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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ummm....financial...what do you think...tight or fair play

181 replies

Wheelyyyy · 03/06/2021 21:32

So this covid year meant my income dropped by 11 grand. It stung and it was worrying for many months until i remortagegd my house and put a house loan i had into the mortgage to free up monthly income. So the issue was sorted. But there were many months of fretting, juggling, balancing until I spoke to my bank.

Now i dont live with my DP, he has his own house and own bills. Luckily he is in a very good job. He bought a car outright for ovre 20 grand 3 weeks ago and when i said 'your paying outright, can you cover it' he said yes no sweat. I thought...fair enough.

He has just transferred some money over to his teenager who was looking at his bank account over his dads shoulder....teenage son just commented on the fact his dad had over 6 grand in his current account....

Now i like to pay my own way and Im independant. But AIBU to think....bloody hell! you wrotten sod...you watched me go through all that stress and tears and you could have at least offered to help. The wrotten sod watched me struggle. The annoying this was is that my aunt offered to help but i told her not to worry...id sort it out and just appreciated her support. Thats all i wouldve needed from him....the offer of helping out...I dont know if i wouldve actually taken it but he didnt even help me figure it out...

Am i being a CF? or am i with an absolute unsupportive tightass?

OP posts:

MilduraS · 03/06/2021 22:05

I usually have a little over 6k in my current account because it includes my emergency cash savings. I find budgeting easier with one account. My only other savings are in investments. If anyone saw my current account balance out of context, they'd think I was doing alright. Really I earn 25k a year so it's actually about 4 months salary and a huge amount of money to lend someone. I don't think I'd feel comfortable offering a loan like that to someone I'd been with for two years with separate finances.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 22:08

I'm in a similar position to you op. But no, my Dp's money is his. And mine is mine.

I have about £3k savings but it's not his job to fund me. I work and we share going out costs etc but other than that, finances stay separate. If I were desperate I could ask him for a loan though.

Would your dp offer assistance if you were absolutely up against it?

fourminutestosavetheworld · 03/06/2021 22:09

I wouldn't be offering money to a bf after a year.

I might turn up with some shopping, or pay for a night out, if I knew he was struggling - but offering cash for living expenses, no.

Was it obvious to him that you were struggling op? As a nurse perhaps your job/income looked secure.

I also don't think £6k is enough security to start lending cash.

KenAdams · 03/06/2021 22:10

Hold up, your salary dropped during a healthcare crisis? And you work in...healthcare

YellowFish12 · 03/06/2021 22:11

What did you want? A loan? A substantial cash gift? Him just to sun you some meals out and treats?

You’re not living together or financially linked. I wouldn’t offer you a loan or cash gift in these circumstances.

I would have cut my cloth according to your budget tho, and treated you to meals out and stuff.

IEat · 03/06/2021 22:12

If I didn’t live with him and therefore no share bills I’d not offer to help financially, for me there’s a difference in the commitment of living together and dating even if long term

Original poster

Wheelyyyy · 03/06/2021 22:14

Income dropped because the requirement for bank shifts dropped.

I work in paediatrics....when covid hit our wards were incredibly scarily quiet. They no longer needed extra cover due to ward demand

OP posts:

Bufferingkisses · 03/06/2021 22:15

I'm not sure if I'm reading this wrong but I think your oh had 20k to blow outright on a car plus 6k in the account his child saw plus, possibly, other amounts?

Yanbu imo. Maybe the "not having much so we share to survive" thing is lost on him because he doesn't "not have much"?

Either way I'd never ever watch someone struggle to keep their home whilst bot struggling myself without saying "I can do xxxx" or similar? I can't imagine leaving someone in that place if that place was not a result of their own poor choices over the long term? I get cutting off the alcoholic family member or the forever desperate (but quite ok really) friend but not your life partner?

JSL52 · 03/06/2021 22:16

I can't understand people saying £6000 isn't a lot of money of course it is.

AdriannaP · 03/06/2021 22:18

My friend is a nurse who works PT and she said she got constantly asked to cover more shifts in different parts of hospital due to crisis. Apparently she also got paid extra for longer shifts as this was NHS policy during covid (not anymore). I can’t believe you were not able to pick up extra work if you wanted to.

DriedIris · 03/06/2021 22:19

If I was in a 2 year relationship and not living together I would not expect to be bailed out financially unless I was in absolute dire straits. You don't have joint finances.

Have you been unable to afford food or going without meals, for example?

I'm not sure what you would have expected him to pay for for you. I don't think it would be reasonable to want him to help with your mortgage or bills.

Have you ever asked him for help?

JemIsMyNameNooneElseIsTheSame · 03/06/2021 22:20

LT wrotten B

RedFrogsRule · 03/06/2021 22:21

@AdriannaP

Depends what part of country you're in. I have two family members in NHS. One is exhausted but the other lost all bank work

Original poster

Wheelyyyy · 03/06/2021 22:21

I work in community for my day job. The childrens wards were quiet but community care stepped up. All the big hospitals keeping kids away and asking community to deliver more care. Which is fair.

Im oncology based too which meant i couldnt work on adult areas due to fragility of my caseload

OP posts:

midsomermurderess · 03/06/2021 22:22

'Wrotten' is interesting. Is it regional.

boomwhacker · 03/06/2021 22:23

You still haven't explained how your pay dropped though OP?

ImInStealthMode · 03/06/2021 22:26

It's a tough one. My hours were cut from full time to 25 hours last year, meaning my salary only just covered my regular monthly outgoings. I'd been with my boyfriend only a few months at the time but he offered, discreetly but often, to help if I needed. I refused loans at every turn but did concede to him entirely paying for takeaways & other treats, which I couldn't have afforded to do without him. After a while he moved in with me anyway & by him contributing to bills the pressure on me lifted.

I'd never have expected anything from him though, or would I have thought less of him for not offering. I was just grateful that he was there and understanding.

To those questioning the £6k; I never ever have more than £1k in my current account, but a lot more tucked away in my savings. I'd feel like Midas if I casually had £6k in my current.

KingdomScrolls · 03/06/2021 22:27

My friend is a paediatric nurse, she and lots of her colleagues have been working bank shifts on Covid wards, now than they usually do because the cover has been so needed. Was that not an option for you?
That aside you've been together 2 years, so around a year when this happened and your income dropped, you don't live together and have separate finances, so no I wouldn't have expected that kind of support from that kind of relationship.

Grenlei · 03/06/2021 22:27

What proportion of your income was the 11k? Is that pre or post tax?

Sounds like financially you are in the habit of treating your bank shifts as income rather than effectively overtime. Although as per the PP, I'm surprised you weren't able to pick up other shifts. Nurses I know have been constantly offered extra work. And if you were short, could you not have used a credit card? I'm not sure why you were struggling so much.

6k isn't that much in the scheme of things; in your boyfriend's position I wouldn't want to be loaning you money and certainly not giving you a handout. I've been with my partner for over 7 years, and as we don't yet live together our finances are totally separate. His work is contract based and from time to time he can have limited funds. So he increases his overdraft or credit card balances. He'd never allow me to bail him out (even though I have considerably more than 6k in savings) and I respect him for that.

Movealongmovealong · 03/06/2021 22:28

If you were his wife then yes - he is unreasonable. If you had been his live in partner then yes , probably depending on the way you split finances, joint children etc.. but you are neither of those.

In the same circumstances I would of talked through your options with you in order to help you figure a way out of your problem. I certainly would t. E offering to help you financially for substantial sums. 2 years is very early in a relationship especially after the last year . If he offered you the short fall and you and he split - how does he get it back. ?

Also confused about the lack of income. My sister was a retired paediatric sister. However a nurse is a nurse and she volunteered from the start and was in the thick of it from June last year until this April. The nursing agencies were screaming for qualified HCPs of all types .

sirfredfredgeorge · 03/06/2021 22:28

I can't understand people saying £6000 isn't a lot of money confusedof course it is

But equally a "financial crisis" that is solved by re-arranging a loan into a mortgage (something that likely should've been done anyway) is not much of a financial crisis, and I don't really get the "do you have enough to eat?" comment when that's enough to "solve it".

SwimBaby · 03/06/2021 22:29

boomwhacker the OP has explained.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 03/06/2021 22:31

@SIHastingsLiketheBattle

Yabu. If this thread was about a female partner whose male partner asked her to help him financially after a one year relationship there would be some choice words used, including 'cocklodger'. You are financially independent from one another.

That sums it up.

katand2kits · 03/06/2021 22:31

He is not really a DP is he? He is just a boyfriend. An actual partner is someone who you share your life with. He has not made that jump yet. You can be miffed all you like, but you can also see that he probably is not interested in merging his responsibilities with yours.

tortoiselover100 · 03/06/2021 22:32

Dump him, he's insensitive and selfish, he's not on your team.

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