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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ummm....financial...what do you think...tight or fair play

181 replies

Wheelyyyy · 03/06/2021 21:32

So this covid year meant my income dropped by 11 grand. It stung and it was worrying for many months until i remortagegd my house and put a house loan i had into the mortgage to free up monthly income. So the issue was sorted. But there were many months of fretting, juggling, balancing until I spoke to my bank.

Now i dont live with my DP, he has his own house and own bills. Luckily he is in a very good job. He bought a car outright for ovre 20 grand 3 weeks ago and when i said 'your paying outright, can you cover it' he said yes no sweat. I thought...fair enough.

He has just transferred some money over to his teenager who was looking at his bank account over his dads shoulder....teenage son just commented on the fact his dad had over 6 grand in his current account....

Now i like to pay my own way and Im independant. But AIBU to think....bloody hell! you wrotten sod...you watched me go through all that stress and tears and you could have at least offered to help. The wrotten sod watched me struggle. The annoying this was is that my aunt offered to help but i told her not to worry...id sort it out and just appreciated her support. Thats all i wouldve needed from him....the offer of helping out...I dont know if i wouldve actually taken it but he didnt even help me figure it out...

Am i being a CF? or am i with an absolute unsupportive tightass?

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 04/06/2021 18:50

You've been together two years, you don't live together. I wouldn't expect him to contribute to your mortgage, but i would have expected him to help a bit e.g. topping up groceries, paying for takeaways etc

maddiemookins16mum · 04/06/2021 19:15

YABU.

honeygirlz · 04/06/2021 19:22

What was the income drop in actual terms, like you did you go down from £40k to £29k?

And what was the situation in terms of seeing each other, were you spending time mostly at yours or mostly at his? Who buys the food?

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 04/06/2021 19:23

@Blossom
Spot on

OP posts:
Roanpony · 04/06/2021 19:32

His lack of any offer of support suggests he sees you more as a casual girlfriend. Combined with the fact you don’t live together & have separate finances.

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 04/06/2021 19:32

@Zing

Yes, 100%. He had a 1500 bill a few months in and he raised it a few times. I asked him twice if he was covered

OP posts:
JeepersCreeping · 04/06/2021 19:33

Too much missing context I E. Did you go from 20k to 9k. Or 100k a year to 91k. It matters.

But the fact is. You're his relatively short time girlfriend with your own earning potential, an existing loan on top of a mortgage.

Unless there's a child together involved, or he's impacted on your earning potential in some way (e.g. owning a business together), why on earth would you expect him to step in to offer to cover costs to pay into your assets (house)?

It's bonkers to expect him to be a mind reader but more so with this expectation.

Cactusesi · 04/06/2021 19:44

He's mean and unsupportive. I hope he's handsome.

SwimBaby · 04/06/2021 19:47

I don’t think he’s mean, I don’t think it’s her boyfriends job to offer a longish or long term solution to the OP’s money situation. She’s sorted it now, I think involving money could cause problems in the relationship.

DreamingNow · 04/06/2021 19:55

@SadieCow

Nah, two years is not a long time!

Your "house loan" was established before you met him? So it's your responsibility.

Maybe offer to pay more on dates, but not to pick up your debts.

Isn’t it? After two years with DH I was married and was expecting our first child.

2 years is plenty to establish a serious relationship . It wasn’t two months.

DreamingNow · 04/06/2021 19:57

@Wheelyyyy even after 1 year, I would expected a question ‘are you ok with basics?

However I’m wondering if it even entered his mind if he has lived all his life well enough to NEVER had to worry about putting food on the table. Rather he probably saw your issues with the mortgage as an inconvenience rather than ‘how will I be able to eat?’ Type of situation.

DreamingNow · 04/06/2021 19:59

@SwimBaby

I don’t think he’s mean, I don’t think it’s her boyfriends job to offer a longish or long term solution to the OP’s money situation. She’s sorted it now, I think involving money could cause problems in the relationship.
Involving money cause problems in relationships? Hmm what are you doing when you decide to live together let along get married?

Talking about money, supporting each other is part of the normal progression of a relationship. The OP has been very clear that she dint want a loan from him. She wanted support, care and understanding. And she didn’t get it.

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2021 20:06

@DreamingNow but they arent married, arent living together and there is no baby on the way. So no comparison be their relationship and yours. And he has 3 children - by someone else.

KarmaStar · 04/06/2021 20:08

You are too involved in his bank account.It's not your money.
If you had asked he may have helped but you did not and are now judging him for not offering.
Sorry but Yabu and need to let this go.

BertramLacey · 04/06/2021 20:12

I have been in a similar position with my partner. Early in our relationship I was made redundant and I did struggle. He has never offered me money and I have never asked for it. I didn't want to put us in that position. 'Never a borrower or a lender be' isn't always practical, but I do think it's often better not to lend money to people close to you. It can taint the relationship.

He helped me out in many ways. We kept dates cheap at the start. As we got to know each other I accepted him helping out by paying more for dates. He wanted my company and I couldn't afford things, so he would often pay. He would also give me a lot of fresh fruit and veg on the pretext that he got a veg box and couldn't get through it fast enough. So he helped and supported, but I never expected a loan of any kind.

I think YABU. It's early in a relationship to want financial help. And from your OP it does seem that you were angling for that rather than just emotional support. My DP is very generous in many ways and would never have seen me out on the streets, obviously, but subbing me my rent, or similar, would have felt inappropriate to both of us unless there really was no alternative.

Happymum12345 · 04/06/2021 20:18

It doesn’t sound like a great relationship. If he can’t see you need help, then I would leave him.

Cactuslove · 04/06/2021 20:31

I really understand how you feel. Me and my partner discussed our finances early on when we weren't living together as we knew we were in it long term (he had savings and I didn't but we planned what to do with them together in relation to our future). I could not watch someone I loved be as stressed as you were without offering help. Like you say just shopping now and again would have been so nice. Where do you go from here? Do you think it's something you can get past?

TillyTopper · 04/06/2021 20:33

I think it depends on how committed he feels to the relationship. However, I think he should have at least offered food and checked you were ok. Perhaps he just doesn't think? Perhaps he's not in it for the long haul. Tbh it would seem strange he didn't ask if you were ok for food etc at the very least. But I wouldn't have expected him to help out with the 11k bearing in minds it's only 2 years and you don't live together.

mindutopia · 04/06/2021 20:37

I can remember when Dh and I were together 2 years. Our finances were very separate and we didn’t live together. If we were doing something together (a holiday), and I had more money, yes, I’d pay more. I’d be pretty annoyed though if he expected me to pick up the tab for his living expenses. Because we didn’t live together and it was a fairly new relationship. If your finances were combined though, I think it would be different because you should be contributing equitably according to your income.

TheLastLotus · 04/06/2021 20:43

How much of this 11K drop was actually visible? Was it causing you to cut into savings? Or did you just have not much money left over?
Also are you saying that he did not show any concern, none at all when you told him how stressed you were?
If I was dating someone barring them having not enough money to buy food I would listen and say the right things when they vent.
But why should I give them any money to sustain the same lifestyle? I might pay for us going out once or twice but if they couldn't afford it I'd just do cheap stuff at theirs.

TheLastLotus · 04/06/2021 20:44

Also people moaning about others 'not offering help' is one of my pet peeves.
People are not minf readers.
Not 'showing concern' and not 'offering help' are two different things.
Which one (or both) is your issue here?

MadMadMadamMim · 04/06/2021 20:47

@Roanpony

His lack of any offer of support suggests he sees you more as a casual girlfriend. Combined with the fact you don’t live together & have separate finances.
This. Also agree with pp saying he has children from a past relationship to support.

I'm not sure why you think he should have offered you money, any more than any of your other friends or family should have done.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2021 20:58

You're saying you wanted emotional support and for him to support you to find a way through rather than cash but you're only upset now you know he has "spare" cash. Surely it was clear at the time that he wasn't offering you any emotional support?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/06/2021 21:05

Yes, 100%. He had a 1500 bill a few months in and he raised it a few times. I asked him twice if he was covered

OP, you said this ^. I don't really understand what good it would have done for you to ask if he was 'covered'? I mean, you weren't and aren't in any position to have covered him. It's just words.

I get that you feel unsupported but your relationship isn't one where you're sharing your lives including finances or decision-making about them. You're wanting this sort of set-up - and he doesn't. He really doesn't because anybody who really did want to be 'all in it together' would have made these overtures. He's quite happy being separate and he treats his money accordingly.

I'm not sure that he's wrong; if the boot were on the other foot, you would be advised to hang on to what's yours and not pay for another grown adult. He's not right or wrong, he's just doing what he wants to do and it's not the same as what you say you would do, albeit it, it's an empty phrase to talk about 'cover' if you're not actually able to.

You know what he thinks and how he feels - his child is to be financially supported. Other adults in his life are to sort their own finances out. You know this now. Don't waste time and energy trying to do anything other than safeguard and improve your own position - for you. Just you.

andivfmakes3 · 04/06/2021 21:16

You've only been together 2 years and you don't live together.......🤷‍♀️

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