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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ummm....financial...what do you think...tight or fair play

181 replies

Wheelyyyy · 03/06/2021 21:32

So this covid year meant my income dropped by 11 grand. It stung and it was worrying for many months until i remortagegd my house and put a house loan i had into the mortgage to free up monthly income. So the issue was sorted. But there were many months of fretting, juggling, balancing until I spoke to my bank.

Now i dont live with my DP, he has his own house and own bills. Luckily he is in a very good job. He bought a car outright for ovre 20 grand 3 weeks ago and when i said 'your paying outright, can you cover it' he said yes no sweat. I thought...fair enough.

He has just transferred some money over to his teenager who was looking at his bank account over his dads shoulder....teenage son just commented on the fact his dad had over 6 grand in his current account....

Now i like to pay my own way and Im independant. But AIBU to think....bloody hell! you wrotten sod...you watched me go through all that stress and tears and you could have at least offered to help. The wrotten sod watched me struggle. The annoying this was is that my aunt offered to help but i told her not to worry...id sort it out and just appreciated her support. Thats all i wouldve needed from him....the offer of helping out...I dont know if i wouldve actually taken it but he didnt even help me figure it out...

Am i being a CF? or am i with an absolute unsupportive tightass?

OP posts:
Guavafish · 04/06/2021 08:26

You should have ask him for help directly

EverythingRuined · 04/06/2021 08:35

I think it's ok that he didn't offer to help out. Two years isn't that long and £6 isn't much.

Fuckitfuckit · 04/06/2021 08:36

I'm sorry that you lost money and life was hard during the pandemic. We also lost a lot of money. I stopped working, and DHs work dried up.
We were fairly fortunate in the fact that we had never claimed back any of our tax rebates, so we went back as far as we could and actually claimed them. Still those rebates (as hefty as they were!) Were a big drop in income for us because we had to use that money to see us through until atleast DH could return to work, so I do get the struggle.

But 2 years at this point, means that you were only together for around 6? 7?8? Months before the pandemic kicked off.
That's barely time to know someone.

For all you know, he could be thinking, well thd first 6,7,8 however many months she had money, that was a good time, that moneys not coming back, and am I willing to sink my savings into a woman who I barely know, when I might end up in a similar position, and between us we don't have a chance then.

Hes responsible for himself and his child. With 6k in the bank, I'd not say he was in a position to help anyone out. You have to remember that now is an uncertain time for everyone

MimosaFields · 04/06/2021 08:42

6K is a very small amount which can easily be gone in two months if something goes wrong. You've only been together 2 years. You don't live together either so I think YABU. You were struggling but not starving to death.

thecatsthecats · 04/06/2021 08:45

Re: the point about the car, he presumably knew he was intending to buy it outright at the point of this financial issue for the OP.

So his thinking presumably was "I have 26k, and want to leave 6k remaining".

Seems sensible enough to me. I'd never wipe out my savings, and I guess he'd been saving for it.

If someone was having mortgage troubles and was working things out with the bank, I wouldn't automatically think they needed money either. My friend who lives in Australia had to downsize because the mortgage on her English property was tricky, and I didn't assume that she was struggling for money. She had a problem and she dealt with it.

DulseSeaweed · 04/06/2021 09:00

It’s hard to say. Maybe he was afraid to get involved and set a precedent and tie finances? 2 years living apart doesn’t seem very entwined to me but I don’t know your relationship. I’d be very worried if I only had £6k in my account. That’d mean if we lost jobs we would survive for about 6 weeks or so!

On another note, are you reorganising your finances so you don’t have to rely on extra shifts to survive?

caringcarer · 04/06/2021 10:06

It would have been nice of him to ask if you had enough for food. Maybe he is not as invested in the relationship as you.

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 04/06/2021 10:51

Yes finances reorganised. I remortgaged and sold my car that had finance on it and now have a little run around that i own outright and a good runner. My job requires me to have a car otherwise id go without.

I bought an excouncil house about a year before covid. Saved to get back on the housing ladder and this one seemed a good investment...cheap, affordable but full of damp on external walls which meant i made the decision to gut the house based on being able to get a house loan for the initial plastering, kitchen etc...knowing i could work bank shifts for anything i needed beyond that. My savings went into paying for dampproofing as part of original mortgage condition. Yes i stretched myself. But i had insurance in case i lost my job, became ill, accident etc....not the pandemic.

I can see that views on this topic, vary greatly and predominany read as....IABU. ill take the views on board.

Wrotten may be a regional thing.
Wrotten sod is used in a playful but wise up /come on.. sentiment to people in close circle...
I.e if someone used the fuel in the car but didnt refill because they couldnt be bothered. Guaranteed on the morning u need to be somewhere early and your running late. Or swapped the tenner in your purse for lots of 50's, 20ps etc.

Someone mentioned bank shifts and paediatric work. Not in our trust and my primary patient vulnerabilities...i wasnt allowed to go into other areas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 04/06/2021 10:59

Its the act of someone asking...

Are you alright?
Are you covered for neccesity at this point?
I cant help but i can see how upsetting this all is.....lets sit down and go through your options....your not on your own...we'll figure it out. I cant fox it for u but i can help look for solutions

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 04/06/2021 11:06

@JSL52

I can't understand people saying £6000 isn't a lot of money Confusedof course it is.
It’s a lot of money to pay for a T shirt. It’s not a lot of money - or, at least, doesn’t leave a lot of spare money - if your outgoings are £5,500.
MasterBeth · 04/06/2021 11:08

(Wrotten is not a regional spelling, just a typo. The word is rotten.)

UserAtRandom · 04/06/2021 11:10

He may get a car allowance from his workplace which accounts for the car (when DH was in such a job, we used to save it for a few years then buy something outright).

I would absolutely loathe someone asking about my personal finances and offering to "help" in the way you suggest. Does your DP understand that this is something that you would like? He might well have assumed that you were doing ok (as everyone on this thread has said, nurses are the last people you'd expect to be struggling during a pandemic).

Did you tell him how hard you were finding things? In a close partnership you should have been able to without expecting him to spontaneously pick up on it.

Cameleongirl · 04/06/2021 12:20

Based on your update, what you’re actually saying is that he didn’t inquire whether you were OK and managing to sort something out, after you’d told him that you were having financial difficulties? He didn’t offer any emotional support? Now that is rotten/wrotten. I would expect a partner or a close friend to do that if I confided a problem to them.

I think you do need to accept that he only sees you as a casual girlfriend, not a partner.

zingally · 04/06/2021 13:09

Would you have bent over backwards to support him if the situation was reversed?

Wrotten · 04/06/2021 13:32

I like wrotten.

IliveonCoffee · 04/06/2021 13:42

It sounds like the sting isn't in the fact he didn't pay anything but that he didn't even offer to help. Yanbu.

Nobody should be obligated to loan money to anyone regardless of if they have £6 or 60k in their accounts. There might be somewhat of a greater drive to help a partner than a mate.

But to not even offer to help in anyway - whether I could afford to physically give money or not - I'd still offer my help - not with cold hard cash, but did they need me to help comb over their bills, meet at my place rather than the coffee shop, perhaps babysit if they've got a second job. I'd check they're okay for food, maybe run a weekly shop if I could afford it.

Surprised so many think that £6k in the current account isn't a lot. We don't even see that in our joint account each month. I get it wouldn't go far as savings, and that outgoings might be high. But I'd be disappointed in myself, if I'd just paid £20k for a car, had £6k left in my account, and couldn't even offer my partner a weekly shop on me, because their work has fallen through.

user1471538283 · 04/06/2021 17:53

I would be very upset if he had not offered or checked to see if I was okay for groceries. £6k is alot!

I went through a very bumpy patch years ago and my then bf made a point of not helping or even offering to when he easily could.

Even if you didnt take the money you would have felt less alone.

ChristmasFluff · 04/06/2021 18:00

Can't get past how a bank nurse lost 11 grand in shifts. Maybe he couldn't either.

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2021 18:11

You dont live together, he's got kids. I dont think its tight that he's not supporting you financially.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2021 18:25

Ok so how did you feel about his support before you knew he had in excess of 26k floating about? Did he not offer any empathy or support? Did you talk to him much about it?

Thumbcat · 04/06/2021 18:25

I get it OP and I don't think you're being unreasonable. You just wanted him to care enough to offer, not to take him up on that offer.

I've been with my boyfriend a little over two years. When I had an unexpected bill he transferred the amount into my account because he wanted to help. I transferred it straight back because I could afford to pay, albeit it was a struggle, but I like to be independent. Despite that I was very touched that he didn't think twice about helping me. I think I'd also feel a little hurt in your situation.

Oly4 · 04/06/2021 18:31

After 2 years yes I think he’s unbelievably tight.. and probably not thinking long haul if he wasn’t willing to help you!!

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2021 18:34

@Oly4

After 2 years yes I think he’s unbelievably tight.. and probably not thinking long haul if he wasn’t willing to help you!!
The extent t to which some women feel entitled to a man's money just because they are going out together is scary.
Blossomtoes · 04/06/2021 18:41

I get it, OP. It’s not really about the money, is it? It’s about moral support and having your back. And anyone saying a spare £26k or £6k floating about in a current account isn’t a lot of money should float back to the parallel universe they usually inhabit.

NigellaSeed · 04/06/2021 18:45

@Oly4

After 2 years yes I think he’s unbelievably tight.. and probably not thinking long haul if he wasn’t willing to help you!!
As pointed out by PP, they've been together 2 years NOW, but 1 year when she lost 11k. Or possibly relationship started OCTOBER 2019 based on pp sleuthing.