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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son wants GF to stay over.....

234 replies

steinber · 02/06/2021 11:46

My son is 17 his GF 16. They've been together almost a year though the pandemic did restrict them from seeing each other for a while. They are both sensible but young for their age. I'm not aware of there being a ongoing sexual relationship. Is it really any of my business? He's our first born so this situation is new to us.

Today my son asked if his GF can stay over on Friday night. Im sure he means in with him and not the guest room! I'm not entirely comfortable about it. We have another child (11). I'm trying to be rational etc but can't really explain why I'm not ready for that to happen in my home yet. I need some advice and opinions. AIBU?

OP posts:
scrambledcustard · 02/06/2021 16:06

Pretending yours are chaste and wouldn’t consider any thing remotely sexual is naive and pearl clutching in the extreme @Bluntness100

Where have I suggested that? Confused Not sure why your making stuff up ...

IHaveBrilloHair · 02/06/2021 16:10

What exactly is wrong with sex?
It's an enjoyable, fun activity if done safely, legally, and with consent at all times.

RantyAnty · 02/06/2021 16:17

I say no.

I followed what my parents did. No sleepovers. No boys/girls in bedrooms. It was the 70s and there were lots of shaggin wagons.

I wasn't under any illusion my DC weren't having sex. It didn't happen in my home If was a safe haven for them.

RantyAnty · 02/06/2021 16:23

@WellTidy

hahaha my parents did the same thing to me and my fiance and I had a baby. We had separate bedrooms when we visited them. Grin

My mum and dad have long passed but I'm sitting here smiling how old fashioned and corny it was and I love them for that.

Auntienumber8 · 02/06/2021 16:28

We had this a couple of years ago with exactly the same ages but DS GF Father was having none of it. So his GF didn’t stay over night till she was 18 and they had been dating for 18 months. We were ok with it but obviously her Fathers wishes were respected. I was brought up with exceptionally strict patenting Asian style. I didn’t even tell my Father I was dating till I had met DH and he had asked me to marry him.

There is a middle ground. I think as they have been together for a year I can see why they asked. We had chats with DS about safe practices and consent etc. My DS and his GF will have been together for 3 years soon. They are so lovely together but so young.

Shorthairlady · 02/06/2021 16:31

@scrambledcustard I am interested in the contraption they would be using Grin. I must say that did give me a bit of a giggle.

Pinkylemons · 02/06/2021 16:31

Yanbu - tell him what you’ve told us. Are her parents ok with it I wonder?

WellTidy · 02/06/2021 16:35

@RantyAnty I never actually asked my parents if a boyfriend could stay in my room. I always knew the answer would be no. The spare room was always ready for guests, so boyfriends were welcome to stay, but there was no question whatsoever that it would be in the spare room. And I would never have dared creeping into the room in the night, the house was tiny and my mum is the lightest of sleepers, and the fallout would have been horrific.

I think though that as I was at university and then lived away from home, I did have freedom to do what I wanted. And so abiding by my parents rules when we went to stay was never a big deal as it was only ever for a few nights. Maybe if I was living at home permanently when I was 18 and older I’d have felt differently about it.

Pinkylemons · 02/06/2021 16:38

[quote qualitygirl]@Waxonwaxoff0 not all teenagers have sex though in random places or at all. I didn't have sex until I was nearly 19. Had 3 boyfriends before that too. [/quote]
I was 19 too, despite living on my own from 16. MN makes me laugh saying “they ARE having sex” like it’s fact! And that us parents of 16 year olds are naive. Not all 16 year olds are having sex!

VeganCheesePlease · 02/06/2021 16:44

I think the advice about maybe having her over for the evening to start with is solid advice. Gives them private time (and plenty of time to not be having sex down alley ways as some were saying 🙄) but also gives your son his space and prevent things getting too seriously too quickly. And an open talk about contraception would definitely be a good idea.

lillylemons · 02/06/2021 17:15

Personally, I would allow it because I'd rather them be safe indoors than finding somewhere they may not be safe. How do the girls parents feel about it.

chesirecat99 · 02/06/2021 17:17

@Catflapkitkat

You say yes, but in the spare room (your house your rules) and then ignore the sound of someone sneaking along the corridor
This was my line. I was always very open with my DC about sex, contraception and consent, and they were comfortable talking about sex with me. I think it was probably easier to deal when they were older because they already knew my beliefs were don't rush into sex, don't give in to peer pressure, always practice safe sex and consent is too low a bar, go for enthusiasm. They understood without needing to discuss it that I wasn't going to do anything to encourage them to share a bed but equally, I trusted them to do the right thing.

My eldest DS did later point out that they just snuck in together when I was asleep but my argument was that his GF might have wanted her own space to make a phone call or use the bathroom (it had an ensuite), I did not want to encourage them to have sex when they were teenagers, and, if his GF did sneak into his room, it was her choice. If I let her sleep in his room that suggests that both he and I had expectations that they might have sex, which would have put pressure on her to go along with it. It would have been far harder for her to leave his room than it was to sneak in. And vice versa, it would also have put pressure on him to have sex, whether he was ready or not, if I put them in the same room. He is in agreement that it was the best strategy.

tentimesaday · 02/06/2021 17:52

@chesirecat99 A lot of wisdom in that.

ConsuelaHammock · 02/06/2021 17:57

I wouldn’t allow it in my house. They’re essentially children. What’s wrong with dating and going home to their own beds at the end of the date ?

Mummyto293 · 02/06/2021 18:14

Honestly my parents were always very laid back until it came to anyone staying at my house. I could stay at my boyfriends house and go on holiday with him but he was not able to stay in bed with me under their roof until we had our first child and we had moved out (and stayed the occasional night at their house). They always said it was their house their rules, we could do whatever we wanted but not under their roof. It didn’t really bother me to be honest. Now my children are getting older I understand their reservations.
I think when my children are 18 I’d allow partners to stay over but I have a while for that situation to arise.

Atalantea · 02/06/2021 18:18

@Viviennemary

It gives a bad example to younger children in the house. And encourages promiscuity.
Sure op son is very promiscuous, you can tell that by the way he has been dating gf for almost a year.... Hmm
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 02/06/2021 18:56

I was sleeping at my boyfriends when I turned 17. Yes we were having sex and it was the great as we had the perfect place then to do it. Much less sneaking around, we could plan ahead to be safe (buy condoms) etc. Not out drinking and shagging in a car or alleyway. Bf parents were fine about it and we respected their home (we were quiet). My parents weren't keen but pretty sure they just convinced themselves we were in different rooms (they never asked but that's the impression I got). We were sensible about it and it sounds like your son is trying to be sensible too. I was certainly grateful to spend what felt like time as an adult with my Bf and I got to know his parents well as I was around their house alot. I married my Bf BTW. Been together 19 years Grin

Bbq1 · 02/06/2021 18:58

No I wouldn't especially with an 11 year old in the house.

Bbq1 · 02/06/2021 18:58

@Viviennemary

It gives a bad example to younger children in the house. And encourages promiscuity.
And this
AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 02/06/2021 19:41

Actually thinking back to some of the relationships I was in at that age as well, I was glad my parents wouldn’t allow it as it meant my room was my safe space where I could be away from the intensity of some of those relationships

EverythingRuined · 02/06/2021 20:01

All four of my now adult kids had long term bfs/gfs as teens who we let stay over. It seemed normal to us. I wouldn’t have wanted people I didn’t know staying in the house but I knew all of their bfs/gfs.
I don’t think it sett them up for a life of promiscuity. 😅 They all seemed very fond of their gfs/bfs and I think they benefited from having the stability and support that a long(ish) term bf/gf gives. TBF I wonder if having a relationship in your teens makes you less likely to sleep around.

I wouldn’t ask my kids but I know I had a great sex life as a teen with a lad I dated for a few years. We were young, energetic and we had no responsibilities. It’s a great age to have sex. It was really good uncomplicated fun.

CatsArePeople · 02/06/2021 20:03

You need to say no. The girl is just 16. Legal age for sex, but wouldn't encourage it. There is always a danger of pregnancy.

Serpenta · 02/06/2021 20:11

'TBF I wonder if having a relationship in your teens makes you less likely to sleep around.'

Doubt it.

Serpenta · 02/06/2021 20:12

I see parents who are keen to see their teens in 'settled' relationships and it makes me uneasy.

InFiveMins · 02/06/2021 20:14

YABU. They are in a committed relationship and old enough to have sex.

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