RSVP to wedding with pretend allergies!

[TheBirdIsTheWord]

NC as this is outing!

We've had a few RSVPs back for our wedding and suddenly all the 'allergies' are crawling out of the woodworks! So far we have cream, mushrooms, nuts, peppers, chilli and cheese and more!

Whilst some of them I know are genuine and we are of course accommodating them, others I know for a fact are BS because I've seen them eat these things regularly and be absolutely fine. It's frustrating because the most affordable option for catering to a large group of people all being served at the same time was to have a set menu. It's impossible to plan a set menu that accommodates every single person and to serve these individuals something different tailored to them will cost us extra per person on top of the set price. We're happy to do that for genuine allergies but not for people who we know are making it up. It feels like people are just saying they have allergies without caring about how inconvenient it is for us to rearrange the menu so they don't have to eat a mushroom or whatever. We are providing canapes, a three course meal, and a buffet, (and cake!!) so if they dont like one thing there'll be other options.

I dont really know what to do, I dont know whether to just ignore the silly ones that I know aren't true. I dont want to argue with anyone. I'm really surprised and disappointed with how many people are making things up as if they think I'm a bit thick and wont realize, or they just dont gaf about being unnecessarily difficult.

Is it U to reply and say 'we'll try to accommodate your allergy but in an catering environment cross contamination is always a risk. It would be useful to know where you keep your epipen in case of emergency?'

I really think we need to get better in our language around allergies - you're only allergic if it might kill or hospitalise you, you have an intolerance if it makes you slightly ill, and if you just prefer not to eat something, it's a preference

That is COMPLETELY inaccurate - perhaps you need to learn the language yourself.

An allergy (autoimmune reaction) does not always kill you or make you hospitalised. Not all allergies result in anaphylaxis or need an Epipen. But an allergy is ALWAYS serious.

Intolerance reactions (digestive reaction) can vary but can also be extremely serious. Just because it's more of a delayed reaction doesn't mean it can't be serious. Having diahrrea for 7 days straight is not "slightly ill".

I'm severely allergic to eggs but I've never had anaphylaxis (fingers crossed), or needed a hospital visit for it beyond the age of 3. I was diagnosed at a hospital with an allergy skin prick test. (Back in the 70s - I was literally the only person I knew then that had an allergy, no one had heard of it)

I can't eat anything at all with eggs in or I get an immediate scary reaction - projectile vomiting that lasts for hours, extreme stomach pain/bloating, red hives/welts on my skin, eczema flare up, asthma flare up... it's absolutely hideous. Sometimes I get only one or two of the reactions, sometimes all of them. But never needed hospitalisation.

@saraclara

When I was a child/teen (1970s, and early 1980s,) there was nothing.

My brother (born 1960) was violently allergic to cows milk. And if anyone thinks it's hard to get people to take allergies seriously now, just imagine what it was like then.

When he was five, a dinner lady decided that this was just a fad (despite the headteacher sharing his hospital consultants letter with the staff) and force fed him custard.
He was in hospital for a week after that episode.

I remember having to explain to my primary school teacher in the 70s what the word "allergy" meant!

Allergies don’t have to hospitalize you to count as allergies. They can also be cumulative so each exposure makes the next much riskier.

Some of the things I’m allergic to only cause a horrific rash that covers my whole body, makes me incapable of sleeping, and causes me to fantasize about flaying my own skin off. Oh and it lasts 4-6 weeks.

Just a note on no shows, Op - it happens! We had a v small wedding way before covid and has a sit down three course meal doe everyone even still we had 5 no shows out of 45 guests on the day. I was actually really shocked but there you go...

all the weddings I have been to were buffets & the vegetarians etc. just sorted themselves.

@lljkk

all the weddings I have been to were buffets & the vegetarians etc. just sorted themselves.

So what would those of us with allergies eat?

OP, not all allergies require an epipen.

I am allergic to certain types of shellfish. It's not a severe allergy and doesn't require an epipen. But if I eat certain shellfish I will have chronic diarrhoea within 20 minutes. I will be in the loo for several hours unable to leave. I might also throw up but that's less likely. Its not life threatening but it's not pleasant.

I'd be pretty pissed off if someone said I couldn't be allergic because I haven't got an epipen!

The person who said they're allergic to cream might not be able to eat it due to gallbladder removal but didn't want to go into their medical history on a wedding rsvp.

It's worth repeating - allergies don't always require epipens.

I'm not allergic to anything but I'm breastfeeding a baby with multiple allergies. She won't die if she (or I) eat them but she will be very very sick, and even a tiny amount will cause pain because it's an immune response to the proteins. A year ago you might have seen me eat lots of foods that I now can't eat. Doesn't mean I don't have to avoid them now.

Like saying they're allergic to cheese and going out for dinner together and ordering .... a cauliflower cheese!!!

You need to understand allergies better before you're so dismissive of them.

Cooking the proteins makes them less allergenic. Something like 70% of egg allergy sufferers can tolerate baked egg but lightly cooked or raw egg will make them very ill or even cause an anaphylactic reaction.

My daughter has cmpa (among other allergies). We have started the milk ladder and she can tolerate milk baked for 30 minutes at 180 degrees if it's in a wheat matrix. So basically she can eat cake and Yorkshire puddings made with milk now. She can't eat anything else with milk in, and if she has anything high up the ladder like uncooked cheese, yoghurt or milk then she will be very sick (projectile vomiting, hives, pain, up screaming all night). You seem to think that just because it won't kill her then I shouldn't declare allergies, but why would I put my baby through that? Exposure can also cause long term gut damage and increase the chances of the next exposure having a more severe reaction.

So you might see somebody who is allergic to milk be able to eat cake or cauliflower cheese. But a slice of uncooked cheese could make them very sick. It's quite hard to put that in an allergy request, especially for a wedding menu when you don't know what you're getting and it's difficult to talk to the catering staff on the day, and so it's easier to just state the allergen and avoid it altogether.

The point is the Op will have to pay a fortune to cater for people with allergies and intolerances even if all 100% genuine.What do you do when people are invited but the food bill has skyrocketed ?

Well the OP hasn't said how much it will cost, just that her friends dear enough to be invited to her wedding don't deserve it because she knows better than they do how food affects them and everyone else.

Apparently she doesn't know them well enough to have this conversation with them, which is the logical thing to do.

@EmmaGrundyForPM

OP, not all allergies require an epipen.

I am allergic to certain types of shellfish. It's not a severe allergy and doesn't require an epipen. But if I eat certain shellfish I will have chronic diarrhoea within 20 minutes. I will be in the loo for several hours unable to leave. I might also throw up but that's less likely. Its not life threatening but it's not pleasant.

I'd be pretty pissed off if someone said I couldn't be allergic because I haven't got an epipen!

This is exactly the response i now have to salmon. Not at all pleasant. But no epipen required.

@pigeonpocket

Like saying they're allergic to cheese and going out for dinner together and ordering .... a cauliflower cheese!!!

You need to understand allergies better before you're so dismissive of them.

Cooking the proteins makes them less allergenic. Something like 70% of egg allergy sufferers can tolerate baked egg but lightly cooked or raw egg will make them very ill or even cause an anaphylactic reaction.

My daughter has cmpa (among other allergies). We have started the milk ladder and she can tolerate milk baked for 30 minutes at 180 degrees if it's in a wheat matrix. So basically she can eat cake and Yorkshire puddings made with milk now. She can't eat anything else with milk in, and if she has anything high up the ladder like uncooked cheese, yoghurt or milk then she will be very sick (projectile vomiting, hives, pain, up screaming all night). You seem to think that just because it won't kill her then I shouldn't declare allergies, but why would I put my baby through that? Exposure can also cause long term gut damage and increase the chances of the next exposure having a more severe reaction.

So you might see somebody who is allergic to milk be able to eat cake or cauliflower cheese. But a slice of uncooked cheese could make them very sick. It's quite hard to put that in an allergy request, especially for a wedding menu when you don't know what you're getting and it's difficult to talk to the catering staff on the day, and so it's easier to just state the allergen and avoid it altogether.

That assumes people care.

Allergies/intolerances to the constituent chemicals in food will often vary with the method of preparation. Cooking, fermenting and other processing can destroy or denature the allergen.

DH has the allergy to an enzyme which appears in some fruit and nuts. Its particularly common in people with tree pollen hay fever. Oh and he has an epipen so he "qualifies" for the OP's derision.

Its a really common allergy but some people experience it as an unpleasant burning sensation, others get hay fever symptoms, scaling up to severe breathing difficulties. For most if the fruit/nuts are heat treated for long enough then the enzyme is destroyed and the cooked food is fine.

However all these people are likely to say "no X" if simply asked for allergens because its not worth the risk. They may well have been seen eating those foods at home or somewhere where they know the preparation makes them safe.

But always much more fun to bash people with food problems rather than ask them for more details.

My niece is 32, and just recently become VERY dairy intolerant. Diarrhoea, cramps, vomits, bloats. She was absolutely fine to age 31. People are more likely to find out what is causing their problems now, than in the past. Allergies and intolerances can start at any time of life. I agree there will be some chancers on the list though. What a pain.

Buffets aren't safe for people with allergies.
People with preferences and mild intolerances might be able to avoid the things that they can't eat, but people with allergies or things like coeliac disease can't. A tiny crumb of cross contamination is enough to trigger an allergic response and especially at a wedding you just cannot trust people not to mix utensils or spill things.

@C8H10N4O2 maybe if she did know how much it was going to cost a large number of them wouldn’t have made the invitee list 😂

Thing is though - what if an unusually large proportion of them DO have allergies...? It’s not a very easy situation to deal with

Also this is a wedding dinner, not someone’s meal ordered at a restaurant. As actual people with allergies have mentioned in situation like this they’d just sort their own food. There’s likely to be at least one course that they can eat.

Yes OP may be a bit ignorant about allergies but she really doesn’t deserve the bashing she’s gotten on here (a lot focused on the épipén remark). Weddings are expensive and stressful to plan especially in this climate

maybe if she did know how much it was going to cost a large number of them wouldn’t have made the invitee list

Which is a lot more honest and entirely their choice.

The OP has specifically said she hasn't invited obligation relatives just Everyone I have invited I have a very good, maintained relationship with. but apparently not maintained a relationship in which she can ask a simple question.

I can't think of any friend I've "maintained a good relationship with" for years whom I couldn't ask a simple question about the nature of the problem to ensure I could cater for them properly, rather than snark about them on SM.

It's clear that a lot of people are very ignorant and dismissive about allergies and intolerances.

Yes they really honestly can start at any age. And they can get worse (or better) over time.

The amount, cooking method or format can make a big difference with intolerances like lactose intolerance. It's perfectly common for people who are lactose intolerant to be able to have a bit of milk or cheese etc, but for certain things (e.g. cream) to set them off. By saying they need to avoid cream, they are trying to limit the range of things they're asking you to avoid!

No, they are not all the same level of seriousness, but that doesn't mean that the non-fatal ones can't cause extreme discomfort or make you feel really ill or be sick.

And no, it is not known why they are becoming more prevalent. But they are. Increased prevalence does not mean they are fake.

Serve what you want. Have a vegan option that avoids as many of the allergens as possible. Then vegetarians, vegans and people with intolerances or allergies can choose which option or bring their own.

Do people really think an allergy is only an allergy if you need an epipen and/or it'd hospitalise or kill you? What about hay fever, is that not an allergy then?

I would only ask vegetarian or vegan and then those with a life threatening allergy would surely contact you to check ingredients and then I'd order them the food they could safely eat.

Surely with cream it just means they are served the same but without a sauce? So chicken breast for example without a sauce.

Also for all the lactose intolerants - you can buy Lactase enzyme tablets easily in places like Holland and Barratts.

And whilst they sort of work, it's limited, at least in me. Because I'm in my 50s and have been lactose intolerant all my life before you could buy tablets, I'm now very adversely conditioned to the taste of diary. I will not eat it as it makes me gag or worse. I just ask for vegan meals at events like weddings or on flights.

People with real allergies just eat beforehand. Or eat around whatever's available. A good caterer will be able to provide an alternative that fits around most people and the ones who can't eat every single thing, if genuine will fend for themselves.

Sure, I could eat around the mushrooms in a meal (even though I told the organisers/caterers that I'm allergic but they decided I'm actually just being fussy) but if I did I'd vomit over everyone's meals.
I actually keep snacks in my bag now when I go to catered events because I don't trust people.

Also for all the lactose intolerants - you can buy Lactase enzyme tablets easily in places like Holland and Barratts.

It's also really annoying when people confuse lactose intolerance with dairy/milk allergy. The amount of times someone has offered me lactose free milk as a dairy free option is quite high.