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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ummm....financial...what do you think...tight or fair play

181 replies

Wheelyyyy · 03/06/2021 21:32

So this covid year meant my income dropped by 11 grand. It stung and it was worrying for many months until i remortagegd my house and put a house loan i had into the mortgage to free up monthly income. So the issue was sorted. But there were many months of fretting, juggling, balancing until I spoke to my bank.

Now i dont live with my DP, he has his own house and own bills. Luckily he is in a very good job. He bought a car outright for ovre 20 grand 3 weeks ago and when i said 'your paying outright, can you cover it' he said yes no sweat. I thought...fair enough.

He has just transferred some money over to his teenager who was looking at his bank account over his dads shoulder....teenage son just commented on the fact his dad had over 6 grand in his current account....

Now i like to pay my own way and Im independant. But AIBU to think....bloody hell! you wrotten sod...you watched me go through all that stress and tears and you could have at least offered to help. The wrotten sod watched me struggle. The annoying this was is that my aunt offered to help but i told her not to worry...id sort it out and just appreciated her support. Thats all i wouldve needed from him....the offer of helping out...I dont know if i wouldve actually taken it but he didnt even help me figure it out...

Am i being a CF? or am i with an absolute unsupportive tightass?

OP posts:
qualitygirl · 03/06/2021 21:50

6k isn't exactly masses OP. It really is also dependent on his outgoings too. If he loses his job then that 6k may be all he has.

Ellpellwood · 03/06/2021 21:51

Well, YAB a bit U then. It's not generally the norm to have both the benefits of your own spaces with no compromise on where to live together, and pooled finances.

WhatMattersMost · 03/06/2021 21:52

I wouldn't be lending money to anyone who could call me a rotten sod.

I know you're angry, but, OP, it sounds like it's envy that's driving that more than a sense of injustice.

I don't think 2 years is a long time, and people's attitudes to money are sufficiently different for this not to be an issue about his being tight as much as it is about being careful.

Why don't you ask him why he didn't offer? This may well give you far more useful information than coming on here to vent your spleen.

qualitygirl · 03/06/2021 21:55

Anyway OP maybe he didn't have that money when you were struggling, maybe he came into it just recently??

NurseryFlirt · 03/06/2021 21:55

I'm sorry - YABU.

  • If you're financially separate from each other then he shouldn't be expected to pay for you. You can still be supports to each other in a whole host of ways but it appears you're not financially reliant on each other (by the sounds of it, that's your choice), so you don't get to be annoyed by the arrangement when it doesn't benefit you.
  • £6000 isn't that much - maybe he's learnt from what happened to you and wants to keep some aside?
  • A lot of men are criticised for thinking women can't solve their own problems - maybe he has faith in you to sort yourself out or at least ask him for help if you need it rather than him having to initiate it. And, if he did think that, then he was right - you could do it.
  • His money is his choice, just as your money is your choice. You don't have the right to be bitter that he didn't spend his money on you.
SnarkyBag · 03/06/2021 21:56

How does a nurse end up on an income drop due to covid? I would have thought you were one of the few professions well protected?

To be honest I can understand why he didn’t offer. He probably sees his children as the ones he needs to keep money back for in case of a rainy day. Plus just because someone is frugal and has savings doesn’t mean they’re in a position to give it away.

DrManhattan · 03/06/2021 21:57

Can't deal with wrotten lol

jamaisjedors · 03/06/2021 21:57

Perhaps he was (rightly?) worried that lending money would sour your relationship?

I know i would rather owe money to the bank than my partner...

Newkitchen123 · 03/06/2021 21:58

I'm not understanding how your income dropped as a nurse?
What am I missing?

UserAtRandom · 03/06/2021 21:58

Did he even realise you were struggling? Did he know you'd turned down help from your aunt? I suspect he's used to you being financially independent and it never occurred to him that you might welcome an offer of help.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 03/06/2021 21:58

Why did your income drop so much?

SIHastingsLiketheBattle · 03/06/2021 21:59

Yabu. If this thread was about a female partner whose male partner asked her to help him financially after a one year relationship there would be some choice words used, including 'cocklodger'. You are financially independent from one another.

Merryoldgoat · 03/06/2021 21:59

Well, I don’t know really. Because my current (joint) account has about £5k in it at the start of the month but that covers our ‘life’ - if we have £200 at the end of the month we’re doing well.

This is separate from personal spends and savings which are much less.

So if it’s just hanging about then yes, I’d have thought the offer would’ve been natural.

If it’s start of the month before outgoings then maybe not.

Northernsoullover · 03/06/2021 21:59

Well the OP isn't calling it to his face! I'm in the minority here but I would have helped my DP out at the 2 year mark. Before furlough was sorted for my partner last year there were moments of real panic for him and I couldn't have helped with his mortgage but I did offer him help with food and money in his pocket. In fact our mutual friends who didn't know our circumstances offered us both money. Its what you do when you care about people. It was a genuine reason for the hardship not blown on high days and holidays.

nimbuscloud · 03/06/2021 21:59

Also wondering about the £11000 drop in income.

Ohpulltheotherone · 03/06/2021 22:01

Not sure why people are saying you’re wrong OP.

If I’d been in an intimate and serious relationship for two years and I was having financial difficulties which were not of my own doing and my partner didn’t at least say “is there anything I can do to help” then I’d be very disappointed to watch him then spend 20k in cash on a car and have over 6k in his current account - so likely not savings.

He of course is under no obligation to offer or to help - you don’t live together and share no finances but surely if you’re in a committed relationship and your partner is struggling then even a basic offer or enquiry is warranted.

I wouldn’t sit and watch a family member or friend struggle, worry, lose sleep and incur additional debt without even asking if they’re ok and can I help out - I’m not talking giving away my income and savings but even just covering the cost of some shopping or a utility bill for a couple of months.

God people really are tight and miserable.

I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who would watch me lose sleep over finances and then happily drop 20k on a car with no even a hint of embarrassment sorry.

SimonJT · 03/06/2021 22:01

While £6,000 isn’t to be sniffed at it isn’t a significant nest egg, it would only cover the mortgage and bills for around 3 months for the average adult.

You’re not married, you don’t live together, you maintain different finances. You can’t pick and choose which bits of financial indepence that you want.

WhatMattersMost · 03/06/2021 22:01

@Northernsoullover

Well the OP isn't calling it to his face! I'm in the minority here but I would have helped my DP out at the 2 year mark. Before furlough was sorted for my partner last year there were moments of real panic for him and I couldn't have helped with his mortgage but I did offer him help with food and money in his pocket. In fact our mutual friends who didn't know our circumstances offered us both money. Its what you do when you care about people. It was a genuine reason for the hardship not blown on high days and holidays.
Not calling it to his face isn't quite the point though, is it? In fact, it might be worse, imo.
MichelleScarn · 03/06/2021 22:02

If you're a nurse how did your income drop by 10k? Especially when you say you were working flat out?

AdriannaP · 03/06/2021 22:02

Maybe you should have asked then? He is not a mind reader!
Also sorry to hear about your worries but if you are a nurse why was your work cut in a pandemic? Supporting a minor child is very different to supporting a DP (and you don’t live together and have shared finances). I don’t see why he was expected to give you a loan.

SwimBaby · 03/06/2021 22:02

YABU
Your aunt offered to help, you refused the help.
Your boyfriend didn’t offer. I don’t think I would have offered a partner of two years who I didn’t live with.

Newkitchen123 · 03/06/2021 22:03

How much did you actually talk about your money troubles with him?
Did he know about the aunt's offer?

GabriellaMontez · 03/06/2021 22:03

Have you planned a future together? Discussed finances for the future?

Should he have been more inclined to help you because you're a nurse? And why has your income dropped?

AdriannaP · 03/06/2021 22:04

@SIHastingsLiketheBattle

Yabu. If this thread was about a female partner whose male partner asked her to help him financially after a one year relationship there would be some choice words used, including 'cocklodger'. You are financially independent from one another.
Spot on
Viviennemary · 03/06/2021 22:04

You could have asked him for a loan. Some folk don't like to offer for fear of offending the other person. Then you would have a better idea of his willingness to help. But two years isn't that long to be bailing out partners when you don't live together.