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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ummm....financial...what do you think...tight or fair play

181 replies

Wheelyyyy · 03/06/2021 21:32

So this covid year meant my income dropped by 11 grand. It stung and it was worrying for many months until i remortagegd my house and put a house loan i had into the mortgage to free up monthly income. So the issue was sorted. But there were many months of fretting, juggling, balancing until I spoke to my bank.

Now i dont live with my DP, he has his own house and own bills. Luckily he is in a very good job. He bought a car outright for ovre 20 grand 3 weeks ago and when i said 'your paying outright, can you cover it' he said yes no sweat. I thought...fair enough.

He has just transferred some money over to his teenager who was looking at his bank account over his dads shoulder....teenage son just commented on the fact his dad had over 6 grand in his current account....

Now i like to pay my own way and Im independant. But AIBU to think....bloody hell! you wrotten sod...you watched me go through all that stress and tears and you could have at least offered to help. The wrotten sod watched me struggle. The annoying this was is that my aunt offered to help but i told her not to worry...id sort it out and just appreciated her support. Thats all i wouldve needed from him....the offer of helping out...I dont know if i wouldve actually taken it but he didnt even help me figure it out...

Am i being a CF? or am i with an absolute unsupportive tightass?

OP posts:
Ellpellwood · 03/06/2021 23:07

@AnneLovesGilbert

Read some of your other recent threads. I don’t think this relationship is for you.
Same. Why saddle yourself with 3 kids when yours have left home, plus finding your place in a 50/50 custody split where the mum doesn't like you?
Ariela · 03/06/2021 23:08

YABU here. If he's earning £60-80K he's going to have approx 4K take home. With a £2K float he really doesn't have much in his current account

Hankunamatata · 03/06/2021 23:09

Yabu. You have seperate houses and seperate finances. He is only a boyfriend. Why should he stump up. Why should he help you figure it out?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 03/06/2021 23:13

He sounds like a tight arse to me. If I knew my next door neighbour was struggling I'd check they were OK. He's supposed to love and care for you - I'd bin him

JaceLancs · 03/06/2021 23:15

My DP was made redundant last June and has been just about surviving on universal credit
I’ve helped with rent, food, diesel, car insurance, utilities and anything else - probably 3-4K in total
I have known him much longer though - he has very recently found a job and announced that he will be buying all our days out coffee, snacks, parking etc fit the next 12 months - he has also given me a big chunk of his first pay packet

OldWomanSaysThis · 03/06/2021 23:20

2 years, not living together - it's too soon to be loaning or giving money to each other. Dinners are okay, but bills, living expenses and what not? No.

BackforGood · 03/06/2021 23:21

The point is, you live separately, and have separate finances.

Your job is literally the most in demand in the country for the last 15months. Nurses across the country (World, I should imagine) have been redeployed and where I live there have been desperate requests for Nurses to come out of retirement and Nurses to come back early off maternity leave, and part time Nurses to step up to full time.
I can't help thinking if I were struggling financially, and if I were a Nurse, I'd have taken those shifts.
Then, you haven't in any way indicated that you were short of food, or couldn't put your heating on. If that had been the case, and he knew then you'd have probably had a response to that, but 'needing to rearrange your finances' doesn't equal a friend needing to give you money, in my world.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 23:25

@LightMoon82

Really think rotten should now be spelled as wrotten
Me too. It had a mediaeval/Chaucer-like quality.

"My ex, sayeth me, forsooth, was he wrotten to the core"

Grin
shivawn · 03/06/2021 23:25

I feel like I would absolutely expect more after 2 years together but then all relationships are so different. My husband and I had moved in together within a couple months of getting together, had completely joint finances within 6 months and both quit our jobs and bought one way flights across the world around the 6 month mark too. So we're at the other extreme!

Have you plans for the future? Do you intend on moving in together? I wouldn't get too hung up on the money issue in this instance if you're happy in the relationship and he is normally good to you. For me though I would be expecting some signs of long term commitment after 2 years.

Babyroobs · 03/06/2021 23:25

I can't understand posters saying 6k is a lot of money. If he lost his own job it could be 3/4 months living expenses, or if a major house expense occurred it could pay for that. He is totally not unreasonable for not offering to lend you that. The 20k car on the other hand seems extravagant with so little other savings.

Newkitchen123 · 03/06/2021 23:26

Jan 2020 from your other post you'd been together only 4 months. So not even two years yet. You don't live together, no shared responsibility, you say you're independent so we can assume this is the impression you've given him.
Could you not have taken another job? I know several people who've taken on extra jobs, all covid related, testing etc or even a call centre job to pay the bills.
He's done nothing wrong.

Rubyrecka · 03/06/2021 23:30

Your finances are your responsibility. Stop looking to other people to support u! U managed the situation so was not that bad. 6k isn't a lot to be envious of either!

theonlywayisup33 · 03/06/2021 23:48

He does not sound like generous guy and that to me is a red flag. It is an attitude of the heart and to watch you struggle and not even offer money is pretty unkind for a 'D'P.

Castlepeak · 04/06/2021 00:04

If his goal is 3-6 months of expenses, 6k really isn’t much in savings. It you were struggling for food and he was aware, then yes, I would expect him to help, but money just being tight is different. That he has some savings is just being a responsible adult.

Summerfun54321 · 04/06/2021 00:07

YABVU. Money loans should come from family not boyfriends and even then things can get difficult. Loaning money can cause huge rifts in relationships and your boyfriend is very sensible not to offer. Your aunt offered and you turned her down, in no way is your money problems his fault.

wildeverose · 04/06/2021 00:24

YABU- 6k isn't a lot, it's been 2 years and you don't live together. He has kids, they may need it and they're priority. If he was rolling In it I could see your point, but you're not entitled to his money.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 04/06/2021 02:17

Yabu he is not your dad.

Eviethyme · 04/06/2021 04:06

I don't think yabu, I would feel the same. 2 years with my husband and we were married with 1 Child and living together.

But I would have expected him to at least offer to help if needed even if just with a grocery shop. It's the offering that means the most. Just asking if your okay and if you need help. But buying himself a 20k car and having 6 k leftover is just a bit selfish to not even think about you...
And no matter what other people are saying 2 years is a decent amount of time at least enough to want to ensure your partner doesn't go hungry or unable to pay bills.

abstractprojection · 04/06/2021 07:37

I think this is just a wake up call that he sees you as a girlfriend rather then a partner

Not suggesting he should have given you loads but made sure you had enough o get through the month, buy food, pay bills etc.

BarbaraofSeville · 04/06/2021 07:53

YABU. Often, when people have money struggles, being given/lent money by a relative/friend/partner is merely kicking the can down the road and whatever help is given often falls into a black hole due to charges and extra interest rather than solving the problem. In reality the best thing to do is usually face the problem as soon as possible.

Plus you not taking the very obvious step of using your qualifications to get extra covid related work is probably an indication that you're not as independent as you think. Most nurses probably earned more last year not less, due to taking on extra shifts.

Also, having a house loan already and relying on bank shifts to pay basic costs could well be an indication that you're a bit of a financial disaster/spendthrift and to him it could well have looked like that you've spent all your money so then wanted to get onto spending his.

Turn it around. You're careful, spend wisely, go without, live within your means, save up for things like cars, which you then drive for years rather than changing them every 3 years on the never never and someone comes along who spends money like water and won't take on extra work that is freely available to pay their way and starts eyeing up your hard earned savings to cover their overspending? Would you give them money?

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2021 07:54

The two years is a red herring. When this occured how long were you together, a year? And no I’d not have been financially bailing you out at that point.

Zari29 · 04/06/2021 07:59

Did he know how much you were struggling? I know you are pretty much separate in every aspect, but I do agree that he could have offered something if he knew you were struggling. If I think back to my dh and I when we were dating, I went through something similar. Didn't have a house but my work contract ended without renewal, and it was a few months without an income. For 3 months he just transferred money into my account. I was shocked the first time and all he said was 'you have me, you don't need to stress we will figure it out'. Honestly this is what stands out most to me whenever I think about us. That we tackle everything together, it doesn't matter whose problem it is. We were also living separately and 2 years in at that point as well. I couldn't stand by and watch someone I love struggle, and not even ask if I can help.

LemonTT · 04/06/2021 08:14

The fact that he is not divorced and has 3 kids means he has to make very different decisions. He can’t just gift someone money.

And she is an employed professional who could have worked additional COVID related shifts if she wanted. Plus if she couldn’t afford food, the bank would not have agreed the refinance. I don’t see why she was struggling to the point she needed handouts.

Aprilx · 04/06/2021 08:16

@Wheelyyyy

Income dropped because the requirement for bank shifts dropped.

I work in paediatrics....when covid hit our wards were incredibly scarily quiet. They no longer needed extra cover due to ward demand

So were your ward scarily quiet or was it chaos as per an earlier post.

YABVU. Firstly he is not your partner, he is your boyfriend, a partner is someone with whom you share lives, which you two do not at this point. You have been dating for 24 months and for 14 months of that we have been in lockdown.

I would never expect a boyfriend to cover my bills when I am myself in full time employment. Don’t you think it would have been a bit patronising for him to ask if you have enough to eat.

Aprilx · 04/06/2021 08:16

*was. 🙁