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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ummm....financial...what do you think...tight or fair play

181 replies

Wheelyyyy · 03/06/2021 21:32

So this covid year meant my income dropped by 11 grand. It stung and it was worrying for many months until i remortagegd my house and put a house loan i had into the mortgage to free up monthly income. So the issue was sorted. But there were many months of fretting, juggling, balancing until I spoke to my bank.

Now i dont live with my DP, he has his own house and own bills. Luckily he is in a very good job. He bought a car outright for ovre 20 grand 3 weeks ago and when i said 'your paying outright, can you cover it' he said yes no sweat. I thought...fair enough.

He has just transferred some money over to his teenager who was looking at his bank account over his dads shoulder....teenage son just commented on the fact his dad had over 6 grand in his current account....

Now i like to pay my own way and Im independant. But AIBU to think....bloody hell! you wrotten sod...you watched me go through all that stress and tears and you could have at least offered to help. The wrotten sod watched me struggle. The annoying this was is that my aunt offered to help but i told her not to worry...id sort it out and just appreciated her support. Thats all i wouldve needed from him....the offer of helping out...I dont know if i wouldve actually taken it but he didnt even help me figure it out...

Am i being a CF? or am i with an absolute unsupportive tightass?

OP posts:
Movealongmovealong · 03/06/2021 22:33

Also it was £6 k in his current account. I would guess , if he bought a 20k car outright then he has quite a bit more in his savings... which just means he is prudent with money and doesn't offer it out to someone he isn't that committed to yet. Not saying that it would always be that way - but certainly until you were more together. ie cohabiting or married.

idontlikealdi · 03/06/2021 22:33

6k isn't a lot of you have 6k committed outgoings each month. I have more than 6 in my current account at the beginning of the month. Circumstances are all different.

Did you tell him you couldn't cover food? Given covid you really haven't been together long in a functional relationship.

If you rely on the bank shifts to keep your income high perhaps you should consider changing from bank as never guaranteed.

Elbels · 03/06/2021 22:33

I agree that £6000 is not a 'more than enough to lend or give money to others' pot

When I'd been with my partner for two years, not living with him, I wouldn't have paid for his mortgage or bills.

bigbaggyeyes · 03/06/2021 22:36

YABU

LemonTT · 03/06/2021 22:36

I don’t think you are happy in this relationship. You have posted before about how you dislike the way he parents his children, his wife popping by his house and the fact he’s not divorced yet. But at the same you seem to want to move in and become a blended family. Which you did and it was a failure.

The fact of the matter he isn’t in the same space as you. He’s separated and still adapting to being a single parent. He might want a traditional relationship eventually. But like a lot of people who leave a LTR he might just want to focus on being a parent.

MiddleClassMother · 03/06/2021 22:40

6k is not a lot at all in a current account. You're being a CF in expecting, especially since you live apart.

Azerothi · 03/06/2021 22:40

You sound very overinvested in your relationship with your boyfriend. He sounds as though he doesn't feel the same as you. You haven't been dating long and don't live together and yet call him partner. I don't think you're being a cheeky fucker though I think the feelings in your relationship are very much one way.

He did the right thing by keeping his money to himself but as he knows you're invested in the relationship perhaps a friendly helping hand in practical matters.

Are you a trained degree level nurse?

Starlightstarbright1 · 03/06/2021 22:42

I often think on here. People often move in too soon as not really ready to share everything. In your case you aren't.

I wouldn't loan someone i don't live with money. It would really change things- balance etc and risk of someone not paying back

Beautiful3 · 03/06/2021 22:45

If he were your husband or lived with you then yes. But he is just a boyfriend who lives separately. For that reason I'd say you're being unreasonable. He has children and a home to maintain, 6 thousand isn't alot. He ll need his savings, in case of an emergency repair or loss of job.

Funnyface1 · 03/06/2021 22:45

Wrotten??

Birminghambloke · 03/06/2021 22:45

£6k is not a lot to buffer £11k of lost salary. Always best to re jig your own finances, as you have done. You’re currently living apart and he does have other responsibilities. Basic bills/ living should be your own responsibility in your set up.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/06/2021 22:46

He has children, his own bills and home and you’ve been barely dating given the pandemic has been going on for 15 months out of the 24. I’d not have given money in those circumstances either.

rwalker · 03/06/2021 22:47

I think your being grabby as for 6k in bank for all you know most of that could be spoken for by monthly DD that haven't gone out yet .

FortunesFave · 03/06/2021 22:47

6 grand isn't a lot. It's what normal people who are making ends meet have...and it can go down quite suddenly if there's a big expense. DH and I aren't well off and we've generally got about 12 grand in savings but it goes up and down.

FortunesFave · 03/06/2021 22:48

And it's rotten..not wrotten...though I sort of like "wrotten' for some reason.

tara66 · 03/06/2021 22:49

Some people just do not ''put out'' when it comes to money - no matter who or what you are to them. Did he lose money in a divorce perhaps previously, which affected him? He does have at least one dependent (''teenager'') child to provide for first and the fact he paid cash for a car, which was not in a luxury price range, may have been because that was the most economical way to buy it (discount for cash, whatever) . As others have said - if £6,000 is all he has as a buffer against life's disaster, then he certainly needs to hold onto it.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 03/06/2021 22:54

Sorry @Wheelyyyy but I think you are being massively unreasonable here. You don't live together so he has no obligation to pay your way.

Dashel · 03/06/2021 22:55

If he had 6k in a current account then I would think that there is more elsewhere. I don’t tend to leave a lot in there but I prefer excess cash saved and safer from debit card fraud.

But even if he does have a lot saved then he might not feel that either it’s his place to offer you money or might be embarrassed or possibly think you would ask if you need help or he may not be willing to help. Before I met DH I had had bf of more than two years but I wasn’t settled with them or saw a long term future. With 26 months Of meeting DH we were married, so the length of the relationship doesn’t really factor into it.

Maybe you should talk to him about this and maybe where you see things going conversation (possibly not at the same time)

Wauden · 03/06/2021 22:59

Awkward one. I suppose that I might gave hinted that I was struggling.

Cameleongirl · 03/06/2021 22:59

Several posters are overlooking the 20K that he just paid in cash for a new car-I’m not saying he’s absolutely loaded, but that’s not small change.

I’m on the fence, OP. I personally would’ve offered to help out a bit-not loaning/giving you 11K but I’d have offered to do some food shops, etc. when you were sorting everything out. But not everyone would and he clearly wants to keep all finances separate. I’ll be honest, I’d question how much he was committed to me if he didn’t offer to even do small things like buy a few bits after two years.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2021 23:01

Read some of your other recent threads. I don’t think this relationship is for you.

theceilingnerfgunblackdot · 03/06/2021 23:02

@Wheelyyyy

Income dropped because the requirement for bank shifts dropped.

I work in paediatrics....when covid hit our wards were incredibly scarily quiet. They no longer needed extra cover due to ward demand

I'm a paeds nurse. I work in a different field than normal ward care now but I had the Bank banging my door down asking me to be redeployed into other areas with training and support to do so. I could have doubled my salary if I'd wanted to. I didn't as I was committed to my specialist clinical area and had no reduction in my hours and in fact picked up extra there due to colleagues isolating or being off with covid etc. Women can't expect to have it all - independence but need a white knight on his steed when it suits. At best in that situation I'd be happy with the partner covering the odd takeaway or picking up an M&S dine in for two or similar.
HooverPhobic · 03/06/2021 23:03

@FortunesFave

And it's rotten..not wrotten...though I sort of like "wrotten' for some reason.
Yeah, this really tickled me! (Not intending to sound mean, OP, or wrotton)

I doubt he could have feasibly offered enough to make an actual difference, so unless you wanted him just to make an empty gesture (which he was wise not to!) he might have been worried he couldn't do enough or might start something he couldn't finish.

ICECream821 · 03/06/2021 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrManhattan · 03/06/2021 23:06

Why would he offer it? He's got next to zero chance of getting it back. The op has already had to remortgage. In practical terms for him, it makes no sense.