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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is too messy/dirty...long-term problem

174 replies

DumbestBlonde · 02/06/2021 01:06

He is mid-40s, and has been my closest friend for about 18 years. His family had a farm (turkeys, potatoes, cattle), and then focussed on horses, which is how we became friends. It has never been romantic (although he a bit of a things about me at first) and I was married when I first took my horses to their yard.

The farmhouse was always - -- messy, I'm sorry to say. His mother was overworked by her husband (constantly buyinghorses and leaving her to look after them), so never had chance to look after the domestic side of things..... She worked so hard (for no money) that she missed a mammogram that could have spotted the breast cancer that then metastisised to her liver and killed her in her mid 50s.

Sorry for backstory...... Anyway, he and I have both come "down" in the world and now live a few doors apart - both in rented properties (and yet both have wealthy fathers as it happens).

i have unfortunately fallen into a pattern of following his schedule around his work and horse....Meaning that I have actually made myself quite unwell by starving myself to eat later. I have also usually prepared the meal, using a digital pressure cooker - so the food is at least very very healthy......

BUT - he is taking NO care at all of his apartment. And, I am sorry to say, it is filthy..... The furniture was brought from the farm and is very old and the soft furnishing s ae ingrained with the dirt of years. He will not wipe surfaces in the kitchen (I prepare the food there, to leave it ready on a timer for later), or the floor, or the drainer - pr antthing pretty much. There is a thick layer of dust on everything, from the skirting boards up. The only thing that is kept clean is my piano (by me), which is in his spare room, as my neighbours hate the pinao, and his previous upstairs neighbour didn't mind.

I fear very much that he never changes his bedlinen and I have seen briefly though a slightly open door, that there are just piles of dirty clothes, leaving a path to his bed.

He saves the serviettes that I have used....... (??)

I don't know what to do.... I have tried hinting - and occasionally say outright, "please could you just clean this little area?" Tonight, I asked hin to clean an area for the bags of cat food, and he looked so affronted, even though I said it quite kindly and matter-of-factly...

I cannot clean FOR him; I have done so before, and he gets quite offended (and sulky) about it. One occasion, back at the farm, it was impossible to even get into the house though all the tack and horse junk in the porch. I tried to, again, matter-of-factly, help him go through it - but he would not LET me do it (I was less attached/emotional), nor would he help me. It was so infuriating - and when the day came to leave the farmhouse (his father had sold it from under him), it all had to be done and cleared in one day because he hadn't done anything beforehand.

It may well be a trait, and it may well be depression of some sort - which I would understand....and try to help. But, for now, it is really putting me off going round and/or cooking - and it is having an underlying negative effect on the friendship.

How do I help him? (And the friendship, which is being damaged.)

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 02/06/2021 02:46

Why are you preparing food in a filthy kitchen and having your mealtimes dictated by his work patterns, none of this makes any sense!

Start cooking in your own house to suit your own life pattern. Keep making him a portion if you want to but just take it over and leave it for him to eat whenever he wants.

You can keep encouraging him to get help with his cleaning - and any underlying mental health issues - but prioritise your own health above this!

JustJoinedRightNow · 02/06/2021 02:49

It’s a bit unclear, have you morphed into a sort of relationship with him OP? Why are you waiting to eat with him? Are you still married and what is your partner saying about all of this.

That being said, he sounds like he could well be depressed and is possibly hoarding ( saving your napkins etc).

Doesn’t sound a healthy set up at all I’m afraid.

SarahBellam · 02/06/2021 02:59

You’re not his mum. Why are you cooking for him and even making yourself ill for him? You can’t make him clean - he’s a grown man, it’s his flat, and it’s up to him to do what he wants with his own accommodation. You can only control your response to it. If you don’t like it don’t go and tell him why.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 02/06/2021 03:00

Why are you cooking and cleaning for him, and scheduling your meal times around him?! It might not be a sexual relationship, but you do sound a bit like an old married couple.

If I were you I'd stop going round to his dirty flat, I"d stop cooking for him every night and eat when I was hungry rather than wait for him. I'd cook in my own nice clean kitchen, and tell him he's welcome to come round for dinner once or twice a week.

FlowerArranger · 02/06/2021 03:06

it is really putting me off going round and/or cooking - and it is having an underlying negative effect on the friendship

This is no friendship.
Stop 'going round and/or cooking'.
What on earth is in this for you?
No...... just dont!!

melj1213 · 02/06/2021 03:10

You have no obligation to do any of the things you do so just stop doing them. You cannot change other people's behaviours, you can only change your reaction to them.

i have unfortunately fallen into a pattern of following his schedule around his work and horse

Why? You are not obliged to follow his schedule, set your own - if it fits with his then great, otherwise you can see each other another time

I prepare the food there, to leave it ready on a timer for later

Why? Make your own food in your own kitchen - if you want to make enough for him and take it round then you can still do that, but you are choosing to make the food.

I fear very much that he never changes his bedlinen and I have seen briefly though a slightly open door, that there are just piles of dirty clothes, leaving a path to his bed.

Does this affect you? If not then leave him to it, if he wants to sleep in rancid bedsheets then that is his choice. Unless he's trying to get you in there then it's his business when he changes his sheets.

Meaning that I have actually made myself quite unwell by starving myself to eat later.

That is a sign of you making yourself a martyr - you were never obligated to do this, and even if you wanted to eat together later, there's no reason not to have a snack or something earlier.

AbsentmindedWoman · 02/06/2021 03:22

i have unfortunately fallen into a pattern of following his schedule around his work and horse....Meaning that I have actually made myself quite unwell by starving myself to eat later. I have also usually prepared the meal, using a digital pressure cooker - so the food is at least very very healthy......

Confused

What do you mean? Do you mean you cook for him and eat together regularly?

Why are you doing this if it doesn't suit your needs? This is a bit mad.

grapewine · 02/06/2021 03:35

melj1213 has it.

This sounds both strange and unhealthy. You need to stop doing everything for him and to his timetable. Way, way too enmeshed. Time to step back.

Iniyat · 02/06/2021 03:36

Your life is so complicated.

FourTurnings · 02/06/2021 03:41

I don’t understand this post. Sounds like a wierd set up.

Kokeshi123 · 02/06/2021 03:53

i have unfortunately fallen into a pattern of following his schedule around his work and horse....Meaning that I have actually made myself quite unwell by starving myself to eat later. I have also usually prepared the meal, using a digital pressure cooker - so the food is at least very very healthy......

OP, your post is confusing. Are you in a relationship with him? If not, I think you need to just stop hanging out at his house and cooking for him. Focus on yourself and let him sort himself out (or not, as the case may be). If you have both "come down in the world" (money issues?) why on earth do you own these horses? The whole post makes no sense.

BasicMadeira · 02/06/2021 03:53

What on earth?
He is a friend that you happen to live beside. How lovely. If his house is not in a fit state to visit just ask him to yours when you want to meet up. There is no need to step over the threshold ever again.
Why are you cooking dinners for an adult man? If he read and tell the time he can cook for himself. What does he do in exchange for you?
This is a barmy situation.

burritofan · 02/06/2021 03:55

Take your piano back to your house. Clean your own house. Cook in your own house. Eat to your schedule, not a horse’s. Invite your filthy friend round if you want, or not.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/06/2021 04:00

I'm sorry, op, but your "friendship" with this man makes no sense. You have your own home, yet cook in his filthy flat, and you're also barely eating which is affecting your health? What? Why are you so enmeshed with him? Start living your own life because his life is not your responsibility.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 02/06/2021 04:01

What are you cooking at his house for? Why are you starving yourself??

ApolloandDaphne · 02/06/2021 04:04

Is he your friend or your partner? If you have your own home then you have no obligation to cook for this man or organise his life in any way. I would step back and live your own life. Let him crack on living in squalor. Your current set up sounds very unhealthy.

thedogtookit · 02/06/2021 04:07

Stop going to his house, cooking his food and living around his schedule and I think you'll find you'll be fine.

honeygirlz · 02/06/2021 04:29

You sound like a good friend, OP Flowers

I don't think you can help him, he needs professional help. I would ask him to speak to the GP.

Can you call his father to let him know how is he living? Maybe his father can have a chat with him?

I don't think you should cook there anymore, and it might be enabling him to leave as he is.

PopsicleHustler · 02/06/2021 04:39

Its his house. His dump. Let him live in it. What a disgrace. I don't understand how people can live in crap and be happy about it. Its making me want to clean just thinking about it.

Birminghambloke · 02/06/2021 04:43

@melj1213

You have no obligation to do any of the things you do so just stop doing them. You cannot change other people's behaviours, you can only change your reaction to them.

i have unfortunately fallen into a pattern of following his schedule around his work and horse

Why? You are not obliged to follow his schedule, set your own - if it fits with his then great, otherwise you can see each other another time

I prepare the food there, to leave it ready on a timer for later

Why? Make your own food in your own kitchen - if you want to make enough for him and take it round then you can still do that, but you are choosing to make the food.

I fear very much that he never changes his bedlinen and I have seen briefly though a slightly open door, that there are just piles of dirty clothes, leaving a path to his bed.

Does this affect you? If not then leave him to it, if he wants to sleep in rancid bedsheets then that is his choice. Unless he's trying to get you in there then it's his business when he changes his sheets.

Meaning that I have actually made myself quite unwell by starving myself to eat later.

That is a sign of you making yourself a martyr - you were never obligated to do this, and even if you wanted to eat together later, there's no reason not to have a snack or something earlier.

This.
PyongyangKipperbang · 02/06/2021 04:49

You're doing wife work without actually being the wife with the (very small financial) advantages that that gives.

Why the fuck are you doing this?! You are not his carer!

MinorCharacter · 02/06/2021 04:50

What everyone else said. You’re way too enmeshed.

BigHeadBertha · 02/06/2021 04:57

It sounds like he either just has very dirty habits or is a hoarder or has some kind of mental issue he does not want to work on, or some combination of the above.

So, you've tried to get him to clean up his environment and you've even tried to help him do it but he gets mad and refuses your help.

Consider all the people out there who smoke, drink, eat to excess, gamble, shop compulsively or etc. even after their lives are a total disaster from it, for example. Or hoarders, who can even refuse to clean up when their children are taken away from them for it. The sad and simple fact is that people have to help themselves. And if they don't want to, there's nothing anyone else can do about it.

However, you have tried so your conscience is clear. He has made it clear that he wants you to leave him alone about it. So that is what you should do.

Now, it's time to turn your attention to yourself. YOU deserve to be in sanitary conditions and YOU need to eat properly.

I agree with those who say to stay at your own place. Bring your piano home. Prepare and eat your meals at the proper times, NOT only when it fits HIS schedule. Invite him to come to your place to eat if you want, but perhaps less than every day.

You may be better off to back off from him some. It's often necessary to move on from dysfunctional friends completely because they have a way of taking you down with them if you let them. Look how you're already not eating properly. Especially since this guy is not even your family member or husband, be sure not to get too involved in his life and his problems. I suggest that you about you and let him worry about him.

I've moved on from many dysfunctional people in my lifetime. Sometimes it's with regrets. But it is their choice to remain on their negative path and it's much better for me to surround myself with positive people who do work on their problems.

BigHeadBertha · 02/06/2021 04:59

I mean I suggest that you "worry" about you and let him worry about him.

SympathyFatigue · 02/06/2021 05:06

@DumbestBlonde

He is mid-40s, and has been my closest friend for about 18 years. His family had a farm (turkeys, potatoes, cattle), and then focussed on horses, which is how we became friends. It has never been romantic (although he a bit of a things about me at first) and I was married when I first took my horses to their yard.

The farmhouse was always - -- messy, I'm sorry to say. His mother was overworked by her husband (constantly buyinghorses and leaving her to look after them), so never had chance to look after the domestic side of things..... She worked so hard (for no money) that she missed a mammogram that could have spotted the breast cancer that then metastisised to her liver and killed her in her mid 50s.

Sorry for backstory...... Anyway, he and I have both come "down" in the world and now live a few doors apart - both in rented properties (and yet both have wealthy fathers as it happens).

i have unfortunately fallen into a pattern of following his schedule around his work and horse....Meaning that I have actually made myself quite unwell by starving myself to eat later. I have also usually prepared the meal, using a digital pressure cooker - so the food is at least very very healthy......

BUT - he is taking NO care at all of his apartment. And, I am sorry to say, it is filthy..... The furniture was brought from the farm and is very old and the soft furnishing s ae ingrained with the dirt of years. He will not wipe surfaces in the kitchen (I prepare the food there, to leave it ready on a timer for later), or the floor, or the drainer - pr antthing pretty much. There is a thick layer of dust on everything, from the skirting boards up. The only thing that is kept clean is my piano (by me), which is in his spare room, as my neighbours hate the pinao, and his previous upstairs neighbour didn't mind.

I fear very much that he never changes his bedlinen and I have seen briefly though a slightly open door, that there are just piles of dirty clothes, leaving a path to his bed.

He saves the serviettes that I have used....... (??)

I don't know what to do.... I have tried hinting - and occasionally say outright, "please could you just clean this little area?" Tonight, I asked hin to clean an area for the bags of cat food, and he looked so affronted, even though I said it quite kindly and matter-of-factly...

I cannot clean FOR him; I have done so before, and he gets quite offended (and sulky) about it. One occasion, back at the farm, it was impossible to even get into the house though all the tack and horse junk in the porch. I tried to, again, matter-of-factly, help him go through it - but he would not LET me do it (I was less attached/emotional), nor would he help me. It was so infuriating - and when the day came to leave the farmhouse (his father had sold it from under him), it all had to be done and cleared in one day because he hadn't done anything beforehand.

It may well be a trait, and it may well be depression of some sort - which I would understand....and try to help. But, for now, it is really putting me off going round and/or cooking - and it is having an underlying negative effect on the friendship.

How do I help him? (And the friendship, which is being damaged.)

Am I the only person who has no idea wtf you're talking about? Are you living together? Why else are you so wrapped up in his horse schedule, why starving? What's going on here?