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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this message for my ex dil was condescending?

260 replies

fieldsofgold65 · 03/06/2021 22:28

My ex dil sent me a message this morning as I had mentioned to my son that my gd had said her homework wasn't getting done at her mums house.

She sent the following - 'hi fieldsofgold, just off phone from (my sons name) and he mentioned that gd had told you that she doesn't do her homework at my house and that you were concerned that I 'just wasn't bothering'. Just to let you know that gd does do her homework at my house, I have her full time so of course she has to do her homework at my house. I'm not sure why she said that and will discuss with her in the morning, if she feels she is doing too little homework then I can definitely give her more work. She is in top maths and top spelling group at school, and we read every night before bed reading a page each as we go. Her teacher is thrilled with her both socially and academically, she says she is perfectly behaved and a joy to have in class so I am not worried about her in the slightest and her homework is certainly being done x'

I mentioned it to my son out of concern however I wish I hadn't bothered now. Her message has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I find it condescending and a passive aggressive attempt at her telling me to butt out. AIBU?

OP posts:
FiveGs · 04/06/2021 04:02

That's not a passive aggressive message.

EBathory · 04/06/2021 04:03

Open and run ..........

RealhousewifeofStoke · 04/06/2021 04:05

Nothing passive aggressive about it.
Very clear and explicit.
Butt out.

Helenahandbasket1 · 04/06/2021 04:30

Your ex DIL is a saint. I would have outright told you to fuck off if I was her.

Marchitectmummy · 04/06/2021 04:32

What response did you expect?

I would be very put out by a statement such as yours coming second hand to me, let alone if I was divorced from my husband.

She is correct, performance speaks more than, what I assume by the topics yoy mention, small child's passing comment to a grandparent.

Estasala · 04/06/2021 04:39

I don't think either you or your ex-DIL are U here.

It's great that you are interested in your GD and want to support her academic work. She mentioned something of concern. It was right that you mention it to your DS.

DS then had a few options - speak to GD, check her homework diary, speak to teachers to see if there were any concerns. He should know how she is doing at school from reports and so on, so he should have been able to give you the information that ex-DIL was able to.

Since he was not up-to-date with GD's academic progress, ex-DIL has given you some information that should allay your concerns.

You should be happy - evidently the homework is getting done and GD is doing well at school. That was your concern, wasn't it? Why would the message upset you?

Undertheoldlindentree · 04/06/2021 04:40

YABU.....YABU.....YABU

You are being unnecessary, unpleasant and unreasonable.

RosaBudDrood · 04/06/2021 04:41

She's more polite than i'd have been!

MaMaD1990 · 04/06/2021 04:59

Given she quoted you apparently telling your son 'she just doesn't bother' you should be thankful it wasn't a more scornful message.

starrynight21 · 04/06/2021 05:05

Given that this is your grandchild, why didn't you already know that she is doing very well at school ? Your comment to your son was ridiculous - your DGD's mother is obviously doing a great job, so your comment was simply nasty. If I'd been your ex MIL I'd have said something much stronger !

amylou8 · 04/06/2021 05:07

This is a reverse right??

If I was DIL I wouldn't have graced MIL with a reply. MIL needs to mind her own. DIL wasn't at all rude in the circumstances.

Chalcroft · 04/06/2021 05:28

Yabu. It was quite controlled considering....

RickiTarr · 04/06/2021 05:44

Your DS is severely deficient in tact if he just trotted off and repeated what you said verbatim to his ex wife. I’m guessing you didn’t expect that? At least you’ve learnt a lesson for the future.

Wallywobbles · 04/06/2021 05:45

You scored an own goal by giving your son a stick to beat his ex with.

andivfmakes3 · 04/06/2021 05:50

It's not her that's being the condescending cow...

She put you in your place and you don't like it

Not your child not your business

Groovee · 04/06/2021 05:54

I think your Grandaughter's mum was polite and to the point. However why did your son tell her. Sounds like he was stirring the pot, a bit like you were.

mamamalt · 04/06/2021 05:57

I don't think she sounds condescending at all. Sounds like she's a little irritated at the DC for telling little porkies. Not sure what you're reading into it but I don't think it's there!

KatherineJaneway · 04/06/2021 05:57

Nothing wrong with that reply.

SofiaMichelle · 04/06/2021 05:57

Wow!

I can't believe she was so polite and measured in her reply.

Mine would have been somewhat... different.

QueenOfHighFunctioningBPD · 04/06/2021 06:00

Sounds quite polite to me. She didn't need to do that but she's reassuring you.
Yabu for butting in tbf.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 04/06/2021 06:02

I would have a think about what else your son tells you and whether your son is reasonable here.

DuchessMinnie · 04/06/2021 06:04

Does your son help her at all? She mentions that she has GD full time. I would be really upset if my parenting was criticised when the other parent isn't doing their bit.

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 04/06/2021 06:08

Shes more polite than what I would have been. I feel sorry for her actually, feeling like she has to justify herself to you.

Eviebeans · 04/06/2021 06:30

I think you got lucky at receiving such a polite and measured response - in the days when I was an ex DIL with school age children I wouldn't have stood for that for one second-luckily my ex MIL wouldn't have tried it which is why we are still in contact

CupoTeap · 04/06/2021 06:33

@fieldsofgold65 out of interest, how much homework/reading does your DS do with your GD?

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