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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

RSVP to wedding with pretend allergies!

586 replies

TheBirdIsTheWord · 02/06/2021 14:25

NC as this is outing!

We've had a few RSVPs back for our wedding and suddenly all the 'allergies' are crawling out of the woodworks! So far we have cream, mushrooms, nuts, peppers, chilli and cheese and more!

Whilst some of them I know are genuine and we are of course accommodating them, others I know for a fact are BS because I've seen them eat these things regularly and be absolutely fine. It's frustrating because the most affordable option for catering to a large group of people all being served at the same time was to have a set menu. It's impossible to plan a set menu that accommodates every single person and to serve these individuals something different tailored to them will cost us extra per person on top of the set price. We're happy to do that for genuine allergies but not for people who we know are making it up. It feels like people are just saying they have allergies without caring about how inconvenient it is for us to rearrange the menu so they don't have to eat a mushroom or whatever. We are providing canapes, a three course meal, and a buffet, (and cake!!) so if they dont like one thing there'll be other options.

I dont really know what to do, I dont know whether to just ignore the silly ones that I know aren't true. I dont want to argue with anyone. I'm really surprised and disappointed with how many people are making things up as if they think I'm a bit thick and wont realize, or they just dont gaf about being unnecessarily difficult.

Is it U to reply and say 'we'll try to accommodate your allergy but in an catering environment cross contamination is always a risk. It would be useful to know where you keep your epipen in case of emergency?'

OP posts:
ememem84 · 03/06/2021 09:55

Wedding menus are a nightmare.

At ours we asked for allergies/dietary requirements. Out of 100 people we had:

3 vegan
18 veggie
1 no lamb
3 no fish
5 no “sauce”
1 Brazil nut allergy
1 shellfish allergy
And one Jewish friend and her partner who keep kosher.

To keep it easy we did this:

The veggies ate vegan.
The no fish ate vegan starter
We ignored the no lamb as we were serving chicken
Sauce was on the side of all dishes if applicable.
No Brazil nuts served but caterers were told about the allergy.
As above with shellfish allergy. The fish starter was cod and salmon.

My Jewish friends meal was cooked in a seperate kitchen and was kept kosher. They were advised that the plates and cutlery theyd used had never been used before so everything was good to go.

YellowScallion · 03/06/2021 10:00

The amount of times someone has offered me lactose free milk as a dairy free option is quite high.

Nothing surprises me, I'm often told about the vegan options when making enquiries about what is available gluten free.

babbaloushka · 03/06/2021 10:07

@worriedatthemoment

Why are there so many allergies nowadays I wonder ? Years ago you barely heard of them now they Seem common? I have a family member who recently told us he is allergic to peanuts , in the whole nearly 30 years we have known him , he has never said this before and there have been partied and food with peanuts etc, and claims he always has been I can only assume its not a serious allergy otherwise telling us 30 years ago may of been advisable I second checking if geniune allergies or just dislikes and maybe doing one very plain meal for allergie sufferers but yes cross contamination often can't be ruled out , especially with so many different ones
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-46302780

You might find this interesting, it's a combination of factors, and a worrying increase.

shakingstevensfan · 03/06/2021 10:18

It's why most wedding menus are chicken with a sauce and a vegan option.

Whyhello · 03/06/2021 10:21

Allergies can develop in later life. My friend is suddenly allergic to pepper for whatever reason so can’t season her food with it at all. My Nan kept having skin reactions in her early 70s so went for allergy tests and found out she was allergic to hazelnuts, she had no idea.

Anyway, if you genuinely think they’re all lying (weird thing to do!) just tell them you can’t cater for everyone so they can bring their own food.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 03/06/2021 10:27

@littlepattilou

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Many of those 'faddy eaters' have become that way because they found that different foods made them ill.

My sister was never a faddy eater, she just didn't eat because her 'asthma attacks' - ALLERGIES - made it hard for her to breathe long enough to have much food. Come 1971, when she was in emergency surgery for a collapsed lung, I'm sure nobody would have noticed she was or wasn't in school because she'd hardly been there in the first place and was so underweight and small due to lack of nutrition that they wouldn't have seen her unless she collapsed in front of them in assembly.

I just avoided/refused as many things as I could get away with - because even as a small child, I had begun to associate certain things with feeling crappier than usual - stomach ache, vomiting, daily headaches, itching, a permanently blocked nose, sudden occasions where I feel itching on the back of my hands and then I'd swell up and my lips would start blistering. However, because I refused things like pies, sausages, quiches, stews, soups, fish, tins of macaroni cheese, etc, despite happily eating vegetables if they weren't boiled to death, chicken (only ever bought once a week) and coming back from parties with new foods I liked - this got peanut butter & marmite into my diet, although the literally 'everything there' from the party for a Jewish girl wasn't realised to be 'because it was all dairy free', I was given dairy at almost every meal. So nothing changed until much later in life when I could decide what foods made me feel well. Which at one point involved declaring myself vegetarian, moving towards Vegan (as that would get me out of having dairy products) and yes, also led to an ED because nearly every fucking thing in the shops had something that would make me feel like shit in it.

In all honesty though, my dramatic reactions to medicines were more of a concern than my refusal to eat certain things. I have a lot of confirmed allergies to medication. No EpiPen required, because I don't take those things and have been trained since the 70s to know my medicine allergies and rattle them off the list ever increasing as I age to doctors and pharmacists fucking NSAIDs, one version of Vitamin D capsules and a Biologic now as well .

I'm still on Biologics for PsA (they regularly test for my forming antibodies towards them since the last allergy developing), but they don't solve all the symptoms. So I have to be a bit of a twat regarding cows' milk dairy - it's easier to say 'allergic to dairy' than 'well, I can manage 10ml of lactose free cow's milk or 12.5g of a mature cows' milk cheese if it's less than four days before or after a fortnightly jab, but I'm fine with goat or sheep cheese or yoghurt, not milk, though, within nine days either side or I'll have stomach pains, nausea and my entire immune system will flare up and start trying to continue to destroy my tendons or maybe my joints, maybe my heart, liver, kidneys or eyes, or maybe my hearing, I never know which one it is going to be'.

What annoys me is that whilst the cow/dairy thing is unequivocal, I know that wheat is also an issue. I don't want it to be. I resent it like hell. But if I eat it, I get the same stomach issues, a flare up in joints/tendons, flares in skin and I am in significantly greater pain. Eventually, I'm going to have to admit it to myself and others. But at the moment I keep it as an 'I prefer Rice/Potatoes' or 'How about courgette ribbons/cauliflower/etc instead of pasta?'.

I am so fucking glad I don't have issues with fruit, vegetables, beans, pulses, nuts or seeds, though. Or meat and fish/shellfish. Because I'd be bloody starving without those in my diet.

spongedog · 03/06/2021 10:50

ememem84

Wedding menus are a nightmare.

3 vegan
18 veggie
The veggies ate vegan.

Wow. So for the sake of 3 people you forced 18 others to eat a less desirable option. Why not make the whole meal vegan as all the meat eaters CAN EAT vegan? But prefer not to. Like me as a vegetarian. That level of ignorance is irritating. I might not have said anything to your face but I wouldnt have thought a lot of it.

shakingstevensfan · 03/06/2021 10:58

It is common to have two choices at a wedding. So yes meat plus vegan makes sense.
And being honest I have spent years hearing from vegetarians how anyone can manage not to eat meat for one meal. So vegetarians can manage not to eat dairy for one meal.

shrodingersbiscuit · 03/06/2021 11:01

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shakingstevensfan · 03/06/2021 11:05

In fairness, you can go without a dessert.

soreenqueen21 · 03/06/2021 11:06

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soreenqueen21 · 03/06/2021 11:11

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NeverDropYourMoonCup · 03/06/2021 11:14

@soreenqueen21

“Cream is worse for many lactose intolerant people than milk.”

LActose intolerance is not an allergy. Just pop a lactase pill, ffs!

You can have both at the same time.
shrodingersbiscuit · 03/06/2021 11:16

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soreenqueen21 · 03/06/2021 11:22

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DeathByWalkies · 03/06/2021 11:26

@schrodingersbiscuit I'd be making a formal complaint to the business, and if I didn't feel satisfied with the response I'd be calling the council's environmental health department, who inspect primarily for hygiene but will also require suitable allergen management in place.

I had a friendly conversation with the manager of a (normally respectable) local business whose staff member (the only one on shift at the time) didn't know the first thing about allergens and couldn't produce an allergen matrix on request. I was horrified. Manager was also suitably horrified and promised to sort it.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 03/06/2021 11:30

@soreenqueen21

You can have both at the same time

No. If you had a dairy allergy you would never describe yourself as lactose intolerant. You can't be intolerant to something you are allergic to, its a hierarchy.

Yes.

Different animals.

I can have dairy from a sheep or goat if it's processed into yoghurt/cheese with no adverse effects. Hence I have an intolerance to the lactose, which, as it contains less than cows' milk, the process has reduced it down to a level that does not cause symptoms.

I can't have dairy from a cow, whether it's processed or fresh from the teat. Because of the proteins. Hence an allergy.

I describe it - because people refuse to believe it - as I Don't Do Dairy. Easier that way.

soreenqueen21 · 03/06/2021 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ememem84 · 03/06/2021 11:32

@spongedog

ememem84

Wedding menus are a nightmare.

3 vegan
18 veggie
The veggies ate vegan.

Wow. So for the sake of 3 people you forced 18 others to eat a less desirable option. Why not make the whole meal vegan as all the meat eaters CAN EAT vegan? But prefer not to. Like me as a vegetarian. That level of ignorance is irritating. I might not have said anything to your face but I wouldnt have thought a lot of it.

The vegan option was a red Thai curry. Packed with veggies, coconut rice. It was really good. So I’m not sure how it was “less desirable”

To be fair yes. Why not make the whole meal vegan. But then wouldn’t I have been “forcing” everyone to eat vegan?

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 03/06/2021 11:37

I've even explained earlier that due to the immune supressing meds, I can just about get away with a microscopic amount of lactose free cow stuff around the time of the immune supressing injection. Because the medication stops the immune system reacting so violently to the protein in a very narrow window of opportunity and tiny amounts.

It's not an anaphylactic reaction. But it's still an allergy occurring at the same time as an intolerance to a related substance.

pigeonpocket · 03/06/2021 11:37

@soreenqueen21

You can have both at the same time

No. If you had a dairy allergy you would never describe yourself as lactose intolerant. You can't be intolerant to something you are allergic to, its a hierarchy.

Of course you can have both. It's not just cow's milk that contains lactose. You can be both allergic to the protein and intolerant to the sugar at the same time.

Lactose intolerance is very rare in infants because breastmilk is high in lactose. But some babies with cows milk protein allergy can develop secondary lactose intolerance and that means they then can't tolerate breastmilk either, even though breastmilk is not from a cow or other dairy animal.

ememem84 · 03/06/2021 11:38

@spongedog also no one was forced to do anything.

We had salt cod and salmon salad with su. Dried tomatoes to start (I forget what the vegan option was…)
Chicken with white wine tarragon sauce for mains veggies dauphinoise potatoes. Thai curry for the vegan/veggies
Dessert buffet with all vegan ice cream/gelato. At least 7 of the 10 dessert options were vegan.

RedMarauder · 03/06/2021 11:41

@soreenqueen21

“Cream is worse for many lactose intolerant people than milk.”

LActose intolerance is not an allergy. Just pop a lactase pill, ffs!

They don't work unless your lactose intolerance is new.

Both myself and a neighbour have been very ill from lactase pills and dairy products with lactose removed.

Unfortunately my neighbour was ill before I could warn her not to consume them.

Slothsloths · 03/06/2021 11:53

People don’t really understand the wide variety of allergies and intolerances. Did you know that not everyone with a nut allergy (or other allergies) is prescribed an epipen? Or that allergies can develop at any point in life? I react to certain varieties of a fruit and not others. So you might think “I’ve seen her eating pears” but that particular pear was safe for me.

I understand the frustration and the expense. As a multi-allergy household we live with that every day. We feel like a burden when we dare to accept social invitations. I agree that no one should use the term “allergy” flippantly but I don’t think that people often have the full picture. Trust me, it’s bleak.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 03/06/2021 12:48

They don't work unless your lactose intolerance is new.

Both myself and a neighbour have been very ill from lactase pills and dairy products with lactose removed.

Unfortunately my neighbour was ill before I could warn her not to consume them.

Yep! And I'm so adversely conditioned to the taste of diary I can't eat it.

So I ask for the vegan option in such settings and make sure I have snacks and even eat ahead of time (particularly on flights).