Ummm....financial...what do you think...tight or fair play

[Wheelyyyy]

So this covid year meant my income dropped by 11 grand. It stung and it was worrying for many months until i remortagegd my house and put a house loan i had into the mortgage to free up monthly income. So the issue was sorted. But there were many months of fretting, juggling, balancing until I spoke to my bank.

Now i dont live with my DP, he has his own house and own bills. Luckily he is in a very good job. He bought a car outright for ovre 20 grand 3 weeks ago and when i said 'your paying outright, can you cover it' he said yes no sweat. I thought...fair enough.

He has just transferred some money over to his teenager who was looking at his bank account over his dads shoulder....teenage son just commented on the fact his dad had over 6 grand in his current account....

Now i like to pay my own way and Im independant. But AIBU to think....bloody hell! you wrotten sod...you watched me go through all that stress and tears and you could have at least offered to help. The wrotten sod watched me struggle. The annoying this was is that my aunt offered to help but i told her not to worry...id sort it out and just appreciated her support. Thats all i wouldve needed from him....the offer of helping out...I dont know if i wouldve actually taken it but he didnt even help me figure it out...

Am i being a CF? or am i with an absolute unsupportive tightass?

i can honestly say.....i dont understand men

How long have you been with him?

I can understand you feeling upset and angry after all that angst and worry, but whether he should have offered to help or not depends on your relationship eg how long have you been together? Are you both in it for the long haul?

Also, it sounds like you needed a bigger solution than the loan of a few grand.

How long have you been together?

I think it's tight. Especially as it wasn't your fault that your income dropped. Nothing you can say or do but I'd be disappointed.

2 years. I thought we were in it for the long haul..

Tbh I don't think 6 grand is a lot of money. I know people live paycheck to paycheck but if I had 6 grand in my account I wouldn't be considering myself very secure. Depending on how long you've been together and how committed you are I'm really not sure it's his responsibility. If you were on the verge of homelessness then maybe but you did have the means to sort yourself out, you're just less comfortable for having done so
I don't think he should have sacrificed his security for yours, especially when he has children of his own to support. Would you have expected a friend to give you money?

Maybe he was waiting to see if you'd ask? It's a tricky one really. I don't think that you are generally unreasonable to want him to help you though. Especially if you're planning a LT future.

Not enough info really. We don't know how long you've been together, whether you were also trying to support kids, what you're like with money (he clearly saves some of his very good income).

That said I would struggle to watch a partner have to remortgage their house just to pay the bills without at least offering a loan.

You don’t live together. You have separate finances. That means being responsible for your own households. Giving money to a dependent child is completely different.

Why didn’t you ask him if you wanted a loan?

@christina
I think even he just asked me...'are u covered this month for food' wouldve been nice

£6k in his current account is not a lot. Why should he offer? You may have been stressed but you are an independent, earning girlfriend. If you had asked him for help that’s one thing but you want him to know to offer you HIS hard earned money through osmosis for you to then turn him down?

You’re a game player. Ask or don’t ask. The man’s not a mind reader and his finances or how he chooses to spend money he has are not your business any more than yours is his.

We need critical info here to make an informed decision.

How long have you been together? Do you go 50:50 on everything or does he pay proportionally more? Was his income positively / negatively impacted by Covid?

I don't think 2 years is very long if one of those includes the pandemic....it means a year after dating really and that's quite soon to start lending money to someone.

Cross post. I think that’s mean after a year.

You have a house loan because you spend more than you earn. He has savings because he spends less than he earns. Especially at this stage of the relationship you shouldn't spend all your money then look to have his too.

If you couldn’t afford food surely you’d have said something or he’d have noticed?

The communication in your relationship seems to be lacking.

How committed can you be if you can’t talk about things properly?

And I agree, £6k isn’t that much.

Also - it depends if you went from say 21k to 10k or 51k to 40k. If the latter then there is more likely to have been some wiggle room.

I wouldn't be lending out thousands of pounds unless I was very comfortable (£30k savings at the very least).

But yes you're right it would have been nice if he'd helped you figure out a way forward independently and asked if you were ok, had the basics you needed.

@Anne
I didnt want a loan.

I think i wouldve liked a ,'were in it together and we'll figure it out' type
Or a ,are u covered for food, basics

Its the offer from him that im annoyed he didnt when he watched me go through it all.

Nah, two years is not a long time!

Your "house loan" was established before you met him? So it's your responsibility.

Maybe offer to pay more on dates, but not to pick up your debts.

But are you in it together?

Now i like to pay my own way and Im independant

Obviously you don’t and would rather not be independent. Independence doesn’t mean you cover your bills when everything is great. It also means you cover your bills when it’s a struggle too.

You don’t live together. You and your boyfriend have been seeing each other for only 2yrs...during Covid which means hardly at all. You have separate finances. Why do you feel entitled to him supporting you financially?

And, the cherry on top is you did not even ask for help. How was he even supposed to know you were struggling? Or would even accept help from him since you say you are independent and like to pay your own way? Who wouldn’t take your words at face value?

Sorry but YABU

I'm in the same situation as I've been with DP for 2 years but we don't live with each other.

I think if i was really struggling he would offer to help out (loan) but I know he has the means to do so. He would have definitely brought round a food shop and paid for take aways.

@onering

Not cool.
I didnt say i wanted his.

Im a nurse and looked after every person in front of me...which was chaos this year. I wouldve just liked to have known i wasnt on my own.