He is mid-40s, and has been my closest friend for about 18 years. His family had a farm (turkeys, potatoes, cattle), and then focussed on horses, which is how we became friends. It has never been romantic (although he a bit of a things about me at first) and I was married when I first took my horses to their yard.
The farmhouse was always - -- messy, I'm sorry to say. His mother was overworked by her husband (constantly buyinghorses and leaving her to look after them), so never had chance to look after the domestic side of things..... She worked so hard (for no money) that she missed a mammogram that could have spotted the breast cancer that then metastisised to her liver and killed her in her mid 50s.
Sorry for backstory...... Anyway, he and I have both come "down" in the world and now live a few doors apart - both in rented properties (and yet both have wealthy fathers as it happens).
i have unfortunately fallen into a pattern of following his schedule around his work and horse....Meaning that I have actually made myself quite unwell by starving myself to eat later. I have also usually prepared the meal, using a digital pressure cooker - so the food is at least very very healthy......
BUT - he is taking NO care at all of his apartment. And, I am sorry to say, it is filthy..... The furniture was brought from the farm and is very old and the soft furnishing s ae ingrained with the dirt of years. He will not wipe surfaces in the kitchen (I prepare the food there, to leave it ready on a timer for later), or the floor, or the drainer - pr antthing pretty much. There is a thick layer of dust on everything, from the skirting boards up. The only thing that is kept clean is my piano (by me), which is in his spare room, as my neighbours hate the pinao, and his previous upstairs neighbour didn't mind.
I fear very much that he never changes his bedlinen and I have seen briefly though a slightly open door, that there are just piles of dirty clothes, leaving a path to his bed.
He saves the serviettes that I have used....... (??)
I don't know what to do.... I have tried hinting - and occasionally say outright, "please could you just clean this little area?" Tonight, I asked hin to clean an area for the bags of cat food, and he looked so affronted, even though I said it quite kindly and matter-of-factly...
I cannot clean FOR him; I have done so before, and he gets quite offended (and sulky) about it. One occasion, back at the farm, it was impossible to even get into the house though all the tack and horse junk in the porch. I tried to, again, matter-of-factly, help him go through it - but he would not LET me do it (I was less attached/emotional), nor would he help me. It was so infuriating - and when the day came to leave the farmhouse (his father had sold it from under him), it all had to be done and cleared in one day because he hadn't done anything beforehand.
It may well be a trait, and it may well be depression of some sort - which I would understand....and try to help. But, for now, it is really putting me off going round and/or cooking - and it is having an underlying negative effect on the friendship.
How do I help him? (And the friendship, which is being damaged.)