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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son wants GF to stay over.....

234 replies

steinber · 02/06/2021 11:46

My son is 17 his GF 16. They've been together almost a year though the pandemic did restrict them from seeing each other for a while. They are both sensible but young for their age. I'm not aware of there being a ongoing sexual relationship. Is it really any of my business? He's our first born so this situation is new to us.

Today my son asked if his GF can stay over on Friday night. Im sure he means in with him and not the guest room! I'm not entirely comfortable about it. We have another child (11). I'm trying to be rational etc but can't really explain why I'm not ready for that to happen in my home yet. I need some advice and opinions. AIBU?

OP posts:
TownTalkJewels · 02/06/2021 20:15

When I was a teenager, I had a few friends whose parents thought they weren’t sexually active and had rules about overnight stays... they were the ones who had sex with their bfs in car parks.

Sorry OP, but I think you need to be a bit more realistic! Teenagers do what they’re going to do. Better to do it in your house than in the bushes!

Karwomannghia · 02/06/2021 20:17

I’m fine with it with ds’s boyfriend both 16. But it was never an issue for me growing up either. Why create a sense of shame when there needn’t be one?

Girlonthego · 02/06/2021 20:19

Reminds me of Phil Jupitus on Live at the Apollo the other night:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=zhdpBCCChMk

IHaveBrilloHair · 02/06/2021 20:27

ConsuelaHammock
Essentially children?
I'm assuming you want your essential child to go to Uni next year, live in halls and have no parental advice on hand...

qualitygirl · 02/06/2021 20:30

@Karwomannghia it's not about shame. There's nothing "wrong" with sex. I will be explaining to mine that it's all very natural but it "should" be something you do with someone you love and when you are mature enough. It's not something you do as a teenager, when you can't actually deal with the repercussions (of which there can be so so many! Physically and emotionally!) Personally I don't think 16/17 is mature enough to have sex and understand what it is you are truly doing.

Cas112 · 02/06/2021 20:38

@Viviennemary

It gives a bad example to younger children in the house. And encourages promiscuity.
Oh noGrin
WelcometoJam · 02/06/2021 20:42

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WelcometoJam · 02/06/2021 20:47

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Tiredmum100 · 02/06/2021 20:50

Personally I can't see why not. I went to disney land Paris for my 16th birthday with my boyfriend, just the 2 of us. We'd had sex plenty of times by then. We use to stay at each others houses.

Crowsaregreat · 02/06/2021 20:51

You cannot stop teenagers from having sex. Overnight stays add way more snuggles than fucking, really.

You could lay down ground rules about not wanting to hear any noises and them behaving appropriately in shared parts of the house.

Bluehope19 · 02/06/2021 20:52

Honestly, I was staying over my boyfriends house at 15 and him staying over at mine. We were allowed to share a bedroom, but I’ve always had an open relationship with my mum where we discussed contraception - to this day I openly discuss contraception to my mum. She can’t have done a bad job as I am now married to the boy who stayed in my room at 15 and we had 0 pregnancy scares and had our first baby at the age of 25.

Oswin · 02/06/2021 20:52

[quote qualitygirl]@Karwomannghia it's not about shame. There's nothing "wrong" with sex. I will be explaining to mine that it's all very natural but it "should" be something you do with someone you love and when you are mature enough. It's not something you do as a teenager, when you can't actually deal with the repercussions (of which there can be so so many! Physically and emotionally!) Personally I don't think 16/17 is mature enough to have sex and understand what it is you are truly doing. [/quote]
Why do you need to be in love to have sex?

scrambledcustard · 02/06/2021 20:53

[quote qualitygirl]@Karwomannghia it's not about shame. There's nothing "wrong" with sex. I will be explaining to mine that it's all very natural but it "should" be something you do with someone you love and when you are mature enough. It's not something you do as a teenager, when you can't actually deal with the repercussions (of which there can be so so many! Physically and emotionally!) Personally I don't think 16/17 is mature enough to have sex and understand what it is you are truly doing. [/quote]
I agree but I think some posters feel like they should put the electric blanket on for them and put a basket of condoms at the side of the bed..

Serpenta · 02/06/2021 20:54

Is marrying your teenage sweetheart regarded as the gold standard? Out of my hands of course but I'd really hope my child would live a little first. Travel, by themselves and with friends, sleep with a few people, have some single person adventures.

qualitygirl · 02/06/2021 20:57

@Oswin so you don't think that for your first time you should feel like you love a person? Personally I think "love"is more important the younger you are. Having sex with some random person wouldn't exactly be the most ideal way to lose your virginity or be a feel good factor in any way. So yeah I would say love is important. Do you not agree @Oswin?

Twobigsapphires · 02/06/2021 21:03

I was allowed to stay over at my bf and him at mine when we were 16. We were together 4 years.
My ds is 18 and has been seeing his gf (17) for 5 months and I let her stay over and visa versa.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/06/2021 21:05

Trust me the chances are they are have sex or at least planning to.
What do you think they've been doing op. Playing monopoly or snakes and ladders. They're a young couple of legal age. You can't and you never will stop them. If you don't allow it under your roof. I guarantee they'll find somewhere else.

CorianderBee · 02/06/2021 21:28

@Catflapkitkat

You say yes, but in the spare room (your house your rules) and then ignore the sound of someone sneaking along the corridor
This. It's what my mum did 😂
IHaveBrilloHair · 02/06/2021 21:44

Serpenta
I don't think so certainly not by me, but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing either.
I posted about Dd and her Bf more to say that it doesn't mean anything bad happens.
Time will tell, but if they don't stay together, I certainly don't think me allowing them to stay over in my home has anything to do with it, especially since they now have their own home!
Dd knows where I am, and knows I listen and don't judge no matter what she tells me, and there's things I'd rather not have known.

wherewildflowersgrow · 02/06/2021 23:11

It's not easy. However I regret allowing it as it then became a frequent habit and Dd told me afterwards (when they had split) that on reflection I should have refused. So beware!

wherewildflowersgrow · 02/06/2021 23:13

That is two separate reasons, by the way. A third consideration is the number of bathrooms in your house, if you end up risking a frequent overnight visitor.

IHaveBrilloHair · 02/06/2021 23:24

Bathrooms?
You can't allow it unless you have more than one Bathroom?
That's just silly.

wherewildflowersgrow · 02/06/2021 23:31

Depends on the size of your family and potential queues in the morning. Just not silly in your house, perhaps?

CatsArePeople · 03/06/2021 11:53

Just the fact there are younger kids in the house, that should be enough to say a strict no.

TellMeMoreThanThis · 03/06/2021 11:56

@LucilleTheVampireBat

YABU. This is the reason I moved out at 18.

My daughter's boyfriend stays over loads. She's 18, although only turned 18 in April and he had been staying a good while before that.

Big difference between 18 and 16