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Original poster

Friend is too messy/dirty...long-term problem

174 replies

DumbestBlonde · 02/06/2021 01:06

He is mid-40s, and has been my closest friend for about 18 years. His family had a farm (turkeys, potatoes, cattle), and then focussed on horses, which is how we became friends. It has never been romantic (although he a bit of a things about me at first) and I was married when I first took my horses to their yard.

The farmhouse was always - -- messy, I'm sorry to say. His mother was overworked by her husband (constantly buyinghorses and leaving her to look after them), so never had chance to look after the domestic side of things..... She worked so hard (for no money) that she missed a mammogram that could have spotted the breast cancer that then metastisised to her liver and killed her in her mid 50s.

Sorry for backstory...... Anyway, he and I have both come "down" in the world and now live a few doors apart - both in rented properties (and yet both have wealthy fathers as it happens).

i have unfortunately fallen into a pattern of following his schedule around his work and horse....Meaning that I have actually made myself quite unwell by starving myself to eat later. I have also usually prepared the meal, using a digital pressure cooker - so the food is at least very very healthy......

BUT - he is taking NO care at all of his apartment. And, I am sorry to say, it is filthy..... The furniture was brought from the farm and is very old and the soft furnishing s ae ingrained with the dirt of years. He will not wipe surfaces in the kitchen (I prepare the food there, to leave it ready on a timer for later), or the floor, or the drainer - pr antthing pretty much. There is a thick layer of dust on everything, from the skirting boards up. The only thing that is kept clean is my piano (by me), which is in his spare room, as my neighbours hate the pinao, and his previous upstairs neighbour didn't mind.

I fear very much that he never changes his bedlinen and I have seen briefly though a slightly open door, that there are just piles of dirty clothes, leaving a path to his bed.

He saves the serviettes that I have used....... (??)

I don't know what to do.... I have tried hinting - and occasionally say outright, "please could you just clean this little area?" Tonight, I asked hin to clean an area for the bags of cat food, and he looked so affronted, even though I said it quite kindly and matter-of-factly...

I cannot clean FOR him; I have done so before, and he gets quite offended (and sulky) about it. One occasion, back at the farm, it was impossible to even get into the house though all the tack and horse junk in the porch. I tried to, again, matter-of-factly, help him go through it - but he would not LET me do it (I was less attached/emotional), nor would he help me. It was so infuriating - and when the day came to leave the farmhouse (his father had sold it from under him), it all had to be done and cleared in one day because he hadn't done anything beforehand.

It may well be a trait, and it may well be depression of some sort - which I would understand....and try to help. But, for now, it is really putting me off going round and/or cooking - and it is having an underlying negative effect on the friendship.

How do I help him? (And the friendship, which is being damaged.)

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 02/06/2021 07:24

OP, there is clearly some bigger stuff going on in your life that is making you unhappy - so put your energy into figuring out what that is.

In the mean time stop having a semi-relationship with this guy, and focus on your own life. I don’t mean don’t be friends, but stop cooking in his house! It’s not normal. If you want him to join you for dinner a couple times a week then ask him to your house.

You seem to be lonely, but retreating into a life with this guy isn’t working, so stop doing it and start building up your own life.

As a friend all you can do is encourage him to get a cleaner, and to sort out whatever his issues may be. But it may be he is OK with how he lives.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/06/2021 07:34

@burritofan

Take your piano back to your house. Clean your own house. Cook in your own house. Eat to your schedule, not a horse’s. Invite your filthy friend round if you want, or not.
THIS ^

Absolutely what @burritofan has said.

Your neighbours will have to put up with a bit of piano on an evening (or whenever) - you aren't playing 18 hours a day, I'm sure you can hear their telly etc, so tough!

DO NOT accommodate your life to suit this man when he won't even help you keep a food preparation area hygienic. You aren't his mother, or even his romantic partner - you don't have to pussyfoot around him.

As others have suggested, by all means plate up a meal and take it to him (use his plates, and if he doesn't hand you a clean one either don't give him a dinner, or get some paper ones).

He may have depression, or he may just be a slob - some people are; they don't even see the filth - but you don't have to tolerate it. If you have an accident in that house (as is likely if it is full of junk), you could be badly hurt. If you cut yourself in his filthy kitchen you could get seriously infected! Do you really want to risk this?

He doesn't care enough about you to accommodate your needs at all, so don't risk making yourself ill for him - because if you are laid up after hurting yourself in his home (or anywhere else), he will sort himself out (cold beans straight from the tin, or takeaways, I expect) and won't give you a second thought.

NutellaEllaElla · 02/06/2021 07:37

This sounds really bizarre op, hope you return to clarify.

SnarkyBag · 02/06/2021 07:43

This is a very very weird set up. How on earth have you got tangled into this? I think you to focus on extricating yourself from this situation rather than adding another layer of responsibility towards your friend. Sounds he’s just fine with his grim habitat so leave him to it

5zeds · 02/06/2021 07:44

So you are using a room in your neighbours house to keep your piano in and his kitchen to cook your meals and you don’t think he’s cleaning enough? Shock
Do you pay him for the use of his rental and electricity? Who pays for the food? What does his mothers death/housekeeping/work have to do with it?

Lalliella · 02/06/2021 07:46

@burritofan

Take your piano back to your house. Clean your own house. Cook in your own house. Eat to your schedule, not a horse’s. Invite your filthy friend round if you want, or not.
This ^

Why are you in this arrangement OP?

TatianaBis · 02/06/2021 07:50

I would butt out of his life, look after yourself and go only go round to play the piano.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/06/2021 07:52

@5zeds

So you are using a room in your neighbours house to keep your piano in and his kitchen to cook your meals and you don’t think he’s cleaning enough? Shock Do you pay him for the use of his rental and electricity? Who pays for the food? What does his mothers death/housekeeping/work have to do with it?
Totally unnecessary spiteful commendt Szeds.

Why should OP pay for "rental and electricity"? If you want to formalise it, she is doing a quid-pro-quo by providing food at all sorts of times to suit the friend's schedule, rather than when she would like to eat herself.

This is the second thread I've seen you be unkind on today and it's only 10 to 8! You should be in fine fettle by lunchtime!

LigPatin · 02/06/2021 08:02

I'm not sure what's going on here.
With your back story explanation, it sort of seems like you're inferring you've become his Mother?

5zeds · 02/06/2021 08:02

@SchadenfreudePersonified what an odd reaction. There’s no spite in what I said. OP may be renting a room in her friends house, she may be paying for all his meals, but it certainly reads to me like she is happily using his facilities freely. She can explain the rational for that if she wants to, but she may not even realise she’s doing it.

It’s always hard to tell what’s going on from the outside. Was he hoarding the serviette or was he simply saying “can you just leave my things alone”. He may of course be very happy with the set up, but he could also be depressed and vulnerable and struggling.

year5teacher · 02/06/2021 08:05

You sound HEAVILY codependent.
Why on Earth are you “making yourself quite unwell” by waiting to eat with him? This is a choice. You’ve framed this as being about him being messy when the actual issue is your total lack of boundaries and martyrdom.

Bythemillpond · 02/06/2021 08:05

He is his fathers son and you seem to have stepped into the role of his mother

LagunaBubbles · 02/06/2021 08:09

This makes no sense whatsoever. Let him do his own meals, eat yourself at your own house.

Notimeforaname · 02/06/2021 08:09

All a bit odd. You seem very invested in his life for someone who is just a friend.

Why would you care that he doesn't change his sheets??how does this effect you ?

Do you like to be in control of things?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/06/2021 08:10

@Bythemillpond

He is his fathers son and you seem to have stepped into the role of his mother
Good point!
Travelledtheworld · 02/06/2021 08:11

I know someone who lives like this. They are obsessed with routine and where things are placed in the house. House is full of clutter and hasn't been cleaned for 30 years as they can't bear to move anything. They are clever and conversational. I believe they are on the Autistic spectrum.
Your friend will not change his routines and habits. You must take back your own life in your own best interests. Be a friend but put yourself first.

Travelledtheworld · 02/06/2021 08:14

Re the used serviettes.......
The person I know also hoards things and has collected a bag of old Kleenex tissues which were used by her mother who dies four years ago..... refuses to throw them out.

This type of behaviour has many complex causes. This person finds comfort in familiar objects no matter how shabby and dirty they are.

Goldieloxx · 02/06/2021 08:14

It sounds like you are a really good person who is just trying to look after and look out for your friend, please don't do this at the expense of your own welfare though. I'd suggest continuing to urge him to get the help he needs, it sounds like he has mental health issues, could you contact a charity or local social services? It seems like he might need professional help that you can't give.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/06/2021 08:19

This is very weird and codependent. You're on the brink of making yourself ill to accommodate the schedule of someone who isn't even your spouse or significant other, and who has to put it mildly a disordered and chaotic life. Why?

You need to step back from this: you're way too overinvested in this man's life. I think you should also think about getting some therapy.

starrynight21 · 02/06/2021 08:21

Did he actually ASK you to do all of this ?

HoppingPavlova · 02/06/2021 08:23

None of what you have written makes any sense. You are not in a relationship with him. You don’t live with him. What’s his housekeeping (or lack of) got to do with you at all? Unless you are his employee and he is asking you to clean his house (?? weird) I just don’t understand what you are going on about. Don’t visit him in his house if it doesn’t agree with you, problem solved.

The thing about the food seems odd. How does his schedule affect your meals? Again unless you are his employee and he is not letting you take meal breaks? No idea what the pressure cooker has to do with the price of fish.

In short, this only seems an issue if he is employing you. If that’s the case leave and get another job. If that’s not the case then he’s best as a friend you meet down the pub for a drink or meal when convenient.

WildfirePonie · 02/06/2021 08:23

Do you work for him?

soreenqueen21 · 02/06/2021 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonRoses · 02/06/2021 08:26

You don’t sound very well, to be honest.
You don’t make yourself ill by eating a bit later; being unwell sometimes makes it hard to seethe cause of the problem and the solutions.
The issue doesn’t lie with him choosing to live his life as he wishes; it is you not making reasonable decisions.

notanothertakeaway · 02/06/2021 08:28

Hoarding disorder is now recognised as a mental illness. If you look into it, then it may aid your understanding

But, as with any illness, there's a limit to what can be done unless the patient wants help and is able & willing to put in the effort to recover