, I am guessing your gd is in infant school. Ime, many children of this age group don't see things like reading as 'homework' and any other homework is often presented as a fun activity rather than a formal piece of work, so your gd may not even understand the term 'homework' the same way you to. In any case, it was not your place to shit stir between your son and his ex. And make no mistake, that is what you did. Her quoting 'just not bothering' shows that very clearly. If you were genuinely concerned, you could have spoken to her directly, instead, you chose to go through your son. Your son who , based on her message (which you don't dispute) has her daughter full time, so no real help or practical support from your son. Maybe your concerns would be better aimed at your son. And rather than calling out your DIL's parenting abolities, address your own, after all, you raised a man who sounds like a poor excuse for a parent.

Adding my voice to the YABU crowd, her message to you was entirely reasonable and your interfering was much ruder.

I wouldn’t have been half as polite as she’s been ..

Thanks everyone, message received.

That was a perfectly nice and polite reply! You should be pleased and relieved your GD is doing so well. I don't know why you are feeling bitter about the message?

Nothing wrong with her reply at all.

If your DIL has her full time how did it come about that she was even left with you on your son’s limited time?